Year 12s: what will be the first way you research your future options? >>

How do I act around her now?

So I've had a crush on this girl since last september, the year started with us flirting a lot and we eventually got into a relationship. She's not amazing in social situations, I've found, but it was still a bit of a bummer how awkward she'd act in college when we were together. If you were someone on the outside looking in on us two you probably wouldn't have guessed there was anything more between us apart from being just "colleagues". Our conversation was always amazing before going out but during it always felt forced. Now, this was only the case when we were in college with our friends but when we went out alone she was brilliant. When I asked her if she noticed how we used to have a better relationship in college before we were going out she said that she did and that it was because she felt awkward and isn't good at "romancy" stuff.

Now this was all well and good for when we were going out. I didn't mind it that much but we broke up last month before the easter holiday. I kind of brought it on myself, I think, when I asked her if she was happy with how we were. She responded with "I dont know" in a quiet voice...I don't know if I should have just left it there but i pushed for an explanation and apparently all her other commitments were causing her too much stress because she felt like she wasn't good enough for me. At that point it didnt matter how much I tried to explain that she was perfect the way she was and I didn't want her to change, she said she'd prefer to end it on a good note rather than letting it drag on and one of us getting hurt (it still hurt like a bitch). One thing you have to know about this girl is that she's got a **** tonne of time dedicated to extra-curricular activity. She does rowing, ballet, karate and has a job. It always felt like I was the last in her priority list but I tried my best to support her and tell her that it didnt bother me that she didnt always have time for me.

Long story short, after just a month of dating (sucks right) we broke up. Now before she told me she'd "made up" her mind, she asked if I could go back to being just friends and that "she doesnt want to lose me as a friend"...Now at the time I said of course and that she couldnt stop me from being at least that.
Now i'm starting to think I might have been wrong.

Anyway the next time i saw her at college i was sitting alone waiting for my friends to leave their lesson, she comes out sees me and just goes off to sit by herself. At that point I just think to myself "...what?". I'm a bit hurt that she avoided me but I try to brush it off. This happens a handful of other times and she never once spoke to me without me having to go up to her myself. Even then the air is so damn awkward it feels like an ice block is slowly lowering itself onto us. I was sure this would happen. I knew that since she was awkward in college when we were going out, after the breakup it's going to be horrendously, painfully awkward. Me being the optimist though, I think that maybe if I got to see her outside of college it'd be cool. Never happened.

Fast forward two weeks; we're texting and she says she "thinks we need some space to move on". To which I respond with a massive text asking her if thats what she really wanted even after I told her im cool with her lack of time and that i dont understand why she felt like she had to meet these "girlfriend" expectations she set herself. I then followed up with another text of me basically saying "you know what, **** it", how she clearly doesnt feel the same way and im wasting my time on this trying to grab hold of strings that dont exist and how shes obviously happy with the way things are and is not changing her mind any time soon. All I got was an "okay" after that...

Then we broke up for the half term, and now we're back.
I don't feel like i should make an effort to talk to her but should I actively ignore her aswell? It's what i did today. I mean at one point we were basically standing next to eachother waiting for the double doors to our court yard to open neither of us speaking. Our friendship group is quite strongly entwined so i have to avoid some of them as well if i don't want to see her. I legit don't know what to do and I don't really have anyone to talk to about this heart to heart.

If you actually read this far I love you.

Reply 1

Solemn Rain

I don't know, maybe act normal?

P.S. I haven't read your post, I merely glanced at it...

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 2

Hylean

Just treat her like any normal person. Be polite, but if you don't want to talk to her, then don't. Just don't be rude to her.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

I think some people are better in in one to one situations. Others are comfortable both being that, and in social setting. It might change over time as the person gains more confidence in group setting, its true. My ex said that about me being great alone with her, but distant when with her friends. It was partly true but reality is always more complicated.

Obviously she had her circle of friends, most smoked weed (which i do not approve) and had i tried i could have charmed them all to like me. However, I knew that with her, it was always a casual relationship so i didn't bother putting in much effort, those friends of hers were people i didn't really care for. The end I dumped her for kissing another girl in public. Weeks later we met again, drunkenly tried to kiss her when drunk - she refused, and now we essentially live outside each others circles. With her we were very difference people (busy business minded vs her being relaxed, chilled hipster), so it was easy for us to live apart without running into each other.

But consider the context - what you get depends on how you both defines the relationship. if I met a girl whom I considered an idealistic perfection, then there is nothing I wouldn't do to sweep her off her feet, and make her love me. I would go the extra length, be charming, make her friends parents like me, etc. However, if its a less commitment demanding relationship I tend to put in minimal effort (just being realistic). If its a booty call, well...