Can somebody mark my GCSE English Language answer please?

Can someone give this Q5 answer a mark out of 16 please. It's marked on content, how we'll the question is answered and language techniques. (AQA)

Q: write an entry for your online blog which describes a time when you felt uncertain or unsure about a situation you were in and explain how you overcame it.

A:

Greetings fellow bloggers!

Monday, September 2nd. A day dreaded by all teenagers. A day of fear and uncertainty. A new year: the first day of school.
I don't normally feel this way on my first day back. Vulnerable. Lonely. Although it isn't every year you move schools...
You see, my parents split up over the summer. They argued. They fought. My mother's screams enough to make you feel dizzy. The frequent fighting got too much for both of them, so my angry and tear-filled mother packed her bags and left. Dragging me along with the rest of her problems.
New town. New school. We moved into a new house 75 miles away from my old school; where my best friends went to. Now I had nobody. I was lost in my own sea of thoughts...
To begin my first day of my new school at St.Peter's highschool, I missed the bus. Who knew it left at 8:15? I didn't! My annoyed mother then drove me to the front door of the large school, then drove off. Leaving me to my own devices.
When I walked through the front doors of the school, I was greeted by masses of pupils speed walking along the corridors, dodging other pupils like cars driving the wrong way on a motorway.
After receiving my confusing timetable from the moody receptionist, I turned to find the pupils already gone. I was late...
After a tiring search, I finally found my first class. Maths. I hated maths. I slowly and cautiously opened the classroom door with trembling hands, only to come face-to-face with a tall, balding man. He smiled warmly at me and pointed me to an empty desk. Great. I get to sit on my own...
As the day slowly crawled by, the bell rang for lunch. I scrambled out of my seat and followed the rest of the pupils into the canteen. I sat alone, big surprise there... What would've you done? Sat with complete strangers? I certainly wouldn't...
After I ate, I went outside to find a girl girl sitting alone on a bench. Seeing as there was nowhere else to go, I sat down beside her. I introduced myself and began a conversation with the also shy and reserved girl by asking, "are you new too?" She replied sayin she was (to my delight) and we soon became friends.
Please don't laugh at me; but my greatest achievement by far in life was walking over and talking to her. since then I've become more confident and I am friendlier. I like the new me.
Have you ever felt unsure about something! Reply below in the comments section! Thanks for reading!

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Please correct any grammatical errors or any incorrect punctuation! Honest mark. Out of 16 (you also get marks for good use of punctuation) THANKYOU!!

Reply 1

Arctic_Monkey

I'd give it a 13 or 14 out of 16 (7 or an 8 for the communication and organisation of ideas, and a 6 for the punctuation/sentence structure part). I though it was really good! :biggrin:

I'm super struggling with Q5 and 6 in the paper >,< Never have enough time to finish it :33

Reply 2

Arkasia

I would give it a 12/13. The topic was interesting and easy to relate to. The language touched on sophisticated, and you really have a sense of your own individual voice, with a few brief examples of blog format. There were numerous issues with sentence structures and spelling, so that when you read it aloud it sometimes doesn't make much sense. There is also a distinct lack of paragraphs, with an over-abundance of ellipses. It's probably a 7/8 for content and form, and 5 for structure.

Reply 3

zennadesigns

mark mine please
question: write a letter to the producers explaining what you dream job would be and why you would love to try it.

Dream Jobs Studios78 Anchor RoadE57 1RQ

36 osigde lane south gate
London
N14 5JG

Dear Dream Jobs
My dream job , the dream that i have reminiscing since i was 12 years old , since i had laid eyes on the T.v that flaunted the job that i yearned , longed and desired for , the job for me , no, the dream for me.
Fashion journalist. Yes the big wide world of fashion and flying words off the page , a job of typing furiously on my personalised mac about my passion of fashion , if only. this wouldn't only be a dream come true but a award , a honour and a memory . The touch of blue stain , the view of jimmy choose in my hand , analysing its trim and lace , analysing its shine and step. A job that i could sit , relax , drink a cup of coffee and think , thinking about fashion , think about my life and how fashion is such a big part of it , walking into the building full of high editors and magazine makers , the atmosphere and the air that smells like number 5 channel perfume. Oh la la.

But why give me this this chance? I’ll tell you why…for 5 year i have gone thought courses after courses chasing my dream , E-mailing , Phoning, leaving voicemails which my annoying and desperate voice for those people with power to listen to , i dont want to do any other job ; i dont want to be unhappy , in fact i want to be happy and i know that a job like this would be the only cause of my happiness. The 1000 calls and E-mails of reject crushing me , has killed me . i haven't given up but I'm tried and i need a chance .A chance to show that i am good enough and that yes iI might not have a dad that is the next designer for the upcoming generation , or have a mom that already had a foot in the doorway into this impossible to get into industry , but that doesn't mean that I'm not good enough , day by day I'm loosing my self , loosing my confidence , hope and passion.

However in addition I feel as if I'm failing in life and failing to keep my self happy , I write about fashion on my tiny sony as iI can not pay for anything else with the income of £20000 a year from hanging up thrown clothes on the floor at Topshop , yes I'm filled with the lovely fabrics , but thats not what iI want . I want to be there! and experience it with my own eyes and take in the atmosphere of freshened perfumed air , i should be given a chance, I should be given a indication that I'm worth it and that i can do it but I'm loosing that thought . The begging to my parents of letting me follow my dreaming even though knowing that it will be tough and channelling but also may even go thought some heart ache , I promised them that i would make it and someday they would be reading my words in the column, it’s been a depressing 5 years now , no sign of a column and no sign of proving it to my parents , not even a step close , I look at my work sipping my chai , thinking , who am I kidding? I cant be a fashion journalist … Me? Amlia juno? a fashion journalist ? no way…. I can only dream of obtaining the job of Ann Hathaway in devil wears parada, sit in my bed with chocolates and cry on days on end.

I need this.

Give me a chance and ill prove my gratitude , the joy that you could give me from saying , you are now officially a fashion journalist , would complete a 12 year old young girl which a heart full of fashion team come true .

Yours faithfully Amila Juno - p.s Please and Thank you in Advance.

out of 16

Reply 4

Strangecool

Can somebody help me. I need to write a blog on a good thing you have done in life and it has to be specific. GCSE question 5