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How do I stop being a psycho girlfriend?

Don't know if hopeless is the right word for it.

I've been in a relationship with a guy now for 4 months and counting. Everything has been fine and all but my jealousy/insecurity is killing me. I constantly feel like I'm on alert or paranoid and just waiting for him to screw me over. I check Instagram feeds a lot and see what he likes and when it's a picture of some really hot girl with an amazing body or just any picture of a girl he knows..it just kills me. I know that this isn't normal. I've been trying really hard to trust him and to not be the psycho girlfriend.

It's like I have to know what he is doing as if that'll help because I know if he wants to cheat on me then he will and him telling me what he's doing or where he is not going to prevent that. I'm convinced he's talking to other girls all the time or that he'll find someone better and I was just crying a few minutes ago about this because I just don't feel good enough. I see him twice a week and even then I still feel like it's not enough. I know I'm super clingy but I really don't want to be like this. How can I stop this type of behavior/thinking? I'm desperately asking for help.

Reply 1

EmmaLiu342

Has he cheated on you before? If so then you feeling like this could be more understandable, but if not then you need to understand why you don't trust him fully? Maybe it's actually a self confidence issue, and maybe you need to work on that so that you feel better about yourself, and don't worry about other girls.

Reply 2

ArundelRanger

First of all I would suggest keeping calm when you see something that really makes your stomach churn with psycho panic. I've felt somewhat the same at times in the past when I've seen something my (now ex, but don't let that put you off!) other half said or did (when she knows she shouldn't have) because I just knew it would create some sort of friction between us and we'd argue over it.

What I find helps is not undervaluing yourself; he's clearly in a relationship with you for a reason, so he has no immediate plans to **** you over. Twice a week is a nice number but after four months I would've thought you'd see each other with a bit more frequency than that now. Is it an LDR or is there some other limiting factor?

It's okay to be clingy so long as it's not having a negative effect on your partner, which I don't see happening in this case.

Reply 3

SophieTattum

Yeh as the two people above have said, don't undervalue yourself and have some self confidence, that will definitely help you to be a bit less paranoid. Maybe you can get some help for this.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by ArundelRanger

Thank you and the other poster for your advice. It made me feel a little better. No LDR. We live quite near each other but our schedules aren't the best. He works a lot and I have school and work and come from a strict household so I'm not able to go out a lot. I try not to let it have a negative effect. He has his guys night out and I always tell him to have fun (even if it kills me inside) because sometimes girls show up.

Original post by SophieTattum

Yeh as the two people above have said, don't undervalue yourself and have some self confidence, that will definitely help you to be a bit less paranoid. Maybe you can get some help for this.

You're probably right. My self esteem isn't the best. What kind of help do you think I should take?

Reply 5

Enoxial

TSR Sympathy Squad which only comforts girls assemble!

Reply 6

Kabloomybuzz

I'd talk to him about your insecurities, make it clear it isn't his fault, or anything he's done, but if he's aware of it, he can try to do what he can to help.

Since your insecurity seems to be your biggest problem here, I'd suggest perhaps seeing a counsellor. If you're at uni, the university will provide a service you can access, or if you google free counselling in your area, there will probably be a service you can refer yourself to.

Try to stop yourself from obsessively checking what he's doing. It won't help and will probably just feed your insecurities because in the act of checking up, you will also be justifying it to yourself, thus getting yourself into a cycle of compulsively checking. You need to learn to trust him without knowing what he's doing, where he's going and who with all the time, and you won't learn how to do that if you're obsessing over finding out all those details.

IF he (or anyone) does cheat on you or hurt you, remember that their responsibility, Its a reflection on them, not you. He's chosen to commit to a relationship with you right now. Clearly, he sees something special in you. Remember that when you're feeling low and insecure

Reply 7

Antifazian

Firstly, you have to remember that nothing you do or don't do will make him cheat on you - if he makes the decision to do that, then it's all on him. You cannot stop someone cheating on you. Stop checking his social media accounts all the time, nothing you see there will make you feel better, as you're only scrutinising it for 'evidence' of his cheating.

Secondly, it sounds as though your self-esteem and confidence are very low - it is not ideal to be in a relationship when you feel as insecure as you do, because as you've found out, it manifests itself in unhealthy behaviour and negative thought patterns. Perhaps you need to take some time to be alone and work on yourself before getting into any relationships, as right now being in one is not doing either you or him any favours.

Reply 8

GenialGermanGent

Original post by Anonymous

...picture of some really hot girl with an amazing body
...or that he'll find someone better...

Improve yourself. Work out, tan, do something to your hair, take make-up courses, learn to cook.

Sensible advice, innit?

Reply 9

CherryWine

Stop going online, delete your accounts if you have to. relationships are meant to be enjoyable, so just focus on having a good time with him twice a week. You can't prevent somebody from cheating, if he's going to then he will. If he has given you no reason not to trust him then just focus on being happy and making him happy :smile:

Reply 10

Belvitaaa

You cant always change the way you are. It's best to not be in a relationship if you're not fit for one. I was similar to you when I was in a relationship, and now being out of it I feel much better because now I don't have paranoia amongst other things. I've realised I need to sort myself out, be happy with my self and then get into a relationship. I don't expect myself to get into another relationship for a very long time.

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Reply 11

silverbolt

well at least you acknowledge you have a problem. Your antics are about as attractive as stepping on dog crap - and it will make him walk and find someone whose less bunny boiler and more bunny cuddler. Especially if hes done nothing wrong. No one wants to feel like they are they being watched all the time. Your scrutiny is going to find things that arent there

As others have said, you need to improve your confidence. This guy is with you and has been for 4 months. That should tell you something

Reply 12

Rabifrogs

Definitely a age and self value thing.

My first long term relationship was when I was 16-18 and I was crazy but I think it was my immaturity, lack of experience and self loath

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Reply 13

uberteknik

What is it about the insecurity that causes you to become psycho? What is the worst that will happen?

A: You find out he cheated and you dump him. Your feelings are hurt but you will get over it, move on and find a new love who will respect you.

Then think: phew, that was a close shave.

Love is trust and that means you must TRUST him not to hurt you. He respects that trust and reciprocates by not abusing it and trusting in you to do the same with his feelings and emotions. i.e. you both have the freedom to enjoy life together and apart - with trust in each other.

The quickest way to drive him away or into the arms of someone else, is to be on edge, jealous, clingy, needy, suspicious, furtive and a snoop. Turn the tables and how would you react if he did the same to you?

Trust him. Your life will be so much easier.

When you feel the psycho urge creeping in, consciously tell yourself to stop. Use enjoyable distractions to take your mind away from it and resist all temptation to snoop. With time, you can train your brain to a new way of thinking and become a new confident person.

Reply 14

So Instinct

Original post by Enoxial

TSR Sympathy Squad which only comforts girls assemble!

Preach.

It's good you've acknowledged it, they say that's the first step. A key to ease the obsession and develop a more healthy relationship is balance, balancing your relationship with the other parts of your life including social life and hobbies, don't let your world revolve around a relationship or individual or you are setting yourself up for failure, put your eggs in more than one basket so to speak.
Your feelings will stem from a lack of comfort within yourself, the idea that you are inadequate or that this (the relationship) is the best you can hope for. You need to address this issue in order to improve, try methods of instilling self belief and confidence, be comfortable with who you are as a person and I guarantee you will become a more attractive person as a result.

I understand building detachment and calming obsession is difficult, I've had a phase when I was younger (about 15-16) but simply outgrew it and become extremely laid back, so hopefully in time you'll learn to move past these feelings too.