Does anyone else just HATE themselves?

I've spent the last 2 days completely drunk out of my mind to get away from this feeling. I've never touched more than a drop of alcohol before so it's been interesting to say the least. My fiance called me after I reached my peak of ****ing myself up completely and I cried to him saying I can't deal with any of my **** anymore. At some point I told him that he's perfect and now I'm crying because I'm just really glad I said that. I have no idea why I'm crying. I think I'm still drunk. I hate what I've turned into. My life has just been one falling domino after another. It's about time I started drinking. God I need a drink.

While this is sad, this is also exactly how I feel sometimes.

glad I'm not the only one. Its just I have school and I'm around people during the weekdays so I don't really want to make it worse for myself.

You make that sound like a bad thing. I wish I had people to distract me. Tomorrow I have my first shift at work since last week and I'm dreading going in and seeing everyone after getting up to the kinds of things I've gotten up to these last 2 days. I need the distraction but they're going to know something's wrong and I won't know what to say.

The most exhausting thing in the world is pretending you are okay when you are not. It takes effort to smile and act cheerful when you just want to jump off a bridge.

It's so hard...if it weren't for social media, I don't think the few friends I have would know about my problems. I let them know for two polar reasons...to see if taking the weight of bearing such a deep secret off would help me to feel less anxious to meet them, and to see if I could make myself feel ashamed enough to actually do it - if I thought they were scared of or hated me then it would be easier, I thought.

But some people are more understanding and determined not to let you go than you might think. You will be shocked to hear some stories of surprisingly similar experiences that some of your friends or family have gone through or may be going through. If you open up to someone, it makes you feel vulnerable, but not weak; most importantly there certainly is a great relief in sharing your true feelings with somebody, and that relief makes you feel stronger. Finally, although they won't know exactly what you're going through, you have a soldier on your side to fight with you. Together, your side is stronger - slowly may you gain more confidence to kill your demons with.

At least in my case, when I saw someone who I cared about the most break down into tears before my eyes and hug the cold, useless, guilt-ridden empty shell that I was, telling me that they blamed themselves for the way I was, that's what finally cracked emotion back into my life and made me realise that I have to go on. One year later and I finally gained enough courage to step into a clinic and admit to a GP that I need help. I was shaking, but I did it.

Even though I still don't see the point in my life and I too often wish I was just a mistake; an erasable mistake, I want you to know that it helps to remind yourself that you are a part of the lives of those who you care about all the same.
Imagine how your disappearance would truly make them feel. Imagine how their disappearance would make you feel.

Truthfully, I don't know what prompted me to write this because I'm still in a bad place and feel like I'd die for this emotional, mental pain to disappear. Is that what you want too? Maybe I wrote this because I thought that we can relate, I don't know. But remember that you do matter, and that good can happen in life just as suddenly as bad can. Let's keep fighting; for ourselves, those we care about, and a future.

I've spent the last 2 days completely drunk out of my mind to get away from this feeling. I've never touched more than a drop of alcohol before so it's been interesting to say the least. My fiance called me after I reached my peak of ****ing myself up completely and I cried to him saying I can't deal with any of my **** anymore. At some point I told him that he's perfect and now I'm crying because I'm just really glad I said that. I have no idea why I'm crying. I think I'm still drunk. I hate what I've turned into. My life has just been one falling domino after another. It's about time I started drinking. God I need a drink.

Thank you for writing this, I appreciate it a lot Its often easier to give advice and help others whilst still not knowing how to deal with our own problems - I am guilty of that on quite a few levels :L

All these problems and this depression is essentially my fault therefore I feel like if I tell anyone, all I am doing is warranting them permission to say "yes maybe it is your fault and you should do this.... to get feel better" but its never that easy. Its happened before, I tell people how I feel and all they want to do is make me feel positive etc and all it does is make me feel worse. Its like they are blaming me for thinking in such a negative manner and all they want to do is shove a few quotes down my throat. Even though I KNOW they are doing it from the goodness of their heart. In fact I feel awful right now for being so ungrateful to those few who have tried to help. I could say I want someone who will listen but I have people who listen, its just I'm always so reluctant because they never truly understand and nobody can offer advice that I haven't already heard.

I rather pretend to be someone I'm not than having to listen to the whole "Why don't you try being more positive" quotes or the "awww that must be awful" pity speeches. The worst part is knowing that I'm essentially doing this to myself and I cant reach out to anyone without feeling even worse. Like I have this friend who wanted me to go to them any time I felt sad, and I did and every time I did they would make me explain the situation and then they would tell me to do something that will cheer me up like watch a funny movie or they would give me a speech about how there is so much to look forward to. It would make me smile for a while and then I would go back to how I was feeling before and go back to them etc etc and it got to a point where I was just like this person must be so frustrated with me right now because they are essentially telling me the same thing over and over. Suck it up, be happy and distract myself. So why do I need to rely on them to tell me that when I should be more than capable of doing it myself. Suddenly becoming positive and distracting myself instead of feeling sorry for myself.

Not sure if you can relate to that but yeah :L

I feel so alone and its the worst feeling in the world.

Oh, I see...I think I can relate to that but maybe on a different level.

It's almost strange how people who have even been through similar situations still can say "you've got to force yourself to get out and do things". I was told that recently yet again too, and it's hard to know what else to say other than just mumble an acknowledgement while knowing already that I wouldn't be able to follow up on their advice. I had a phone call with someone who is close to me recently which made me feel very angry because although I hate sympathy, I didn't like feeling mocked and only being reminded of my failures, worries, doubts and weaknesses. I think their motive was to try to harshly kick-start me back into action, but I don't think they understand that it doesn't work in that way. It's hard not to retaliate with full-blown anger or upset when this happens, but I just keep my distance for a while and these overwhelming feelings dissipate.

I think you have to be selective with the people who you let in, I guess...sometimes that can only be learned by opening up to someone and then seeing what their reaction is.

Although their pestering can be annoying, and sometimes I deliberately ignore their questions that I don't want to answer, I appreciate that they keep in touch when nobody else does. I became tired of always being the one to start conversations, and I became tired of trying to be kind, and in a way it has made me see who really matters to me most: those who come knocking on my door with concern when I haven't opened it for a while. Those people are important to me.

In all honesty I personally learned that the harsh reality is that you have to save yourself. You can rely on others for support, but you have to be the one to realise and decide if you need help. I suppose if we take it for what it really is; an illness, then we should seek medical attention to get better. But perhaps you are already seeking medical attention. I don't know your situation and don't want to judge or offend. I just want to let you know that it seems you've been strong for a long time and don't seem to be at the level of happiness you deserve.

Thank you for understanding It is much appreciated and has made me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only one. I can relate to everything you said

I love that door analogy and its so true and puts things into perspective even!

Yeah I am currently in therapy once a week, I guess progress takes time :L I hope you also seek medical attention if you haven't already so you caan be one step closer to happiness <3

No, I'm completely sober now.

Hows you feel about ur self?

I've spent the last 2 days completely drunk out of my mind to get away from this feeling. I've never touched more than a drop of alcohol before so it's been interesting to say the least. My fiance called me after I reached my peak of ****ing myself up completely and I cried to him saying I can't deal with any of my **** anymore. At some point I told him that he's perfect and now I'm crying because I'm just really glad I said that. I have no idea why I'm crying. I think I'm still drunk. I hate what I've turned into. My life has just been one falling domino after another. It's about time I started drinking. God I need a drink.