English Coursework grade please? [ANALYTICAL]

After keeping in touch and discussing this issue with ECDL

This academic year Beardwood Humanities College has witnessed several magnificent improvements in the way it operates. One of the most recent yet noticeable improvements is the way in which Beardwood has demonstrated that learning can be genuinely fun, yet educative and intriguing for pupils at the same time. Evidence of such success is publicised every half-term in ‘Humanities Day’, a fantastic suggestion submitted and accepted inside last year’s report.

These opportunities, along with numerous others, would have never existed without the charitable support of the Parents’ Society. In order to build on and maintain these pleasing improvements, please read this year’s report and, as you are reading, consider the potential alterations Beardwood Humanities College can benefit from. Together for excellence!

• I would question the use of the word ‘magnificent’. It just doesn’t really ring true in the context. Perhaps significant, notable, interesting or key?
• I don’t think educative sounds right. Educational would be better, but one assumes that learning is generally educational. Maybe scrap it completely? Do you need both words? Maybe try ‘… genuinely fun, yet still beneficial and relevant for pupils’?
• What’s ‘Humanities Day’? It’s not clear to the reader, should it be? If it’s some sort of newsletter, the sentence needs to follow on; I changed it anyway, but it might not be right, depending on what it is.
• I think it sounds wrong to have ‘pleasing’ followed so closely be ‘please’. Make of that what you will; it’s a personal preference. If you think it sounds fine then leave it, if not then try another adjective.
• Why does it say ‘together for excellence’? Is it a motto or something? If it is, fine, but once again it’s not clear.

Laptops:
Over half of the laptops’ finger pads are badly damaged with the majority either ‘sticking out’, broken or even missing. Although we know that ‘pupils’ are the root of this problem, it is impossible to identify the culprit(s) beyond mere suspicion, due to the lack of evidence provided (which requires the use of finger print recognition in order to go any further!).

However, this can be prevented.

As of September 2008, pupils will be obliged to use mice whilst working on the laptops. The use of mice will replace the present use of the finger pad. This will stop further damage being inflicted, hence preventing costly repairs in the future.
Our IT technicians recommend the ‘Mikomi 5 Button Optical Mouse’, which is a compact and straightforward enough mouse for any pupil to use and only costs £4.99. Sixty mice are required for extension rooms A1 and A2, which can both hold up to 30 pupils and run simultaneously. Therefore, the total cost of the mice is approximately £300.
If this is successful, our IT technicians will begin to repair the broken laptops’ finger pads to ensure that health and safety at Beardwood is kept at its optimum standard. We predict that these repairs will cost around £500.
To insure that this problem does not persist, any person caught abusing the school’s systems after September 2008 will face heavy sanction. To reinforce this, posters presenting the consequences for such acts will be clearly displayed in the extension and IT rooms.
Every year, surplus money is saved until enough is accumulated (for what?) This year, it has been decided that this money will be used to purchase new laptops/iMac computers to aid pupils with different productions which necessitate the use of such high technology.

• Why the hell is ‘pupils’ in quotation marks?
• (which requires the use of finger print recognition in order to go any further!). I don’t think you need that sentence. If you insist on it, I would go for ‘….evidence provided, which requires the use of finger print recognition in order to be taken further.
• Every year, surplus money is saved until enough is accumulated… for general use? Improvements?
• Such high technology sounds odd. Sophisticated technology?