Please can someone mark my english persuasive articles

Hi i'd be happy if someone marked this writing, it's for the GCSE english language paper 2 section B out of 40 marks (24 content + organisation & 16 technical accuracy)

‘Our addiction to cheap clothes and fast fashion means young people in poorer
countries have to work in terrible conditions to make them. We must change our
attitude to buying clothes now.’
Write an article for a magazine or website in which you argue your point of view on
this statement.

As soon as you enter a store parades of vibrant pieces of clothes surround you showing off it's meticulousely sewn seams and intricate designs. At first sight, one would be at awe at the sight masses of beautiful fabrics that meet their eye at every glance, however beneath this decietful, deceptive facade there hides the dark, sinister truth of fast fashion. Blood, sweat and tears of millions and millions of young people are poured into these products for the mere wage of six pence per hour - if they're lucky.

The aspirations and dreams and futures of generations are thrown away to satisfy our insatiable appetite. Whilst their delicate, worn out, frail hands work tirelessely to make ends meet our hands holds the fruits of their creations. 'Money is the root of all evil' that's what millions of people tell themselves around the world yet our growing greed still seems to heavily outcompete our empathy for the poor. Why is that? Why is it that these victims are forced to bear the consequences of humanities sins?

Sure fast fashion allows clothes to be more affordable to the disadvantaged but are their sacrifice truely necessary for fighting the growing epidemic of poverty? Fast fashion provides many the opportunity to buy goods at a lower price however it comes at a great expense. The rich capitalists have effectively decieved the proletariate into thinking even more exploitation is the cure to their inept poverty. That £5 Primark shirt may appear to be a great bargain but behind that price tag hides a much greater price. Life.

This enlightening revelation causes many consumors' eyes to prick with tears and feel a heavy, dull sensation of pain at the back of their throat. They're speechless. The once vibrant elegant clothes latched onto their skin suddenly loses it's glam at the face of reality. The stores with parades of clothes suddenly appear like a mass graveyard, with each clothing item representing loss of life. That artificial facade held up by rich CEOs slowly deteriorates as their consumors become increasingly aware of their crimes against humanity. Humanities failure to sustain mankind becomes more and more apparent.

This increasing awareness is enough to brim tears in people's eyes yet the suffering of the poor still continues. Action is what we need. Sympathy by itself, if it is not accompanied by action is dead. To truely tackle this ongoing problem of fast fashion humanity must unite against the forces of evil. Together we can make change. Today, tomorrow, together.

Reply 1

AmeenahHs

It's really well written and it's clear that you've got an extensive range of vocabulary, which is very impressive. Paragraphing is what so many of us miss out, so well done for that. Your techniques are there, and overall it's very well written. I would give 20/24 for content and organisation, and 13/16 for technical accuracy just because there's a lack of statistics as well as a range of punctuation.

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