catching bf cheating again?? - quite a long read im sorry!

I am a 17yr old girl and my bf is also my age but we are in an long distance relationship. Our relationship is quite a bit complicated. We started dating in March 2022 and we were rrly close, making time for each other, texting all the time, being there for each other, showing each other we loved one another etc etc. however, i noticed that during June 2022 he had become a little distanced from me. I obviously noticed his change in behaviour and i questioned asking why and whether if i had done something. He reassured me it wasn’t me and that he ahd stuff going on in his life and needed a break from everything, including me. I understood and accepted his decision to take the time off and told him i will always be there to back him up whenever. I went on a trip for my dad’s business in July/August, and my i told my bf about it and how excited i was abt it. Atp we were talking but not as much as we used to. I accepted as he was going through stuff. After the trip, i get a message from one of my friends who is also friends with my bf and asked me if me and my bf were dating. I said yes and that we were dating for a while now. She texts me saying my bf is always flirting with her despite me dating him (bare in mind this was during the time where he said he needed to be off socials and limited time to talk to me). I was okay with him being friends with girls at least it was not over the top. My name on his bio and vice versa is what ticked her off. We found out he was cheating on me with my friend otp, he panic texted me saying he was high when he was flirting with the girl and was out of his mind. He said that he went high bc of the stuff going on in his life. He tactically guilt tripped me into saying he would go high if i left him as i was willing to end our rs. I was too blinded in love and accepted what he did and forgave him. We were fine after a while. However we did get into arguments about him talking to other girl and me talking to guys, although i rarely talked to them and only talked if we would play games. So we both blocked the boys/girls off our contacts.
After that he went all cold at me all of a sudden and we rarely got to speak. It got to a point where we would only talk once a week. I got upset and argued to him for his time as it felt as if we were get distanced. It was already hard for us as we were in an LDR.
Our relationship got soo toxic that i would argue with him over the most pettiest of stuff, such as arguing for him to text me back and stay on calls. I obvs understood if he had stuff to do, however he didn’t as he would be talking and playing games all day and not talk to me. He started to block me on my socials, firstly on tiktok and he goes ‘it only tiktok it’s not even deep tf’ but my love language is sending tiktoks to ppl. He then unadded my on snap and normal texts and i could only talk to him on discord. I told him on it that i’m ending it as i don’t feel part of the rs anymore. After this i log into an old game which auto logged into his account and i was tempted to read his dms for evidence to why he went all cold at me. I see this dm from what looked like his ex who asked if they could restart their rs just a few weeks after i broke up with him. I know snooping through his account was wrong of me, but i needed to know why he went all cold and whether he didn’t make the same mistake of making moves with another girl. I dm this girl from my account and she talk to me abt how my bf lost interest in her and moved on rrly quick to me. I give his account details to her so she can check what else happened during the period of time my bf was with me. It turned out he said a ton of stuff to me to another girl and seemed to like this girl (her name is Zainab, but ill explain why I am mentioning names later).
5 months later during April this year, he texts me saying he apologises for what he’s done and i accept it and from then we’re together again, i regained feelings for him too quickly again. I questioned him on Zainab and reassures me that they were only friends and he no longer talks to her anymore and he only loves me and missed me for the duration he didn’t get to talk to me. I accept it and we are talking perfectly normally and seems to be his old self and gives me his attention.

However, shortly after that he goes to his cold self and shows not much attention to me. This time I didn’t question and went into some investigation myself without him knowing. Turned out he was talking to another girl, sending red hearts etc etc. I ask him who the girl was and why he sent the red hearts back to the girl, calling her bae and all. He tells me it was quite a long time ago when he sent that, but i couldn’t tell as there was no timing stated on the dms. I go to him and tell him, could you not please talk to her as both you seemed to by way more close before and it might lead up to ‘a more than friends’ kinda thing. He starts arguing saying im jealous and that i talk to guys and he doesn’t see any wrong in that. However, he was the one who cheated in the first instance and I never did. However, I did talk to 2 dudes whilst we said we would block off the boys/girls we knew, however i only spoke when we gamed.

I tell him from now on let’s just not talk to ppl of the opposite gender if we can’t trust each other, but he goes on to argue saying it isn’t such a big issue.

We don't talk for 2-3days and then he hits me up saying if im alright etc. We talk for a while.

Hours later he randomly goes this relationship isn’t working and that it’s because im always arguing with him about him not giving me attention or going crazy when he talks to another girl. But I reason with him saying im worried to lose you and you’ve cheated twice on me with 2 other girls, it isn’t my fault my behaviour has changed from my laid-back self to being a psycho.

He goes I cant trust u either as u were talking to 2 guys on a game when i shouldn’t have. I apologised to him. However he knows i havent cheated but he has.

I talk to him saying we both have made mistakes before we broke up, and we should put the past behind us, and restart. We should fix ourselves and work on from there. It would take time to build mutual trust but I am willing to give my all for it bc i am still in love with him.

He texts me saying ‘ill think about starting over, we cant go straight to love’. I say that is okay. We play a game together after wards. And since then we didn’t text each other.

Yesterday, i was on a game and it was a coincidence he was on too. He invited me onto a game had a quick ‘how are you’ and played the game. He goes i need to go off now. I say okay take care of yourself.

An hour later, I come back on to see he’s playing with someone else. I go to check who it is but I can't seem to recognise the user and what gender it is.

I realise that the user has the same initials to the girl (Zainab) the one who my bf liked and never told me about. Her last 2 digits of her birth year was used too but i cant seem to know her exact birth year.

I fr turned into a psycho thinking if it was her but I am not certain it is her now.

Someone suggested I add the person to see who it is. They have added me back and I plan to talk to them tomorrow and see who it is.

My issue here is how do I initiate the convo with this person, without the person knowing I know my bf/ex? I don’t wanna look like I was snooping through his profile.

And in the case it is the girl he liked, how should I approach my bf/ex? Should I approach him at all?

Reply 1

Muttly

You don't. Live with relationships in the real world - face to face.

How much time have you spent here reeling off so many negatives about the bf's you associate with? That should be time in which you are content, cheerful and have pleasant thoughts but it is unproductive time; time you will never get back in life to use wisely.

There are some really big red flags here, but if you don't heed the warnings you will be forever waiting for your bf to treat you with respect and to treat you well. He won't. People with similar outlooks congregate together, and if his mates behave in the same way your bf did I would get out of that crowd very very quickly (like yesterday)

You are only 17 years old and have a lifetime of opportunities to meet men. To find someone who is wonderful and enhances your whole life is wonderful. Life should be fun, not arguing . So why at 17 years of age are you going for a bad choice and second best? A bf should not treat you like s*it and if you let someone do that to you have set your own bar scraping the floor. Why? Be careful you are not played and used. Some men love doing this just to prove their own status and do it to show they are a 'big' man (but everyone knows exactly what they are if they behave like this) This situation has all of those hallmarks.