Could someone please mark my English Language P1 Q5?

^Could someone please mark my answer, as well as give me a few targets?
Question: Describe a place you think is beautiful
(40 overall marks) (24= content and organisation, 16=technical accuracy)

Answer: I woke up in a trance. Dazed, I looked around, a glorious lime field welcomed me in. Stumbling, I came closer. I ran towards the field, as though I was a child again. The long stalks, which were smothered by the warmth of the sun, hugged my calves, as I ran in a childish daze. Rosy, red puppies waved, as the gentle breeze tickled them with glee. I plucked a white dandelion from the earthy ground and blew with all the might that I could manage. The seeds flew away as if an angel was guiding them along. I sprinted along with the seeds, giggling with childish glee.

The amber sun glazed my beige neck and roasted my rosy cheeks, with its bright rays of sunlight, as I ran, indulging in the moment. Bright rays of sunlight dripped like hot wax onto the luscious field. The crisp spring wind whistled, and the bright cobalt blue sky that was streaked with fluffy white clouds glowed brightly. It was all too beautiful to be true. It was as though it was crafted by Gaia, the Greek God of nature. I was in a dream-like state, as the snowy clouds flew over me, like a guardian angel, protecting me from whatever would come next. The sweet smell of crimson roses floated in the air, as they tickled my nose.

The soft chirp of an orchestra of birds soothed my senses. Swiftly, the small blue birds rose excitedly, as they flapped their strong wings elegantly. Slowly, the sound of horses rang in my head gently, as the sounds of neighing enveloped me. The dark muscular horses galloped together in a herd, their muscles emphasised with each stroke. The brown rabbits hopped, and the blue butterflies flew breezily, as though they were picked up by the invisible hand of God.

The tall trees towered over me, their dark shadows blocking the glowing rays of sunlight. Dark green bushes cowered in the corner of the field, scared. Dark, mysterious crows cawed in the background, laughing mockingly. They flapped their gloomy, muscular wings in unison as if they were praying. I crept closer towards the inviting ocean. The dark shadows were reflected onto the ocean. Rocks crumbled in fright, eroding away, and plunged into the cold, unwelcoming depths of the ocean. Strong gusts of wind struck hard, forcing the trees to tremble with fear.

Suddenly, the fluffy clouds disappeared, as they were shoved away by the strong gusts; the bright blue sky turned a mysterious black colour, as if a thief had stolen its beautiful blue hue. The animals scurried away in a collective fright. Nothing was left. The rosy flowers drooped as they were cowering from an external force. Cold rain sputtered onto the ground, as though it was spitting in disgust. The gray rain stamped across the field, drowning the long stalks of grass, as they shrieked. My clothes gripped onto me, screaming helplessly. I screamed silently, as a strong gust choked me. The smell of the crimson roses floated into my nose, as I stared dazed.

No change in the structure of each paragraph and towards the start of the answer there is a lot of the word 'I' being used. I would mark this as 24/40 therefore a grade 5+.

No change in the structure of each paragraph and towards the start of the answer there is a lot of the word 'I' being used. I would mark this as 24/40 therefore a grade 5+.

just a question, how can i change the structure? and should i just limit my use of 'i'?

Use varied paragraph lengths and refrain from using 'I' where possible to increase your chance of getting a 6 or above. The story is also quite short. What grade are you working at?

Oh i see. My target grade for english language is a 6. How many words/paragraphs would you recommend for a 40-marker then? i dont want to write too little or just not have enough time to finish.

In an ideal world, just write 1 large paragraph across a few pages and use sentence openers such as 'then' and 'after' etc. Should help you get at least a 6