Why am I like this when it comes to someone I like?

Just a brief description about me: I'm a 21 yo CS student, and I never ever had a girlfriend.
I'm pretty social, and I'm not saying it just like that. I tend to be the one who talks the most in my friend group, or even with strangers, after I spend a little time with them.
I'm one of those people who tend to make the atmosphere more "chill", when people around me are giving signs of shyness.
However, I wasn't like that all the time. Before Uni, I was pretty shy, especially around new people. Around my friends I was as I still am today, pretty crazy and always with a tendency to joke around. I was one of those nerds who was shy around strangers.
Moving on to the present, I've never had a girlfriend. I crushed on several girls through high school, and even through my college life, and also fell in love with some of them, but nothing serious happened. And I feel like I have a problem here.
Why do I consider it a problem? Because every time I catch feelings for someone (even if I never met them face-to-face, or just met them once or twice), I tend to "imagine" my life together with them, and I go around and daydream while walking outside with my headphones on for 2-3 hours per day.
No, this doesn't affect my day to day life. I do this often, but I do this mostly when I feel like I'm in love.
I'm currently "crushing" on someone (if you can still call it "crushing" when you're almost an adult), but never met her face to face. But we got some common (friends? I guess). The only way I know something about her is through the stories she's posting. I also have the tendency to post something interesting on my stories in order to gather some attention (and it sometimes works - it worked also in this case - but we didn't start a convo or something). However, I feel that doing stuff to gain attention is pretty sad and want to stop it asap.
My question would be: why am I like that? I don't know. Sometimes I feel so lonely and I'm thinking about the fact that I'll soon reach my 30s, maybe even 40s, while still being alone. And it's not about the fact that all my friends already have a relationship, but it's about how I feel, and about the fact that I also want to feel loved, not only feel in love, and daydream about it all day while doing nothing.
Damn, I feel both like a loser and like a weirdo for writing all this, especially doing it on the internet :smile:

I hope reading this text didn't feel as weird as I felt when I wrote it.

Reply 1

mmpi

Hey!

That's really brave of you to open up about, you've been really honest with yourself mate. Well done.

It certainly sounds like you've been displaying some unhealthy behaviour and attitudes despite being aware of the fact that you're doing it. It's important to understand why we do certain things, so it would be worthwhile to think about what may be influencing you to behave in such a way. Often these types of attachment concerns are down to feelings we try to ignore because they may feel shameful or be upsetting to confront. That is okay, it is normal. Ask any emotionally mature adult you know whether they've had to confront an ugly part of them before, they will say yes. Ask them if they've done any and everything to distract themselves from doing that, the answer will most likely also be yes.

From what you've said, your life sounds well balanced in other areas but do you have intense feelings of attachment to non-romantic interests? Are you looking for validation with friends and family like this too? It's really good that you've discovered this part of yourself at a point in your life where it will be straightforward to work on, I know it's easier said than done but 30 is almost a decade away for you so try not to run away with thoughts of the future.

If this is something that really bothers you and you feel like you need an outside perspective or guidance on how to manage this then have a chat with your GP, yes waiting lists are very long for talking therapy depending on where you are based but it is worth it as an investment in your future. They may also be able to point you in the direction of charities and other services that may fill the gap while you wait for something more formal.

To answer your question, only you will know why you are like this but that's why you've got to work on yourself. There is a common opinion that working on oneself is a bad thing and usually follows a period of being bad as a form of repentance but it really isn't! Working on yourself becomes such a fulfilling and beautiful thing as you move through life, there will be rough and smooth but you will be better equipped to deal with it when it happens.

Take a step back from thinking about everyone else and what they are doing. Stop creating opportunities for them to notice you, start taking that effort and put it into yourself. Find a hobby offline that you can take up or spend time with people you need to be less 'on' around and remove romance from the equation. The more you push, the further it will be so why not have a good time living while you wait for the right person rather than fixating on something that wont happen no matter how hard you will it to.

Topics like this are difficult to talk about, it's always better to be direct and forthcoming. You've done a great job with us, now do it with yourself- take some time and have a breather. I'd recommend reading up on the symptoms of anxiety, maladaptive daydreaming is sometimes one of the ways it manifests and may be what you're experiencing. Also check out the book 'Attached' (https://amzn.eu/d/bPdSXfq), it's a great read and will certainly make you feel less 'weird' or alone in how you are.

No matter what you end up deciding to do just make sure you do something because it won't stop happening on its own.