What am I to him? Do I have a chance

Original post by Anonymous #1

Hi,

So I meet this guy in college last year and we didn’t speak really we were just in the same class. I then started work in the summer and he ended up working the same place as me. So we would flirt at work, share glances that were way too long and chat the whole time. I left that job but got his snap. When we worked together there was one week he was on holiday and called me every night And since then every time he or I are drunk we call and text eachother but sometimes sober. Last night he text me and we hooked up. He’s older than me and said when he was over that he doesn’t do relationships. I know he has a highish body count and has slept with one other girl since we started talking. Please be honest. Am I just a drunken thing or do you think it could be more to him.I don’t mind either way I’m happy with what we are if that’s all he wants to be. He’s older than me and I just don’t know. Because it seems like I’m the girl he always goes to.

Most likely a "drunken thing".

Reply 2

Zarek

my interpretation is that he may be happy having occasional sex, but that any commitment is highly unlikely

Reply 3

My gut feeling is nothing 'more' will happen. I'm tired of writing essays on this site to explain why though.

What will likely instead happen is you will either continue engaging with one another on this casual basis, or if you choose to properly 'friendzone' him and put some distance then he will either gradually forget about you or start craving and running after you, only to withdraw that attention when you reciprocate interest again.

I'll give the same advice that I always do: don't bother with people who aren't straightforward.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by NonIndigenous

My gut feeling is nothing 'more' will happen. I'm tired of writing essays on this site to explain why though.

What will likely instead happen is you will either continue engaging with one another on this casual basis, or if you choose to properly 'friendzone' him and put some distance then he will either gradually forget about you or start craving and running after you, only to withdraw that attention when you reciprocate interest again.

I'll give the same advice that I always do: don't bother with people who aren't straightforward.

I just don’t get how guys think like that though because he means a lot to me and the things he says when he does are very nice like he calls me beautiful and says that ‘ your mine’ and that I will always be the girl he comes to. Am I literally just the best looking hook up available or is there a chance he’s not ready for a relationship rn but will in the future

Reply 5

ageshallnot

Original post by Anonymous #1

I just don’t get how guys think like that though because he means a lot to me and the things he says when he does are very nice like he calls me beautiful and says that ‘ your mine’ and that I will always be the girl he comes to. Am I literally just the best looking hook up available or is there a chance he’s not ready for a relationship rn but will in the future

Tell him to go away and come back when he means it.

Reply 6

Original post by Anonymous #1

I just don’t get how guys think like that though because he means a lot to me and the things he says when he does are very nice like he calls me beautiful and says that ‘ your mine’ and that I will always be the girl he comes to. Am I literally just the best looking hook up available or is there a chance he’s not ready for a relationship rn but will in the future

Men more often have avoidant attachment styles. Women more often have anxious attachment styles. That's why. But I'll caveat that by saying I've come across a number of women who act the same way you described, so I get how frustrating it is.

Then there also is an attachment style that is called "chaotic" which is a mix of both of those, and exhibits the push/pull pattern that I described earlier. If he gets easily hooked on women, but at the same time fears getting attached and 'manages' that insecurity by keeping lots of women as backup options, towards whom he is inconsistent and fluctuates between feeling attached & detached... then he might have the chaotic attachment style.

Sure, he might get over it in the future, or he might not. Don't wait for something that might never happen. I'm sorry that you were messed around.

If you are dealing with someone who cannot clearly articulate their thoughts and feelings into words, and for example thinks one thing, feels something else, says something else, and does something else... you are going to have a heap of mess to deal with. You won't enjoy it. It is their responsibility to sort out their own mental health, not yours.

(edited 4 months ago)

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

He sounds like he has the chaotic one you described. It’s either that or he says all the right things to get laid then stops. I’m fully aware it could be that but also it makes me question if he did just want a hook up. Why would he keep coming back to me when I know he could get loads of other girls.

Reply 8

Original post by Anonymous #1

He sounds like he has the chaotic one you described. It’s either that or he says all the right things to get laid then stops. I’m fully aware it could be that but also it makes me question if he did just want a hook up. Why would he keep coming back to me when I know he could get loads of other girls.

He probably keeps coming back because there is an ounce of genuine connection that some part of him wants but doesn't want to acknowledge. But please don't take that breadcrumb as a reason to invest yourself in someone like this. I'll go as far as to say that you likely wouldn't even be doing him any favours. You would likely instead only be supplementing / enabling his current behavioural pattern (as are all the other women in his life), by continuing to engage with him on this basis.

People in this state of mind benefit the most from spending more time alone to self-reflect. Covid forced me to do that for instance, and ironically I think I'm a lot better off for it today. People can do that with the guidance of a therapist if necessary, which is a smarter method than getting emotionally entangled in some sort of 'situationship' with someone of the the opposite sex.

But that is his responsibility.

Perhaps you should even ask yourself if you might have the anxious attachment style, that might make you feel stronger about him than you should given the context you've described. Can you give a good/rational reason why you would want a relationship with him, given the circumstances? If not, then there is a chance that what you think and what you feel aren't aligned. I'm not alleging anything, just that it is worth thinking about.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by NonIndigenous

He probably keeps coming back because there is an ounce of genuine connection that some part of him wants but doesn't want to acknowledge. But please don't take that breadcrumb as a reason to invest yourself in someone like this. I'll go as far as to say that you likely wouldn't even be doing him any favours. You would likely instead only be supplementing / enabling his current behavioural pattern (as are all the other women in his life), by continuing to engage with him on this basis.

People in this state of mind benefit the most from spending more time alone to self-reflect. Covid forced me to do that for instance, and ironically I think I'm a lot better off for it today. People can do that with the guidance of a therapist if necessary, which is a smarter method than getting emotionally entangled in some sort of 'situationship' with someone of the the opposite sex.

But that is his responsibility.

Perhaps you should even ask yourself if you might have the anxious attachment style, that might make you feel stronger about him than you should given the context you've described. Can you give a good/rational reason why you would want a relationship with him, given the circumstances? If not, then there is a chance that what you think and what you feel aren't aligned. I'm not alleging anything, just that it is worth thinking about.

I know I do have a bad attachment style. I am afraid of rejection and will hang on to people for way too long. The thing is I’ve known him through so many traumatic things this year and I think that’s why I’m so attached to him and he’s been a constant that I can go to when I want attention. I’ve told him before that I have strong feelings for him and he asked why and I honestly couldn’t say ehy because I don’t know

Reply 10

Universities Forum Helper

Original post by Anonymous #1

I know I do have a bad attachment style. I am afraid of rejection and will hang on to people for way too long. The thing is I’ve known him through so many traumatic things this year and I think that’s why I’m so attached to him and he’s been a constant that I can go to when I want attention. I’ve told him before that I have strong feelings for him and he asked why and I honestly couldn’t say ehy because I don’t know

Don't rely on him. Rely on people such as your friends, who reciprocate the same level of intimacy that you give them. I think you not even being able to describe why you have strong feelings for him, sums up the problem.

Chasing people who do not reciprocate your feelings also risks diluting or even damaging the existing relationships that you have, which can undermine you and even exacerbate an existing anxious attachment style. You are effectively implying that you value him more than people who actually care about you. The time you spend on him, could be spent with people who already value you. If then you ask yourself, "why do I spend my time with these people", you ought to have a much better answer than the answer you gave him. Gradually, by choosing relationships with people like this who reciprocate and value you, you start to re-tune your mind and eventually learn to pursue intimate partners who also reciprocate and value you. But, this takes time and you will need to be patient.

I have a very hard rule about not dating and often even avoid befriending women who appear to 'need' to be in a relationship or are constantly hooking up with some guy or other whenever they feel lousy about themselves. Why? I used to give very crude answers to that question a couple of years ago. These kinds of women just angered me, that's why, and I would make up reasons why they angered me based on some cliched red pill crap that I read on the internet (some of which is nonetheless true). But now I genuinely know why they angered me, and often they still do or they at least annoy me. They are extremely inconsistent. Their own likely dysfunctional attachment style often made it extremely awkward for me to interact with them and would trigger my own issues, and their lack of self-awareness of or initiative to fix these issues in themselves made me not respect them either. I am not just ranting, I have a point to make. My point is that these women would not take any time out to themselves to self-reflect or work on their issues, for example following a break up. Immediately, they would start thumbing through all the 'options' (men) whom they thought were available to them, as a means to superficially and temporarily boost their wounded ego. Those women rarely cared about any of those men. There was little depth to these interactions. And those women would compulsively repeat the same mistakes while selfishly also inflicting further damage on other people around them, just like your buddy is doing to yourself and probably other women. They had no real patience or perseverance, and were not willing to recognise their mistakes or take the time to do anything significant to authentically improve themselves.

Hope that makes sense.

(edited 4 months ago)

Reply 11

Admit-One

He just sounds like he’s stringing you along and intermittently saying the right things.

If his actions aren’t consistent with what you’re after then you either need to have a serious conversation or just draw a line under it, (which is what I’d do straight away given his behaviour to date).

Reply 12

Surnia