How to deal with insecurity from internalised racism

Sometimes I can't help but feel conscious about my race/ethnicity, and this is particularly true when I'm dating someone other than my race. I would feel insecure, finding it hard to believe that they would actually choose me when there are pretty blonde girls around, or hot black girls with stereotypically "better" bodies, et cetra. I also feel scared to meet their families because what if their parents are disappointed that their child is together with someone who is socially in a weaker position? All of this came out of myself, no horrific racist experiences in the past... and I am an adult well into my 20s and thought my years of insecurity were over. Well they're not... and hard to get rid of. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you overcome it?

Hey, I can definitely see where you're coming from... as I had similar issues.

I think I can pin-point where some of my insecurities came from, as when I was in primary school, I was pretty much the only black kid out of a sea of white faces. There were a lot more black kids in my secondary school, but I'm also dark-skinned. I got a lot of stick from the other kids from both those scenarios (in black communities, light-skinned people are typically considered more beautiful; I guess it's the black equivalent of being blonde).

It wasn't until I was at University when things really improved. I don't know if you went to university or what the mix was like if you did, but at mine I had the privilege of meeting all sorts of people from all different backgrounds. With the help of counselling and a great girl I met there, i managed to overcome my differences, and learnt to love my jet black skin (I even dipped my toe in the superficial world of modelling, would you believe).

I can point out a few things that may help you improve your self-image and /or confidence, but I can't give you a guaranteed solution. In order to find the best way for you to tackle this, you need to be sure to identify the root cause of your insecurities and internalised racism. The other thing to bear in mind, this isn't something that's going to magically disappear or sort itself out; ignore it and it will stay with you for the rest of your life and will probably sabotage any relationships you have with (especially if it's with someone who's not of your own ethnicity).

Where did it come from? No one is born racist (internalised racism or otherwise), it's something that's learnt, so you need to ask yourself WHY are you feeling like this, what happened to make you feel inferior to white or black people? It must have come from somewhere... you say there were no "horrific racist experiences"... could it be something like social conditioning? Is it a case that there aren't many of your ethnicity in mainstream media (e.g. singers, actors, sports persons etc.). Is it an adverse stereotype that's associated with your ethnicity?

One thing I'd say is stop comparing yourself to "the pretty blonde girls" or "the hot black girls" l run your own race and concentrate on becoming the best version of "YOU" possible. Although it's very superficial, the one thing modelling taught me was that there are beautiful people in EACH AND EVERY ethnic group and beauty exists across a wide stretch of skin colours. I'm almost certain you're much more attractive and desirable than you give yourself credit for (you're always your own worst critic; remember that). Having said that, if you do feel unhappy with your body, then get proactive and do something about it... you can get cheap gym memberships if you go to the local leisure centre or if you look at some of the brand gyms (e.g. Pure Gym; Anytime fitness; The Gym Group etc) they often do discounts and offers; plus all those ones I mentioned are open 24/7.

Also, you should do a Reality Check. Why on earth would their parents feel dissapointed that their son has brought home a girl who makes him happy?!? And what makes you think that you're in a "weaker position"? This is the UK and the 21st Century. Excuse my language, but I think it's f**king awsome that now we all have the freedom to date whoever we want, without fear of persecution. Put it this way... if his family would have had a problem with your ethnicity he either:-

a) wouldn't date you in the first place or
b) wouldn't introduce you to his family.

The other nice thing about guys (and people, in general) is that we've got working eyes and a brain (well most of us do lol)... so we're capable of deciding for ourselves what we do and don't find attractive. Put it this way, maybe he does have the choice of blonde or black girls, but he's still choosing to date you in spite of all this... so surely you've got something going for you, no? Everyone has their own individual "type", and we're not all brainwashed by our frankly racist media.

And for the record, black girls haven't always had it so good... even as recent as the last Century, they were often shamed for their typically voluptuous figures, and afro hair (it's literally only the past few years that black girls have started to wear their hair naturally; before they were encouraged to have a more "white" look by wearing a wig / weave or relaxing their hair (which leads to all sorts of problems later on). It took Jenifer Lopez (who is actually Hispanic; namely Puerto Rican) to make the world take notice that "La grande derriere peut etre tres sexy"... and it was still a couple of years later when there was the first truly global / universal black sex-symbol (Beyoncé).

If you forget everything else I've written, remember to ask yourself the right question(s)... it's not "How to deal with insecurity from internalised racism?" first ask yourself, "WHY do I have insecurity?" and "WHY do I have internalised racism?" Once you have the answers to those last to questions, you'll be in a much better position to have a go at your original one.

Good luck