Dragonball Evolution (2009, James Wong)
Although Dragonball Evolution is only about as competent an adaptation of its source material as Uwe Boll’s films are of video games (that is to say, not a lot), at least it is a mercifully brief foray into the road preferably not travelled. Running in at less than 80 minutes (unless you, for who knows what reason, stick around for the credits), it is at least a brisk train wreck, providing you with most of the expository narration you will require within the film’s first sixty seconds.
Surprisingly free of overly-fantastical verbiage, Dragonball Evolution’s opening lets us know that 2000 years ago, an evil warlord named Piccolo (James Marsters) attempted to destroy Earth, yet met resistance and was imprisoned with a mystical spell. However, in present day, Piccolo has managed to escape and is searching for a number of mysterious dragonballs in order to make a wish to a magical dragon. Essentially, Piccolo follows the character arc of Superman’s General Zod, you know, if Zod had a deformed head and was painted green.
Soon enough, we meet young martial artist Goku (Justin Chatwin), who is the apprentice to his grandfather, Gohan. Typically, Goku learns a lot from ‘ol grandpa, and within mere minutes, the film is already filled to the brim with dodgy wire work and enough whimsy and truisms to make you want to vomit.
Transposing Dragonball into this setting – particularly when we observe Goku as an American high school student – simply does not work. The result is immensely cheesy, and by the time Goku is dropkicking bullies and fawning over his pretty classmate, you’ll wonder whether the film was some sort of practical joke between studio heads. That said, the awkwardness does rouse a chuckle or two throughout, and there are a few large nods to fans of the series, memorably as Goku attempts to flatten his hair down with gel, yet it simply springs back up.
One would expect that if Dragonball Evolution was going to succeed in any department, it would be the action front, yet as with virtually everything else about this film, it is mishandled, making excessive use of the “ramp up” and “ramp down” slow-motion effects that became so notably divisive in 300. Furthermore, there simply isn’t enough action; for a film that doesn’t run too long over the hour mark, it lingers and clambers around for far too long.
Further still, the film’s portrayal of series antagonist Piccolo is sure to frustrate fans of the source material, as well as anyone that’s a fan of good characterisation. Although Buffy mainstay Marsters is not to blame, for his deep, monotonous voice is one of the few delicious aspects of the film, he just has no screen presence, chiefly because of some hokey makeup effects, and, well, because he’s just not on screen very much.
After Piccolo implodes Goku’s home (in one of the film’s more showy visual effects moments), and cute sidekick Bulma (Emmy Rossum) shows up to assist Goku, the plot finally begins moving forward. Nevertheless, I couldn’t get out of my mind what a promising actress like Rossum was doing in a picture like this – with a saucy role in 2003’s Clint Eastwood film Mystic River, and receiving a Golden Globe nomination for her work in Phantom of the Opera, to see her reduced to this is a little disheartening.
Chow Yun-Fat, who seems to be the only person really having any fun in this film, makes his welcome, although rather belated entrance later as martial arts master Roshi, and although he surely had a penthouse or yacht payment to make, his over-the-top playfulness is in touch with Dragonball’s cartoon origins, making the film somewhat more bearable.
If Dragonball Evolution succeeds at anything, it surely takes the art of teasing its audience to a new level of mastery, for our can’t-be-arsed antagonist Piccolo, in all of his five minutes of screen time until the final battle, simply barks orders at his female warrior sidekick, before sending a fleet of monsters that loosely resemble the Xenomorph from Alien. When their numbers run out, Piccolo sends the sidekick herself, and to be honest, with her ability to imitate other people, she presents a greater sense of threat than the green one himself.
The film’s finale is something of a barely comprehensible mess; it allows Piccolo to finally become ferocious, but it throws some left-field material in there for those unacquainted with the source material, as well as some well-worn action film clichés, namely plenty of “are they dead, aren’t they?” moments, and some sickeningly sage truisms to boot. Naturally, everything is tied up in a neat bow just in time for the credits to hit, but not before the blatant hint of a sequel (which is already in production) outrageously implies Dragonball 2 will simply feature another quest to find more dragonballs.
This cack-handed adaptation of the beloved manga and anime series suffers from a laboriously dull script, bland characters, and simply the shoddiest villain of the year thus far. The sheer corniness generates a few laughs, namely from Yun-Fat’s grin-and-wink posturing, and whilst the performers are fine and the visual effects solid, this is a poor adaptation, and an even worse film, that its oddly distinguished cast – Rossum, Yun-Fat, Marsters, and Oz star Ernie Hudson (in absurd old-man make up, no less) in particular – will soon wish to forget.
Rating: 3/10