Original post by johnsonnTitle says it...
Being single is just a normal part of life, just as much as having no self esteem and no self worth, just as much as no girl wanting to kiss you, touch you, or spend time with you...
That to me is life, just deal with it. that's normal, everyone has to put up with ****, this is my ****...
No matter who you go to for help, they always have an opinion. That opinion seams so fake unreal, and almost so offensive because it come from someone who has been fulfilled sexually, emotionally, at least had some sort of embrace of passion.
I used to love hanging out with girls I was raised by so many of them, now. It puts me on edge to be around them unless I'm inebriated in one sense or another. When I can feel free.
Otherwise I hate they way I feel around them, it puts me on edge I feel like I have to constantly be on guard like I'm a business selling its only product and it's either sink or swim... It seams so trivial to you though. What I hate most about me is why is passion embedded so deep in me. I wish I could cut it out get rid of it and live a normal life, but my head is programmed to think this way.
I'm meant to be a man yet I can't go out and get the one thing that my brain is craving, that my hormones crave, that my DNA is telling me to get... I have to suppress all that. It makes me feel like I'm in child in a sea of men, I have no chance. Which makes me feel undesired, unneeded, unwanted, a failure.
I could wait till I get older 30's get a steady job after my degree get a girlfriend, but there this voice in my head saying why couldn't I get a girl 5 yeas ago? is it because they could of done better then? Looks where better then, everyone looks better when they are younger, Is it because they where with guys better looking that me? I feel like I'm gonna be someone who just get left with the leftovers (It sounds vile to talk about a woman like that, I know but its the twisted way my brain thinks) You hear it, I deal with it. I wish I could cut sex/lust/passion/attraction/love out of my brain.
I hate the fact everyone can be so open about it, can run around and have sex so casually it feels like real star-crossed love is dead. But I can not comment. I don't know what love is. And at 27 this scares me the most as much as I don't think I can love properly. I have bad Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Night terrors which I'm almost 99% sure is due to being alone.
I have not been myself for such a long time I don't know what being myself feels like. I have been dead for a while, for so long I feel like I'm not real, because I'm not who I was. I haven't been who i was for 10 years.
I'm not depressed, I'm alone emotionally, physically and sexually. No pill that the doctor tries to prescribe me can fix that.
You really think that getting out more, socializing fixes this? Would socializing fix that fact I'm 5.0ft and unattractive? This feeling been there ever since my hormones switched on forcing me to feel something I can't express. I don't want to end up being one of them 60 year old desperate guy in Thailand going after young girls, I would rather slit my wrists but I feel that's the way I'm going. No one plans to be a drug addict, but bad **** just happens.
My friends don't know this, I am not gonna tell them, they can not replicate or synthesize this feeling. I'm always the one to listen to them and sympathize and be happy, to have fun with. I Would not want them to hear this about me.
I don't know what to do. short, fat and ugly a failure as a man. I couldn't pull a skinny girl in a tug of war, let alone get one to kiss me.
What should I do?
Apart from get a cat....