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Should I settle for life
Hi,
OK, so I'm a bit confused at the moment. Don't feel tired, don't really feel like much, I just know that somethings wrong.
First, a quick overview of my life – however melodramatic that sounds – I’ve had a pretty average secondary education, wasn’t bullied much but I was never the most popular kid either. I had one confidence shattering experience where a girl told me to ask her out in front of the class to ‘prove I fancied her’ then said no. Then when we left school, my best friend started seeing a girl I’d fancied for ages, and didn’t tell me – he let me find out by kissing her one day in front of me, and never said a word like sorry. I took it quite badly, and, being a teenager spent 6 months very confused, being best friends one day and having arguments with them both the next. It came to a head when I realised I couldn’t carry on – I didn’t even care about her any more, I just felt betrayed. I decided to bury it, and did – we’re still good friends, although I live somewhere else (at uni in a different city) so I don’t actually talk to them much anymore.
Went to college (incidentally the same girl I just mentioned convinced me to go to a college in town, as opposed to the one down the road, and then dropped out after 6 weeks). I think this was quite a confidence inspiring moment, and I made some very good friends, who I still text weekly, and see regularily when I’m back home. I fancied a few girls while I was at college, but non of them were interested back.
Still with me? Finally, got to university, and made friends pretty quickly, although a common problem of making an awful first impression was beginning to dawn upon me. I’m now in my second year, with more friends around me than ever before.
So, in summary I’ve never had problems making friends. I’ve never had a relationship (although been rejected plenty of times, which is why I’ve given up), but I can cope with it – I’ve had some pretty bad experiences, but nothing awful, and in general, from the outside, I have a good life. I paint a smile on if theres a problem, and I’ve learned to repress everything that bugs me – everyone knows me as the ‘happy one’ which I’m fine with. As part of this, I’ve prepared myself for the fact that its a probablilty that I’ll end up alone, purely based on past experience.
With this in mind, everything was fine until Monday when I met a girl on a night out, who I was being friendly with (she was one of my coursemates friends) who asked me for my number at the end of the night – I got hers, and texted her on Wednesday and she never texted back. I’m really starting to struggle – its like a burst dam, I’ve spent the week painting a smile on my face, pretending I’m absolutely fine, but for the first time in years I was close to crying. On Thursday night, I tried to talk to my housemate about it, and got as far as telling her I was depressed – I never get depressed and she seemed like she wanted to talk, but then she had to leave me to talk to her friend, and spent the rest of the night talking about her own problems with someone else. I also spoke to another of my friends boyfriends – who, when I said I was feeling a bit depressed told me he was too because his friend was found in the Thames this morning.
I know I’m being selfish – I’ve always put other people first, but I’m starting to realise that my coping strategies aren’t working. I realised I’m always the last to find out things, and always via the fact that its become public knowledge before it gets to me. – Everyone in my house seems to talk to each other about serious personal stuff, but they never talk to me about it. I used to think I could handle being lonely for a long time, but I’m not sure I can, and worst of all, I don’t know how to talk to any of the people around me – not that they could make that much of a difference. I guess I hope that posting this, typing it all out in word will help me a bit, and it might in the morning...
If you’ve got this far, thankyou for reading – and if not, thankyou for trying!
OK, so I'm a bit confused at the moment. Don't feel tired, don't really feel like much, I just know that somethings wrong.
First, a quick overview of my life – however melodramatic that sounds – I’ve had a pretty average secondary education, wasn’t bullied much but I was never the most popular kid either. I had one confidence shattering experience where a girl told me to ask her out in front of the class to ‘prove I fancied her’ then said no. Then when we left school, my best friend started seeing a girl I’d fancied for ages, and didn’t tell me – he let me find out by kissing her one day in front of me, and never said a word like sorry. I took it quite badly, and, being a teenager spent 6 months very confused, being best friends one day and having arguments with them both the next. It came to a head when I realised I couldn’t carry on – I didn’t even care about her any more, I just felt betrayed. I decided to bury it, and did – we’re still good friends, although I live somewhere else (at uni in a different city) so I don’t actually talk to them much anymore.
Went to college (incidentally the same girl I just mentioned convinced me to go to a college in town, as opposed to the one down the road, and then dropped out after 6 weeks). I think this was quite a confidence inspiring moment, and I made some very good friends, who I still text weekly, and see regularily when I’m back home. I fancied a few girls while I was at college, but non of them were interested back.
Still with me? Finally, got to university, and made friends pretty quickly, although a common problem of making an awful first impression was beginning to dawn upon me. I’m now in my second year, with more friends around me than ever before.
So, in summary I’ve never had problems making friends. I’ve never had a relationship (although been rejected plenty of times, which is why I’ve given up), but I can cope with it – I’ve had some pretty bad experiences, but nothing awful, and in general, from the outside, I have a good life. I paint a smile on if theres a problem, and I’ve learned to repress everything that bugs me – everyone knows me as the ‘happy one’ which I’m fine with. As part of this, I’ve prepared myself for the fact that its a probablilty that I’ll end up alone, purely based on past experience.
With this in mind, everything was fine until Monday when I met a girl on a night out, who I was being friendly with (she was one of my coursemates friends) who asked me for my number at the end of the night – I got hers, and texted her on Wednesday and she never texted back. I’m really starting to struggle – its like a burst dam, I’ve spent the week painting a smile on my face, pretending I’m absolutely fine, but for the first time in years I was close to crying. On Thursday night, I tried to talk to my housemate about it, and got as far as telling her I was depressed – I never get depressed and she seemed like she wanted to talk, but then she had to leave me to talk to her friend, and spent the rest of the night talking about her own problems with someone else. I also spoke to another of my friends boyfriends – who, when I said I was feeling a bit depressed told me he was too because his friend was found in the Thames this morning.
I know I’m being selfish – I’ve always put other people first, but I’m starting to realise that my coping strategies aren’t working. I realised I’m always the last to find out things, and always via the fact that its become public knowledge before it gets to me. – Everyone in my house seems to talk to each other about serious personal stuff, but they never talk to me about it. I used to think I could handle being lonely for a long time, but I’m not sure I can, and worst of all, I don’t know how to talk to any of the people around me – not that they could make that much of a difference. I guess I hope that posting this, typing it all out in word will help me a bit, and it might in the morning...
If you’ve got this far, thankyou for reading – and if not, thankyou for trying!
Scroll to see replies
Hey,
Your not being selfish, you have realized that your coping skills are under serious strain, that your simply not able to deal with this ****, and that is emotionally mature and aware in itself.
Dont feel bad about feeling bad- certain human needs arent being met; company and meaningful relationships. You need to talk to somebody, a psychologist or other therapist rather than a counsellor preferably (i dont want to offend anyone, but i think counsellors are very good for certain types of problems, like exam pressure, giving up smoking, etc, but damn all use when it comes to stuff thats harder to pin down as such) who can help with the depression
Girls-wise, it really does sound like you had a run of shi*tty luck- but i dont think thats the underlying issue really, its the loneliness and the fear of being alone permanently, when really if you want it, anyone is capable of developing good relationships, even if it takes ages to meet somebody
Your not being selfish, you have realized that your coping skills are under serious strain, that your simply not able to deal with this ****, and that is emotionally mature and aware in itself.
Dont feel bad about feeling bad- certain human needs arent being met; company and meaningful relationships. You need to talk to somebody, a psychologist or other therapist rather than a counsellor preferably (i dont want to offend anyone, but i think counsellors are very good for certain types of problems, like exam pressure, giving up smoking, etc, but damn all use when it comes to stuff thats harder to pin down as such) who can help with the depression
Girls-wise, it really does sound like you had a run of shi*tty luck- but i dont think thats the underlying issue really, its the loneliness and the fear of being alone permanently, when really if you want it, anyone is capable of developing good relationships, even if it takes ages to meet somebody
Just carry on trying, eventually it does get easy being lonely. Then again, I'm not lonely, just alone. Any way I can relate about the being alone and the being the last to find out things, though I can actually cope with them, at least most of the times.
If you can't talk to your housemates and friends about things then talk to us, we're always willing to listen. You could also talk to a councellor, your uni's likely to offer free councelling. It does help, believe me, and many others' will agree with me.
If you can't talk to your housemates and friends about things then talk to us, we're always willing to listen. You could also talk to a councellor, your uni's likely to offer free councelling. It does help, believe me, and many others' will agree with me.
saoirse
You need to talk to somebody, a psychologist or other therapist rather than a counsellor preferably (i dont want to offend anyone, but i think counsellors are very good for certain types of problems, like exam pressure, giving up smoking, etc, but damn all use when it comes to stuff thats harder to pin down as such) who can help with the depression
Thanks, its a lot easier to talk to people over the net. Gives you a bit of time to think what you want to say. The really annoying thing about what happened on Monday is that in itself, it prompted nothing. As far as I was concerned, she was being friendly, for the sake of a good night out. If she hadn't asked for my number everything would have been fine.
That and the fact that my friends wouldn't stop talking about how we were made for each other blah blah when we got back, and shut up the next day.
I was thinking of booking an appointment with the university councelling service - it can't make me feel worse (I hope!). The other thing I'm struggling with is that no-one seems to notice that I'm feeling bad. Maybe I'm just covering it too well, but it'd be nice if they noticed and asked if I was feeling OK.
Thankyou for replying though. Nice to know that even at 3am on a sunday morning, theres someone here to talk to
That and the fact that my friends wouldn't stop talking about how we were made for each other blah blah when we got back, and shut up the next day.
I was thinking of booking an appointment with the university councelling service - it can't make me feel worse (I hope!). The other thing I'm struggling with is that no-one seems to notice that I'm feeling bad. Maybe I'm just covering it too well, but it'd be nice if they noticed and asked if I was feeling OK.
Thankyou for replying though. Nice to know that even at 3am on a sunday morning, theres someone here to talk to
I agree, it's nice to be able to think about how you want to phrase things. I get that sometimes, that whole people not realising you feel bad.
Maybe you should focus on not covering it up. If you are normally known as the person who is all talk and fun and games then maybe you should try to keep quiet, just sit there with an expression on your face. Not a miserable one, but one that conveys that you are thinking. Whenever I do that (or the miserable one) people tend to ask what's wrong. But not so much, as I'm normally the quiet one with a sad expression on his face.
Maybe you should focus on not covering it up. If you are normally known as the person who is all talk and fun and games then maybe you should try to keep quiet, just sit there with an expression on your face. Not a miserable one, but one that conveys that you are thinking. Whenever I do that (or the miserable one) people tend to ask what's wrong. But not so much, as I'm normally the quiet one with a sad expression on his face.
I'm in a similar position, although I'm in sixth form. I've told myself I won't have friends anymore, because I usually end up making mistakes when putting them first etc. Anyway, trust me, it feels so good to be independent. I study alone but in lessons I can generally have a laugh with everyone. I go to the gym three times a week. I get all my forms n shh filled out on time, and basically everything is kept up to date without having friendships to think about. The reason I don't keep any anymore is because I've had some bad experiences in the past, and have learnt that I have to be selfish to get my way through school successfully. Anyway my point is, I do get lonely sometimes, but I get over it. The only people I care about anymore are my family, 1 or 2 people in my class who come to the gym with me and have a laugh with me, and some of my childhood mates that I don't see much. To be honest, I prefer it. I used to know everybody and that got me nowhere, instead I did so badly education-wise because of it. Putting myself first is definitely got me back on track! So my advice is show everyone you can be independent, and don't show them that you're needy, and soon you'll feel that you don't need them anyway (but do keep a few people close just in case!).
Well I went for a walk today, down by the seafront to try and clear my head a bit. I asked one of my friends to find out if the girl I met on Monday had said anything about it, and he texted to say that it was bad news on the surface (which I guess means that she's not interested in me, but I'm funny/sweet/cute/whatever - undateable basically - which is no real surprise, thats the same rejection I've had a million times).
I've emailed our counselling service to ask them for an appointment, so hopefully they'll get back soon - at the very least, they might be able to help me rebuild my defenses.
Thanks for the replies, and I'll let you know how things go...
I've emailed our counselling service to ask them for an appointment, so hopefully they'll get back soon - at the very least, they might be able to help me rebuild my defenses.
Thanks for the replies, and I'll let you know how things go...
saoirse
Hey,
Your not being selfish, you have realized that your coping skills are under serious strain, that your simply not able to deal with this ****, and that is emotionally mature and aware in itself.
Dont feel bad about feeling bad- certain human needs arent being met; company and meaningful relationships. You need to talk to somebody, a psychologist or other therapist rather than a counsellor preferably (i dont want to offend anyone, but i think counsellors are very good for certain types of problems, like exam pressure, giving up smoking, etc, but damn all use when it comes to stuff thats harder to pin down as such) who can help with the depression
Girls-wise, it really does sound like you had a run of shi*tty luck- but i dont think thats the underlying issue really, its the loneliness and the fear of being alone permanently, when really if you want it, anyone is capable of developing good relationships, even if it takes ages to meet somebody
Your not being selfish, you have realized that your coping skills are under serious strain, that your simply not able to deal with this ****, and that is emotionally mature and aware in itself.
Dont feel bad about feeling bad- certain human needs arent being met; company and meaningful relationships. You need to talk to somebody, a psychologist or other therapist rather than a counsellor preferably (i dont want to offend anyone, but i think counsellors are very good for certain types of problems, like exam pressure, giving up smoking, etc, but damn all use when it comes to stuff thats harder to pin down as such) who can help with the depression
Girls-wise, it really does sound like you had a run of shi*tty luck- but i dont think thats the underlying issue really, its the loneliness and the fear of being alone permanently, when really if you want it, anyone is capable of developing good relationships, even if it takes ages to meet somebody
I agree entirely, and you sound like a really nice guy. Things'll perk up for you i promise.
Meeting people, especially potential romances, is tricky business sometimes, but good things come along eventually. I know that probably doesn't sound like what you want to hear right now, but I found someone (who since turned out to be the love of my life) when I wasn't even looking for anyone anymore.
I'd say try to talk to your friends again, its sounds like you just caught them on busy days, unfortunately people often need help at the same time and i know its frustrating because all you want to do is talk about your own problems, but stick with it. I'm sure they'll be interested in hearing your worries, most people are clever enough to know that everyone have feelings and that you'd be no exception. They'd probably like to see you open up to them too, if you've helped them so much in the past, i'm sure they'd do the same back, I know i'd feel that way.
Do you only feel sad when it comes to girls rejecting you or do you feel down all the time, or easily at other small things?
If it's just the girls problem I would suggest just making yourself very busy - involve yourself in lots of activities that enhance your life and your CV like volunteering, go out plenty and have loads of fun. Having a girlfriend isn't the be all and end all at all, especially at uni where relationships chop and change all the time. You'll probably find that you'll meet lots of people through your business that suddenly you'll find that there is a girl around who would like you as more than a friend.
If it's just the girls problem I would suggest just making yourself very busy - involve yourself in lots of activities that enhance your life and your CV like volunteering, go out plenty and have loads of fun. Having a girlfriend isn't the be all and end all at all, especially at uni where relationships chop and change all the time. You'll probably find that you'll meet lots of people through your business that suddenly you'll find that there is a girl around who would like you as more than a friend.
Anonymous
Well I went for a walk today, down by the seafront to try and clear my head a bit. I asked one of my friends to find out if the girl I met on Monday had said anything about it, and he texted to say that it was bad news on the surface (which I guess means that she's not interested in me, but I'm funny/sweet/cute/whatever - undateable basically - which is no real surprise, thats the same rejection I've had a million times).
I've emailed our counselling service to ask them for an appointment, so hopefully they'll get back soon - at the very least, they might be able to help me rebuild my defenses.
Thanks for the replies, and I'll let you know how things go...
I've emailed our counselling service to ask them for an appointment, so hopefully they'll get back soon - at the very least, they might be able to help me rebuild my defenses.
Thanks for the replies, and I'll let you know how things go...
Word of warning, you might be in for a long wait. Took 7 weeks to get an appointment with my uni counselling service. Perhaps there are just lots of nutcases here though. If you can afford it, just go private or get on the NHS waiting list too and see which comes first.
Thats the thing though - I've not being looking, I've been going about my business and been perfectly content with the circle of friends I have - non of them are 'best friends' but I have enough of them around me.
I'm used to not looking, and I was genuinely happy this time last week, with very few worries. I'm just struggling to get back to that place
I'm used to not looking, and I was genuinely happy this time last week, with very few worries. I'm just struggling to get back to that place
Geogger
Run away and play, little boy!
Oh please old woman. ARe you naked on your profile pic? Jesus.
tazmanmaniac
Oh please old woman. ARe you naked on your profile pic? Jesus.
matt@internet
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!! Not good, NOT GOOD!!!
Little Boy, Old Woman, same thing, if she can't handle the banter she shouldn't start it.
PS Keep the warning points below 8 please I can't be doing with a banning.
tazmanmaniac
Little Boy, Old Woman, same thing, if she can't handle the banter she shouldn't start it.
matt@internet
Whut? I'm just sayin' I saw her profile pic and that was my response.
Oh right I thought you were diapproving of my attitude towards a member of staff
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