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Feeling unloved and lonely in a relationship

After getting in from a night out yesterday he started arguing and said I was negative and no one liked me and without him I'd be on my own crying. He swiped the drinks off a table at home and they hit me, soaking my new jacket. He says he never meant any of it, it was the drink and I'm just being stubborn. We've been seeing each other for 14 months and I feel like he's with me because people say he's landed on his feet and not because he genuinely cares, even though he says he does. I have low self esteem and don't know if I'm just pushing him away or this isn't going to work. There's so much going on, but when I'm low or upset like I am now over this he doesn't want to know.

Reply 1

Spongebob'sPants

He sounds like a keeper...

I'm not sure what you're asking for here?

He sounds destructive and aggressive to be honest.

Reply 2

RedPearl

I know, I didn't phrase my thread very well. I just needed to be able to
tell someone, anyone, because I'm dealing with this on my own. He's just been moping around and feeling sorry for himself. I wanted a hug so bad but he's not bothered and when I said before he should've at least put his arm around me he said I should've asked. Asked for a hug. I know this is all wrong but I can't leave this relationship for some reason...

Reply 3

marythestudent

Are you financially connected to him?

Reply 4

tg0896

If you are contemplating whether you want to be with this person in the first place, then maybe you two shouldn't be together. A relationship is where two people grow together, support each other, love each other etc. "said I was negative and no one liked me and without him I'd be on my own crying." He sounds very manipulative and he knows you will believe it because you have low self esteem. He doesn't sound like a nice chap. Get out while you can. You don't need manipulation in your life. Hope everything works out well x

Reply 5

Sb0245

I've been at a point in my relationship like this as well. I couldn't bring myself to leave him either so I knew I needed to do something so I spoke to him about how I felt and at first he thought I was just attention seeking and he didn't understand but when he could see I was being genuine he slowly understood what I needed from him and he began to change and treat me how I deserve. But really and truly their true personality never goes, there's still times when my boyfriend goes back to his old ways and I'll end up down again but it's just a matter of are you willing to deal with that roller coaster you will definitely go through

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Reply 6

hannahhaworth

If everything other than that night is ok (as in no abusive behaviour - table swiping is abusive) then speak to him. if he's like this regularly then that **** isn't worth your time. If it was a one night thing, tell him he scared you and that if he does it again he's out. Then you've set your own standards. Stick to them. r

Reply 7

RedPearl

I'm financially independent.

We row a lot and he has punched a hole in the bathroom door when he tried to kick it down when I took his phone in there.

I think, maybe he's right and people don't like me? I could be a pain to live with and he's coping quite well considering? Swiping drinks and punching a hole in the bathroom haven't just come out of nowhere, it's after protracted arguments, so I don't want to make him out to be an absolute hothead.

He doesn't console me and I don't know if it's because he's ex-military, doesn't love me or has difficulties with that. But telling me I should ask for a hug when upset is alien to me.

Reply 8

hannahhaworth

You don't need this. Stop making excuses for him. LEAVE

Reply 9

afroasiaweek

When indecision creeps in within your relationship, it can mess things up for you.

Not all decisions can be instant. But you need to decide. The best decisions are those you make yourself, with your own mind and using all reference points you can that are sound and valid.

Firstly, you do not need anyone to make you feel loved, wanted or happy. It is not anyone's responsibility to do those things for you even if you are married or a siamese twin.

Secondly, if a man hits you, it is highly likely he will do it again to you or someone else except if he sees and bears the consequences.

One such consequence is to utilise your space wisely.

If you are roped in a flatshare or homeshare, use your room, or move into one room in the house and leave him in the other.

It gives enough distance to make a point and achieve safety while allowing the man room to consider his next steps carefully.

Any man who tells you that you cannot survive without their presence needs to frankly be given a long bit of distance.

Your destiny does not lie in the hands of any man.

Self esteem is the way you perceive yourself, and to start with the key to finding that inner peace is to take some time out.

Go home for a weekend or go to a relative you feel comfortable with or a friend.

The fact that you mention the word "people" in your post means you know other people apart from this man.

So you need to use your friend support network for a while

When you find your alone time, don't spend it telling anyone all about what happened, who did what , why when where..... our friends are lovely as rocks of support but not trained therapists. So although we do not notice or realise it, sometimes we actually end up repeating the same tale of woe with new added memories which can become overwhelming for any friend.

Good friends will give you time out to just be

Write down how you feel, how he makes you feel and how you want to feel

Find 50 reasons/things he does, meaningful things that make him a good person to have in your life and write them down

Write down all the things he does that make you feel bad

If the bad things have the word hit, slapped, kicked, insulted, abused, threatened, drunk, criminal etc in them more than 10 times

Then..... as difficult as it may be and young that you may be as i perceive it,....it is time to move on.

There are so many men out there

But from what you say, it seems you need a break... some time to rediscover and find yourself and to really define yourself and develop your inner self.

it involves learning to be unafraid of your own company and learning to appreciate the body you were born with, and of course appreciating yourself.

Relationships are not easy, but bad relationships are like entering a demolition derby on a bicycle, you'll fall off and get hurt badly. Simple