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The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

How 'normal' is it to not remember the last time you had sex?

I know its obviously not going to be as regular as a standard relationship, but we saw each other generally every fortnight, and we've been back home for nearly two weeks. I genuine can't remember how long its been, neither can he, but its been about 8 weeks. We sleep together a lot, and it's not like we don't do anything at all, but I miss the intimacy that comes from full sex too.

Sex isn't a huge dealbreaker, I'm in no way saying I'd consider splitting over it (if all of a sudden he wanted to wait til marriage, I really wouldn't care!) but I have no clue what's going on! It can't be a physical problem, and I know I'm still attractive to him in that way as that's pretty obvious from just cuddling generally :colondollar:

We've talked a little, but I'm not really sure what the reason behind this 'dry spell' is. I don't want to initiate in case he says no (I really don't know if I'd be able to take that - normally I'd have no problem, but its been too long) and I definitely don't want him to feel pressured.

Reply 9981

milly1122

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have our own apartment together but I'm moving to go to university in September and just worried about the impact it will have on the relationship. He is 10 years older than me so already experienced the things I am now and he is just being argumentative about me going even though it's only 50 miles away. Any suggestions on what I can do to sort his attitude out? X

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Reply 9982

Anonymous #518

Original post by milly1122

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have our own apartment together but I'm moving to go to university in September and just worried about the impact it will have on the relationship. He is 10 years older than me so already experienced the things I am now and he is just being argumentative about me going even though it's only 50 miles away. Any suggestions on what I can do to sort his attitude out? X

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How old are the both of you?

Reply 9983

Anonymous #518

Original post by Anonymous

How 'normal' is it to not remember the last time you had sex?

I know its obviously not going to be as regular as a standard relationship, but we saw each other generally every fortnight, and we've been back home for nearly two weeks. I genuine can't remember how long its been, neither can he, but its been about 8 weeks. We sleep together a lot, and it's not like we don't do anything at all, but I miss the intimacy that comes from full sex too.

Sex isn't a huge dealbreaker, I'm in no way saying I'd consider splitting over it (if all of a sudden he wanted to wait til marriage, I really wouldn't care!) but I have no clue what's going on! It can't be a physical problem, and I know I'm still attractive to him in that way as that's pretty obvious from just cuddling generally :colondollar:

We've talked a little, but I'm not really sure what the reason behind this 'dry spell' is. I don't want to initiate in case he says no (I really don't know if I'd be able to take that - normally I'd have no problem, but its been too long) and I definitely don't want him to feel pressured.

So you mean the last few times you saw each other whilst still LD you didn't have sex and you haven't since both being back in the same place? Have you both been stressed due to exams or anything? Have either of you initiated at all or have neither of you initiated at all in that time? I haven't experienced this in my relationship at all yet (both of our sex drives are pretty high and especially when we're together :colondollar:

) but it could definitely be classed as 'normal' depending on the circumstances.

Reply 9984

Anonymous #518

Original post by Anonymous

Hey, may I ask how long you were together before you got into an LDR?? If at all? And how long have you been long distance? And I wish you good luck too, I hope it works out for you both :smile:

And as a general question to everyone, what's the longest time you know of that a long distance relationship has worked for?? I'm sure it's difficult, but are there any inspirational success stories? :biggrin:

We'd been together almost a year when we went long distance. And been long distance about 10 or so months. Thanks. :smile:

The longest I've known of is about 3-4 years? And still going.

Reply 9985

username47781

20

Original post by milly1122

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have our own apartment together but I'm moving to go to university in September and just worried about the impact it will have on the relationship. He is 10 years older than me so already experienced the things I am now and he is just being argumentative about me going even though it's only 50 miles away. Any suggestions on what I can do to sort his attitude out? X

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Sometimes you gotta be selfish and do what is best for you, if he really loves you then he will support you.

Reply 9986

milly1122

Original post by Anonymous

How old are the both of you?

I'm 20 and he's 29

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Reply 9987

milly1122

Original post by Rock Fan

Sometimes you gotta be selfish and do what is best for you, if he really loves you then he will support you.

Exactly! That's why I accepted my place even though he didn't want me to. Just sick of the arguments.

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Reply 9988

Anonymous #518

Original post by milly1122

I'm 20 and he's 29

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Oh okay. I guess he just has to accept that you need to do this for yourself, and your future. If he went to university himself as well he should surely understand and be able to accept it. Even if he's finding it hard he should realise that complaining about it etc is just making it harder for you as well. The best thing to do is to be as positive about it as possible as negativity just makes everything so much worse/harder.

Reply 9989

Anonymous #471

Original post by Anonymous

So you mean the last few times you saw each other whilst still LD you didn't have sex and you haven't since both being back in the same place? Have you both been stressed due to exams or anything? Have either of you initiated at all or have neither of you initiated at all in that time? I haven't experienced this in my relationship at all yet (both of our sex drives are pretty high and especially when we're together :colondollar:

) but it could definitely be classed as 'normal' depending on the circumstances.

At least the last 3 visits whilst LD we didn't, and we've been back a week without. In all of those visits/weeks we've done other stuff, and generally that will just naturally lead on to it. So whilst neither of us have initiated actual sex, we've both started other things so it just isn't going any further. If that makes sense?!
I was very stressed during my exams, but would have welcomed the distraction :tongue:

We both have high sex drives, and it still feels like it did when we first got together - its just like that in fact (we'll do everything but sex). We never were *that* active in terms of full sex - a couple of times a week at most, but I genuinely can't remember the last time!

There are a few tiny things I've thought of that could be affected it - but I thought we'd talked about them pretty well. The biggest reason I've come up with is that a couple we're friendly with are expecting their baby soon. It was completely unplanned, with contraception failing, and I think thats freaked him out. Not sure how to get round it though!

Like I said, its not a dealbreaker, I just needed to get it off my chest! I don't want to whine too much at him, cos the last thing he'll need is pressure, and although we have talked about it I needed another viewpoint. It's really not normal for us, but we're so happy in every other way :s-smilie:

Reply 9990

Anonymous #517

Original post by katehlouise

I know it probably feels like the other side of the country, but I moved 2 hours away and it can work! You'll both be busy, but you should be able to find reasonably priced journeys to either place. LDRs can definitely work, as shown on this thread, so just try to think of the positives!

I find it helps to just remind myself that after these three years at university (now two!) we will have the rest of our lives to spend together. These years seem like a lot now, but at the end of the day, they are just a small time in comparison!

Thanks for your reply, it really does help. I think it's just made all the more hard because he is going to be so busy in his final year of medicine.

I think it's also really hard because I do have the offer of a partial scholarship to do a masters in Nottingham but I feel it would be really unwise to take the masters when I've been offered a good graduate job and worry I might just be doing it for the wrong reasons :/

Man life is cruel sometimes. I've been walking around like a zombie since I found out.

Reply 9991

Anonymous #554

Hey,
This may sound trivial but I just need to get it off my chest. My boyfriend went away on a "lads holiday" yesterday and won't be back until next week, at which point I'll be going to his house for a few weeks. We've texted a couple of times but I really do miss him, and can't stop thinking about him every second of the day. I don't really know what to do to distract myself because I've never missed someone this much before, and I don't want to spend my week moping around because I know he'll be back before I know it and we'll have a fantastic summer. Any suggestions? :confused:

Reply 9992

CherryCherryBoomBoom

21

Skyping my boyfriend is great, but my god it is agony to see him but not be able to touch him. Fuuuuuuuuu.....

Does being in love tend to make the distance much harder than not being in love? I've only known him for nearly 4 months, and we've been together for about 3 months now, but our relationship has been quite intense and I feel like I might be falling in love with him. I'm not 100% sure yet though (I've never been in love before) and I don't want to say anything till I am sure, so will definitely at least wait until the next time I meet him in person to confirm how I really feel. I'm even considering relocation 400 miles within the next few months just to be nearer to him, and I know I wouldn't bother doing that for someone I wasn't very interested in. Wow, mixed emotions much! :blush:

Reply 9993

CherryCherryBoomBoom

21

Is it possible to moan too much to your partner about how much you miss them?

I feel tempted to send a midnight text to my boyfriend about how I can't stand being so far and having to spend another night without him, but he's already heard how much I miss him and I dunno how much more I can keep going on about it before it becomes less sweet/caring and more irritable/worrying to him, lol. It's rather annoying how both happy and sad, up and down this relationship makes me feel, it's so difficult :frown:

Reply 9994

BlueSheep32

11

Original post by CherryCherryBoomBoom

Skyping my boyfriend is great, but my god it is agony to see him but not be able to touch him. Fuuuuuuuuu.....

Does being in love tend to make the distance much harder than not being in love? I've only known him for nearly 4 months, and we've been together for about 3 months now, but our relationship has been quite intense and I feel like I might be falling in love with him. I'm not 100% sure yet though (I've never been in love before) and I don't want to say anything till I am sure, so will definitely at least wait until the next time I meet him in person to confirm how I really feel. I'm even considering relocation 400 miles within the next few months just to be nearer to him, and I know I wouldn't bother doing that for someone I wasn't very interested in. Wow, mixed emotions much! :blush:

It depends really. I met my boyfriend a few weeks into uni, and we'd been together about a month and a half before we had to spend a month apart over Christmas. I missed him during that time, more than I thought I would, but I could deal with it. But when we got back after Christmas, things got quite intense quite quickly and I fell deeply in love with him. After that, I found spending anymore time than a day apart horrible and when it came to Easter, even though we'd arranged to see each other and would only be apart for 2 and a half weeks this time, I found it so much harder. I wasn't in a great place mentally and that probably didn't help, but all the same I hated being away from him to a point where I was just miserable a lot of the time when we weren't together over the holidays. I missed him so much it was like a physical ache and it was awful. And I've never had to go months without seeing him so I can't imagine how I'd deal with that!

I think now we've been together a lot longer (nearly 21 months now) and I've dealt with my mental health problems, I'm finding that I can deal with being away from him a lot better. I think it's got to a point where I've got to used to him not being around when I'm at home, and I look forward to the next time I'm seeing him rather than thinking about how much I miss him. I still miss him an awful lot, but it's easier to deal with.

If you've never been in love before then I wouldn't rush into anything yet, but I will say that when you've properly fallen in love with someone, you just know it, and that's the right time to tell them. Good luck :smile:

Reply 9995

68beats

6

Original post by CherryCherryBoomBoom

Is it possible to moan too much to your partner about how much you miss them?

I feel tempted to send a midnight text to my boyfriend about how I can't stand being so far and having to spend another night without him, but he's already heard how much I miss him and I dunno how much more I can keep going on about it before it becomes less sweet/caring and more irritable/worrying to him, lol. It's rather annoying how both happy and sad, up and down this relationship makes me feel, it's so difficult :frown:

Yes, it is possible! I can tell you for sure because I went to a very possible phase. My suggestion is that if you are overstepping any normal boundaries, you should get your act together before you start looking too needed. Because the last thing you want to do is make yourself and him miserable by all of the unnecessary drama. I bet he feels the same way you do, so keeping the relationship fresh and healthy is important for its' success.

Reply 9996

68beats

6

Original post by Anonymous

Hey,
This may sound trivial but I just need to get it off my chest. My boyfriend went away on a "lads holiday" yesterday and won't be back until next week, at which point I'll be going to his house for a few weeks. We've texted a couple of times but I really do miss him, and can't stop thinking about him every second of the day. I don't really know what to do to distract myself because I've never missed someone this much before, and I don't want to spend my week moping around because I know he'll be back before I know it and we'll have a fantastic summer. Any suggestions? :confused:

Just relax, let him have a wonderful holiday and do your own thing in the mean time. Go out with your friends, occupy yourself and have a good time. Remember that he is not the magical source of your happiness. If you want to spice things up, text him a playful picture of yourself and don't let your clinginess show. Trust me, it's not attractive.
Good luck! :smile:

Reply 9997

CherryCherryBoomBoom

21

Original post by BlueSheep32

....
Good luck :smile:

Thanks for the reply. I've been having some mental health problems too, though I've also been struggling with getting proper help for it, but I guess that's a seperate issue I'll need to somehow sort out eventually. And I assume depression must make it feel that much worse coping with missing your partner than not being depressed. I haven't even told my boyfriend the full extent of my issues and I'm not really sure how to. But I suppose it's all a learning curve and hopefully I'll get the hang of this stuff in time.

Original post by 68beats

Yes, it is possible! I can tell you for sure because I went to a very possible phase. My suggestion is that if you are overstepping any normal boundaries, you should get your act together before you start looking too needed. Because the last thing you want to do is make yourself and him miserable by all of the unnecessary drama. I bet he feels the same way you do, so keeping the relationship fresh and healthy is important for its' success.

Yeah, you're right. I decided not to send that text in the end, and that maybe it's best I keep some of my worries to myself or share them with someone else other than my boyfriend.

Reply 9998

sodalemon

Original post by Anonymous

does anybody else sometimes feel like they wish they had never bothered with the relationship?

Sometimes, when I feel it's going nowhere. When the future seems the darkest...

But then I remember that a person that I fit so well with like my partner, doesn't come around every other day. And it's worth striving for.

Even if he's a moron sometimes.

Reply 9999

Anonymous #555

I don't know what to do anymore, i've been in a LDR for two months now and I've seen him once in that time, everytime I try to organise to see him she makes some excuse. He said he can't come and see me because of issues at home, so I said I'd come and see him and he said that she'd rather me not cause he'll miss me more when I leave. It's like he doesn't want to see me, so I've stopped bringing it up and he says things like "wish you were here" etc and It's winding me up because he can't not want me there and then say things like this.

any advice?

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