English language paper 1 question 5

I've written a draft for my description and was hoping to get some feedback as my teacher is busy and my exam is in three days. Any feedback from students, teachers or anyone else would be much appreciated ! Or even just how many mark out of 40 this would get.

The dawn was long gone and the dusk had approached. Swarms of glistening stars intermixed with the prism of light in a symphony of colours. A luminescent sphere put me in a deep somber I could not awaken from and everything was terrifying yet beautiful in itself. I was able to conjure abstract images in my mind as a livid light cast silent hues creating a shadow dappled trail. An eerie phenomenon was upon the night. Lines of autumnal leave pirouetted in the serene sky as the sunset bled into an anticipated darkness that would eventually swallow me whole. While treading below the sea above me, the mumin air surrounding me collected itself to form icy beads that clung to my earlobes and the unseen winds gently ran over my cheek with its soft fingers.

I happened to stumble upon a gate which was welcoming despite its tallness that imposed on my beating heart in its bloody cage. Its staggering height loomed over my head and swayed with the rhythm of the wind as not a lock nor hinge was in sight . I noticed the intricate design of the ductile lengths of iron intertwined, perhaps one could say it was heaven spun. Russet highlights came to life in between the gritty texture of the obsidian and perfectly prominent spears that savagely dominated the scene like a noble soldier. However it still seemed that a step forward would warp all of space and time. It was as if my mind had dissociated itself from reality and wanted to escape to a place where the deadly sins had become their virtues.

In comparison, the pale beauty of the cobblestone arc curved around the gates was monumental; the arch had been smoothed by an angel and was almost synthetic. It was an unnaturally rounded crescent of mosaic stone. A quaint and unpaved road led up to this granite marvel hidden in plain sight whilst it had still been undefeated for generations. Barbaric chains of nettles clambered onto the sides and between crevices. I would imagine in the day they were deeply reflective of the greenest rays. They flowed in the direction of the wind daring to wound those brave enough to make way through the masterpiece it had mounted. The arcs' keystone was the segment wedged into place allowing the structure to bear its weight. This portal woven into our realm stood at a terrifying height as it called me to join the living souls, who had once been in my position, just beyond the transdimensional veil to the other side. It was a ghastly decision and I was at a crossroads, but perhaps it could be a scapegoat away from the real world.

Could I risk it all?

Reply 1

nerd-alert

5

Hi! I'm going to explain how this question would be marked and how you could improve, however, I am horrible at actually marking work so I cant give you a score. Hope it helps any way.

Section B awards 24 marks for content and organisation as well as 16 marks for technical accuracy.

content and organisation is to communicate clearly, effectively, and imaginatively, selecting and adapting tone, style and register for different forms, purposes and audiences: organise information and ideas, using structural and grammatical features to support coherence and cohesion of texts. Technical accuracy is vocab, structures, clarity, purpose, effect and all that jazz. This means that you need to use a range of punctuation, sentence structures and starters, techniques, SPaG, concise and fluid paragraphs, zooming in and out, varied paragraph lengths.

Straight of the bat, without even reading it, I have notice you have not used a range of punctuation (commas, capitals, and full stops don't count!) try adding in dashes, colons, semi colons, ellipsis. You also do not have a range of sentence structure's, try adding in some simple and short sentences. You could also add time markers in (or cleverly use punctuation to imitate the passing of time, ellipsis to slow the passage of time down or short and simple sentences to speed it up). A lot of your sentences start with worlds like 'the', 'an', 'I', and 'its' , you could vary this up by rearranging your clauses to make your sentences start with -ed or -ing (I cant think of the correct terminology for them sorry!) words.

Overall, I think your descriptive writing is ace and would get a high mark without too much editing. :smile:

Hope this helped!

Reply 2

elmgreeno

OP

3

Original post by nerd-alert

Hi! I'm going to explain how this question would be marked and how you could improve, however, I am horrible at actually marking work so I cant give you a score. Hope it helps any way.

Section B awards 24 marks for content and organisation as well as 16 marks for technical accuracy.

content and organisation is to communicate clearly, effectively, and imaginatively, selecting and adapting tone, style and register for different forms, purposes and audiences: organise information and ideas, using structural and grammatical features to support coherence and cohesion of texts. Technical accuracy is vocab, structures, clarity, purpose, effect and all that jazz. This means that you need to use a range of punctuation, sentence structures and starters, techniques, SPaG, concise and fluid paragraphs, zooming in and out, varied paragraph lengths.

Straight of the bat, without even reading it, I have notice you have not used a range of punctuation (commas, capitals, and full stops don't count!) try adding in dashes, colons, semi colons, ellipsis. You also do not have a range of sentence structure's, try adding in some simple and short sentences. You could also add time markers in (or cleverly use punctuation to imitate the passing of time, ellipsis to slow the passage of time down or short and simple sentences to speed it up). A lot of your sentences start with worlds like 'the', 'an', 'I', and 'its' , you could vary this up by rearranging your clauses to make your sentences start with -ed or -ing (I cant think of the correct terminology for them sorry!) words.

Overall, I think your descriptive writing is ace and would get a high mark without too much editing. :smile:

Hope this helped!

Thanks! I did realise the lack of punctuation and the sentence starters were a bit bland to say they least, i'll be sure to take your advice on board in my redraft. :smile:

Reply 3

Chugawaa

2

I have a question, can I send you my creative writing on private message ?

Reply 4

Chloe.W15

1

I am really stuck, I have already sat my English Language already. However, I have currently found out that I failed my English and now need someone to help me with points, techniques or anything that would help me to pass English language this time.

English language paper 1 question 5

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