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Is this good for my end of year 9 assessment?

Ik I'm not in GCSE's yet but i think its best to post here so i get better advice
Idk what sort of question this is ngl but it is 40 marks and the question is 'Pets are treated either too well or too cruelly'
I want advice on methods i can use and technical accuracy and things like that, my test is in a week and this is what I've practised

Could you imagine the helpless cries of your pet suffering due to animal cruelty? Or could you imagine the guilt you would feel looking at your innocent puppy’s glossy eyes while you force him into a tight small cage where there is no room to play, run around or be its normal lively self? But I bet you could imagine putting your sweet little dog into a cage for the night so it is ‘safe’ and ‘secure’ or so it doesn't mess up the house (which is clearly a lack of training) You probably didn’t realise that is animal cruelty, did you? Even though animals are loved and adored, there are over 115 million pets around the globe that are abused in any way, shape or form. In this article I will be giving the facts and figures on whether animals are treated too well or too cruelly, as well as giving my opinion of the matter.

There are many factors to how and why pets are abused; Exploitation, environmental, treatment and over-breading. Most cases are from people who don't even realise it and thats why we need to bring awareness. An example of animal exploitation is by posting your pet on social media faking that they have an injury or a serious illness, and that the owner cannot afford treatment. The text in the video would be in the perspective of the animal, making the viewer feel bad by making it sound something along the lines of ‘Help me please, I am an innocent dog who has a broken leg and my owner cannot afford surgery, click the link to her paypal so I can get better.’ Even if the pet has truly got an injury, it is still animal exploitation. Another form of animal cruelty is their environment. Some people put their parrots in small cages, so they can't fly away, however birds naturally fly all over the place and love to explore the world around them and putting them in a cage takes that right away from them. Imagine the deafening screams of your parrot trying to escape because it cannot handle the claustrophobia. I don't think birds should be kept as pets at all.

In spite of all the points above, over 75% of pets in the uk are treated well, with love and kindness. It is in a human's nature to adore animals and to have an easy companionship with them, leading to trust and loyalty on the pets behalf. If dogs are trained more they will be happier and more secure, knowing what to do if there is danger or a threat around. Furthermore, animals are treated well if they are used for therapy or to help with someone's mental wellbeing. This is because the person will gain an attachment to the animal and that means they will be alert to any of its wants and needs and the pet will be really well cared for. In addition to the previous points, pets can bring families together and make them happier meaning the pet will receive better treatment and be more loved. An example of this is if some siblings are arguing a lot, the parents might find a solution of getting a cat or dog and all the children will be so focused of playing with the dog they will forget about all their conflicts and reunite, so the pet can feel happy and safe around them, which leads to the pet being happy with loving owners.

To conclude the opposing arguments, I think pets are treated too cruelly because there are far more points to the negatives than the positives. Another example of animal cruelty is over-breeding because the animal will feel extreme pain and discomfort throughout the process and it can cause infections and diseases.

I really want a good mark so i can stay in set 2 for year 10 because this year i have been getting bad grades and my teacher said sets are everything for your GCSE's and can determine how well you do.

Reply 1

Jasmin08

Hi,
From what I can see this is Q5 in English Language Paper 2. It is worth 40 marks, 24 for content and organisation and 16 for technical accuracy.
You can go to page 14 of the link below to try to mark it.
docs.google.com/presentation/d/17DYlXXsHpXO7_hmCZa7hLs8HOSbJEA9Rr4RB8udgkLo/edit#slide=id.p
Feedback I would give you:
- Focus on one aspect of animal cruelty be it environmental, exploitation, over-breading or something else
- The reader already knows that 'In this article I will be giving the facts and figures on whether animals are treated too well or too cruelly, as well as giving my opinion of the matter.'
- Do not include an example in the conclusion just sum up your essay
- Recommendation: our teacher in set 1 teaches us the structure
· What: the issue
· But: counter arguments using the wording 'some may argue' to show that you do not agree
· So: solution for the problem
· Conclusion: sum up your essay
- Use a range of devices:
D - direct address
A - alliteration
F - facts
O - opinion
R - rhetorical question
E - emotive language
S - statistics
T - three (rule of three)
- I would give you a grade 6 but do not worry as much because you got 2 years to improve
Bye, hope this was helpful and good luck on your test :smile: