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should i pay for the first date if i asked him out?

What are the societal expectations for who covers the bill on the first date? I'm a girl and asked a boy out for a date. Nothing expensive so I don't mind paying for the whole thing but it feels a bit weird just because I've never heard of any of my female friends doing that. I don't wanna come across as desperate or uninterested. Ideally I just want to split the bill, if that's acceptable? But I did ask him out first...

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Original post by Anonymous #1
What are the societal expectations for who covers the bill on the first date? I'm a girl and asked a boy out for a date. Nothing expensive so I don't mind paying for the whole thing but it feels a bit weird just because I've never heard of any of my female friends doing that. I don't wanna come across as desperate or uninterested. Ideally I just want to split the bill, if that's acceptable? But I did ask him out first...
The traditional expectation is the man pays the bill. However, modern methods suggest that the person who asked the other out should cover the bill

I would suggest that you offer to split the bill to avoid making him feel like a b.

Also, tell him how much you enjoyed spending time with him at the end, if he is a decent lad, he would appreciate it.

Good luck
Yes, come prepared to pay for both of you.

"Asker pays" applies regardless of biological sex and sexual orientation.
If he offers to split the bill, consider compromising if you want to meetup again.
If he wants to pay the whole bill, go with your gut instinct.

Good luck!
Original post by Anonymous #1
What are the societal expectations for who covers the bill on the first date? I'm a girl and asked a boy out for a date. Nothing expensive so I don't mind paying for the whole thing but it feels a bit weird just because I've never heard of any of my female friends doing that. I don't wanna come across as desperate or uninterested. Ideally I just want to split the bill, if that's acceptable? But I did ask him out first...

He should be a gentleman and he should pay otherwise nothing wrong with splitting it apart
Reply 4
You asked, so be prepared to pay the whole bill, but accept if he offers something towards it. My (now) boyfriend paid for the first date at a restaurant of his choice and wouldn't share the bill, we alternated paying for a few more outings, then would split.

Worry about it further down the line if he doesn't reciprocate.
Reply 5
Say you’d like to pay. Romance is about little gifts to each other and splitting the bill isn’t the best for that. Or you pay for one thing on the date and he pays for another. If he really wants to pay on the first date you could also let him
I think as you asked, you should expect to pay (but I would hope he would at least offer to pay part). However, I think it’s good to alternate paying, so if you pay for this one, he should then step up and pay for the next one. Shouldn’t all be on one person.
The person why asked should be prepared to pay for it, but in many cases you'd end up splitting it in some way - like if someone treated me to dinner I might how out of my way to pay for the movie/taxi etc
Original post by User_name001
He should be a gentleman and he should pay otherwise nothing wrong with splitting it apart

The idea of that being how a gentleman should behave is pretty out of date and kinda sexist. Like if I invited someone on a date and they tried to pay for it all I'd find it a bit awkward.
Original post by StriderHort
The idea of that being how a gentleman should behave is pretty out of date and kinda sexist. Like if I invited someone on a date and they tried to pay for it all I'd find it a bit awkward.

How’s it sexist.. and I don’t think you read it at all the gentlemanly thing is to offer to pay otherwise there’s nothing wrong going 50/50 or the OP paying for it at all…nothing awkward about it either…
Original post by Anonymous #1
What are the societal expectations for who covers the bill on the first date? I'm a girl and asked a boy out for a date. Nothing expensive so I don't mind paying for the whole thing but it feels a bit weird just because I've never heard of any of my female friends doing that. I don't wanna come across as desperate or uninterested. Ideally I just want to split the bill, if that's acceptable? But I did ask him out first...
Hi there
I believe we are in the era of equality now.
Women work as much as men, and even out earn men.
So a woman, WHO ASKED a man out, should be ready to pay for both. The same is expected from men when the roles are reversed.

But, because yes there is but.
Do you actually know what type of man he is?
Because if he is the traditional type, he could get turned off by the fact that you want to pay. He might decline your offer and propose to pay instead. Also be aware that a traditional man, has traditional expectations towards women.
You will to figure out if he is traditional type or not.
Original post by Anonymous #1
What are the societal expectations for who covers the bill on the first date? I'm a girl and asked a boy out for a date. Nothing expensive so I don't mind paying for the whole thing but it feels a bit weird just because I've never heard of any of my female friends doing that. I don't wanna come across as desperate or uninterested. Ideally I just want to split the bill, if that's acceptable? But I did ask him out first...
Id be prepared to pay, but a gentleman would offer to cover half/something else, one problem that happens is its difficult to split a bill.

Generally an easy way of doing it is someone pays for main activity/meal & the other buys drinks afterwards, never ends up being 50/50 but two rounds of drinks in a nice bar can often get to like two-thirds the price of a meal so it works out fairish.
Yes.
Original post by User_name001
How’s it sexist.. and I don’t think you read it at all the gentlemanly thing is to offer to pay otherwise there’s nothing wrong going 50/50 or the OP paying for it at all…nothing awkward about it either…

I read and understood your post just fine, it wasnt complicated. Its sexist to simply assume one gender should bear all the costs when both are equally capable of earning, that's not being a gentleman.

Likewise if someone makes a point of inviting you somewhere and you try to pay the whole bill it can be taken as a bit patronising, stealing their thunder essentially.
Reply 14
Original post by User_name001
He should be a gentleman and he should pay otherwise nothing wrong with splitting it apart
If you mean gentleman as in someone who is chivalrous, then equally I can be a lady in the sense of having class and consideration and pay the whole bill.
How did you ask him out
Original post by Anonymous #1
What are the societal expectations for who covers the bill on the first date? I'm a girl and asked a boy out for a date. Nothing expensive so I don't mind paying for the whole thing but it feels a bit weird just because I've never heard of any of my female friends doing that. I don't wanna come across as desperate or uninterested. Ideally I just want to split the bill, if that's acceptable? But I did ask him out first...
Stop caring what others think. Do your own thinking & reach your own conclusions.

But if you want opinions, here's mine, albeit slightly unconventional:

The general expectation is that the person who asks another out, is the one who pays the bill. Also, the general expectation is that the man asks the woman out. Therefore, effectively the expectation is that the man pays the bill. So far, not complicated.

This 'expectation' was derived during a time in our culture when men not only vastly out-earned women, but also frequently women didn't have jobs, and weren't even allowed to vote. So men paying the bill was not only a gesture of good will and a means to prove themselves that they can provide for a woman, it was also purely practical. Also not complicated to understand.

Men no longer vastly out-earn women. In fact among the younger population, women are on average out-earning men. So why the hell should those original principles apply anymore? Makes no sense in the present day. It would be pretentious. Some people struggle grasping this, but this also isn't complicated so I personally think that some people just don't want to grasp and accept this, and instead want to have their cake and eat it. They want to earn the same as men, and have boyfriends who earn more than they do who pay for their stuff. They usually are not too thick in the head, but are instead self-centred, entitled, ill-intentioned, and nonetheless too thick to be able to self-reflect on any of these things. I won't comment any further on those types.

Also, casual dating and hook-ups are far more commonplace. Why should men be expected to foot the bill for going on dates with women, when the odds of such encounters actually leading to anything serious are statistically lower than ever? If someone is dating with real intent of pursuing a relationship with another person, sure, one person paying the bill, or both people taking turns to pay the bill, makes sense. But if you're only going to see that person once, and yet you're expected to pay the whole bill for that encounter, and you're expected to do this with all women you date... it is stupid. Some people get this, some people don't. I've known a respectable number of women who will volunteer to split the bill if they don't think there will be a 2nd date. Some women on the other hand opt for the 'hit & run' approach (see next point).


I'll pay for a date, if I asked her out and know that she is worth it and there's reasonably high chances we will see other again and that my gesture will be reciprocated in some way (no I am not fking talking 'adult favours' and get annoyed when people suggest this). I will not pay for a date if it is the first time I've ever met her, barely know her or if she has any principles at all, and think there's a high likelihood my money is being thrown down the drain. There's a trend of embittered women in our culture (and there are even more of them on dating apps for some reason) who feel like men have taken advantage of them, and use that to justify going on lots of casual dates with naïve men off the internet who pay for their meals. This is something I have utter contempt for, and it is only one small facet of a much greater problem that I could probably write a thesis about by now. Again this isn't complicated, and most people understand this well enough when I break down the argument, but some people (those types of women) nonetheless do not care, and are unable to compute that what goes around comes around & they probably shouldn't sh*t where they eat. Good women and good men exist, and they tend to avoid those types of as.holes. Likes tend to attract more than opposites (though there are rare exceptions), and these types of women mostly have themselves to blame for the "sh*tty" men they often attract into their lives. And often the same applies to those types of men.


My overall points: men paying for dates is outdated. Women wanted equality, they got it, and ought to be held to their word. And also, men paying for dates in a culture where casual dating that doesn't lead anywhere and where hook-ups are prolific, is financially irrational. I also don't understand how a woman would find that type of man attractive in the first place. I don't find people attractive who throw their money away, I instead consider them an irresponsible liability and avoid them less they drag me down to their level. If I were a woman and saw a man throwing his money at different women each week, I'd think that he's most likely desperate or an idiot. Ironically, I think many women do actually think that of such men, yet often nonetheless still expect them to pay for going on dates. There is too much hypocrisy, cognitive dissonance and entitlement that makes all of this far too twisted and complicated to deal with. It is tiresome. I can't be bothered untangling it, and generally avoid dating someone unless I'm already sure they don't fall in any of those idiotic categories.

Hope that was useful.
(edited 1 month ago)
Original post by Anonymous #1
What are the societal expectations for who covers the bill on the first date? I'm a girl and asked a boy out for a date. Nothing expensive so I don't mind paying for the whole thing but it feels a bit weird just because I've never heard of any of my female friends doing that. I don't wanna come across as desperate or uninterested. Ideally I just want to split the bill, if that's acceptable? But I did ask him out first...
Yeah , however asks would pay
Thank you all that was great advice! I ended up paying first and he paid for the second venue, so it was well balanced in my opinion.
Original post by NonIndigenous
Stop caring what others think. Do your own thinking & reach your own conclusions.

But if you want opinions, here's mine, albeit slightly unconventional:

The general expectation is that the person who asks another out, is the one who pays the bill. Also, the general expectation is that the man asks the woman out. Therefore, effectively the expectation is that the man pays the bill. So far, not complicated.

This 'expectation' was derived during a time in our culture when men not only vastly out-earned women, but also frequently women didn't have jobs, and weren't even allowed to vote. So men paying the bill was not only a gesture of good will and a means to prove themselves that they can provide for a woman, it was also purely practical. Also not complicated to understand.

Men no longer vastly out-earn women. In fact among the younger population, women are on average out-earning men. So why the hell should those original principles apply anymore? Makes no sense in the present day. It would be pretentious. Some people struggle grasping this, but this also isn't complicated so I personally think that some people just don't want to grasp and accept this, and instead want to have their cake and eat it. They want to earn the same as men, and have boyfriends who earn more than they do who pay for their stuff. They usually are not too thick in the head, but instead are self-centred, entitled and ill-intentioned. I won't comment any further on those types.

Also, casual dating and hook-ups are far more commonplace. Why should men be expected to foot the bill for going on dates with women, when the odds of such encounters actually leading to anything serious are statistically lower than ever? If someone is dating with real intent of pursuing a relationship with another person, sure, one person paying the bill, or both people taking turns to pay the bill, makes sense. But if you're only going to see that person once, and yet you're expected to pay the whole bill for that encounter, and you're expected to do this with all women you date... it is stupid. Some people get this, some people don't. I've known a respectable number of women who will volunteer to split the bill if they don't think there will be a 2nd date. Some women on the other hand opt for the 'hit & run' approach (see next point).


I'll pay for a date, if I asked her out and know that she is worth it and there's reasonably high chances we will see other again and that my gesture will be reciprocated in some way (no I am not fking talking 'adult favours' and get annoyed when people suggest this). I will not pay for a date if it is the first time I've ever met her, barely know her or if she has any principles at all, and think there's a high likelihood my money is being thrown down the drain. There's a trend of embittered women in our culture (and there are even more of them on dating apps for some reason) who feel like men have taken advantage of them, and use that to justify going on lots of casual dates with naïve men off the internet who pay for their meals. This is something I have utter contempt for. Again this isn't complicated, and most people understand this well enough when I break down the argument, but some people (those types of women) nonetheless do not care.


My overall points: men paying for dates is outdated. Women wanted equality, they got it, and ought to be held to their word. And also, men paying for dates in a culture where casual dating and hook-ups are prolific, is financially irrational. I also don't understand how a woman would find that type of man attractive in the first place. I don't find people attractive who throw their money away, I instead consider them an irresponsible liability and avoid them less they drag me down to their level.

Hope that was useful.
"Women wanted equality, they got it, and ought to be held to their word"

Equal rights for men? :p:
Noooo! :hide:
Where are all these women that want to aid and abet the men's liberation movement. :shakecane:

Seriously though- very few women did or do want equal rights, responsibilities and the same treatment automatically accorded to the adults of each biological sex.
Even the most vocal of feminists generally make no claim to be egalitarians.
For obvious reasons.

I believe in the "asker pays" system for all social and business invites, not just dating.
For all adults, regardless of their biological sex or sexual orientation.

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