Gone Behind my Back to See a Friend Who Fancies Her ADVICE NEEDED

Whilst I agree that she has behaved completely out of order, I'm also aware that you said that this was a four year relationship - is it worth chucking her over this? I mean, don't let her get away with it - a stern word and if she does it again she's out - but I think I would be wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt if it was me. After a hell of a lot of grovelling from her, of course.

Obviously you would be unhappy, all I was saying is I can see why she would lie. If he is going to go mad and say no then the only way she can go see her friend is if she lies. Essentially she should have told him and if he had a problem made the choice between her friend and her boyfriend, but obviously that is not going to be a choice she wants to have to make!

The lying is obviously the main issue here, but I don't think it necessarily means that she has anything to hide, just that he made her feel the need to hide it from him by having a trust issue in the first place.

Hi,

My girlfriend of 4 years has done something quite bad. The other day she said she was going home to her parents for a week. However i've since found out that that was a lie, and she's made a 4 hour journey to Manchester to stay with a (male) friend for a week. The friend she's gone to stay with has tried to get with her numerous times in the past. Now she is spending a week sleeping in the same room as him.

I've confronted her about this and she thinks she's done nothing wrong, asides from lying about where she was going. She says she just wants to see Manchester and get away for a bit.

I'm livid. Not only has she betrayed my trust by going behind my back. She's also sleeping in the same room as, and spending 24 hours a day with, someone that obviously fancies her. She say's she hasn't slept with him, but this isnt normal behaviour of someone in a relationship.

Tell me i'm not mental. I've got a good reason to be mad right?

The thing is it's a trust thing. On one hand it would be a waste, but after she's lied to me massively i don't know if i'll be able to trust her again really.

Hey men cheat a lot too! It's less about the sex of the person and more about the loyalty problem of the individual. Some people are less loyal than others, gender doesn't come into it so don't be saying '****ing women'. Besides surveys show 78% of men have cheated on their partners. So...

I would argue that if she knew he would go mad about her going, then she shouldn't be going at all, because his feelings should be her priority. I think actually talking to him about it and reaching a compromise - such as not staying in his room - would have been much more considerate than thinking 'If I don't tell him, I can still go', because at the end of the day, I think, at least, that not giving my partner reason to feel insecure would have more value than getting to go.

I understand that she probably didn't tell him because she didn't want drama, but I think that if she knew her actions would cause drama and cared, she wouldn't have gone in the first place, or rather, she would have talked to him about it. The fact that the going clearly mattered more to her than how OP feels, I do find a little suspicious. I'm just not a big fan of liars to be honest!

Hey i wasn't saying women cheat, i was saying "****in' women", cause is just seems to me like women want to do whatever the hell they like, but don't want you doing the same thing.

I.e my ex would of not been ok with me having a girl round to sleep, but she wanted to do it herself. And she certainly wouldn't of been ok with me telling some little fitty that she can cuddle me if it's cold, but did it herself.

Hence, ****in' women

Obviously (well i bloody hope) there are women who aren't like this, but i'm pretty bitter atm, i wasn't making a proper generalisation about women, just in my experience they seem to be very illogical individuals and rather hypocritical.

Hey i wasn't saying women cheat, i was saying "****in' women", cause is just seems to me like women want to do whatever the hell they like, but don't want you doing the same thing.

I.e my ex would of not been ok with me having a girl round to sleep, but she wanted to do it herself. And she certainly wouldn't of been ok with me telling some little fitty that she can cuddle me if it's cold, but did it herself.

Hence, ****in' women

Obviously (well i bloody hope) there are women who aren't like this, but i'm pretty bitter atm, i wasn't making a proper generalisation about women, just in my experience they seem to be very illogical individuals and rather hypocritical.

So she wanted to have a guy round to sleep or a girl round to sleep?

That is a proper generalisation that hounds women throughout daily life including in the workplace.
Please don't ascribe to the stereotype that all women are illogical and overemotional, it is very hurtful to gender equality and relations

Yeah you've been hurt, but don't tar the rest of us with the same brush. Some people are just dicks, regardless of gender

Hey i wasn't saying women cheat, i was saying "****in' women", cause is just seems to me like women want to do whatever the hell they like, but don't want you doing the same thing.

I.e my ex would of not been ok with me having a girl round to sleep, but she wanted to do it herself. And she certainly wouldn't of been ok with me telling some little fitty that she can cuddle me if it's cold, but did it herself.

Hence, ****in' women

Obviously (well i bloody hope) there are women who aren't like this, but i'm pretty bitter atm, i wasn't making a proper generalisation about women, just in my experience they seem to be very illogical individuals and rather hypocritical.

A guy...




Hmmm perhaps. But it is true that men are in general more logical based, and women are more emotionally based, when it comes to decision making.. i'm no psychologist though.

But yes, i appreciate that not all women are the same, but i do think it's true that men are in general more logical. And i'm pretty big on logic, and my ex's logic was just not.. logical, so it was particularly bad.

I would argue that if he was going to 'go mad' over anything she wanted to do instead of talking it through reasonably she should leave. But I guess that is just self-confidence and personal feelings of what you will put up with in a relationship. I can't deal with someone telling me what I can and can't do, and I would never do that to someone I am in a relationship with.

Yeah she should have talked to him about it, she didn't, but that doesn't mean she definitely cheated. It just shows there is something wrong in the relationship in that she doesn't feel she can tell him.

I think it is better to just take people as they come rather than making gender based generalisations love. Everyone is and individual and I think people can be both emotional and logical, I know I am, as well as illogical and unemotional, which is probably how I would describe my brother.

It is not healthy for society to start prescribing characteristics to individuals based on gender (or race or sexuality etc) because it can only lead to inequality and missed opportunities.

Hi,

My girlfriend of 4 years has done something quite bad. The other day she said she was going home to her parents for a week. However i've since found out that that was a lie, and she's made a 4 hour journey to Manchester to stay with a (male) friend for a week. The friend she's gone to stay with has tried to get with her numerous times in the past. Now she is spending a week sleeping in the same room as him.

I've confronted her about this and she thinks she's done nothing wrong, asides from lying about where she was going. She says she just wants to see Manchester and get away for a bit.

I'm livid. Not only has she betrayed my trust by going behind my back. She's also sleeping in the same room as, and spending 24 hours a day with, someone that obviously fancies her. She say's she hasn't slept with him, but this isnt normal behaviour of someone in a relationship.

Tell me i'm not mental. I've got a good reason to be mad right?

The thing is it's a trust thing. On one hand it would be a waste, but after she's lied to me massively i don't know if i'll be able to trust her again really.

Well yes, obviously if he was being controlling with her, she should leave, but I'm not getting the impression from the OP that he is - and I think staying with a friend who clearly has another ulterior motive is ground enough to get upset about, although obviously just flat out getting angry and telling her she can't go wouldn't get him anywhere. For me it's the fact that she didn't even give him the opportunity to voice his opinion - and she doesn't have to listen if he says no, but if she thinks he will then she should care enough to want to reassure him.

I agree, I've told the OP to give her the benefit of the doubt, I think it's shady, but I think that assuming she's cheating is jumping to conclusions a little, although I'd understand if he kept an eye on her after this. And yes, it does show that something is wrong in that she can't tell him, and there are two possible explanations for that, which I think we have both identified: either he is controlling, or she is a little two-faced. Either way though it's a self-fulfilling prophecy - if she keeps lying she appears two faced, and he'll become more controlling because of insecurity, meaning she'll lie more because instead of comforting that insecurity she's scared of the controlling and so does what she wants anyway.

I just never see grounds for lying, is all, is creates more problems than it solves imo, although like you, I understand her possible motivations for doing so.

Hi,

My girlfriend of 4 years has done something quite bad. The other day she said she was going home to her parents for a week. However i've since found out that that was a lie, and she's made a 4 hour journey to Manchester to stay with a (male) friend for a week. The friend she's gone to stay with has tried to get with her numerous times in the past. Now she is spending a week sleeping in the same room as him.

I've confronted her about this and she thinks she's done nothing wrong, asides from lying about where she was going. She says she just wants to see Manchester and get away for a bit.

I'm livid. Not only has she betrayed my trust by going behind my back. She's also sleeping in the same room as, and spending 24 hours a day with, someone that obviously fancies her. She say's she hasn't slept with him, but this isnt normal behaviour of someone in a relationship.

Tell me i'm not mental. I've got a good reason to be mad right?