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Anonymous
It's not that we WANT to break away from our family - or at least that's not what I want, with the exception of my dad - but they don't exactly give a choice. It's either do exactly as they say or get out, and I can't take it anymore.

Tbh your post is kind of naive - be nice and speak to them and they'll understand. You really think we'd be considering such extreme measures if there was the slightest chance that would work!? I know my family would most probably beat me and then chuck me out, I've seen it happen to my cousin and his parents aren't even that strict.


Ok the situation depends on your personality.

If you don't feel bad about taking their money and then going to University and then leaving them straight after then that would probably be the best way for you to go.

However since I don't think your a sociopath, then you will need to get a Job this summer, save up and apply for a student loan. At the very least you will need to apply for a student loan. Make sure you do it in time because there is a backlog.

I would leave your parents. For your own health. For your own mind.

Pick a University far away. Every summer save up some money. When your University finishes, then leave with the money you have.

Just send them a letter, telling them how you feel after.

You only have this life. Don't let it be burdened by the expectations of others.
Original post by shriya
dont break contact, stay in touch...but not too much if that makes sense. med is a long degree, you will have plenty of time to think about how to deal with them after that. I honestly think once you have had a chance to breathe, not that i am suggesting your parents are suffocating you..you may see things differently.
how do you know they want you to move back in with you once you complete your degree?
why dont you try and get a job during this time (i think you said you were on a gap year??) atleast you will have a chance to get out of the house.


Quite a lot of talk regarding medical school here.

You think a 19 year old is going to fund her medical schooling?
Not unless she is Scottish.
Reply 122
i have the same problems and can really understand ur feeling. I feel islam is the right religion but dont believe in sum parts like such as sects in islam or askin for dead for help. My parents have controlled my life i am now 18 i be gettin shouted for bein out with my freinds and always have to come up with excuses that make me lie to my parents. They always think of all my freinds as bad people and whem i am out they keep calling me everytime tellin me to get home. I dont hate my parents i just want them tto understand but when i try to explain they just shout and dont lisen to what im tryin to tell them. My freinds want me to be with them but i come with excuses to keep it secret. It has pushed me so far that i have started to smoke to release the streess i also smoke weed at times to keep me happy. I thought i am the only one but after this forum i have found out i aint. I cant see no future all i think about is if my parents are going to have a go at me when i get hme i jus got shouted and found this post.
this is probably really and you probably won't reply but i am in a similar position. you should PM me so we can talk about it
Original post by Anonymous
sorry for the long post, really have got a lot on my plate.

My family are extremely strict muslims, completely hardcore. Some of their beliefs are jsut so completely wrong and immoral in my opinion (i'm not saying that islam is wrong or immoral - I don't believe that these particular beliefs have any place in the religion). But i go through everyday of my life pretending i believe the same things, because if i didn't i'd be kicked out and disowned, or beaten or whatever - i have no idea, i just no it would be extremely extremely bad, there's no way they'd ever accept it.

But i don't have the means to leave home and support myself and more importantly, i don't have the courage to do it. I'm starting uni in october, and my parents are working so hard to help finance it since we're not very wealthy. But i don't want them to - i don't want to owe them anything more, i feel so bad about wanting to leave. But they've completely and absolutely controlled my life. I've never had a social life much because i've never been allowed out with friends, I've had to lie jsut to go to the cinema, or even to the park. Most of the friends i do have are distant, and i don't blame them, if i'm never around then i can hardly be a good friend. They don't understand that i can't help it, and that as pathetic as it sounds, they're the only friends i really have.

My muslim friends would completely reject me too - i'd be hated by most of them. I feel like i'm completely stuck leading this life, and i'm so damn miserable. I can't even ask any girls i like out, the most social interaction i've had on my gap year is through facebook, and my parents are constantly screaming and shouting at me, having a complete go at me. They treat me like i'm 5 years old, completely controlling my life, and yet have a go at me for not being mature etc

They've always fought too, and I mean physically as well, which ahs resulted in me completely hating my dad. I once tried to protect my mum - she ended up not talking to me because i showed my dad "disrespect". He's not had a job for years - he runs an islamic bookshop which barely breaks even.

I feel like i'm going crazy. I can't tell anyone this, they either don't understand, think i'm pathetic or would completely hate me for it. I just want to be able to live my own life. They expect me to get married in a few years (i'm 19) and move in and look after them and basically let them carry on dictating my life. I have no intention of doing that - but i can't see any possible way to break free of them, and it's incredibly difficult to just up and leave the people who have provided for you for 19 years.

It's made me a complete wreck - i've become good at hiding my feelings - i have a reputation as someone who's always happy and constantly joking, ironically the guy other people rely on and go to for advice. I tried to tell a friend i was actually miserable the otehr day - he thought i was joking.

my life is a complete mess. i don't even feel like it is my life. I'm constantly lying and manipulating people to hide my true beliefs, and I feel like a complete coward.


I hear you. But it could be worse you know. You could be gay. Now I wouldn't want to find myself in THAT situation.
Reply 125
Original post by Anonymous
sorry for the long post, really have got a lot on my plate.

My family are extremely strict muslims, completely hardcore. Some of their beliefs are jsut so completely wrong and immoral in my opinion (i'm not saying that islam is wrong or immoral - I don't believe that these particular beliefs have any place in the religion). But i go through everyday of my life pretending i believe the same things, because if i didn't i'd be kicked out and disowned, or beaten or whatever - i have no idea, i just no it would be extremely extremely bad, there's no way they'd ever accept it.

But i don't have the means to leave home and support myself and more importantly, i don't have the courage to do it. I'm starting uni in october, and my parents are working so hard to help finance it since we're not very wealthy. But i don't want them to - i don't want to owe them anything more, i feel so bad about wanting to leave. But they've completely and absolutely controlled my life. I've never had a social life much because i've never been allowed out with friends, I've had to lie jsut to go to the cinema, or even to the park. Most of the friends i do have are distant, and i don't blame them, if i'm never around then i can hardly be a good friend. They don't understand that i can't help it, and that as pathetic as it sounds, they're the only friends i really have.

My muslim friends would completely reject me too - i'd be hated by most of them. I feel like i'm completely stuck leading this life, and i'm so damn miserable. I can't even ask any girls i like out, the most social interaction i've had on my gap year is through facebook, and my parents are constantly screaming and shouting at me, having a complete go at me. They treat me like i'm 5 years old, completely controlling my life, and yet have a go at me for not being mature etc

They've always fought too, and I mean physically as well, which ahs resulted in me completely hating my dad. I once tried to protect my mum - she ended up not talking to me because i showed my dad "disrespect". He's not had a job for years - he runs an islamic bookshop which barely breaks even.

I feel like i'm going crazy. I can't tell anyone this, they either don't understand, think i'm pathetic or would completely hate me for it. I just want to be able to live my own life. They expect me to get married in a few years (i'm 19) and move in and look after them and basically let them carry on dictating my life. I have no intention of doing that - but i can't see any possible way to break free of them, and it's incredibly difficult to just up and leave the people who have provided for you for 19 years.

It's made me a complete wreck - i've become good at hiding my feelings - i have a reputation as someone who's always happy and constantly joking, ironically the guy other people rely on and go to for advice. I tried to tell a friend i was actually miserable the otehr day - he thought i was joking.

my life is a complete mess. i don't even feel like it is my life. I'm constantly lying and manipulating people to hide my true beliefs, and I feel like a complete coward.


Contact me I will help u my no is 07448194418 I will be friend of u life long my name is sunny
hey
what are these beliefs? what exactly dont you believe in about islam?
Pm me if u need to. I have direct access to scholars... so may be of use :smile:
Original post by hellopeoples
hey
what are these beliefs? what exactly dont you believe in about islam?
Pm me if u need to. I have direct access to scholars... so may be of use :smile:


Oh, shush.
As a girl in a similar situation, I really feel for you OP. One of the things I'm worried about is the impact on my younger sister if I bolt, also the fact that I'd be breaking hearts. It's almost like suffer in silence to maintain the peace of everyone else, but killing yourself slowly inside, VERSUS being able to escape what feels like hell on earth and restoring your own sanity. I think if you come from a culture where what OP has mentioned is a problem, then this whole idea of putting yourself first is not common. In fact, it's all about maintaining appearances and putting everyone else first. It can be very noble and whatnot, but most of the time (being general here about one subset of the culture) it can be suffocating. You feel morally obliged to stick through hell. But this is not something one can do if they don't have faith in the religion any more, in my opinion, unless they have extraordinary willpower. My issue is that I'm way too easily manipulated by my parents because they effectively blackmail me without stating the words. My father would actually kill me (as he has said and I very well know, as both parents get physical with me) if I ever did anything wrong (not that I'd mind, he can kill me if he wants). Being disowned would be hard because you lose the good times, as well as the bad ones. I guess my game plan (you might have a similar one) is to go through with my degree, take the least money from my parents that they offer me, and work my butt off to save up as much as I can, preferably getting a job that is miles away from my parents. I would save up secretly for a property/flat in a secret location or something, or have a friend who is willing to let me sleep in a room if I paid them for bills and stuff, and just keep a separate account so that my parents couldn't meddle in those affairs. That way, if the situation ever becomes an emergency, I could escape. The damn key to this whole thing is financial and emotional independence, and I have neither. SIGH :frown: :smile: :hugs2:
Original post by caseyhayes
Oh, shush.


Why are you telling him to shush?
Why are you telling him to shush?


thank you Perseveranze,

Oh, shush.


As for you sir, please learn how to speak to people with good conduct. Honestly, Oh, shush, sounds like someone uneducated is speaking. :colondollar:
Reply 131
fukin op trolls
Just to throw my hat in to the ring, as for the 'what do I do after med school' you can work literally anywhere....
My older brother took a job in Wales! (we live in London), and he was in a pretty similar situation to what you'll be in, fresh out of Med school and wanting to get away from Ma and Pa. You can make this work if you really want to, good luck my friend.
Original post by xxAFFxx
Don't most asians do that. I'm pakistani muslim and im really lucky that my parents are not strict, but my other muslim friends are not so lucky. Its all culture not religion - these stupid asians just use religion to cover it.


I know this was 3 years ago but I just have to point this out:

Most Pakistani people were originally Hindustani - meaning they shared the same culture as Indians. Pakistan hasn't been around for a long time. I have noticed that Pakistani's are more strict than Indians. The only difference between them is religion. And if there are any cultural differences b/w them, then it is the result of Islam. So in other words, it is the religion.
i can totally understand what your going through, as i have the same situation , i live with a very strict controlling dad, he doesn't let me go out anywhere, and every time i want to go out somewhere i have to lie and say im going somewhere else. he doesnt even let me live my life, and because of him i have no social life. its really frustrating, i hate this stupid mentality that arab parents have.

the best thing to do is just move out, thats what im going to do.
behead the kuffar
I think that you should tell your parents at some point- they might even be accepting of it. I told my very christian parents that I was an atheist last year, and they were a lot more understanding than I'd thought they'd be. However, if you think that there is a considerable chance that this would perhaps seriously damage your relationship, then I think it maybe is best to wait until you are at uni, so at least you have somewhere to go, and have started to make new friends. Good luck!
Original post by Anonymous
sorry for the long post, really have got a lot on my plate.

My family are extremely strict muslims, completely hardcore. Some of their beliefs are jsut so completely wrong and immoral in my opinion (i'm not saying that islam is wrong or immoral - I don't believe that these particular beliefs have any place in the religion). But i go through everyday of my life pretending i believe the same things, because if i didn't i'd be kicked out and disowned, or beaten or whatever - i have no idea, i just no it would be extremely extremely bad, there's no way they'd ever accept it.

But i don't have the means to leave home and support myself and more importantly, i don't have the courage to do it. I'm starting uni in october, and my parents are working so hard to help finance it since we're not very wealthy. But i don't want them to - i don't want to owe them anything more, i feel so bad about wanting to leave. But they've completely and absolutely controlled my life. I've never had a social life much because i've never been allowed out with friends, I've had to lie jsut to go to the cinema, or even to the park. Most of the friends i do have are distant, and i don't blame them, if i'm never around then i can hardly be a good friend. They don't understand that i can't help it, and that as pathetic as it sounds, they're the only friends i really have.

My muslim friends would completely reject me too - i'd be hated by most of them. I feel like i'm completely stuck leading this life, and i'm so damn miserable. I can't even ask any girls i like out, the most social interaction i've had on my gap year is through facebook, and my parents are constantly screaming and shouting at me, having a complete go at me. They treat me like i'm 5 years old, completely controlling my life, and yet have a go at me for not being mature etc

They've always fought too, and I mean physically as well, which ahs resulted in me completely hating my dad. I once tried to protect my mum - she ended up not talking to me because i showed my dad "disrespect". He's not had a job for years - he runs an islamic bookshop which barely breaks even.

I feel like i'm going crazy. I can't tell anyone this, they either don't understand, think i'm pathetic or would completely hate me for it. I just want to be able to live my own life. They expect me to get married in a few years (i'm 19) and move in and look after them and basically let them carry on dictating my life. I have no intention of doing that - but i can't see any possible way to break free of them, and it's incredibly difficult to just up and leave the people who have provided for you for 19 years.

It's made me a complete wreck - i've become good at hiding my feelings - i have a reputation as someone who's always happy and constantly joking, ironically the guy other people rely on and go to for advice. I tried to tell a friend i was actually miserable the otehr day - he thought i was joking.

my life is a complete mess. i don't even feel like it is my life. I'm constantly lying and manipulating people to hide my true beliefs, and I feel like a complete coward.
I really feel for you tbh :console: I'm in a similar position although I wouldn't say my family are "extremely" strict. It's really frustrating having to cover up my true beliefs but it's really hard when my parents & all my relatives are Muslims, they would definitely criticise me if I wasn't & try & convince me that it's the right path to follow. You can always PM if you want, i'd be happy to talk to you :smile:
Original post by LAX Inc
Well I do have similar situation like your but I do believe in Islam. Hmm, why don't you consult with Imam? If not then I would recommend reading the books or websites which could help you to solve your problems. Google is your friend. Apart from your friends, did you tell this to your teacher or other people. Are you moving away from your family when you start at uni?


Yeah I have a similar situation but I'm still in high school. :/ wish I could give some decent advice

Posted from TSR Mobile
All I'm gonna say is: Don't leave Islam because I think how your parents behave is to do with culture as well. My sisters got married young so uni was out of the question, but I've made it clear that I'm going to go.
Your parents seem so much stricter they don't let me go anywhere. But they're lenient when I ask (beg) :smile:

Their beliefs (I think) is very heavily influenced by culture (ur either Indian Bangladeshi Pakistani). They want u to be a good Muslim, never seen out in town or remotely near a male... All because it'll put a bad name on the family...?
That's culture talk and them being proud. They have no right to tell you what to do. Islam allows women to be independent and I know lots of Muslim women who studied for a while and got married around 28-30 y/o.
Pm me if u want...

Posted from TSR Mobile

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