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funniest jokes you have ever heard

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A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f*** all in here'

Reply 182

cambio wechsel

The doctor told me I had to stop masturbating. When I asked why he said "because I'm trying to examine you"

Reply 183

ddrrzzeerr

My favourite joke is 'What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?

Eileen

The most I have ever laughed at a joke is a really stupid one of my Dad's. We were in the car and the sky was red and my mum said that means tommorow will be a nice day. Me and my sister were discussing what it was that caused the sky to be red and my Dad out of the blue said "Red sky at night shepherd's delight. Meat and potato shepherd's pie".

Reply 184

RetroRocker

"Don't knock masturbation. Its sex with someone I love." - Woody Allen in Annie Hall

Reply 185

hbk4894

Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!

Reply 186

hbk4894

when i give you the signal , i want you to wind the window down and call the cylist a w***er - Hugh Dennis

Reply 187

R4INBOW

What's a Vampire's favourite fruit??

Neck-tarine :teehee:

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Reply 188

Don_HH

I neutron walked into a bar, and the bar man says "no charge"! Get it? :biggrin:

Reply 189

thegodofgod

This one is so racist, you wouldn't believe:

Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again.

:teehee:

Reply 190

Forget that

Original post by marc_h94

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Thats just horrid! :erm:

Reply 191

Rock_and_roll

What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 192

sceptic_medic

Original post by Forget that

Thats just horrid! :erm:

credit to sickipedia :tongue:

Reply 193

NuclearFusion

Roses are red
Violets are blue
In Soviet Russia
Poem write YOU!!11!!!1!

Just had to make it a little more dramatic.

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 194

ROYP

Original post by MathematicsKiller

You are a joke.

I like to read this at least once a day to get a good laugh

Reply 195

hbk4894

When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight ? When they had lots of sleepless knights !

Reply 196

DSB

NONONONNONNONONONONONO this is the funniest :biggrin:

What are they only type of Bees to produce milk?

Boobees

Reply 197

sykez12

My grandfather died in the holocaust....he fell off his guard tower.
this isn't antisemitism it's a joke so don't take it too seriously.

Reply 198

hbk4894

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Reply 199

RetroRocker

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

And in a similar vein:

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being raped by a giant scorpion.

I <3 anti-jokes.