funniest jokes you have ever heard
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Ermm I was gonna say a gay joke...but(t) fcuk it.
Original post by Contrad!ction.
Bazinga!
:P
We have offers for the same course from 3 unis
Why did Hitler commit suicide?
... because he opened the mail and found the gas bill
... because he opened the mail and found the gas bill
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife is dead.
Because his wife is dead.
-What do you call a french-man in sandals? Phillipe Flop
-The name Pavlov rings a bell
-Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: How do you drive this thing?
The other replies: Holy S**t! A talking fish!
- Two men are out hunting, when one accidentally shoot his friend in the leg. He's really panicking, as he thinks that he may be dead, but manages to call the emergency services. He's babbling down the phone, so the lady at the other end tries to get him to calm down. Once shes done this, she says: 'Now, first things first, make sure that he is dead.' She hears a shot from down the phone and the man replies: 'he is now!'
- Protons have mass? I didn't even know that they were catholic. (Fallout 3!)
-Plato and a platypus walk into a bar. The barman looks at them quizzically and plato rolls his eyes and responds: well, she looked much better in the cave!
- chicken & the egg are in bed together. The eggs turns to the chicken and says: That solves that then! (Sandi Totsvig - probably spelt that wrong) via QI
- A man walks into a bar and out of nowhere hears a voice that says 'nice tie!'. Confused, he walks further in and again the voice - 'my, what a good suit', still perplexed, but feeling good he steps upto the barman and hears the voice again - 'Wow! you are handsome!'. He asks the barman what the voice is. 'Oh' replies the barman. 'it's the peanuts, they're complimentary'...
- A man runs over a woman. Whose is at fault?
The man - he shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen!
-The name Pavlov rings a bell
-Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: How do you drive this thing?
The other replies: Holy S**t! A talking fish!
- Two men are out hunting, when one accidentally shoot his friend in the leg. He's really panicking, as he thinks that he may be dead, but manages to call the emergency services. He's babbling down the phone, so the lady at the other end tries to get him to calm down. Once shes done this, she says: 'Now, first things first, make sure that he is dead.' She hears a shot from down the phone and the man replies: 'he is now!'
- Protons have mass? I didn't even know that they were catholic. (Fallout 3!)
-Plato and a platypus walk into a bar. The barman looks at them quizzically and plato rolls his eyes and responds: well, she looked much better in the cave!
- chicken & the egg are in bed together. The eggs turns to the chicken and says: That solves that then! (Sandi Totsvig - probably spelt that wrong) via QI
- A man walks into a bar and out of nowhere hears a voice that says 'nice tie!'. Confused, he walks further in and again the voice - 'my, what a good suit', still perplexed, but feeling good he steps upto the barman and hears the voice again - 'Wow! you are handsome!'. He asks the barman what the voice is. 'Oh' replies the barman. 'it's the peanuts, they're complimentary'...
- A man runs over a woman. Whose is at fault?
The man - he shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen!
P.S. Your vagina's in the sink!
I <3 Family guy.
I <3 Family guy.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
Spoiler
Original post by Philbert
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila!
Tequila!
What do Mexicans put underneath their carpets?
Underlay! Underlay!
My all time fave
A bus-load of nuns crashes on the way back to the convent. They form an orderly queue at the Pearly Gates and St Peter says;
"There are certain things you have may have to confess and seek forgiveness for before you can come in." " Have you ever seen a man's willy?"
Mother Brigette says "Yes, I have".
"Then wash out your eyes with holy water in the fountain"
"Have you ever touched a man's willy?"
Mother Geraldene said "Yes I touched one, once."
"Wash your hands with holy water from the fountain, then".
At that point there was a lot of scuffling and pushing for position amongst the nuns and St Peter says "Please ladies, what's all the excitement about?"
Mother Mary shouts "Well if I've got to wash my mouth out with holy water, I want to do it before Mother Maureen puts her arse in it!"
xD
A bus-load of nuns crashes on the way back to the convent. They form an orderly queue at the Pearly Gates and St Peter says;
"There are certain things you have may have to confess and seek forgiveness for before you can come in." " Have you ever seen a man's willy?"
Mother Brigette says "Yes, I have".
"Then wash out your eyes with holy water in the fountain"
"Have you ever touched a man's willy?"
Mother Geraldene said "Yes I touched one, once."
"Wash your hands with holy water from the fountain, then".
At that point there was a lot of scuffling and pushing for position amongst the nuns and St Peter says "Please ladies, what's all the excitement about?"
Mother Mary shouts "Well if I've got to wash my mouth out with holy water, I want to do it before Mother Maureen puts her arse in it!"
xD
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by RetroRocker
What do Mexicans put underneath their carpets?
Underlay! Underlay!
Underlay! Underlay!
That had my laughing a lot more than it should have done.
Original post by ~ Purple Rose ~
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Peace Prize?
Spoiler
That is pretty much my all time favourite, along with 'Did you hear about the magic tractor?
Spoiler
And, from Milton Jones: On my fathers deathbed the last thing he said to me was 'you selfish boy'
and that is why I became a fishmonger!
Original post by Philbert
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila!
Tequila!
What do you call a Mexican who's lost his car?
Carlos
A light 2 seater aircraft crashed in a cemetery outside Bristol. Police reports claim over 100 bodies have been found at the crash site.
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