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My fiancee is not who I thought she was. Turns out she was very promiscuous
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Original post by Birdman1234567
Guys don't usually call others guys sluts tbf, If a guy manages to bed 25 girls etc whether they think its filthy or not other guys can often still appreciate the fact that he has game. If women want to get rid of this double standard they perhaps should start stigmatising promiscuous men? I don't agree with the double standard personally but I don't think it will ever go away, I think it will always be there naturally. I think men naturally place more emphasis on exclusivity than women do.
If a man is promiscuous like Russel Brand, that just makes him all the more desirable to most women. They want in on what other women have deemed bed worthy. With men they mostly want something fresh. That's just how it is.
Original post by Mark85
Thi
It suggests to me that she wanted a laugh with the girls without her fiance there. Nothing wrong with that. It is ok to be a couple and go off with the lads/girls on your own every so often.
It suggests to me that she wanted a laugh with the girls without her fiance there. Nothing wrong with that. It is ok to be a couple and go off with the lads/girls on your own every so often.
Well, you know her better than I do but I would have thought she'd want to introduce her husband-to-be to her old classmates and vice versa.
Sloots gonna sloot. Just kidding, sucks to be you. I could possibly deal with a girl who has had sex with 20 guys but being a sorority slut (non-derogatory, can't think of any other term)? **** that ****, your girl was getting tossed around dawg. I can relate to girls who have causal sex because hey we're humans with sexual desires, but a girl who gets passed around in clubs/colleges for men/boys? Nah, having dealt with girls like that I just can't respect them. Some people might say that the person that's receiving is the same as the one giving but that's not true, I mean we all see value in having our garbage taken or streets cleaned, does that stop us looking down on those who clean our street or take our garbage? Nope.
Anyway, this is all how I feel. It's really up to you to decide whether this relationship is worth continuing. She's been in college for 4 years, that's around 5 guys per year, does that make it less uncomfortable for you? However, you can't really blame her for anything. She did not lie to you or mislead you. You did not ask so don't put anything on her. It's on you and your emotions, if you're not comfortable that's okay, sexual compatibility is important in relationships and you don't seem to have the same mindset. However, 3 year is a long time and you're planning on getting married so you might have a bias towards sticking with the relationship. You might want to see a therapist and discuss your feelings, possibly couple therapy after that individual therapy.
Next time, ask your perspective partner, there's nothing wrong with asking. If she states a number you're uncomfortable with then don't get involved. She's not going to be the only girl that's compatible for you, there are 100 Million+ women in the USA and I'm sure millions that have very low sexual partners.
Anyway, this is all how I feel. It's really up to you to decide whether this relationship is worth continuing. She's been in college for 4 years, that's around 5 guys per year, does that make it less uncomfortable for you? However, you can't really blame her for anything. She did not lie to you or mislead you. You did not ask so don't put anything on her. It's on you and your emotions, if you're not comfortable that's okay, sexual compatibility is important in relationships and you don't seem to have the same mindset. However, 3 year is a long time and you're planning on getting married so you might have a bias towards sticking with the relationship. You might want to see a therapist and discuss your feelings, possibly couple therapy after that individual therapy.
Next time, ask your perspective partner, there's nothing wrong with asking. If she states a number you're uncomfortable with then don't get involved. She's not going to be the only girl that's compatible for you, there are 100 Million+ women in the USA and I'm sure millions that have very low sexual partners.
Original post by Rascacielos
This was a reasonably long time ago. It happens and it's far from uncommon, I'm sure. Her "history" is really nothing unusual. The fact that she was uncomfortable about you going to the reunion and not having mentioned her sexual exploits to you suggests to me that she regrets her past and now, given that she's engaged to you, wants to settle down in a serious relationship. I think, rather than ruining something which up until now was good, you should try to let her past go. I'm not saying forget about it - it's clearly upset you and that's not something you can just 'forget' but try to not let it ruin your relationship. If you think that her promiscuity is not in the past and she may have cheated on you or is likely to, then of course this is something to be concerned about. But you need to separate your worry about something which has happened and has finished from your concern about what's happening (or most likely not happening) now. The latter, in my opinion, is the only thing you need to worry about enough for it to affect your relationship with her.
Looks like we have found the partner in crime. Or maybe her pimp?
Original post by JC.
You can either deal with it and accept it or you can't.
Thats the bare facts without the sugarcoat.
Thats the bare facts without the sugarcoat.
This.
Not surprised she lied considering your reaction ... marriage is for better or worse, either you love her more than her past or you don't.
Maybe she lied because she didn't fancy being called pathetic on a public forum?
I can see why it bothers you. Most of us like to think our partners are content with us and haven't had an extensive back history of promiscuity. But, you are with her because you love her. Considering she was part of a gaggle of ladies who may have done this, it may have been a case of do it or be excluded. I know how these kind of groups work, whether it be drinking, sex or drugs.
You're in love with her for who she is. What she did when she was younger is part of that, albeit not a part you knew about until recently. It really shouldn't change how you feel about her - she has chosen you above all the others and wants to marry you. If she'd been blowing men off during the course of your relationship - that's different. But she hasn't. Everyone is entitled to a past, and I'm of the school that it shouldn't matter who and when and why you slept with someone. It may be that I'm a bit older, and that I've had partners who have slept with 20+ partners, but as a rule I don't go asking potential boyfriends how many people they've banged. It's not relevant, unless they've conducted unsafe sex.
I can see why it bothers you. Most of us like to think our partners are content with us and haven't had an extensive back history of promiscuity. But, you are with her because you love her. Considering she was part of a gaggle of ladies who may have done this, it may have been a case of do it or be excluded. I know how these kind of groups work, whether it be drinking, sex or drugs.
You're in love with her for who she is. What she did when she was younger is part of that, albeit not a part you knew about until recently. It really shouldn't change how you feel about her - she has chosen you above all the others and wants to marry you. If she'd been blowing men off during the course of your relationship - that's different. But she hasn't. Everyone is entitled to a past, and I'm of the school that it shouldn't matter who and when and why you slept with someone. It may be that I'm a bit older, and that I've had partners who have slept with 20+ partners, but as a rule I don't go asking potential boyfriends how many people they've banged. It's not relevant, unless they've conducted unsafe sex.
Original post by Lucia.
All you guys calling her a slut...would you say that a guy was a slut if he'd gone down on 20 women during his lifetime?
Not a slut: a manwhore. I wouldn't accept blowjobs from 20 different girls, never mind go down on them.
If not always blow jobs, I've certainly had sex of one type or another with well over that number of guys, and many of them on one-night stands. But I wouldn't hide that from someone I became close to, and would be concerned about any guy who would feel the need to hide anything like that from me. And I would really hate to feel I was going into a marriage without really knowing the person I was marrying.
Original post by stung2012
My fiance and I have known each other for three years. We got engaged last year and our wedding is scheduled in two months.
The back story is sad really and I did not see it coming.
Basically, my fiance is not the person I thought she was. Last week she and I attended her five year college reunion. Originally, I was not going to be able to go with her given certain timing conflicts, but I rejigged my schedule and said I'd accompany her. I thought she'd be happy about that but instead she seemed edgy. It was a red flag I didn't catch at the time.
Long, sad, pathetic story short, on the second night there we were at her sorority reunion and were having a rollicking time drinking with her old "sisters." It came to light that during her time there she was a "regular" at a fraternity that her sorority was "friendly" with. Basically, she's been with many many guys.
When I brought this up the next day, sober and shocked and with reality setting in, she said that it didn't really count because she "just went down on them." How many? She didn't want to answer but I got it out of her that it was in the mid 20s range.
When we had the "sex talk" early on in our relationship, there was no mention (or the tiniest hint of mention) of any of this. I was not expecting a virgin and she did not say she was one. (neither was I). By the same token, however, she never said anything about all these frat brothers.
I really don't know how to process all this. I'm disgusted. I'm angry. I'm sad. I know everybody has a history - but a history like this?!
I just don't know if I can move forward with her. How does one deal with or look at this?
I'm not a babe in the woods but I've been blindsided. Any constructive suggestions would be welcome. By the way, calling me insecure or a jerk or judgmental is not going to resolve anything. I also don't buy the argument "her past has made her the person she is today that you love." A woman does not need to have 25 guys in her mouth to figure out what she wants to settle down with.
How pathetic.
The back story is sad really and I did not see it coming.
Basically, my fiance is not the person I thought she was. Last week she and I attended her five year college reunion. Originally, I was not going to be able to go with her given certain timing conflicts, but I rejigged my schedule and said I'd accompany her. I thought she'd be happy about that but instead she seemed edgy. It was a red flag I didn't catch at the time.
Long, sad, pathetic story short, on the second night there we were at her sorority reunion and were having a rollicking time drinking with her old "sisters." It came to light that during her time there she was a "regular" at a fraternity that her sorority was "friendly" with. Basically, she's been with many many guys.
When I brought this up the next day, sober and shocked and with reality setting in, she said that it didn't really count because she "just went down on them." How many? She didn't want to answer but I got it out of her that it was in the mid 20s range.
When we had the "sex talk" early on in our relationship, there was no mention (or the tiniest hint of mention) of any of this. I was not expecting a virgin and she did not say she was one. (neither was I). By the same token, however, she never said anything about all these frat brothers.
I really don't know how to process all this. I'm disgusted. I'm angry. I'm sad. I know everybody has a history - but a history like this?!
I just don't know if I can move forward with her. How does one deal with or look at this?
I'm not a babe in the woods but I've been blindsided. Any constructive suggestions would be welcome. By the way, calling me insecure or a jerk or judgmental is not going to resolve anything. I also don't buy the argument "her past has made her the person she is today that you love." A woman does not need to have 25 guys in her mouth to figure out what she wants to settle down with.
How pathetic.
You should break up with her. She doesn't deserve you.
By which I mean, she doesn't deserve to be saddled with a shallow, jealous, judgemental prick for the rest of her life. No-one does.
Original post by Elipsis
If a man is promiscuous like Russel Brand, that just makes him all the more desirable to most women. They want in on what other women have deemed bed worthy. With men they mostly want something fresh. That's just how it is.
I can't imagine anything more hideous than sleeping with that shallow, vain, self-aggrandising narcissist Russell Brand.
Original post by Birdman1234567
Guys don't usually call others guys sluts tbf, If a guy manages to bed 25 girls etc whether they think its filthy or not other guys can often still appreciate the fact that he has game. If women want to get rid of this double standard they perhaps should start stigmatising promiscuous men? I don't agree with the double standard personally but I don't think it will ever go away, I think it will always be there naturally. I think men naturally place more emphasis on exclusivity than women do.
Not necessarily. A lot of guys will **** anything that moves or go for the easiest looking woman who requires minimal effort to 'pull'. Where is the game involved in that? They're not going up to bars and wooing them or charming women they know, I have personally seen men take advantage of women for the sake of it, if it gets round that they're 'easy' they all pester her hoping to get some action. I don't appreciate that. You don't need game to get sex if you're a man.
Original post by Desperate Prayer
Looks like we have found the partner in crime. Or maybe her pimp?
Excuse me?
Original post by Elipsis
If a man is promiscuous like Russel Brand, that just makes him all the more desirable to most women. They want in on what other women have deemed bed worthy. With men they mostly want something fresh. That's just how it is.
I don't really think that's the case at all. I'm sure there are a large proportion of women who would rather have sex with a promiscuous man but there are plenty who value exclusivity, as someone else has put it, as well. I am certainly one of those women and I expect many others on this thread will agree.
Similarly, there are men who like an experienced woman rather than one who has 'saved' herself, for want of a better phrase. And, as you've suggested, there are many men who like a woman who has waited.
I think there is a significant proportion of each type of man and woman, enough for it be wrong for you to make such sweeping generalisations.
Original post by py0alb
You should break up with her. She doesn't deserve you.
By which I mean, she doesn't deserve to be saddled with a shallow, jealous, judgemental prick for the rest of her life. No-one does.
By which I mean, she doesn't deserve to be saddled with a shallow, jealous, judgemental prick for the rest of her life. No-one does.
This is the route I was going down... although you might be being a teeny weeny bit harsh there.
But in general, agreed that the OP needs to let it go.Everyone has a past, maybe she was ashamed of it and didn't want you to judge her by it early in your relationship because she really liked you?
Anyway if you are engaged and you want to marry her surely you love and care for her more than to throw it away because she had a history with a fraternity.
Anyway if you are engaged and you want to marry her surely you love and care for her more than to throw it away because she had a history with a fraternity.
What does it matter what she was like when she was young and free before you knew her? People can change and it's good she got all her wildness out the way before settling down.
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This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
Original post by py0alb
You should break up with her. She doesn't deserve you.
By which I mean, she doesn't deserve to be saddled with a shallow, jealous, judgemental prick for the rest of her life. No-one does.
By which I mean, she doesn't deserve to be saddled with a shallow, jealous, judgemental prick for the rest of her life. No-one does.
You got it wrong. She doesn't deserve him or anyone else willing to commit to marriage. One's past does affect one's future.
And who's to say she's honest when admitting she sucked some dicks? If she lied like this she can still be lying, trying to minimise the damage her past can cause. OP, don't trust whatever she says. Dump her NOW and DUMP HER HARD.
Everyone deserves to be shallow, jealous and judgemental. It's part of humanity. It's what makes us human. Would you be willing to live with a former rapist for example? Just because it's in the past doesn't mean it's ok.
And to the person saying it's good she got her wild side out before wanting to settle down... Life isn't like that. You pick one or another. By choosing to be promiscuous you forfeit the luxury of settling down with someone.
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