Unrequited love

Hi everyone.

I'm here because I need help so bad. I've been battling severe depression for over two years now, due to unrequited love.
April of 2014 is when I started hanging out with my (now) best friend. I'm a 27 year old female, and she's 28. I have always been interested in men, never once thought of a woman in any way. Then something happened. I started noticing that I felt different about her. I started thinking about how pretty she is, how funny she is, how fun she is to be around, how seeing her or getting a text from her kinda just gave me butterflies. I started to realize how much I liked spending time with her. I noticed myself not making time for anyone else because I just wanted my time to be spent on her. Every time she'd ask me to hang out, I'd say yes and cancel any plan I had with anyone else. Time went on and these feelings just kept getting stronger and stronger (I should have walked away then). She's straight and always hooking up with men, which I started noticing I'd get so jealous. I can't stand it. She sometimes says things when she's drunk that give me hope. She's kissed me before and I'm wondering why. I want answers. I'm so in love with her and it hurts. I can't tell her cuz I don't wanna freak her out. I don't wanna ruin our friendship. I am so sad, my heart aches. I can't let anyone else in, I've tried dating and I just can't. I've been a bad friend to everyone else because of my depression. I've stopped caring about everything cuz nothing seems to matter. I can't cut her out cuz she's my best friend. She was in a relationship recently and it killed me. I just wanna be happy and find someone who I can love the way I love her and will love me back. I just can't open up my heart to anyone else because she's the only one I want. If it's not her, I'd only be interested in men. I don't want any other woman. I don't like women that way, but why am I so in love with her? Why can't she fall in love with me, or I fall out of love with her? I just wanna be happy so bad. I've thought about suicide to get rid of this pain but I'm too scared to die. Why do I feel a special connection with her? Does she feel it too or is it just me... I just wish I could get all these questions answered because this is all tearing me apart and i can't keep doing this. Please, help. This is a cry for help 😔 I've never felt this way before. She's on my mind 24/7, everything I do I wish she was with me. I would give her the world if she'd let me be with her.

Reply 1

Zarek

Unrequited love is a horrible thing. But the trouble is it generally doesn't have a solution and leads to a long period of angst which in hindsight was futile and very damaging. And you certainly seem to be up against it on this one. All I can recommend is that you distance yourself from this, before it hits a crisis, and look for an alternative. Later on you will take some pride in having done this. I speak from some unrequited hindsight learning where my behaviour was self humiliating and ultimately led to breakup of the friendship.