Pushy parenting (bit long)
Okay I'm looking for a mix of ages when it comes to responses for this one, because I'm genuinely wanting to know the opinions of teens, adults, and other parents.
When it comes to encouraging stubborn teens to study, is there a point where the parent should just sort of back off and leave the teen to it (and basically chalk it up to being a life lesson if the teen doesn't get the results they would have wanted), or is it the parental role to keep pushing (regardless of the age of the teen) even if they are met with nothing but resistance?
Picture the scene:
Teenage girl aged 17 - in sixth form college (Year 12) doing A Levels.
All through GCSE years she was pushed by her mother to actually do studying. Every time she was supposed to be studying, she sneakily did other things (nothing bad, just not studying!)
She lied a lot and said she was studying, but wasn't, and it got to the point where her mother was pleading with her, cajoling her, bribing her, punishing her, everything. The carrot was given. The proverbial stick was given. The mother was banging her head against a brick wall. The daughter kept saying she would study, but every time the mother's back was turned the girl just didn't. She procrastinated and procrastinated and procrastinated.
Through a LOT of effort on the part of the mother (who literally had to sit with her for many hours every single day and literally revise with her), whilst being met with nothing but resistance, the girl passed her GCSEs (not with amazing grades, but good enough to get into sixth form).
Now the girl is back to procrastinating - this time it's not just with academic work but also with her driving. She's failed her theory test already and now has it booked again, but she's doing everything in her power to procrastinate. She's doing awfully in practice theory tests. One of her A-Level subjects she's averaging at a D in (the other two aren't too bad but one has slipped from an A to a B). Her mother tells her to revise - she says she will, but then doesn't. She does everything BUT revise. She says she's been revising, but the grades aren't changing. She wants to go to an RG uni, but seems to just not want to put any work in.
She's so capable but she puts in next to no effort. The mother is pulling her hair out. Why is it so hard to get this girl to study?
It leads to arguments. The girl gets frustrated that the mother is constantly nagging. The mother is frustrated because she doesn't want to be constantly nagging. Yet the girl still hardly ever studies.
The father says that the girl will be 18 this year, and that there comes a point where the mother should just wash her hands of it all. It's the girl's life, she's not a baby, and ultimately if she fails everything she'll just have to go to uni when she's a mature student and maybe more responsible. He also says that if she fails the theory test again, the parents should stop paying for driving lessons.
The mother isn't sure. She feels as though if she stops pushing the girl, she'll have failed her responsibilities as a parent. She feels as though, even when the girl is an adult, it's her role to help her children no matter their age to achieve the lives they want to achieve. But the father says that if the girl really wants to learn to drive and go to uni, she has to help herself. He thinks the mother should just let it go, and let the girl make her own mistakes, because the mother has been pushing the girl now for several years and you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
So here's where the opinions are needed:
Teens - do your parents push you to study and to achieve things in life? Do you think that it's their job to encourage you even if you are resisting? Do you think that once you reach 18 you are capable of making your own decisions, and that your parents should back off?
Adults - did your parents push you and encourage you? Do you wish they had pushed you more? Do you look back and feel grateful (or resentful) for the way your parents were in regards to your education?
Parents - what would you do if you were the mother in this situation?
When it comes to encouraging stubborn teens to study, is there a point where the parent should just sort of back off and leave the teen to it (and basically chalk it up to being a life lesson if the teen doesn't get the results they would have wanted), or is it the parental role to keep pushing (regardless of the age of the teen) even if they are met with nothing but resistance?
Picture the scene:
Teenage girl aged 17 - in sixth form college (Year 12) doing A Levels.
All through GCSE years she was pushed by her mother to actually do studying. Every time she was supposed to be studying, she sneakily did other things (nothing bad, just not studying!)
She lied a lot and said she was studying, but wasn't, and it got to the point where her mother was pleading with her, cajoling her, bribing her, punishing her, everything. The carrot was given. The proverbial stick was given. The mother was banging her head against a brick wall. The daughter kept saying she would study, but every time the mother's back was turned the girl just didn't. She procrastinated and procrastinated and procrastinated.
Through a LOT of effort on the part of the mother (who literally had to sit with her for many hours every single day and literally revise with her), whilst being met with nothing but resistance, the girl passed her GCSEs (not with amazing grades, but good enough to get into sixth form).
Now the girl is back to procrastinating - this time it's not just with academic work but also with her driving. She's failed her theory test already and now has it booked again, but she's doing everything in her power to procrastinate. She's doing awfully in practice theory tests. One of her A-Level subjects she's averaging at a D in (the other two aren't too bad but one has slipped from an A to a B). Her mother tells her to revise - she says she will, but then doesn't. She does everything BUT revise. She says she's been revising, but the grades aren't changing. She wants to go to an RG uni, but seems to just not want to put any work in.
She's so capable but she puts in next to no effort. The mother is pulling her hair out. Why is it so hard to get this girl to study?
It leads to arguments. The girl gets frustrated that the mother is constantly nagging. The mother is frustrated because she doesn't want to be constantly nagging. Yet the girl still hardly ever studies.
The father says that the girl will be 18 this year, and that there comes a point where the mother should just wash her hands of it all. It's the girl's life, she's not a baby, and ultimately if she fails everything she'll just have to go to uni when she's a mature student and maybe more responsible. He also says that if she fails the theory test again, the parents should stop paying for driving lessons.
The mother isn't sure. She feels as though if she stops pushing the girl, she'll have failed her responsibilities as a parent. She feels as though, even when the girl is an adult, it's her role to help her children no matter their age to achieve the lives they want to achieve. But the father says that if the girl really wants to learn to drive and go to uni, she has to help herself. He thinks the mother should just let it go, and let the girl make her own mistakes, because the mother has been pushing the girl now for several years and you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
So here's where the opinions are needed:
Teens - do your parents push you to study and to achieve things in life? Do you think that it's their job to encourage you even if you are resisting? Do you think that once you reach 18 you are capable of making your own decisions, and that your parents should back off?
Adults - did your parents push you and encourage you? Do you wish they had pushed you more? Do you look back and feel grateful (or resentful) for the way your parents were in regards to your education?
Parents - what would you do if you were the mother in this situation?
(edited 1 year ago)
Scroll to see replies
@PinkMobilePhone - it's not going to surprise you to read that I'm 100% with the dad here. She's an adult by this point, and if her mother doesn't allow her to make her own mistakes and, importantly, fail at something, then she's never going to able to cope with real life. The daughter has to learn that actions have consequences, and the consequence of choosing to do no work is that you underperform or fail at exams. Similarly, if she doesn't work at learning to drive, then she won't pass her test. Having her mother basically force her into doing these things is essentially doing this girl a grave disservice. She needs to fail at things - multiple things - before she realises that if you want something in life, you have to work for it. This sort of helicopter parenting the mother is doing leads to things like parents requesting that they be allowed to come into their child's Cambridge interview, or ringing up the HR department of a firm which the child has failed to gain employment at, demanding to speak to someone to find out why, when and how.
The mother just needs to back the **** off a bit, basically. Let the child fail - with the overriding caveat that both she and the father make it clear that they're always there for the child, and they will always support her. But support ≠ living her life for her.
The mother just needs to back the **** off a bit, basically. Let the child fail - with the overriding caveat that both she and the father make it clear that they're always there for the child, and they will always support her. But support ≠ living her life for her.
So I’m a teen? Kinda… just turned 20!
It’s really funny I’ve come across this because we’ve literally just had this whole conversation/argument over dinner with my 12 year old sister.
So me; I have always been very academic, but I hated reading. My mum growing up was very pushy, I did my 11+ and passed with a very high score so went to grammar school. I often struggled with motivating myself to revise and tbh still never read unless it was non fiction so that was our quid pro quo.
Lil backstory needed to understand but I have a medical condition where my body cannot deal with stress, stress is actually very dangerous for me- I don’t produce any cortisol so need meds to stay alive. I started getting very unwell in year 10, I was never a sickly child but when I get unwell it’s generally a week in hospital minimum bad. As I figured out fully what grades I needed to progress to the next stage of my life my mum could see the stress and pressure I was putting on myself. She took a step back, I would still get the odd ‘have you got any homework?’ Or ‘shouldn’t you be revising’ but it was more of a conversation thing rather than her nagging me. I put enough pressure on myself for the whole family and that remains to this day, I have an expectation of my grades and only when I see them slip do I kick myself and do something about it.
Now onto my sister; she’s the total opposite of me and I think it’s because of how we were raised. From birth there was never any pressure on her, my mum got me toilet trained, then reading and writing far sooner than my sister. There was never any pressure or rush with my sister it was all in her own time (not necessarily a bad thing). However this stemmed into her education where she was spoon fed, her dad (my step dad) would essentially do her work for her and it would just end in arguments constantly as he got frustrated, she learned very early on if she just pretended she didn’t understand then he would give her the answers.
I never got this, my mum would just leave me to get on with it. If I didn’t understand it was for me to ask for help but the work wasn’t done for me. This carried on throughout school.
My sister did sit her 11+ ( but whereas with me we looked at one school that wasn’t grammar and I asked what would happen if I didn’t pass the response I got was ‘that’s not an option’) and she did pretty badly- however she didn’t care at all and was totally indifferent to the fact she failed and tbh so was my mum. Don’t get me wrong having me go through grammar schools my mum saw it wasn’t the sunshine and rainbows she originally thought but with my sister now at a comprehensive the differences are glaring.
She had year 5 and 6 during covid and that was a nightmare in itself, again screaming rows across the house and my parents just doing the work for her out of frustration.
So coming to tonight, my parents have had a phone call about my sisters attendance going below 90%- again she has her dad wrapped around her finger and so can fake illness to get out of school- and they are trying to make her realise school is important. My sister is very creative and does incredibly well in acting but they still want her to do her best in school.
They often compare her to me which I’ve told them to stop doing because we are vastly different and understand it makes her feel like **** but there’s only so much one can do.
She is the way she is because they have held her hand too much, they’ve been on her case constantly and that just doesn’t work for everyone.
Sometimes I think they need to feel that failure in order to work a bit harder. If your daughter wants a RG she needs the grades, it may take for her to get shocking predicted grades and all rejections to sort herself out for her actual exams. The same for driving, she’s so lucky you are paying for her lessons- if she can’t be bothered why should you be? At some point you’ve got to say enough is enough and withdraw the life support so she can find out how to breathe in her own, she may stop a few times and you can be there to support but I think dad is right in that she’s almost an adult and can make these choices for herself now. These choices are not a reflection on your parenting or how good of a mother you are so please don’t take it personally. I won’t say it often because I’m a massive mum’s girl with a father not in the picture but in this scenario I am very much team Dad ☺️
It’s really funny I’ve come across this because we’ve literally just had this whole conversation/argument over dinner with my 12 year old sister.
So me; I have always been very academic, but I hated reading. My mum growing up was very pushy, I did my 11+ and passed with a very high score so went to grammar school. I often struggled with motivating myself to revise and tbh still never read unless it was non fiction so that was our quid pro quo.
Lil backstory needed to understand but I have a medical condition where my body cannot deal with stress, stress is actually very dangerous for me- I don’t produce any cortisol so need meds to stay alive. I started getting very unwell in year 10, I was never a sickly child but when I get unwell it’s generally a week in hospital minimum bad. As I figured out fully what grades I needed to progress to the next stage of my life my mum could see the stress and pressure I was putting on myself. She took a step back, I would still get the odd ‘have you got any homework?’ Or ‘shouldn’t you be revising’ but it was more of a conversation thing rather than her nagging me. I put enough pressure on myself for the whole family and that remains to this day, I have an expectation of my grades and only when I see them slip do I kick myself and do something about it.
Now onto my sister; she’s the total opposite of me and I think it’s because of how we were raised. From birth there was never any pressure on her, my mum got me toilet trained, then reading and writing far sooner than my sister. There was never any pressure or rush with my sister it was all in her own time (not necessarily a bad thing). However this stemmed into her education where she was spoon fed, her dad (my step dad) would essentially do her work for her and it would just end in arguments constantly as he got frustrated, she learned very early on if she just pretended she didn’t understand then he would give her the answers.
I never got this, my mum would just leave me to get on with it. If I didn’t understand it was for me to ask for help but the work wasn’t done for me. This carried on throughout school.
My sister did sit her 11+ ( but whereas with me we looked at one school that wasn’t grammar and I asked what would happen if I didn’t pass the response I got was ‘that’s not an option’) and she did pretty badly- however she didn’t care at all and was totally indifferent to the fact she failed and tbh so was my mum. Don’t get me wrong having me go through grammar schools my mum saw it wasn’t the sunshine and rainbows she originally thought but with my sister now at a comprehensive the differences are glaring.
She had year 5 and 6 during covid and that was a nightmare in itself, again screaming rows across the house and my parents just doing the work for her out of frustration.
So coming to tonight, my parents have had a phone call about my sisters attendance going below 90%- again she has her dad wrapped around her finger and so can fake illness to get out of school- and they are trying to make her realise school is important. My sister is very creative and does incredibly well in acting but they still want her to do her best in school.
They often compare her to me which I’ve told them to stop doing because we are vastly different and understand it makes her feel like **** but there’s only so much one can do.
She is the way she is because they have held her hand too much, they’ve been on her case constantly and that just doesn’t work for everyone.
Sometimes I think they need to feel that failure in order to work a bit harder. If your daughter wants a RG she needs the grades, it may take for her to get shocking predicted grades and all rejections to sort herself out for her actual exams. The same for driving, she’s so lucky you are paying for her lessons- if she can’t be bothered why should you be? At some point you’ve got to say enough is enough and withdraw the life support so she can find out how to breathe in her own, she may stop a few times and you can be there to support but I think dad is right in that she’s almost an adult and can make these choices for herself now. These choices are not a reflection on your parenting or how good of a mother you are so please don’t take it personally. I won’t say it often because I’m a massive mum’s girl with a father not in the picture but in this scenario I am very much team Dad ☺️
Original post by PinkMobilePhone
Okay I'm looking for a mix of ages when it comes to responses for this one, because I'm genuinely wanting to know the opinions of teens, adults, and other parents.
When it comes to encouraging stubborn teens to study, is there a point where the parent should just sort of back off and leave the teen to it (and basically chalk it up to being a life lesson if the teen doesn't get the results they would have wanted), or is it the parental role to keep pushing (regardless of the age of the teen) even if they are met with nothing but resistance?
Picture the scene:
Teenage girl aged 17 - in sixth form college (Year 12) doing A Levels.
All through GCSE years she was pushed by her mother to actually do studying. Every time she was supposed to be studying, she sneakily did other things (nothing bad, just not studying!)
She lied a lot and said she was studying, but wasn't, and it got to the point where her mother was pleading with her, cajoling her, bribing her, punishing her, everything. The carrot was given. The proverbial stick was given. The mother was banging her head against a brick wall. The daughter kept saying she would study, but every time the mother's back was turned the girl just didn't. She procrastinated and procrastinated and procrastinated.
Through a LOT of effort on the part of the mother (who literally had to sit with her for many hours every single day and literally revise with her), whilst being met with nothing but resistance, the girl passed her GCSEs (not with amazing grades, but good enough to get into sixth form).
Now the girl is back to procrastinating - this time it's not just with academic work but also with her driving. She's failed her theory test already and now has it booked again, but she's doing everything in her power to procrastinate. She's doing awfully in practice theory tests. One of her A-Level subjects she's averaging at a D in (the other two aren't too bad but one has slipped from an A to a B). Her mother tells her to revise - she says she will, but then doesn't. She does everything BUT revise. She says she's been revising, but the grades aren't changing. She wants to go to an RG uni, but seems to just not want to put any work in.
She's so capable but she puts in next to no effort. The mother is pulling her hair out. Why is it so hard to get this girl to study?
It leads to arguments. The girl gets frustrated that the mother is constantly nagging. The mother is frustrated because she doesn't want to be constantly nagging. Yet the girl still hardly ever studies.
The father says that the girl will be 18 this year, and that there comes a point where the mother should just wash her hands of it all. It's the girl's life, she's not a baby, and ultimately if she fails everything she'll just have to go to uni when she's a mature student and maybe more responsible. He also says that if she fails the theory test again, the parents should stop paying for driving lessons.
The mother isn't sure. She feels as though if she stops pushing the girl, she'll have failed her responsibilities as a parent. She feels as though, even when the girl is an adult, it's her role to help her children no matter their age to achieve the lives they want to achieve. But the father says that if the girl really wants to learn to drive and go to uni, she has to help herself. He thinks the mother should just let it go, and let the girl make her own mistakes, because the mother has been pushing the girl now for several years and you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
So here's where the opinions are needed:
Teens - do your parents push you to study and to achieve things in life? Do you think that it's their job to encourage you even if you are resisting? Do you think that once you reach 18 you are capable of making your own decisions, and that your parents should back off?
Adults - did your parents push you and encourage you? Do you wish they had pushed you more? Do you look back and feel grateful (or resentful) for the way your parents were in regards to your education?
Parents - what would you do if you were the mother in this situation?
When it comes to encouraging stubborn teens to study, is there a point where the parent should just sort of back off and leave the teen to it (and basically chalk it up to being a life lesson if the teen doesn't get the results they would have wanted), or is it the parental role to keep pushing (regardless of the age of the teen) even if they are met with nothing but resistance?
Picture the scene:
Teenage girl aged 17 - in sixth form college (Year 12) doing A Levels.
All through GCSE years she was pushed by her mother to actually do studying. Every time she was supposed to be studying, she sneakily did other things (nothing bad, just not studying!)
She lied a lot and said she was studying, but wasn't, and it got to the point where her mother was pleading with her, cajoling her, bribing her, punishing her, everything. The carrot was given. The proverbial stick was given. The mother was banging her head against a brick wall. The daughter kept saying she would study, but every time the mother's back was turned the girl just didn't. She procrastinated and procrastinated and procrastinated.
Through a LOT of effort on the part of the mother (who literally had to sit with her for many hours every single day and literally revise with her), whilst being met with nothing but resistance, the girl passed her GCSEs (not with amazing grades, but good enough to get into sixth form).
Now the girl is back to procrastinating - this time it's not just with academic work but also with her driving. She's failed her theory test already and now has it booked again, but she's doing everything in her power to procrastinate. She's doing awfully in practice theory tests. One of her A-Level subjects she's averaging at a D in (the other two aren't too bad but one has slipped from an A to a B). Her mother tells her to revise - she says she will, but then doesn't. She does everything BUT revise. She says she's been revising, but the grades aren't changing. She wants to go to an RG uni, but seems to just not want to put any work in.
She's so capable but she puts in next to no effort. The mother is pulling her hair out. Why is it so hard to get this girl to study?
It leads to arguments. The girl gets frustrated that the mother is constantly nagging. The mother is frustrated because she doesn't want to be constantly nagging. Yet the girl still hardly ever studies.
The father says that the girl will be 18 this year, and that there comes a point where the mother should just wash her hands of it all. It's the girl's life, she's not a baby, and ultimately if she fails everything she'll just have to go to uni when she's a mature student and maybe more responsible. He also says that if she fails the theory test again, the parents should stop paying for driving lessons.
The mother isn't sure. She feels as though if she stops pushing the girl, she'll have failed her responsibilities as a parent. She feels as though, even when the girl is an adult, it's her role to help her children no matter their age to achieve the lives they want to achieve. But the father says that if the girl really wants to learn to drive and go to uni, she has to help herself. He thinks the mother should just let it go, and let the girl make her own mistakes, because the mother has been pushing the girl now for several years and you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
So here's where the opinions are needed:
Teens - do your parents push you to study and to achieve things in life? Do you think that it's their job to encourage you even if you are resisting? Do you think that once you reach 18 you are capable of making your own decisions, and that your parents should back off?
Adults - did your parents push you and encourage you? Do you wish they had pushed you more? Do you look back and feel grateful (or resentful) for the way your parents were in regards to your education?
Parents - what would you do if you were the mother in this situation?
Parents naturally want the best.
I think at 17/18 you are at an age where you are still very immature, however you are old enough that ultimately the impetus for work needs to come from yourself, even if someone forces you study - in order to actually do well your studying will require focus & attentiveness (which will need to come from within).
what will make a great deal of difference is the culture, find ways for your naturally self-motivate herself, might require more inventiveness...
ultimately what will be will be, if she doesn’t do great you hope she learns a lesson - success isn’t a right or guarantee it is earned (and focus & hard work is the currency).
(edited 1 year ago)
Seems sort of unanimous so far then. Dad is right.
Do you think that it's their job to encourage you even if you are resisting?
Erm, I suppose perhaps itd be their job to be curious about my procrastination. like am I struggling with motivation, easily distracted, bored, worried about trying really hard but failing anyway, etc and then work together from there, ig?...
Erm, I suppose perhaps itd be their job to be curious about my procrastination. like am I struggling with motivation, easily distracted, bored, worried about trying really hard but failing anyway, etc and then work together from there, ig?...
I’m a teen, so here’s my opinion. My parents push me, it’s always been like that. When I started secondary school, they told me I’d do it myself. And I did, for the most part. The only thing my mum helps me with right now is maths, which I struggle with. All the other subjects I do it all myself. My mum has always raised me to be a high achiever, the only thing keeping me going with my revision is to keep achieving high, so I don’t disappoint my parents. My parents will also nag. They’ll tell me if I don’t get good enough results, and don’t work hard enough, I can’t become a doctor. Doctors need to be driven and motivated or smth.
I think your parents should encourage, but not force. My friends mum literally dragged him through his first year exams, and he did ok. Then she told him, I’ll leave you to it now, and he did pretty badly in the summer. In second year, he tried, and his mum still helped him, but his grades got higher. Because he was actually trying not to fail, because he saw how it made him feel, his grades got higher. Now he will brag about his As and Bs, and he saw how good it made him feel! Honestly most parents I’ve heard with kids like that just leave them to it, until they learn they have to start doing something different.
Once you reach 18, it’s up to you. If the kid wants to go to a RG university, they should try to study some more. Motivation doesn’t come, you have to make it. I promise if you work hard, it’ll pay off. And really, is that tiktok video worth missing out on a well paid, prestigious job?
I think your parents should encourage, but not force. My friends mum literally dragged him through his first year exams, and he did ok. Then she told him, I’ll leave you to it now, and he did pretty badly in the summer. In second year, he tried, and his mum still helped him, but his grades got higher. Because he was actually trying not to fail, because he saw how it made him feel, his grades got higher. Now he will brag about his As and Bs, and he saw how good it made him feel! Honestly most parents I’ve heard with kids like that just leave them to it, until they learn they have to start doing something different.
Once you reach 18, it’s up to you. If the kid wants to go to a RG university, they should try to study some more. Motivation doesn’t come, you have to make it. I promise if you work hard, it’ll pay off. And really, is that tiktok video worth missing out on a well paid, prestigious job?
Sending best wishes...
Here are some ideas to think about.
1. Revision is boring & often people hate it. Ask your daughter to look at some of Jack Edwards youtube videos. He made study videos during A levels and during his Durham Uni days. Jack is cheerful and motivating. (Ruby Granger is another famous study tuber but sometimes seems to emphasise time spent studying instead of the quality of the study activities.)
2. Stay involved with the intention of sharing the pain of studying. I have been known to question a restless teenager while they paced around the room. This encourages 'active recall'. Making and using Anki flashcards is also useful.
3. Keep talking with your daughter to understand any reasons for the procrastination. (Anxiety, fear, boredom, too quiet, tiredness, poor relationship with teacher, peer pressure to not work, friend issues, too much energy to sit still etc.) Maybe install an app that limits time on social media?
4. Plan a gap year instead of a uni application. This will give your daughter time to mature and find a focus. Postpone all driving activities until then. (If your daughter really wants to leave home this may motivate her to focus on A levels).
5. Don't apply pressure for high grades as this just leads to more stress and a lack of sleep the night before exams. Your daughter's potential, interests and strengths may be fully realised in many different places/jobs that she has not yet considered.
6. Remind your daughter to look at the A level specifications so she has a good overview of what she will learn. There may be some topics where she needs to look for info on-line to supplement the school teaching. Also, there is a lot to learn from looking at the mark schemes. Do keep an eye on deadline dates for coursework/projects.
7. Schedule 'downtime' when A levels/Uni etc cannot be discussed. Be happy together.
Here are some ideas to think about.
1. Revision is boring & often people hate it. Ask your daughter to look at some of Jack Edwards youtube videos. He made study videos during A levels and during his Durham Uni days. Jack is cheerful and motivating. (Ruby Granger is another famous study tuber but sometimes seems to emphasise time spent studying instead of the quality of the study activities.)
2. Stay involved with the intention of sharing the pain of studying. I have been known to question a restless teenager while they paced around the room. This encourages 'active recall'. Making and using Anki flashcards is also useful.
3. Keep talking with your daughter to understand any reasons for the procrastination. (Anxiety, fear, boredom, too quiet, tiredness, poor relationship with teacher, peer pressure to not work, friend issues, too much energy to sit still etc.) Maybe install an app that limits time on social media?
4. Plan a gap year instead of a uni application. This will give your daughter time to mature and find a focus. Postpone all driving activities until then. (If your daughter really wants to leave home this may motivate her to focus on A levels).
5. Don't apply pressure for high grades as this just leads to more stress and a lack of sleep the night before exams. Your daughter's potential, interests and strengths may be fully realised in many different places/jobs that she has not yet considered.
6. Remind your daughter to look at the A level specifications so she has a good overview of what she will learn. There may be some topics where she needs to look for info on-line to supplement the school teaching. Also, there is a lot to learn from looking at the mark schemes. Do keep an eye on deadline dates for coursework/projects.
7. Schedule 'downtime' when A levels/Uni etc cannot be discussed. Be happy together.
Original post by PinkMobilePhone
X
Hello PMP,
I’m currently 20 years old, so just a little bit older than your daughter. Both my mother and father are present in my lives, but they both have extremely different parenting techniques - my mother is negatively heavily involved and my father is completely uninvolved. Now, let me explain in detail what I mean by that! My mother places a very heavy emphasis on ‘what will others think if you fail?’, so she made it her life’s mission up until the start of this year to make sure I did well in whatever I chose to do. This didn’t always work, and I would end up failing miserably sometimes due to the pressure she placed upon me. My extended family noticed this very early on and gave her the same advice that your husband is telling you (let her figure it out herself). This year (yes, after 20 years), my mother finally listened and left me alone. I’ve quite simply never been happier. My grades are improving and I don’t feel stressed out.
My father, on the other hand, is completely uninvolved. I could write an entire book on his absence as a parental figure. He’s always been a bit of a workaholic and never really made much time for me. Whenever he was around, I would try and make an effort by telling him about my day at school, though he never asked. Never listened and sort of cut the conversation short. Though, as soon as I asked about his day, he would go on for hours. I’ve noticed he can sometimes be disrespectful of women, enjoys mansplaining things and can be extremely controlling of me and my mother. Not to mention, things have to be done his way or the highway. I realise that I’ve sort of randomly waffled a few things about things about my father, but there is far too much to say about him to say and I could type for hours. My point is, is it hasn’t been great having an overly controlling mother and a completely absent father. I do wish I had a parent who would guide me but still let me make my own decisions.
It’s important that you strike a balance. Don’t become so over-involved that your daughter starts seeing you as a helicopter parent and don’t become so uninvolved that she feels you don’t care about her at all.
@Reality Check, as usual, has the best advice. ‘Let the child fail - with the overriding caveat that both she and the father make it clear that they're always there for the child, and they will always support her.’
I wish my parents thought that way. Maybe, I would’ve turned out a bit better!
(edited 1 year ago)
You've all given me... erm I mean the mother in this obviously entirely hypothetical situation 
... a lot to think about.
It's hard to back off and not feel as though I'm sort of shirking my responsibilities, however you're all making good points.
... a lot to think about.It's hard to back off and not feel as though I'm sort of shirking my responsibilities, however you're all making good points.
Original post by PinkMobilePhone
You've all given me... erm I mean the mother in this obviously entirely hypothetical situation ... a lot to think about.
It's hard to back off and not feel as though I'm sort of shirking my responsibilities, however you're all making good points.
... a lot to think about.It's hard to back off and not feel as though I'm sort of shirking my responsibilities, however you're all making good points.
Have you tried having a conversation with your daughter and discussing what she wants from you?
(edited 1 year ago)
Original post by PinkMobilePhone
You've all given me... erm I mean the mother in this obviously entirely hypothetical situation ... a lot to think about.
It's hard to back off and not feel as though I'm sort of shirking my responsibilities, however you're all making good points.
... a lot to think about.It's hard to back off and not feel as though I'm sort of shirking my responsibilities, however you're all making good points.
What degree might she want to do? Encourage her to look at the grades she will need - clearly more than she is achieving now. Why RG as well? It's irrelevant for most degrees and the assessment style of a non-RG might work better for her.
Which subjects if she doing? Perhaps we can point to some engaging resources? What do her teachers say? They should be engaging her with studying too - is not down to you
PM me if you want as I deal with reluctant students a lot!
(edited 1 year ago)
Original post by PinkMobilePhone
Seems sort of unanimous so far then. Dad is right.
Or is he?If she was 13 or 14 you could try the fail the exams and let's see if that works strategy but if she ends up with no A levels her life choices are going to be severely limited.Driving can wait.Uni probably should wait as may not be right for her now or at all
I would also suggest she is screened for ADHD and autism .This is often missed in girl's and presents differently than in boys.You cannot hover over them forever but I would suggest year 12 is not the time to throw your hands up.A mumx
Plus not a mum who would have considered this until my daughter dropped out of uni in second year despite appearing to be doing well.Her mental health deteriorated rapidly while there.Recently diagnosed with both.
Her story ties closely to your daughter's.
Her story ties closely to your daughter's.
Original post by Muttley79
What degree might she want to do? Encourage her to look at the grades she will need - clearly more than she is achieving now. Why RG as well? It's irrelevant for most degrees and the assessment style of a non-RG might work better for her.
Which subjects if she doing? Perhaps we can point to some engaging resources? What do her teachers say? They should be engaging her with studying too - is not down to you
PM me if you want as I deal with reluctant students a lot!
Which subjects if she doing? Perhaps we can point to some engaging resources? What do her teachers say? They should be engaging her with studying too - is not down to you
PM me if you want as I deal with reluctant students a lot!
She's doing Art, Classical Civilisation, and English Language.
Class Civ has dropped from an A to a B
Art is currently holding steady at a B
English is at a D and showing no signs of improving.
She wants to do Class Civ at uni. She has her heart set on the University of Leeds in particular, mostly because she already knows the uni fairly well as her sixth form college is directly over the road from it, and she likes the city.
She'd be eligible for contextual offers, which at Leeds is BBC, so it's not entirely out of grasp, but I'm concerned about the English, and I'm not sure whether or not she'll keep the Art and Class Civ from slipping.
Her teachers haven't really said a great deal. At least not to me. There was a parent-teacher evening in November (which really just consisted of me getting a phone call from the Art teacher, and emails from the Class Civ and English teachers) both of which didn't really give me a lot to go on. The English teacher said she's below target but she was sure she'd do better in her January CAP test... except she didn't, she still got a D (and the Class Civ dropped, as I say, from the A to the B).
I've asked daughter if she wants me to get her an English tutor, but she said no - she said she understands everything well, she just needs to revise... so she does acknowledge that she needs to put the work in... it's just a matter of her actually doing it!
Original post by 5hyl33n
Have you tried having a conversation with your daughter and discussing what she wants from you?
"I don't know" is the best I can get out of her.
I asked if she's sure she wants to carry on with A-Levels, and asked if she wouldn't prefer switching to BTECs instead, but she's quite adamant she wants to carry on. I was like "well okay but then you have to actually study", and I get "I know, I will" from her... but then it seems to be all talk and very little action on her part.
Original post by Anonymous
Or is he?If she was 13 or 14 you could try the fail the exams and let's see if that works strategy but if she ends up with no A levels her life choices are going to be severely limited.Driving can wait.Uni probably should wait as may not be right for her now or at all
I would also suggest she is screened for ADHD and autism .This is often missed in girl's and presents differently than in boys.You cannot hover over them forever but I would suggest year 12 is not the time to throw your hands up.A mumx
I would also suggest she is screened for ADHD and autism .This is often missed in girl's and presents differently than in boys.You cannot hover over them forever but I would suggest year 12 is not the time to throw your hands up.A mumx
It has crossed my mind to be honest. I think it's crossed her mind too.
She's always been a little, I dunno how to put it - different. It's not impossible.
She gets a bit overwhelmed with things sometimes - like if she has a day out with her friends, she enjoys herself, but then after that she wants to isolate herself for several days because she says it can be draining to be social for a full day.
Yet she's not an introvert, she loves seeing her friends and going out. It's as though she can only handle it in small doses though.
Likewise when it comes to watching films or TV programmes, she can't handle watching anything for more than once a week because she says it "takes a lot out of her", which I can't relate to at all.
She also likes sleeping on the wooden floor even though she has a really comfortable bed. No idea if that means anything. She does sleep more in the bed now than she used to, but when she was younger she never slept in it, she just slept on the hard floor.
(edited 1 year ago)
Yep so was mine!As I say I am not the type to try and use any excuse to get my child extra time etc in exams and we all know them, but this is something that we plainly missed despite several signs that now with hindsight were clearly there.Her cousin was recently diagnosed aged 30 unknown to us until daughter disclosed her diagnosis.
It's hard because I've got her brother in Year 11 trying to pass three I/GCSEs this year, and he has short term memory problems (from pneumococcal meningoencephalitis) so I'm having to devote a lot of time helping him to revise (it's not his fault, he tries really hard but his memory is shot), so I'm kind of fed up of having to (metaphorically) kick daughter up the butt to do some work, whilst I'm trying to focus on getting her brother through his exams. I'd hoped that once she started sixth form college, she would be a bit more independent with her studying.
Thing is, daughter went through meningitis too (viral though, not the same as her brother), and now has to live with tinnitus as a result, so because I'm acutely aware of the fact that that people can be affected long term from meningitis (often in ways that are outwardly invisible), part of me wonders if she could have been affected in some way from it that is causing this lack of studying, but realistically I don't think so. I mean, viral meningitis can't cause someone to procrastinate rather than study, surely.
Thing is, daughter went through meningitis too (viral though, not the same as her brother), and now has to live with tinnitus as a result, so because I'm acutely aware of the fact that that people can be affected long term from meningitis (often in ways that are outwardly invisible), part of me wonders if she could have been affected in some way from it that is causing this lack of studying, but realistically I don't think so. I mean, viral meningitis can't cause someone to procrastinate rather than study, surely.
Okay I just saw your edited post and snap on everything except the floor!Daughter says she used to try and study but nothing went in.Apparently it effects her ability to process information.This is all new to us and we are still finding things out but thought I should share it just so you could rule it out or in accordingly.
You have my sympathies I know exactly how exhausting this situation is.Her Gcse's nearly finished me!
The elder one sailed through it all with obscenely great results and I can honestly say I did nothing but feed and house them.Had everyone congratulating me on that one!
You have my sympathies I know exactly how exhausting this situation is.Her Gcse's nearly finished me!
The elder one sailed through it all with obscenely great results and I can honestly say I did nothing but feed and house them.Had everyone congratulating me on that one!
Original post by Anonymous
Okay I just saw your edited post and snap on everything except the floor!Daughter says she used to try and study but nothing went in.Apparently it effects her ability to process information.This is all new to us and we are still finding things out but thought I should share it just so you could rule it out or in accordingly.
You have my sympathies I know exactly how exhausting this situation is.Her Gcse's nearly finished me!
The elder one sailed through it all with obscenely great results and I can honestly say I did nothing but feed and house them.Had everyone congratulating me on that one!
You have my sympathies I know exactly how exhausting this situation is.Her Gcse's nearly finished me!
The elder one sailed through it all with obscenely great results and I can honestly say I did nothing but feed and house them.Had everyone congratulating me on that one!
My third eldest (Year 8) is breezing through everything. He's taking his second IGCSE this year and doesn't ask me to help him with anything. He just gets on with everything and gets great results.
I don't deserve any credit for that one at all, it's all on him.
I do not know about meningitis but quick Google says long term concentration and memory problems so maybe.But she as I said she is displaying virtually identical behaviour to my daughter so food for thought anyway.
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Med Parents Community
- Glasgow School of Art | interview response
- told my friend i like him
- Art History PhD Timeline
- becoming a tutor!
- help!! regular sixth form or grammar?
- 999 call handler
- He's still on tinder after 3 dates
- Drama Studio London 2022
- dietetics UEA
- I think I’m going to get a third :/
- Do you have any tips for online dating and matching with older men?
- Subjects for economics
- Dad doesn't love me
- my boyfriend failed his gcse
- hiding a relationship from indian parents :(
- when does usually universities issue CAS document?
- How do you guys stay organised in a shared flat?
- Any negatives of Christ's college?
- Creeped out
Latest
Trending
Last reply 1 week ago
I failed my GCSE'S my parents said they are disgusted with meLast reply 1 week ago
parents aren't letting me go on a uni residential - what do i do?Last reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutLast reply 3 weeks ago
How do I cut off parents at the start of my University year?Trending
Last reply 1 week ago
I failed my GCSE'S my parents said they are disgusted with meLast reply 1 week ago
parents aren't letting me go on a uni residential - what do i do?Last reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutLast reply 3 weeks ago
How do I cut off parents at the start of my University year?
