How to get a girlfriend at university [2nd year]

Hi, I will be starting 2nd year at Imperial next month.
I've only been in one relationship (lasted about 14 months).
I would really like to get a girlfriend again but my course literally lacks girls I would be interested in (the gender ratio is like 8-2 or even 9-1). Similar issue in the societies I am in. I also do not like to drink that much, so it's difficult for me to just "go to the bar" and whatnot.
Any suggestions?

Reply 1

Surnia

20

Don't worry about getting a girlfriend whilst you're at uni. Just work hard at your studies and enjoy your time.

Reply 2

oceanzhu0912

6

Why did your last relationship of 14 months end?
Before considering to start a new one, did you work out why the last one failed and if you are ready to actually start another one?

Reply 3

StriderHort

21

Original post by Surnia

enjoy your time.

Just as long as you enjoy it alone :tongue:

Reply 4

Old Skool Freak

20

Original post by Anonymous

Hi, I will be starting 2nd year at Imperial next month.
I've only been in one relationship (lasted about 14 months).
I would really like to get a girlfriend again but my course literally lacks girls I would be interested in (the gender ratio is like 8-2 or even 9-1). Similar issue in the societies I am in. I also do not like to drink that much, so it's difficult for me to just "go to the bar" and whatnot.
Any suggestions?

Seriously, what do you want us to say?!? :dontknow:

You've pretty much shot down all the suggestions people here would have given you... I mean, we can offer advice, opinions etc. but we can't work miracles. The way I see it, you've got five options:-

1) Force yourself to go to the bar. You don't have to drink if you don't want to. You've got Freshers week this month, why not make the most of that before course commitments get the better of you? It's only morally dubious if you try and do something sexual with a drunk / high girl. It's perfectly acceptable to chat to someone and take their number, SM contact etc.

2) Be more open minded about your hobbies/ interests and think of some where there might be some girls. Go for a "taster" session (they'll normally let you watch for free, and there's no commitment) , you never know, you might actually like whatever it is. Even if you don't, at least you KNOW it's not for you, rather than writing it off without giving it a chance.

3) Consider the girls that are on your course etc. I've found that if you're more open minded about the kind of person you do date, you may discover that you're compatible with far more people than you originally thought. What's more, you may find you develop in ways you never imagined or thought possible.

4) Try you luck dating online. However, unless you're good looking or you know how to create / write a decent profile, the odds are against you... but hey, you never know, you might get lucky.

5) Forget about girls for now, focus on you studies and building a stable foundation for yourself, and come up with a plan after uni. It's only what? 20 months away, so almost the same length as your relationship. Once you leave, literally, the world is your oyster (e.g. if you travel, it's supposed to be an even better opportunity to meet people than Uni).

There you have it. Those are your options. You're at Imperial College ffs, so you must be reasonably smart, couldn't you have worked this out yourself?

(edited 7 months ago)

Reply 5

Anonymous #2

I'm in a similar situation, although I've just finished second year and I never had a relationship before university either.

I'm doing a STEM Subject that's 85% male and in a similar situation with the societies I've tried, and I don't enjoy typical student activities like clubbing or bars either.

Reply 6

Old Skool Freak

20

Original post by Anonymous

I'm in a similar situation, although I've just finished second year and I never had a relationship before university either.

I'm doing a STEM Subject that's 85% male and in a similar situation with the societies I've tried, and I don't enjoy typical student activities like clubbing or bars either.

In that case, what I wrote applies to you also.

Nothing's going to change without a conscious and determined effort from you, and there's no fairy Godmother to wave a magic wand and make everything better. So if you really want a girlfriend, you're going to have to start doing things differently and forcing yourself to do things you may not like or are comfortable doing (for the greater good). Otherwise, just accept your fate

It's that old saying, "If you want to make an omelette, you'll need to beat eggs"

(edited 7 months ago)

Horse riding society

Original post by Old Skool Freak

In that case, what I wrote applies to you also.

Nothing's going to change without a conscious and determined effort from you, and there's no fairy Godmother to wave a magic wand and make everything better. So if you really want a girlfriend, you're going to have to start doing things differently and forcing yourself to do things you may not like or are comfortable doing (for the greater good). Otherwise, just accept your fate

It's that old saying, "If you want to make an omelette, you'll need to beat eggs"

I thought that going to things you have no interest in just to meet women was considered to be in bad taste. Not that it would help in my case.

Reply 9

Old Skool Freak

20

Original post by Anonymous

I thought that going to things you have no interest in just to meet women was considered to be in bad taste. Not that it would help in my case.

I never said to "go to things you have no interest in just to meet women", I said to be a bit more open minded about the things that might be of interest to you and ask yourself what the male / female ratio is there. See what that activity is like and decide whether or not it's something you can get into.

Besides, that's just ONE option I listed, out of several. The main point you should be taking from my post is that you need to get proactive and start doing things differently... otherwise nothing is going to change, and you'll end up in your 30's, 40's 50's etc. alone never experiencing love or women. TBF, some people are OK with that... but the fact that people are posting about on this thread suggests you and the OP don't want to end up middle aged / senior citizen alone.

(edited 7 months ago)

Reply 10

Gazpacho.

11

The answer to this question is straight forward:

1. Put yourself in social situations where you will meet women.
2. Talk to them.

Reply 11

Anonymous #2

Original post by Old Skool Freak

I never said to "go to things you have no interest in just to meet women", I said to be a bit more open minded about the things that might be of interest to you and ask yourself what the male / female ratio is there. See what that activity is like and decide whether or not it's something you can get into.

Besides, that's just ONE option I listed, out of several. The main point you should be taking from my post is that you need to get proactive and start doing things differently... otherwise nothing is going to change, and you'll end up in your 30's, 40's 50's etc. alone never experiencing love or women. TBF, some people are OK with that... but the fact that people are posting about on this thread suggests you and the OP don't want to end up middle aged / senior citizen alone.

I've tried most of those things at some point.

The problem is that I can't think of anything to say when trying to talk to people. Often they think I'm shy because I never say anything (while true, it doesn't really get in the way of stuff anymore), but in reality it's because my brain just isn't able to cope with the spontaneity, wit, and emotional intelligence required for conversation. As a result people find me boring and have no incentive to interact with me.

I could talk for ages about my (incredibly niche and generally considered boring/weird) interests, but I'm completely incapable of normal conversation, let alone anything flirty/romantic.

Reply 12

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous

Hi, I will be starting 2nd year at Imperial next month.
I've only been in one relationship (lasted about 14 months).
I would really like to get a girlfriend again but my course literally lacks girls I would be interested in (the gender ratio is like 8-2 or even 9-1). Similar issue in the societies I am in. I also do not like to drink that much, so it's difficult for me to just "go to the bar" and whatnot.
Any suggestions?

tbh you've just gotta be yourself, open minded and put yourself in situations to meet people. btw what's your course...unrelated to your problem but I'm a girl starting at imperial for first year in STEM course and I'd completely forgotten gender ratio was a thing and the thought go 9-1 scares me a bit haha

Reply 13

Old Skool Freak

20

Original post by Anonymous

I've tried most of those things at some point.

It's all well & good you saying that you've "tried" all of those things at some point, but how much focus, effort determination was involved? If you want to succeed in life or get good at anything, it will require some perseverance; not giving up when the going gets tough.

Even those with a natural talent for something... if they want to become the very best, they will still require a significant amount of dedication, practice, nurturing etc. which will inevitably involve a degree of failure, frustration etc. This is the case for anything; whether it's being a sports star or pop star... or even getting to live the life you want to.

Did you critique yourself where and when you went wrong? Did you try learning and improving on any mistakes?

The problem is that I can't think of anything to say when trying to talk to people. Often they think I'm shy because I never say anything (while true, it doesn't really get in the way of stuff anymore), but in reality it's because my brain just isn't able to cope with the spontaneity, wit, and emotional intelligence required for conversation. As a result people find me boring and have no incentive to interact with me.

Alrighty, well as I alluded to on multiple occasions, girls like to talk about themselves and their "Oh-So-Interesting" lives. The guys who get ahead are those who can pay attention and show that they've listened to her. Rather than talking for the sake of talking, have you tried showing an interest in her as a person (No, I don't mean what she looks like naked, you dirty boy)

You can try and implement the FOREplay mnemonic... it's often thought of a tool for that initial "getting to know you" stage, but with the right skill, it can be used to find out those hidden things about someone (e.g. I've never told anyone that before). Here's a basic overview:-

F= Family:- Does she have any siblings? What town / city / country is she from etc.
O= Occupation:- What does she do or want to do as a living, is it "just a job", a career or a passion?
R= Recreation:- What does she like to do in her spare time? What are her interests / hobbies? Hell, you can even chat about the latest Reality TV craze or EastEnders plot
E= Education:- How is she finding Uni? What were her school days like (were they happy days or best forgotten, was she a cool kid or a book-worm?).

The key thing here is you need to come across as pleasantly intrigued, without coming across as "nosey" or like you're giving her a Spanish Inquisition. Obviously avoid asking any questions that are too personal, and stay away from deep subjects like religion or politics. Getting good at it will take a bit of practice, and TBH, it's OK to make mistakes...if you find you've offended someone or overstepped the mark, simply apologise and quickly change the subject. If you can see the person isn't interested in talking, then make your excuses and leave. I would avoid trying to "force" a conversation, unless you HAVE to do so (for whatever reason).

Smiling when talking /listening also helps create a good impression... obviously only when it's appropriate, I think people would be pretty freaked out if you're smiling constantly when talking (unless you're at a rave, maybe... or you've got your own TV gameshow lol)

I could talk for ages about my (incredibly niche and generally considered boring/weird) interests, but I'm completely incapable of normal conversation, let alone anything flirty/romantic.

Well the only way you're going to improve is to practice... anyway, if I were you, I'd forget about flirting / romance and concentrate on building the foundations. I'm sure you know the children's song about the wise man who built his house on the rocks and foolish man who built his house on the sand.

(edited 7 months ago)

Reply 14

Anonymous #2

Original post by Old Skool Freak

It's all well & good you saying that you've "tried" all of those things at some point, but how much focus, effort determination was involved? If you want to succeed in life or get good at anything, it will require some perseverance; not giving up when the going gets tough.

Even those with a natural talent for something... if they want to become the very best, they will still require a significant amount of dedication, practice, nurturing etc. which will inevitably involve a degree of failure, frustration etc. This is the case for anything; whether it's being a sports star or pop star... or even getting to live the life you want to.

Did you critique yourself where and when you went wrong? Did you try learning and improving on any mistakes?

Alrighty, well as I alluded to on multiple occasions, girls like to talk about themselves and their "Oh-So-Interesting" lives. The guys who get ahead are those who can pay attention and show that they've listened to her. Rather than talking for the sake of talking, have you tried showing an interest in her as a person (No, I don't mean what she looks like naked, you dirty boy)

You can try and implement the FOREplay mnemonic... it's often thought of a tool for that initial "getting to know you" stage, but with the right skill, it can be used to find out those hidden things about someone (e.g. I've never told anyone that before). Here's a basic overview:-

F= Family:- Does she have any siblings? What town / city / country is she from etc.
O= Occupation:- What does she do or want to do as a living, is it "just a job", a career or a passion?
R= Recreation:- What does she like to do in her spare time? What are her interests / hobbies? Hell, you can even chat about the latest Reality TV craze or EastEnders plot
E= Education:- How is she finding Uni? What were her school days like (were they happy days or best forgotten, was she a cool kid or a book-worm?).

The key thing here is you need to come across as pleasantly intrigued, without coming across as "nosey" or like you're giving her a Spanish Inquisition. Obviously avoid asking any questions that are too personal, and stay away from deep subjects like religion or politics. Getting good at it will take a bit of practice, and TBH, it's OK to make mistakes...if you find you've offended someone or overstepped the mark, simply apologise and quickly change the subject. If you can see the person isn't interested in talking, then make your excuses and leave. I would avoid trying to "force" a conversation, unless you HAVE to do so (for whatever reason).

Smiling when talking /listening also helps create a good impression... obviously only when it's appropriate, I think people would be pretty freaked out if you're smiling constantly when talking (unless you're at a rave, maybe... or you've got your own TV gameshow lol)

Well the only way you're going to improve is to practice... anyway, if I were you, I'd forget about flirting / romance and concentrate on building the foundations. I'm sure you know the children's song about the wise man who built his house on the rocks and foolish man who built his house on the sand.

The things I tried I kept doing for months/years, and attended each thing between once a month and several times a week. Every time gets the same result, I'm completely unable to get any further than being casual acquaintances with someone.

I've heard the advice to ask questions before, but it all goes out the window when I actually try to action it since my mind goes blank in any actual conversation, so I end up struggling through an awkward conversation until the other person decides that it's not worth it.

In my case it's more like trying to build a house over a bottomless pit. No matter how much concrete I pour down the hole it never fills up.