Gone Behind my Back to See a Friend Who Fancies Her ADVICE NEEDED
Hi,
My girlfriend of 4 years has done something quite bad. The other day she said she was going home to her parents for a week. However i've since found out that that was a lie, and she's made a 4 hour journey to Manchester to stay with a (male) friend for a week. The friend she's gone to stay with has tried to get with her numerous times in the past. Now she is spending a week sleeping in the same room as him.
I've confronted her about this and she thinks she's done nothing wrong, asides from lying about where she was going. She says she just wants to see Manchester and get away for a bit.
I'm livid. Not only has she betrayed my trust by going behind my back. She's also sleeping in the same room as, and spending 24 hours a day with, someone that obviously fancies her. She say's she hasn't slept with him, but this isnt normal behaviour of someone in a relationship.
Tell me i'm not mental. I've got a good reason to be mad right?
My girlfriend of 4 years has done something quite bad. The other day she said she was going home to her parents for a week. However i've since found out that that was a lie, and she's made a 4 hour journey to Manchester to stay with a (male) friend for a week. The friend she's gone to stay with has tried to get with her numerous times in the past. Now she is spending a week sleeping in the same room as him.
I've confronted her about this and she thinks she's done nothing wrong, asides from lying about where she was going. She says she just wants to see Manchester and get away for a bit.
I'm livid. Not only has she betrayed my trust by going behind my back. She's also sleeping in the same room as, and spending 24 hours a day with, someone that obviously fancies her. She say's she hasn't slept with him, but this isnt normal behaviour of someone in a relationship.
Tell me i'm not mental. I've got a good reason to be mad right?
Scroll to see replies
Nah, you're not mental, I'd be furious. Yes, you're supposed to trust her, but she's not meant to lie about where she's going, particularly not such a blatant lie as that.
If that happened to me, I'd be really annoyed too. The fact that she seems to think it's no big deal is just fuel to the fire.
If that happened to me, I'd be really annoyed too. The fact that she seems to think it's no big deal is just fuel to the fire.
This is almost exactly what my girlfriend (ex) did.
I caught her trying to get this guy mate, who fancies her, to come down to hers and stay for 4 nights behind my back, on two seperate occasions, but it was probably more i didnt find out.
She admitted she would never be ok with me doing that, at the time she was "so so sorry" and suddenly discovered i meant so much to her when i wanted to end it. So i took her back and a week later she ends it, and apparently she did nothing wrong and i'm crazy and controlling.
****ing women man.
I caught her trying to get this guy mate, who fancies her, to come down to hers and stay for 4 nights behind my back, on two seperate occasions, but it was probably more i didnt find out.
She admitted she would never be ok with me doing that, at the time she was "so so sorry" and suddenly discovered i meant so much to her when i wanted to end it. So i took her back and a week later she ends it, and apparently she did nothing wrong and i'm crazy and controlling.
****ing women man.
I can't really talk as my male friends don't try and get with me, and I can imagine that would be a difficult situation, however if her and this guy are good friends, even if he does/did at one point fancy her, she probably isn't going to want to cut off contact.
Look at it from her point of view, she knew you would disapprove and be angry when she visited her friend, hence why she lied and went behind your back. She probably didn't want the drama. I have done similar things in the past in relationships where guys have had issues with me seeing or staying with certain male friends. However, I think this is a very good sign the relationship is not meant to be.
At the end of the day, either she has decent intentions and just wants to see her friend, and you have a problem with trusting her not to do anything, or she is cheating on you. Either way I'm not really sure the relationship is worth persuing further.
Look at it from her point of view, she knew you would disapprove and be angry when she visited her friend, hence why she lied and went behind your back. She probably didn't want the drama. I have done similar things in the past in relationships where guys have had issues with me seeing or staying with certain male friends. However, I think this is a very good sign the relationship is not meant to be.
At the end of the day, either she has decent intentions and just wants to see her friend, and you have a problem with trusting her not to do anything, or she is cheating on you. Either way I'm not really sure the relationship is worth persuing further.
Original post by Teemo
Hi,
My girlfriend of 4 years has done something quite bad. The other day she said she was going home to her parents for a week. However i've since found out that that was a lie, and she's made a 4 hour journey to Manchester to stay with a (male) friend for a week. The friend she's gone to stay with has tried to get with her numerous times in the past. Now she is spending a week sleeping in the same room as him.
I've confronted her about this and she thinks she's done nothing wrong, asides from lying about where she was going. She says she just wants to see Manchester and get away for a bit.
I'm livid. Not only has she betrayed my trust by going behind my back. She's also sleeping in the same room as, and spending 24 hours a day with, someone that obviously fancies her. She say's she hasn't slept with him, but this isnt normal behaviour of someone in a relationship.
Tell me i'm not mental. I've got a good reason to be mad right?
My girlfriend of 4 years has done something quite bad. The other day she said she was going home to her parents for a week. However i've since found out that that was a lie, and she's made a 4 hour journey to Manchester to stay with a (male) friend for a week. The friend she's gone to stay with has tried to get with her numerous times in the past. Now she is spending a week sleeping in the same room as him.
I've confronted her about this and she thinks she's done nothing wrong, asides from lying about where she was going. She says she just wants to see Manchester and get away for a bit.
I'm livid. Not only has she betrayed my trust by going behind my back. She's also sleeping in the same room as, and spending 24 hours a day with, someone that obviously fancies her. She say's she hasn't slept with him, but this isnt normal behaviour of someone in a relationship.
Tell me i'm not mental. I've got a good reason to be mad right?
Of course you got good reason.
If she thinks shes done nothing wrong, then why did she lie to you about it all. Thats the major sticking point, why exactly, got to be a reason.....the possible reasons are very worrying. And if she just wants to see manchester then why not a hostel or something.
Especially as its someone whos tried to get with her or tried something, and if these things happened while together, I can only say something may happen.
I just don't know to be frank, maybe you know someone else there who can keep an eye or something, or simply just show her your detest.
I only honestly hate having to see on the tsr feeds stories like this, especially where the girl cheats and cries.....it justs upsetting.
Original post by redferry
I can't really talk as my male friends don't try and get with me, and I can imagine that would be a difficult situation, however if her and this guy are good friends, even if he does/did at one point fancy her, she probably isn't going to want to cut off contact.
Look at it from her point of view, she knew you would disapprove and be angry when she visited her friend, hence why she lied and went behind your back. She probably didn't want the drama. I have done similar things in the past in relationships where guys have had issues with me seeing or staying with certain male friends. However, I think this is a very good sign the relationship is not meant to be.
At the end of the day, either she has decent intentions and just wants to see her friend, and you have a problem with trusting her not to do anything, or she is cheating on you. Either way I'm not really sure the relationship is worth persuing further.
Look at it from her point of view, she knew you would disapprove and be angry when she visited her friend, hence why she lied and went behind your back. She probably didn't want the drama. I have done similar things in the past in relationships where guys have had issues with me seeing or staying with certain male friends. However, I think this is a very good sign the relationship is not meant to be.
At the end of the day, either she has decent intentions and just wants to see her friend, and you have a problem with trusting her not to do anything, or she is cheating on you. Either way I'm not really sure the relationship is worth persuing further.
So you're saying that in an adult relationship, it's acceptable to go and stay with a member of the opposite sex, for x amount of days/nights?
Because i have always been of the opinion, that there are certain boundaries in a relationship, that being one of them..
Would it not bother you if your boyfriend went to go and stay with a girl just him and her for 4 days/nights?
I think in a relationship, there are some things you just shouldn't do.. But hell maybe i'm wrong..
Not acceptable. I'll admit that I've been the girl in a very similar situation before with having plans to see an ex who I only saw as a friend and the plan being to stay in his room, whilst having a boyfriend. The difference is that I told my boyfriend and asked his opinion - if he had said he didn't want me to go, I wouldn't have done. I knew it was a bit of a dodgy situation and something I wouldn't be comfortable with the other way around, although it wasn't just going to be me and him - I was staying at his whilst some mutual friends were also in the area.
Anyway, my point is that honesty always comes first, and that her lying to you about it is incredibly suspicious. She might have been worried you'd say no, but that's irrelevant really - if you were her priority than your feelings on this and you saying no would have mattered more than not getting to go. Because I have been in this situation before I think you should be careful not to be too controlling with her and her friend, although obviously you have reason. I was grateful that my boyfriend okay-d it, because it showed he trusted me, but he was clear that he didn't want us in the same room together, which I agreed to - and I also texted him regularly to let him know I was thinking of him.
The problem here is your girlfriend lying, your girlfriend not taking your feelings into account, and your girlfriend not being willing to accept that there are boundaries in relationships. She can't expect you to trust her enough to okay it, if she does nothing to earn that trust in the first place. I'd give her hell to pay OP. You can't just do that in a relationship - your partner is your priority.
Anyway, my point is that honesty always comes first, and that her lying to you about it is incredibly suspicious. She might have been worried you'd say no, but that's irrelevant really - if you were her priority than your feelings on this and you saying no would have mattered more than not getting to go. Because I have been in this situation before I think you should be careful not to be too controlling with her and her friend, although obviously you have reason. I was grateful that my boyfriend okay-d it, because it showed he trusted me, but he was clear that he didn't want us in the same room together, which I agreed to - and I also texted him regularly to let him know I was thinking of him.
The problem here is your girlfriend lying, your girlfriend not taking your feelings into account, and your girlfriend not being willing to accept that there are boundaries in relationships. She can't expect you to trust her enough to okay it, if she does nothing to earn that trust in the first place. I'd give her hell to pay OP. You can't just do that in a relationship - your partner is your priority.
Original post by Teemo
Hi,
My girlfriend of 4 years has done something quite bad. The other day she said she was going home to her parents for a week. However i've since found out that that was a lie, and she's made a 4 hour journey to Manchester to stay with a (male) friend for a week. The friend she's gone to stay with has tried to get with her numerous times in the past. Now she is spending a week sleeping in the same room as him.
I've confronted her about this and she thinks she's done nothing wrong, asides from lying about where she was going. She says she just wants to see Manchester and get away for a bit.
I'm livid. Not only has she betrayed my trust by going behind my back. She's also sleeping in the same room as, and spending 24 hours a day with, someone that obviously fancies her. She say's she hasn't slept with him, but this isnt normal behaviour of someone in a relationship.
Tell me i'm not mental. I've got a good reason to be mad right?
My girlfriend of 4 years has done something quite bad. The other day she said she was going home to her parents for a week. However i've since found out that that was a lie, and she's made a 4 hour journey to Manchester to stay with a (male) friend for a week. The friend she's gone to stay with has tried to get with her numerous times in the past. Now she is spending a week sleeping in the same room as him.
I've confronted her about this and she thinks she's done nothing wrong, asides from lying about where she was going. She says she just wants to see Manchester and get away for a bit.
I'm livid. Not only has she betrayed my trust by going behind my back. She's also sleeping in the same room as, and spending 24 hours a day with, someone that obviously fancies her. She say's she hasn't slept with him, but this isnt normal behaviour of someone in a relationship.
Tell me i'm not mental. I've got a good reason to be mad right?
Nope, you're right to call it bang out of order.
Staying with a male friend who clearly wants in her knickers in the same room for a week without you or anyone else is a bit dodge and definitely insensitive to the relationship, lying about it just makes it totally suspect.
I'd say if she wants to see him that much she is free to see him from now come eternity.
Dump her.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Spetznaaz
So you're saying that in an adult relationship, it's acceptable to go and stay with a member of the opposite sex, for x amount of days/nights?
Because i have always been of the opinion, that there are certain boundaries in a relationship, that being one of them..
Would it not bother you if your boyfriend went to go and stay with a girl just him and her for 4 days/nights?
I think in a relationship, there are some things you just shouldn't do.. But hell maybe i'm wrong..
Because i have always been of the opinion, that there are certain boundaries in a relationship, that being one of them..
Would it not bother you if your boyfriend went to go and stay with a girl just him and her for 4 days/nights?
I think in a relationship, there are some things you just shouldn't do.. But hell maybe i'm wrong..
Yes, god I would never have a boyfriend if guys had a problem with this =/ Most of my friends are male! I've fallen asleep on the sofa with them so many times when drunk, when my boyfriends around I've fallen asleep on my best mate with my boyfriend in turn asleep on me.
No I wouldn't have any issues at all, he went travelling with his female housemate for a month and sometimes they slept in the same bed to save money. He goes back to our Uni to stay with friends, some of whom are female. He stayed on my female friend at unis sofa when he went out with my mates and I had to go home as I had an early morning meeting.
Seriously don't see what the issue is, there is a reason he is going out with me and is just friends with them. In turn my mates from Bristol come and stay with me in Leeds with no issue at all! Given they take the spare room but if we didn't have one they'd probably be in my room!
I have male friends. I would trust them entirely not to try anything on me if I was staying with them, that's why they're my friends. If my friend obviously fancied me I would be trying to keep him at arms length though in case he tried anything, but just because there's something on one side doesn't mean it's mutual, don't worry about it unless something really suspicious turns up. Although the lying is sneaky. No matter what I'd want to let my boyfriend know what I was planning (well, obviously not everything, nobody cares if I'm having chips for dinner) but with something like that I'd let him know, and not ask his permission as such but re-assure him that it was all fine but if he really wasn't ok with it then I'd probably not go because unless they're a really good friend of yours then it's not worth creating that kind of rift really.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by redferry
Yes, god I would never have a boyfriend if guys had a problem with this =/ Most of my friends are male! I've fallen asleep on the sofa with them so many times when drunk, when my boyfriends around I've fallen asleep on my best mate with my boyfriend in turn asleep on me.
No I wouldn't have any issues at all, he went travelling with his female housemate for a month and sometimes they slept in the same bed to save money. He goes back to our Uni to stay with friends, some of whom are female. He stayed on my female friend at unis sofa when he went out with my mates and I had to go home as I had an early morning meeting.
Seriously don't see what the issue is, there is a reason he is going out with me and is just friends with them. In turn my mates from Bristol come and stay with me in Leeds with no issue at all! Given they take the spare room but if we didn't have one they'd probably be in my room!
No I wouldn't have any issues at all, he went travelling with his female housemate for a month and sometimes they slept in the same bed to save money. He goes back to our Uni to stay with friends, some of whom are female. He stayed on my female friend at unis sofa when he went out with my mates and I had to go home as I had an early morning meeting.
Seriously don't see what the issue is, there is a reason he is going out with me and is just friends with them. In turn my mates from Bristol come and stay with me in Leeds with no issue at all! Given they take the spare room but if we didn't have one they'd probably be in my room!
This is interesting.
Do you not think it comes down to personal boundaries at the end of the day?
You don't mind your boyfriend sleeping in the same bed as another girl, and he doesn't mind you sleeping in the same bed as another guy.
That's completely fine as your're both ok with it.
But, and i may be wrong here, but i would imagine most people would not be ok with their partner sleeping in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
Does that makes us wrong?
Or is it basically down to peoples own boundaries?
I'm asking all this to try and understand more about relationship boundaries, as the one i've just come out of was a total mess and i'm properly confused about what's right and wrong in a relationship...
Sorry for the slight hijacking OP
Behind your back is your front dude, but that seriously sucks, I don't even know you but I'm sorry to hear that, just another reason why I'm done with relationships but **** that, this ain't about me. No-one deserves that to happen to them otherwise it might as well be a facebook-esque 'open elationship'!
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by aspirinpharmacist
I have male friends. I would trust them entirely not to try anything on me if I was staying with them, that's why they're my friends. If my friend obviously fancied me I would be trying to keep him at arms length though in case he tried anything, but just because there's something on one side doesn't mean it's mutual, don't worry about it unless something really suspicious turns up.
I would call her lying about it fairly suspicious... Don't get me wrong, I'm fairly easy going about these things, unless I have reason not to trust my partner/the girl in question, but honesty is an absolute must for me in relationships. I just don't get why you would lie unless you have something to hide, and if it's to save drama then surely you have to think that if you know there's going to be drama then your partner isn't going to be happy about it, and why would you do something to make your partner unhappy? It's just a matter of priority for me.
She's given me all that 'i'm so sorry i've upset you, i feel so bad' lark today. So i said if you felt that bad you a) wouldn't have done it in the first place, and b) Would come back home rather than staying for a week.
She's said she's staying the full week and we'll talk about it when she gets back. Time to get dumping me thinks...
She's said she's staying the full week and we'll talk about it when she gets back. Time to get dumping me thinks...
Original post by Sweet_Heart
I would call her lying about it fairly suspicious... Don't get me wrong, I'm fairly easy going about these things, unless I have reason not to trust my partner/the girl in question, but honesty is an absolute must for me in relationships. I just don't get why you would lie unless you have something to hide, and if it's to save drama then surely you have to think that if you know there's going to be drama then your partner isn't going to be happy about it, and why would you do something to make your partner unhappy? It's just a matter of priority for me.
Yeah, I agree. I edited it, I was only going to write a quick post and then changed my mind and edited it (I do that a lot), just saw your reply
But yeah, if you love someone then why would you lie to them about something that might upset them? It doesn't really make sense.Original post by redferry
Yes, god I would never have a boyfriend if guys had a problem with this =/ Most of my friends are male! I've fallen asleep on the sofa with them so many times when drunk, when my boyfriends around I've fallen asleep on my best mate with my boyfriend in turn asleep on me.
No I wouldn't have any issues at all, he went travelling with his female housemate for a month and sometimes they slept in the same bed to save money. He goes back to our Uni to stay with friends, some of whom are female. He stayed on my female friend at unis sofa when he went out with my mates and I had to go home as I had an early morning meeting.
Seriously don't see what the issue is, there is a reason he is going out with me and is just friends with them. In turn my mates from Bristol come and stay with me in Leeds with no issue at all! Given they take the spare room but if we didn't have one they'd probably be in my room!
No I wouldn't have any issues at all, he went travelling with his female housemate for a month and sometimes they slept in the same bed to save money. He goes back to our Uni to stay with friends, some of whom are female. He stayed on my female friend at unis sofa when he went out with my mates and I had to go home as I had an early morning meeting.
Seriously don't see what the issue is, there is a reason he is going out with me and is just friends with them. In turn my mates from Bristol come and stay with me in Leeds with no issue at all! Given they take the spare room but if we didn't have one they'd probably be in my room!
I agree with you to an extent, (I have close male friends/my boyfriend has close female friends - we're relatively lax about it unless we have reason not to be), but I think this situation is a little different. I, for example, would not be happy with my boyfriend spending staying with a girl who was trying to throw herself on him, especially if they were staying in the same bed, and even more so if he'd lied about it. The latter being my biggest problem.
I assume you have a good amount of trust in your relationship - but if that was the situation, would you still feel comfortable about it? I just personally think this situation is a little different than being open about staying at a platonic friend's for a few days.
Original post by Spetznaaz
This is interesting.
Do you not think it comes down to personal boundaries at the end of the day?
You don't mind your boyfriend sleeping in the same bed as another girl, and he doesn't mind you sleeping in the same bed as another guy.
That's completely fine as your're both ok with it.
But, and i may be wrong here, but i would imagine most people would not be ok with their partner sleeping in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
Does that makes us wrong?
Or is it basically down to peoples own boundaries?
I'm asking all this to try and understand more about relationship boundaries, as the one i've just come out of was a total mess and i'm properly confused about what's right and wrong in a relationship...
Sorry for the slight hijacking OP
Do you not think it comes down to personal boundaries at the end of the day?
You don't mind your boyfriend sleeping in the same bed as another girl, and he doesn't mind you sleeping in the same bed as another guy.
That's completely fine as your're both ok with it.
But, and i may be wrong here, but i would imagine most people would not be ok with their partner sleeping in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
Does that makes us wrong?
Or is it basically down to peoples own boundaries?
I'm asking all this to try and understand more about relationship boundaries, as the one i've just come out of was a total mess and i'm properly confused about what's right and wrong in a relationship...
Sorry for the slight hijacking OP
Yes and I also think it very much comes down to how familiar you are with your other halfs relationships with the opposite gender. My boyfriend had real issues with his last gf because she'd stay with the type of guys that were all 'ladladlad' and trying to get into her pants and he knew she was weak willed when drunk and probably fancied these guys, and she wasn't really close friends with any guys in the way I am.
He knows a lot of my friends and they aren't exactly threatening, and he knows me and how freaked out I get by the idea of my friendships being anything more, and trusts me to say no if anyone were to try it on.
I probably wouldn't sleep in the same bed as another guy unless it was a travel or being very very cold on the floor type so I literally couldn't sleep sort of thing I would point out, but the same goes for if I was single, it's just a bit weird really!
I understand why people have issues with it but I really do think it shows a lack of trust.
There is no right and wrong in a relationship, as long as you are both happy and no-one is getting hurt. Behaviour in relationships is 100% down to you and the person you are with.
Original post by Teemo
She's given me all that 'i'm so sorry i've upset you, i feel so bad' lark today. So i said if you felt that bad you a) wouldn't have done it in the first place, and b) Would come back home rather than staying for a week.
She's said she's staying the full week and we'll talk about it when she gets back. Time to get dumping me thinks...
She's said she's staying the full week and we'll talk about it when she gets back. Time to get dumping me thinks...
Whilst I agree that she has behaved completely out of order, I'm also aware that you said that this was a four year relationship - is it worth chucking her over this? I mean, don't let her get away with it - a stern word and if she does it again she's out - but I think I would be wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt if it was me. After a hell of a lot of grovelling from her, of course.
Original post by Sweet_Heart
I agree with you to an extent, (I have close male friends/my boyfriend has close female friends - we're relatively lax about it unless we have reason not to be), but I think this situation is a little different. I, for example, would not be happy with my boyfriend spending staying with a girl who was trying to throw herself on him, especially if they were staying in the same bed, and even more so if he'd lied about it. The latter being my biggest problem.
I assume you have a good amount of trust in your relationship - but if that was the situation, would you still feel comfortable about it? I just personally think this situation is a little different than being open about staying at a platonic friend's for a few days.
I assume you have a good amount of trust in your relationship - but if that was the situation, would you still feel comfortable about it? I just personally think this situation is a little different than being open about staying at a platonic friend's for a few days.
Obviously you would be unhappy, all I was saying is I can see why she would lie. If he is going to go mad and say no then the only way she can go see her friend is if she lies. Essentially she should have told him and if he had a problem made the choice between her friend and her boyfriend, but obviously that is not going to be a choice she wants to have to make!
The lying is obviously the main issue here, but I don't think it necessarily means that she has anything to hide, just that he made her feel the need to hide it from him by having a trust issue in the first place.
As I said, personally I would end it, either he is stopping her from living how she wants or she is cheating. Both of which are things I personally couldn't get past in a relationship.
His trust issues will only get worse now he has found out she has lied, even if she didn't cheat.
(edited 11 years ago)
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