english letter marking please

Hi, could someone please have a look at this question I have done and offer a mark out of 20 based on the Eduqas mark scheme?
Thanks

Question:

‘It is the people who have extraordinary skill, courage and determination who deserve to be famous, not those who have good looks or lots of money or behave badly.’

Write a letter to the editor of a newspaper in which you argue your point of view in response to this statement.

My response:

Dear editor,
Are we prepared to allow anyone who pleases to become famous and become the next generations role-models? I feel as though the criteria for what is required to become a world-renowned star is becoming simpler to achieve by the day. If we don’t become aware of the issues now, we will be the root of serious problems for the future. Something needs to change.

Marvellous, extravagant, and appealing – three of the most essential traits required for becoming a star. These are the people that set the standards for the younger generation. These are the people that inspire the youth to pursue their passion. Role-models with extraordinary skill have the powers to spur on children of all ages to get out of bed and get active after admiring the art of their favourite tennis player on their bedroom TV. Not long ago I can remember the birth of my passion for basketball, whilst stunned and exasperated at the sight of Stephen Curry and his extraordinary ability to shoot the ball from anywhere and score. Sparks exploded within my soul as he was the role-model who ignited the fire within me to commence my basketball journey. It is essential for us to recognise the difference between superficial fame and true inspiration, as to encourage our youth to look up to those who truly embody the values we hope to instil into generations to come.

It is not enough for famous individuals to rely solely upon their skills and talent to gain admiration and success, but they must also acquire the prestigious virtues of being courageous and determined warriors, prepared to sacrifice and commit themselves to their field of art. Fame must be deserved. Only by enduring pain and suffering on their journey to glory can they truly provide a bright beacon of light for mesmerised children to hold their standards to. Are these not the kinds of people you want your sons and daughters to aspiring towards? Are these not the kinds of people that will fuel the next generation for decades to come? I believe so.

Make-up, eyelashes, high heels. Excessive addiction to things like this can crush the self-esteem of young people as they set their life goals to looking like someone else. In a recent survey from the University of Cambridge, a staggering 74% of school children in London reported negative impacts on their mental health due to the pressure to look like their favourite celebrities. For example, in recent months Kim Kardashian has been under serious scrutiny after promoting a wearing product that will appear to slim the wait of young women. This can have not only physical side-effects, but also drives children to the point of obsession with the perfect body. Not only the aesthetic, but the rouge misconduct of certain individuals on TV can set a poor example for children, causing their innocent minds to become corrupted by the unethical attitudes they see their favourite stars do on live TV. We must strive to encourage positive values such as self-acceptance, creating role models who embody these values and inspire the youth, instead of infiltrating their young minds and influencing negative values.

Overall, the impact of famous individuals on the younger generation cannot be ignored. While some stars are worthy of admiration and respect, others can be a dangerous influence on impressionable minds. As a society, we must be aware of the implications that famous people have on our children and we must ensure the next generation access the right kind of inspiration to thrive in life. The time to act is now. Let us strive for a bigger and brighter future, led the way by only the most deserving role-models, to guide the path for decades to come.

Yours Faithfully

Mark Scheme:

Page 10 and 11

https://revisionworld.com/sites/revi...glish12-ms.pdf