Help with personal statement for college

I've applied for a few colleges before but I got rejected by all of them, and I think that my personal statement must be one of the reasons; so I'm applying for another college which has a later deadline for applications, but I want to write a new one which would help me get accepted this time. Can anyone help please :h:

Reply 1

sulaimanali

Can you post your previous one?

Reply 2

fatiana

Original post by sulaimanali

Can you post your previous one?

This is my previous one:

Spoiler

this one is the one I made yesterday:

Spoiler

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 3

sulaimanali

You've got a good baseline, but it can definitely be improved.

1) In the intro, you just simply list qualities. Give examples of them where you showed those qualities present in you... i.e. I demonstrated working well under pressure one time when I (....)
2) I would suggest avoid writing 'immense satisfaction' after solving a maths problem - not sure how to explain it, but, it doesn't sound good.
3) Say why you want to take 'health and social care'? What inspired you?
4) Separate your H&SC statement from your subjects. Say why you want to choose those subjects (Maths etc) and why you wish to take cooking classes for extra-curricular activities?
5) Again, you simply list the skills without developing them and saying where you've demonstrated them e.g. in school, outside of school (work experience etc), extra-curricular activites (e.g. NCS, Outward Bound, Duke of Edinburgh etc)