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    I've applied for a few colleges before but I got rejected by all of them, and I think that my personal statement must be one of the reasons; so I'm applying for another college which has a later deadline for applications, but I want to write a new one which would help me get accepted this time. Can anyone help please
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    Can you post your previous one?
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    (Original post by sulaimanali)
    Can you post your previous one?
    This is my previous one:
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    I am a reliable, friendly and cheerful student who can cope decently with pressure. I am a helpful member of the team and someone who loves helping her peers in subjects they need support in. I can also hand criticism any time, and give criticism at the right times and places.

    In my last two years at ((my school)) my favourite and most successful subjects have been Maths and Science. I have particularly enjoyed maths because of the immense satisfaction after solving a particularly tricky question and the fact that it has particular answers which makes it more challenging. Also, the fact that the rules of maths will never change makes me very relieved and content. I have also found science very interesting after knowing what each organ inside of my body does, which chemicals are in the air and their importance to the atmosphere and living organisms.

    Next year I would like to take health and social care; or maths statistics, further maths, chemistry, economics and cooking classes as an extra-curricular activity. I acknowledge that as I grow up, my future plans may change. Therefore I have made sure to choose a wide range of subjects that I want to study.

    In addition to gaining knowledge in the subjects I study for GCSEs, I have also learned many new skills such as being able to adapt easily in different environments, being able to communicate with different people, determination, team work, being a good listener, maintaining emotional control under stress and meeting new people.

    For my work experience, I have worked in ((work experience placement)) for two weeks. One reason was so I can envision how it is to work with young children. Furthermore, two of my younger siblings are autistic, and one is thought to have development issues; therefore I have always been wondering about the best ways in which to communicate with them. To say the least, it was extremely educational. Thankfully, I was able to uncover different ways of communicating to young children, including my siblings. It has also improved the bond between me and them. I was encouraged by the experience, my friends and parents to study health and social care and move on to studying childcare; and to open up a nursery in my home country.

    Overall, I believe that enrolling to a good sixth form would be a great way to help me reach my goal, become a better person and learn more about myself as a member of society. I am really looking forward to continue the pathway I have started through the support of my friends, parents and teachers and to have an enjoyable, educational and memorable time in sixth form.
    this one is the one I made yesterday:
    Spoiler:
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    I am a reliable, friendly and cheerful student who can cope decently with pressure. I am a helpful member of the team and someone who loves helping her peers in subjects they need support in. I can also hand criticism any time, and give criticism at the right times and places.

    In my last two years at ((my school)) my favourite and most successful subjects have been Maths and Science. I have particularly enjoyed maths because of the immense satisfaction after solving a particularly tricky question and the fact that it has particular answers which makes it more challenging. Also, the fact that the rules of maths will never change makes me very relieved and content. I have also found science very interesting after knowing what each organ inside of my body does, which chemicals are in the air and their importance to the atmosphere and living organisms.

    Next year I would like to take an Islamic course in order to gain knowledge about Islam and to pass on the knowledge to young children in the future. I acknowledge that as I grow up, my future plans may change.

    In addition to gaining knowledge in the subjects I study for GCSEs, I have also learned many new skills such as being able to adapt easily in different environments, being able to communicate with different people,determination, team work, being a good listener and maintaining emotional control under stress.

    For my work experience, I have worked in ((work-experience placement)) for two weeks. One reason was so I can envision how it is to work with young children. Furthermore, all my siblings suffer from mental disorders; therefore I have always been wondering about the best ways in which to communicate with them. To say the least, it was extremely educational. Thankfully, I was able to uncover different ways of communicating to young children, including my siblings. It has also improved the bond between me and them. I was encouraged by the experience, my friends and parents to study health and social care and move on to studying childcare; and to open up an Islamic nursery in my home country. I believe that the course will benefit me greatly, as I am a Muslim girl, and my duty is to gain as much knowledge as possible on my religion, therefore I want to fulfill this duty by attending this college. I also believe that I am a suitable candidate because I am someone who has a lotto learn about Islam and the Holy Quran in order to improve my belief in Allah.

    To conclude, I think that the best place that would help me reach my goal is ((the college)) as it would help me educate myself about my religion, my identity and my role in the Muslim and society.
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    You've got a good baseline, but it can definitely be improved.

    1) In the intro, you just simply list qualities. Give examples of them where you showed those qualities present in you... i.e. I demonstrated working well under pressure one time when I (....)
    2) I would suggest avoid writing 'immense satisfaction' after solving a maths problem - not sure how to explain it, but, it doesn't sound good.
    3) Say why you want to take 'health and social care'? What inspired you?
    4) Separate your H&SC statement from your subjects. Say why you want to choose those subjects (Maths etc) and why you wish to take cooking classes for extra-curricular activities?
    5) Again, you simply list the skills without developing them and saying where you've demonstrated them e.g. in school, outside of school (work experience etc), extra-curricular activites (e.g. NCS, Outward Bound, Duke of Edinburgh etc)
 
 
 
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