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Was I emotionally abused or was I the abuser?

This may sound ever so confusing, but my ex had recently called me out for 'abusing him emotionally' after we broke up and that he did the same too. I'm really upset by the idea that I may have emotionally abused him so I'm going to make this as quick as possible.

When my ex and I started dating, all was well, but a few months into the relationship he had started showing a few red flags to my parents. He started to dismiss my opinions and correct me constantly, snapped at me occasionally for petty reasons and spoke with a harsh tone, and in once instance spoke rudely to my mum. I didn't really think too much about this, because hey, we all have flaws, right? This was until I realised he couldn't contain his anger, he once had an argument with his mum and began screaming at her (this argument was over a piece of cake, believe it or not). I broke up with him when after an argument with me and a bad exam result, he punched a wall in school and broke some plastic sheeting in front of a hall full of people, terrifying them. I just felt scared of him after that.

The break up was a regret of mine but I tried to maintain my decision. He begged for me back a month or so later, explaining he had changed and he has slowly become a pacifist.I still loved him, but however, my parents would not allow me to date him, and I explained this to him. He wouldn't give in, however and made every chance to try and convince me back, grabbing me and kissing me whenever he got the chance. This was my big mistake, because where I should have walked away I tried to contain some kind of friendship, even trying to compromise with him, while I shouldn't have. Obviously tired and sick of the rejection, he cut me off completely, moving away to a different sixth form (something that was planned even when we were dating). We had a shared friends group so the split really effected them too.

Again, after cutting me off last August and moving in around September, he reconnected with me again. Obviously I felt incredibly guilty and felt like a horrible person for hurting him so much, I tried to re-amend the bridge the best I could but it felt so difficult, he would spend hours talking about his friends in his new school, trying to make me jealous by talking about girls he was interested in, and trying to make me feel guilty for hurting him so much. We'd only talk online, but he'd cut me off for weeks at a time from time to time because he said he wanted 'to hurt me' as much as he could but knew it was wrong, so cut himself off to stop him from doing that. I wanted to be civil, but he would make me feel worthless to him by reminding me how much I hurt him and brag about how great his friends were and tell me how much his new friends hate me, despite that they've never met me. He also once made a point of screaming at me because I contacted him during exam season to mention about an examiner review I found that he may have found helpful.

Then, after the stress of exams, he explained to me how he felt like we had emotionally abused one another because of me dumping him and refusing to date him only because my parents wouldn't allow it, and him because he felt he was overbearing and didn't give me any space at all. He's currently not speaking to me and I am just left so confused over it all. I know I'm a terrible person for rejecting him so badly and I deserve some pain back, but I don't understand how I was abusive? Last time he spoke he randomly said 'If you had hit me instead of emotionally abused me, our friends would hate you right now.'

I'm so sorry if this makes no sense but if I can have an outsider look at it and tell me if I'm an abusive monster or not it would be helpful.

Reply 1

Jo from AVA

*** I am so sorry for the delay in replying. I replied ages ago when you first got in touch but had lots of issues being able to post and this did not send. Here is my reply:

Hi
I am really glad you got in touch. You sound really confused and upset and I am not surprised given how he has treated you.

Ok - you are absolutely NOT an abusive monster. In fact, you have not behaved abusively in any way at all. I think that this guy is trying to manipulate you to feel guilty for something that he did - which is a common thing for people who have been abusive to do.
He really scared you by his behaviour by being controlling, argumentative and also physically aggressive. You did the right thing by ending the relationship and I understand why your parents did not want you to see him again.

You did not reject him and do not deserve any pain. Please don't feel terrible, you did nothing wrong. I know it's hard but I think you need to try to cut contact with him as he uses it to further control you and try to upset you. It's good that he has acknowledged that he was overbearing and did not give you space, but he is not acknowledging that you did not just not see him because of your parents but also because of your own fears about his behaviour.

Is there anyone you can talk to about this? I know it's hard if you have shared friends but I think it will help to talk it through as you need support to cope with this difficult time.

I hope it helps to know that you did nothing wrong,
take care
jo