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GCSE Narrative Writing English Language

Hi!
I am doing GCSE eduqas english language and was wondering if I could get some feedback on a narrative piece I wrote. It doesn't have to be from the same exam board I do, any advice is appreciated. :smile:

That was a visit I would always remember. In some ways it could have been referred to as the best day in all of my sixteen years of life. However, by the end of the day, it had become my worst nightmare.
It began as a bright and beautiful morning, with my favourite peers (members of my geography class) and -of course- the splendid Miss Honey. We explored the fields of green as we passed by various dwellers of the land: range keepers, cows and my favourite, sheep who shuffled away if we got too close. Morning dew glazed upon our foreheads that were ridden with sun protectant, still visible along our sideburns, lathered to shield our faces from the high sun. Walking along the flood plain, the water filled the river channel up to it’s banks as if it were about to burst. That is how I knew it would have been a good day. Would have been.
“Today,” Miss Honey began, her voice filling the quiet area we occupied “we are lucky to see the river at high discharge.” The way she said it made me believe this was a once in a lifetime occurrence and -as we had learned in class it was. A smile creeped upon by face as Miss Honey’s words assured me this would be a good day.
“Oh my gosh!” Emma exclaimed as she practically skipped along the floodplain a full metre ahead of me “a meander…”
I rolled my eyes looking at her as she gazed upon the changes in the landforms we observed as we moved along the river course, my shoes showing signs of the slight dew in the grass.
As we continued along, grasping onto the rocks to the side of us, the change in landforms let me know we were almost there. My heart began beating like it never had before as if I were nervous. I picked up the pace slightly and joined Emma as she continued to fangirl over the different changes we saw on our monthly quizzes. “A medium-sized pebble!”
Before I knew it, I was there. In front of me stood a gently sloping, rocky cliff that was high enough to allow the blue, fresh water to lap over the rocks that jut out but also angles in such a way that I was able to see the source of the river. This was it. What I had waited years to see. Luckily, it did not disappoint; Miss Honey was right, it was the perfect day.
Past tense.
Now, as any other human being would want when they see a natural beauty so free, so majestic, you never want to let it out of your sight. Therefore, I knew I had to capture the moment. Right there, right then. With my eyes locked on the prize, I reached into my pocket to take out my new Canon Star to capture the joyous moment. A rush of blood reached my fingertips and my heart fluttered. It had to be perfect. I adjusted the positioning of the frame with my eyelashes brushing against the view finder. Almost there. I had it. Source, cliff, and of course the masterpiece of the waterfall all in shot. Then boom.
“Oh, sorry.” A fleeting voice announced as their shoulder met my right arm sending the Canon Star flying, straight towards the waterfall.
Time slowed down. Adrenaline kicked in as my brown, leather walking boots lunged forward over the riverbank and my hand following in the same direction. My sight went blurry. The Canon brushed against my second finger before meeting it’s demise in the water below. I was so close.
My feet slipped on a rock in the riverbed, causing me to plop down on the bank as if I was on autopilot. In an instant, I saw the water in the river deplete as it returned to low discharge. Just as normal. Following that, to my right, I heard a cow’s distressed moo and, to the other side, a baby chick’s screech as it fell out of it’s nest. A disturbance of nature.
That’s what made me understand the severity of the situation; it is also how I knew I would never be able to forget this day. Emma had gone quiet. I looked up to see the sky changing on array of different colours and land on grey and my head met my hands as I felt a crowd surround me.
Everything cried that day: Emma, the baby bird, even the cows, but not me. I only felt despair.
After what seemed like a lifetime, we returned to the coach, and I squelched into my seat as I began to feel the water that must have found a hole in my shoes. Brand new. Emma attempted to offer encouraging words and held up her phone screen to reveal the most horrific photo I had ever seen. Blurry, corrupted by people and (worst of all) not in focus.
I could only turn away to stop myself from bursting into tears just thinking I did not even get the photo.
hi! i do aqa so we're not on the same exam board, but i'll give some feedback anyway.

- i really like the natural imagery at the beginning. there's a nice contrast between the peace of nature described and the foreshadowing of something bad to come.
- you've used a variety of sentence structures, keep that up - try and use a sentence with a semi colon if you can.
- i noticed you used "it's" when you meant "its" a lot - i'm not sure how many marks you get on this paper for spag accuracy, but in aqa it's about 16 (out of 40 for this question), so make sure your grammar is as best it can be (i know my message is all in lower case, i'm just trying to type quickly 😭)

overall i really liked it, keep it up :smile:
(edited 9 months ago)
Reply 2
Original post by ribhmaclean
hi! i do aqa so we're not on the same exam board, but i'll give some feedback anyway.

- i really like the natural imagery at the beginning. there's a nice contrast between the peace of nature described and the foreshadowing of something bad to come.
- you've used a variety of sentence structures, keep that up - try and use a sentence with a semi colon if you can.
- i noticed you used "it's" when you meant "its" a lot - i'm not sure how many marks you get on this paper for spag accuracy, but in aqa it's about 16 (out of 40 for this question), so make sure your grammar is as best it can be (i know my message is all in lower case, i'm just trying to type quickly 😭)

overall i really liked it, keep it up :smile:


Thank you! that’s really helpful i appreciate it. i think our spag mark is the same so i’ll be careful and check all the grammar. :smile:)

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