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English Language paper 1 q5

Hey all! I am currently in my final year of my GCSE’s (Year 11), and would deeply appreciate if someone could read and critique my half written response that isn’t by any means complete. Many thanks :smile:



My Daily Commute into Central London.

The claws of the cold. Engulfing, penetrating my soul through my Wind-Proof Coat. Eating away at my shivering frame as I attempt to gather any glimpse of warmth left unopposed by the unrelenting cold.

I scurry down the grit-salt-ridden stairs in a frantic gait, towards a haven. The “Food Express” sign as if it read “Home Sweet Home” repletes my brain with refuge and endorphins, sending my shivering soul into a relaxed state, the certainty of safety reinstating my goodwill.

As the callous cashier hands me my rations for the journey, I hurriedly stuff them into my pockets, and catch the near-departing train. The entry buttons beaming with hope, the mechanical door hisses open outwardly, presenting to me the brightly lit, drab, status quo interior of any capitalist society mode of transport. Rows upon rows of chairs, designed to meet a quota, all in the name of money. An erratic scheme, for profits and efficiency over comfort and care, constituting nothing dissimilar to our society we collectively share.


I lay still in the rough, embroidered chair, the inner machinations of my mind timidly whirring away at the feeling of euphoria, sensations of joy and pleasantry engulf me, the striking, poignant scent of the gooey, hearth hot chocolate leave me star struck with anticipation.

Continued.
Reply 1
heyy,i got a 9 at gcse (2022) and here’s some advice.
make sure to hand write any exams you do, unless you’ll be typing in the actual exam. it takes longer to hand write so you need to be able to do it quickly and for a long time, through practising
don’t completely write off the description questions, as they can get marks (for example i did description in my final paper), and can often be easier as you can spend longer writing rather than taking ages to get an idea
try to write with a narrative voice, so from the perspective of a clear character. for example, you say talk critically about society, so it could be the perspective of an outsider, who sees everything as negative and pointless. this can also allow you to have a recurring motif (an idea repeatedly mentioned), for example repeatedly describing things like the 7 deadly sins
within your answer it sometimes seems like you’re using big words for the sake of it, when they don’t actually add value as they mess with the flow, for example what is a machination?? there’s a time and place, but sometimes it can take you out of the story
try to think about adding more techniques, even if you have to shoehorn them in. i find metaphors are great because they can be more natural, for example you could say like ‘the wind attacks me, my waterproof coat a shield against the world’. triples are also great, and a good way to include more advanced vocab
hope this helps x
Reply 2
Original post by charves14
heyy,i got a 9 at gcse (2022) and here’s some advice.
make sure to hand write any exams you do, unless you’ll be typing in the actual exam. it takes longer to hand write so you need to be able to do it quickly and for a long time, through practising
don’t completely write off the description questions, as they can get marks (for example i did description in my final paper), and can often be easier as you can spend longer writing rather than taking ages to get an idea
try to write with a narrative voice, so from the perspective of a clear character. for example, you say talk critically about society, so it could be the perspective of an outsider, who sees everything as negative and pointless. this can also allow you to have a recurring motif (an idea repeatedly mentioned), for example repeatedly describing things like the 7 deadly sins
within your answer it sometimes seems like you’re using big words for the sake of it, when they don’t actually add value as they mess with the flow, for example what is a machination?? there’s a time and place, but sometimes it can take you out of the story
try to think about adding more techniques, even if you have to shoehorn them in. i find metaphors are great because they can be more natural, for example you could say like ‘the wind attacks me, my waterproof coat a shield against the world’. triples are also great, and a good way to include more advanced vocab
hope this helps x


Hi! Thanks so much for responding! I appreciate the time you took to respond :smile: I wrote this on word as i was actually on the train while writing this haha, it took me 20 minutes in total and I completely understand what you mean about the big words, I just feel without them my work is quite average if you get what i mean? In regards to your other advice about using metaphors and triples and motifs i will take those onboard so thank you for that! Thank you so much for the help and ps: machinations in this context means the inner workings/ operations of the brain, so like the inner machinations of my mind” pretty much translates to “the inner workings of my brain” it is a little far fetched but i feel it was relevant at the time haha. Many thanks- Clayton
Reply 3
Hi! Thanks so much for responding! I appreciate the time you took to respond :smile: I wrote this on word as i was actually on the train while writing this haha, it took me 20 minutes in total and I completely understand what you mean about the big words, I just feel without them my work is quite average if you get what i mean? In regards to your other advice about using metaphors and triples and motifs i will take those onboard so thank you for that! Thank you so much for the help and ps: machinations in this context means the inner workings/ operations of the brain, so like the inner machinations of my mind” pretty much translates to “the inner workings of my brain” it is a little far fetched but i feel it was relevant at the time haha. Many thanks- Clayton

i totally understand what you mean, I’d say not to worry too much about the words seeming super advanced, as it’s creative writing. try and focus on using better words when actually describing stuff. i think in order to make it less average (although id say it’s quite strong) focus on structural bits too, like what i said with having a character.
Reply 4
Original post by charves14

i totally understand what you mean, I’d say not to worry too much about the words seeming super advanced, as it’s creative writing. try and focus on using better words when actually describing stuff. i think in order to make it less average (although id say it’s quite strong) focus on structural bits too, like what i said with having a character.


For sure I will take this on board, thank you!

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