Can you mark this LETTER for GCSEs english language?

*Format not included
Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing this letter to apply for a fascinating part-time job helping run play-schemes for young children. When I first read that a vacancy like this was available: I was thrilled, excited and motivated. Finally, I had found a job that truly fit my criteria. I cannot wait to get started.

Who am I? Well, I am a young sixteen years old student, who has just finished his GCSE exams, and is looking to succeed in a fulfilling job. I am very close to my mother; she likes to describe me as a caring and calm person who is passionate about everything he does. Thanks mum!

My mother has always taught me that experiences matter. So, when I decided to apply I wondered whether or not I was experienced enough to handle and teach young children. Truthfully, I have never had responsibility of very young children in a professional job setting. However, I feel that i have proved my abilities especially due to the fact that I have had to care for my, now four years old, younger sibling. She has taught me a lot. I have learnt that however frustrated to tired one feels, one should never lose their temper. I remember last year, when my mother went to a business trip, I had to babysit her for seven days straight. Thanks again mum! Consequently, I had to work so hard to keep her entertained as well as act responsibly to make sure that she knew I was in control. The job was one of the most rewarding activities I have ever done. Still, I am grateful that I am not a mother.

I hope that my passion, dedication and love for this job has convinced you that I am the right candidate. I will wait for a response. <- I look forward to hearing from you or thank you for considering my application in advance is a less pushy way to end it.

Yours faithfully,
dontrevisefail

its fine grammatically however if the marks are based on the contents of the letter being accurate to how youd actually apply for a job role then id mark you extremely low which is a shame because from the letter it looks like you are quite good at English.

the stuff in bold is unprofessional and way too informal, the wording reads more like a breezy article than an applicant emailing about a possible position. the part about the job fitting your criteria could come off badly with a boss who may think you are very picky and think youre too good for some roles.

the stuff in italics is also a HUGE no no for job applications, never start with although I don't have experience or I didn't think I would be experienced enough because even if you follow that with a positive example of how you are you've still set the tone very low.

the stuff in bold and underlined is also bad, it suggests you don't like kids that much (why would you even tell them you don't want to be a parent?) and you've lost your temper with a child in the past so they wouldn't want you to work for them. they want to be hearing about how patient, tolerant and understanding you are not how you've learned to keep your temper under control.

the rest of the letter is okay but it needs to flow better, less like telling a story and more quick facts that link together with examples and references to past jobs and work experience.

for example: I have previous experience in childcare, I often take care of a younger sibling aged four for both long and short periods of time which shows x-y capabilities. then go into what activities you do with her, techniques you use to calm her down if shes upset, if you have first aid experience/certificate, routines you enforce, naptimes etc


sorry to pull your letter to pieces!

Thanks a lot for the feedback. I understand what your saying. I'll try again and hopefully its better.

I'm just a little confused. I watched this video on writing an a star letter(where he complained about the service he received) and the guy said that having humour can get you better marks because it will be more interesting and engaging to mark than the rest of the candidates. However, if I put humour it is too informal. How do I balance it?

I'm just a little confused. I watched this video on writing an a star letter(where he complained about the service he received) and the guy said that having humour can get you better marks because it will be more interesting and engaging to mark than the rest of the candidates. However, if I put humour it is too informal. How do I balance it?

complaining about a service received would be completely different to a letter for a job opportunity, you have to write it how you would if you were actually to go for a job. a manager wouldn't appreciate an informal tone so the letter needs to be written professionally to show that you are going to be a hard worker and not the joker that sits in the office wasting time, there's nothing wrong with being a bit humorous in the interview or when you have the job because you can mould the situation, use the interaction and see where its most appropriate to inject it but certainly don't do it when applying as that's all they have to go on, its a one way interaction and its their very first impression of you.

you have to be careful with videos and other people saying they got good marks for humour because they could have different exam questions and marking schemes to you, if you stick with a safe method and write a solid formal letter you'll achieve good marks regardless because you've made sure the tone fits the type of letter it is. I would expect humour would help you get higher marks in creative writing (stories) and in advertisements etc

Stick with the tone.
If its formal, you got to act like the person on the other end is deciding whether or not to end your life. Their panel is tough, merciless and demand respect. Straying away from the reason you went their means death. In other words stick with the brief and you big words. Personally if i was that mighty and someone was trying to be funny or sarcastic, i wouldn't like it.
Obviously formality varies. Writing a letter to the house of Parliament CEO or royalty would be much more formal then to your head of year or the manager of an arcade.
Im doing the GCSE as well, so i'm not sure how helpful i am, just my opinion

its fine grammatically however if the marks are based on the contents of the letter being accurate to how youd actually apply for a job role then id mark you extremely low which is a shame because from the letter it looks like you are quite good at English.

the stuff in bold is unprofessional and way too informal, the wording reads more like a breezy article than an applicant emailing about a possible position. the part about the job fitting your criteria could come off badly with a boss who may think you are very picky and think youre too good for some roles.

the stuff in italics is also a HUGE no no for job applications, never start with although I don't have experience or I didn't think I would be experienced enough because even if you follow that with a positive example of how you are you've still set the tone very low.

the stuff in bold and underlined is also bad, it suggests you don't like kids that much (why would you even tell them you don't want to be a parent?) and you've lost your temper with a child in the past so they wouldn't want you to work for them. they want to be hearing about how patient, tolerant and understanding you are not how you've learned to keep your temper under control.

the rest of the letter is okay but it needs to flow better, less like telling a story and more quick facts that link together with examples and references to past jobs and work experience.

for example: I have previous experience in childcare, I often take care of a younger sibling aged four for both long and short periods of time which shows x-y capabilities. then go into what activities you do with her, techniques you use to calm her down if shes upset, if you have first aid experience/certificate, routines you enforce, naptimes etc


sorry to pull your letter to pieces!

Here's is my second try:

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing this letter to apply for a job vacancy helping run play-schemes for young children. Having many previous experiences working with young children, I feel that my skills complement the role perfectly. I cannot wait to start.

Firstly, I am very experienced. Having a younger, now four years old, sibling myself I feel that I have attained important skills. For example, I am able to build very close relationships with younger children; I can engage with them very quickly and capture their attention to make sure they make the most out of the play-schemes. My last employee described me as "attentive and empathising". This empathy has not gone unnoticed: building connections with parents means that I may be able to attract more attention and get more customers to your business. Fantastic.

Secondly, I am very passionate. I truly believe that having and showing respect towards the job is very important. When I was revising for SAT's(in primary school), I realised my passion and dedication for revision-- that drive has stuck since. You can trust me.

Finally, I am caring. i understand that young children have their own problems and issues they want to share Never have I ever been temperamental or rude towards children; this personality partly arrives form my professionalism and partly for my upbringing.

I hope that my passion, dedication and excitement for this job has convinced you that I am the right candidate. Thank you for considering my application.

Yours faithfully,
dontrevisefail

bold: unnecessary, remove

underlined: grammar

Having many previous experiences -> having previous experience
Having a younger, now four years old, sibling -> having a younger sibling, now four years oldhaving and showing -> showing the upmost respect
italics: spelling error (it should be employer not employee)

apart from this it is very beautifully written and id give that a A/B if I was to mark it (your first letter I would have given a D/low C). you should be proud of the second one

How do I get a star?

more paragraphs, more detail and mention of qualifications.

see these below for reference:
http://www.dayjob.com/images/pic_retail_cover_letter_example-1.jpg
http://www.dayjob.com/images/pic_graduate_cover_letter_example-1.jpg

Thanks. What does "I should like to apply for the vacancy" in this context mean?

it just means the job role advertised so in your scenario the vacancy is the child play schemes position