The Student Room Group

Could someone read this and share their thoughts and corrections?(Part 2)

I don't know why I expected them to move. It was either they were too deep in 'love' to hear me or they did hear me but just wanted to ignore me. The boy's hand flew under the girl's shirt, his fingers lingered near her navel, teasing her then travelled up her tummy. She let out a low moan which showed that my plea had only catalyzed their make-out session. I ignored my thirst and went through the back door, annoyed.
The backyard was worse than the kitchen.
Teenagers seem to have a knack for breaking objects, both sentimental and ordinary. Shards of broken glass line the grass. A torn family picture lay on the grass, soaked in what looked like wine. I picked it up and sniffed.
Ribena.
The torn piece was nowhere to be found. The picture showed what was supposed to be a family of four but the torn part had taken off a whole face, now there was only the father, mother and a boy instead of 2. Or a girl.Voluntary destruction.
I like it.
All the noise in the backyard emanated from the group of teenagers in a circle hyping someone in the middle. It's probably a girl twerking or some morbid game of truth or dares.
"Tess!Hey!Where've you been?"
I turned to whoever bumped into me expecting to see someone I didn't know.
But I did. Everyone did.
It's Brandon Madden. The rich heir to his father's multimillionaire company, the school's pride and joy, the most popular boy in the school, probably the host of this party. Who didn't know him?
And he smelled like alcohol.
"What's wrong with your makeup?", he said and ruffled my hair. I draw back. Did he know me? Who was Tess? Was there something wrong with my makeup?
"I think you've got the wrong person", I said and turned to walk away. But he grabbed my wrist.
"I'm sorry. Please don't walk away, I can't stand being left alone".
His words seem to sink into me and unfold this tender part of myself I had never even known existed. It was like I had been wanting to hear that all night. Like it was the 'boost' I had been looking for. I stop running.
I'm tired of running from everything that I feel isn't right. I'm only human. I'm only a teenager. I shouldn't be running away from the most popular boy in school.
He pulls me closer and I look up at him, embracing whatever this burning feeling in my chest is.
"H-Hi", I stutter.
"Hi", he replies. He replies. He doesn't walk away or snicker. It's not a prank. It's not a dare. Maybe he doesn't know who I am or I'm probably dreaming. I take my chance.
"Is there something wrong with my makeup?".
"No, it's just...you look different. It's Tess, right?"
"Are you drunk?"
"Just high"
"I'm Kiera. You probably don't know me"
"You're probably right", he smirks.
I lied. I don't know why I lied about my name and why I smile-I think I do; because I find myself strangely enjoying this which I find weird. Maybe it's a weird smile. Maybe I smirked as he did.
"Can I get you a drink or something? Just wanna get to know you better"
"Don't you have somewhere to be with your girlfriend or something?.It's just, you're never alone".
It's too unusual, finding the most worshipped boy in the school all alone, wanting company so bad that he wouldn't mind talking to a stranger. How ironic.
"I..don't want to think about that or her. I just wanna chat with you, you give off this good energy. I dunno"
I was thirsty. I was bored. This was Brandon Madden wanting to talk to ME. It wouldn't hurt. It definitely wouldn't hurt.
"Sure"
With that, he leads me back to the makeout-infested kitchen. This time, there's no one leaning on the fridge. Just great.
He opens the fridge and takes out a few surprisingly intact bottles, two plastic cups and half a lime. He goes to the island table where a bunch of hippies remained, sniffing drugs and whatnot. He doesn't even bat an eye or move a muscle. They clear out quickly, giving him the space he needed.
I wish I had that kind of dominance.
It's euphoric, watching him sluggishly mix one thing after the other with precision. It looks like he doesn't know what he's doing yet it makes sense what he makes and how it looks. The more I look, the more I see he's more professional than I thought.
"Like what you see?"
I hadn't noticed how my staring had shifted from the plastic cups to his torso. It was admirable, defined like a statue, and his shirt only made it worse.
"Maybe I do"
The first part was kinda scary, I did find it interesting although I'm not the type of person to be into romance and anything sexual so it wouldn't something I would normally read. But then again I think this was really well written, kinda confusing but I think it has good potential.
Reply 2
Suddenly changes tense from past to present.

With speech, the punctuation marks go inside the inverted commas: "Hello," he said, "I'm Brandon."

If that is the intro to what is going to be a much longer story, you need to 'show, not tell'. Don't just say Brandon is the most popular guy in school, you give examples of why.
Reply 3
Original post by Surnia
Suddenly changes tense from past to present.

With speech, the punctuation marks go inside the inverted commas: "Hello," he said, "I'm Brandon."

If that is the intro to what is going to be a much longer story, you need to 'show, not tell'. Don't just say Brandon is the most popular guy in school, you give examples of why.

pls could you elaborate on the part where it suddenly changes tense from past to present?
i'm a bit confused
thenks
Reply 4
Original post by starxoxox
pls could you elaborate on the part where it suddenly changes tense from past to present?
i'm a bit confused
thenks

Changes to present tense starting from

Voluntary destruction. I like it.

What's wrong with your makeup?", he said and ruffled my hair. I draw back.

"He pulls me closer and I look up at him..."

Plenty of other instances after these.

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