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Transaction writing help

Please mark as im not the best at it! My exam board is eduqas.

You've heard about a sponsored challenge in which participants will do a 20-mile walk across hills and rugged country. Money will be raised for a charity but the challenge will be physically tough. Write a letter to persuade a friend to take part.

Dear Sophie,

How are you? It seems like such a long time since we last spoke and since you haven't unpacked at your new place, I thought I'd drop you a line. I do miss you being my next door neighbour but at least you didn't go too far! In fact, I've got some big news to tell you.

Whilst I was out walking Toby yesterday, I spotted a flyer advertising a 20-mile walk over rugged country and guess what, I instantly thought of you! I must admit it would be quite a laugh as the last time I recall you doing any exercise was in year 11 PE, 10 years ago, when frankly, your effort was pretty pathetic and you had two left feet. You and I can run together, it would be so much fun.

Are you up for it? It's also for charity so why not? Admittedly, the fact that your current hobbies are drinking wine and eating cheese may slow your progress somewhat, but what's better than running a 20-mile run on a full stomach? Don't worry we won't don't have to run at marathon speeds as it's all about taking part! You also shouldn't let that fact that you don't even own a pair of trainers hold you back. I'm sure many people complete a run in water logged ground in a pair of blue Louis Vuitons.

I am, of course, joking. I just think it would be an absolutely amazing opportunity to try something new, raise money for charity and catch up on the gossip that I've missed. We’ll take it slowly- we don't want an injury! Remember when polly entered the New York marathon? She had cramps for a week after and missed her brother's graduation. I don't think she'll ever run again.

Please come and run with me as I don't exactly want to run alongside sweaty men for 20-miles. Make sure you prepare though, bring lots of water and snacks ( but maybe cut down on the cheesy garlic bread.) Carbohydrates are ideal but that doesn't mean you get to eat lobster ravioli every night.

Most importantly it will be a bit of fun, some time to enjoy ourselves. I mean to a certain extent as we’ll be covered head to toe in mud and wet clothes as the weather forecast isnt looking the best up in Wales. But also think of all those instagrammable photos we can't take of the wonderful landscape full of hills and trees- people go crazy for that stuff! Anyway, it's not for a couple of months so send me a reply with your thoughts, but I hope you'll agree with me that we should do it together.

Speak soon,

Love from Emily
Original post by Emily_!?
Please mark as im not the best at it! My exam board is eduqas.

You've heard about a sponsored challenge in which participants will do a 20-mile walk across hills and rugged country. Money will be raised for a charity but the challenge will be physically tough. Write a letter to persuade a friend to take part.

Dear Sophie,

How are you? It seems like such a long time since we last spoke and since you haven't unpacked at your new place, I thought I'd drop you a line. I do miss you being my next door neighbour but at least you didn't go too far! In fact, I've got some big news to tell you.

Whilst I was out walking Toby yesterday, I spotted a flyer advertising a 20-mile walk over rugged country and guess what, I instantly thought of you! I must admit it would be quite a laugh as the last time I recall you doing any exercise was in year 11 PE, 10 years ago, when frankly, your effort was pretty pathetic and you had two left feet. You and I can run together, it would be so much fun.

Are you up for it? It's also for charity so why not? Admittedly, the fact that your current hobbies are drinking wine and eating cheese may slow your progress somewhat, but what's better than running a 20-mile run on a full stomach? Don't worry we won't don't have to run at marathon speeds as it's all about taking part! You also shouldn't let that fact that you don't even own a pair of trainers hold you back. I'm sure many people complete a run in water logged ground in a pair of blue Louis Vuitons.

I am, of course, joking. I just think it would be an absolutely amazing opportunity to try something new, raise money for charity and catch up on the gossip that I've missed. We’ll take it slowly- we don't want an injury! Remember when polly entered the New York marathon? She had cramps for a week after and missed her brother's graduation. I don't think she'll ever run again.

Please come and run with me as I don't exactly want to run alongside sweaty men for 20-miles. Make sure you prepare though, bring lots of water and snacks ( but maybe cut down on the cheesy garlic bread.) Carbohydrates are ideal but that doesn't mean you get to eat lobster ravioli every night.

Most importantly it will be a bit of fun, some time to enjoy ourselves. I mean to a certain extent as we’ll be covered head to toe in mud and wet clothes as the weather forecast isnt looking the best up in Wales. But also think of all those instagrammable photos we can't take of the wonderful landscape full of hills and trees- people go crazy for that stuff! Anyway, it's not for a couple of months so send me a reply with your thoughts, but I hope you'll agree with me that we should do it together.

Speak soon,

Love from Emily

Hello, Sarah here. I am writing from the point of view of a teacher (I am indeed a student trying to spot how I could give you advice) and I think that your language/ structural devices are amazing, such as the repetition and rhetorical questions, as they convey an engaging tone. I think that perhaps what you could now think about is perhaps using an anecdote. I have spotted that you have used indirect anecdotes such as past times with friends. (this will further persuade intended audience/ unlock top marks)

Also, just re-read over your last paragraph, I am not sure if this is intentional (via copy/ paste from your work document), but there are some technical inaccuracies, such as the word 'instagrammable' or 'isn't'. This however, is easy to adapt to and very simple. This will boost your marks because a heap of marks are awarded for your 'SPAG' (spelling, punctuation and grammar)

Maybe, you can find some exemplar answers for the exam board for that year/ other years and compare to your own/ see what you like from the models provided, to adapt or weave into your own work. Your writing style is very nice, as you have critically developed simple ideas and thought about the questions form. Whenever you write, just think PVA (person writing to, voice (how you want to come across e.g formal) and also ambitious vocabulary). Overall, I would say this is a brilliant piece of work, even a top mark answer. Hope this little advice helps.

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