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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by sentiment)
    It's really starting to sink in how much I've screwed myself over with my behaviour over the last five years. I went back to the hospital this morning for my follow-up after I broke my wrist last Friday. I thought there was only one break in it but apparently there's actually four. When the doctor first brought up my X-rays she thought she had the wrong person's because she said it looks like the wrist of an old woman. She asked about my diet and my periods and I lied through my teeth. I'd been considering bringing it up today but when the time came I couldn't bring myself to admit it. I think I'm only just really starting to admit it to myself. Anyway she brought the osteoperosis specialist to see me which led to more discussions about food, more lying, me desperately trying not to cry as she told me all her patients are over 50 (I'm 20). They're sending me for a bone scan when I come back to uni in October, and she tried to take blood for a massive set of tests but I'm so dehydrated that she didn't even get half a vial full and now I've got a massive bruise on my arm because they only had big needles and I've got tiny veins apparently.

    I'm terrified of what's going to happen and how I'm supposed to tell my mum when I talk to her tonight.
    I have tiny veins too - the last time I had blood taken the nurse asked how I was and I said that I always fainted so she used an extra small needle and I was fine, it really makes a difference. :hugs: I know it's hard but it's best to be as honest as possible with doctors, they're not there to judge but just to help.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have tiny veins too - the last time I had blood taken the nurse asked how I was and I said that I always fainted so she used an extra small needle and I was fine, it really makes a difference. :hugs: I know it's hard but it's best to be as honest as possible with doctors, they're not there to judge but just to help.
    What we got told by our form tutor when loads of us were going to donate blood for the first time was to make sure we'd drank lots of water beforehand, and try and make sure your warm so that they can find your veins. Atleast you didnt get asked if you were a drug addict because all the veins in your arms have collapsed.
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    (Original post by sentiment)
    I'm terrified of what's going to happen and how I'm supposed to tell my mum when I talk to her tonight.
    :hugs: Show her this place?
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    What we got told by our form tutor when loads of us were going to donate blood for the first time was to make sure we'd drank lots of water beforehand, and try and make sure your warm so that they can find your veins. Atleast you didnt get asked if you were a drug addict because all the veins in your arms have collapsed.
    Yeah I've always had trouble with blood tests because I guess I get very dehydrated, unfortunately I wasn't expecting them to do bloods on a routine fracture check-up or I would have prepared better!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have tiny veins too - the last time I had blood taken the nurse asked how I was and I said that I always fainted so she used an extra small needle and I was fine, it really makes a difference. :hugs: I know it's hard but it's best to be as honest as possible with doctors, they're not there to judge but just to help.
    Yeah I think I just didn't have time to process all the information at once and so my instinct was just to tell them what they wanted to hear. If I have to go to my GP here though to follow up the results of my scan I'll do my best to tell the truth.
    • #113
    #113

    Hey guys need some advice,

    Lately each time I purge there's always been blood. It's bright red in colour and usually it does not worry me too much because I know deep red is a sign that there is problem, but lately it has been happening every time and there is a fair amount of it. My throat is sore literally all the time. I'm not sure where all this blood is coming from - anyone experience something similar?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey guys need some advice,

    Lately each time I purge there's always been blood. It's bright red in colour and usually it does not worry me too much because I know deep red is a sign that there is problem, but lately it has been happening every time and there is a fair amount of it. My throat is sore literally all the time. I'm not sure where all this blood is coming from - anyone experience something similar?
    I don't purge but I would assume if it's bright read it's coming from your oesophagus and I would take that as a serious sign to go to see a doctor before you do any more damage to your body...hopefully someone with a bit more knowledge/experience can give you some better advice. Hope you're okay though, I know how scary it is xx
    • #82
    #82

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey guys need some advice,

    Lately each time I purge there's always been blood. It's bright red in colour and usually it does not worry me too much because I know deep red is a sign that there is problem, but lately it has been happening every time and there is a fair amount of it. My throat is sore literally all the time. I'm not sure where all this blood is coming from - anyone experience something similar?
    Yeah, I was in a similarish situation a few months back. I'd really try to stop purging - I know it's not easy but purging is only going to make you binge later (I'm sure you've heard all the bulimia talk before). Although the bloods bright red, so you haven't got internal bleeding yet, the fact that your oesophagus is so damaged the surface is being broken with every purge would mean you're at high risk of rupturing your oesophagus. If it ruptures you'll see dark coloured blood and you need to call an ambulance quick. Rupture could happen at any time during any purge, but obviously the more you purge the more likely it is to happen.

    I'd go to the GP - I know sometimes they're crap but from the sounds of it you need help soon. I haven't purged in over 2 weeks now (a very long time for me I'm sad to say) and the sore throat has gone. Slowly cut back on the purging - trust me that in a few weeks you'll feel better than you have done in ages.
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    (Original post by Aemiliana)
    Hi, I posted here a while ago. I used to have anorexia and now I binge. It's getting better thanks to the medication I'm on for depression but it's still there and it massively gets me down. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess I've just got to really face up to it that it's not normal or healthy and once again I'm at that place in the road where I have to admit that I need help.
    Good to hear from you again, Aemiliana how have things been? Is there anyone you trust to confide in about how you feel and what you do (maybe someone who already knows about your depression)?
    Do you recognise any of your triggers for binging yet? It's so important to identify what makes you want to eat before it happens. And do you have any coping mechanisms in place for when they might occur (or actually, after?)
    Spoiler:
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    Preoccupying yourself in something pleasurable and relaxing lets your body and mind recover from the binging much quicker than sitting there stressing about it. Last night was the third binge in 3 days, my body was so far past it I nearly fainted, and I was dehydrated to the point my eyes were almost bleeding. Chose to accept it, bought a costume for a birthday night out next week which I am going on mental illness or none, watched a film with mates, within a few hours I was able to socialise in the pub with them. If symptoms persist I'd suggest telling your doctor, but I've been checked enough times over to take it as it is and let it pass, as it invariably will.

    Are you still doing the running and stuff, maybe? Exercise in moderation helps to de-stress loads. I find doing stuff with people puts you in a much less disordered mindset about the exercise too, e.g. I can't go break myself playing badminton with my best mate and his dad!
    Yes, it's true that binging and other behaviours aren't healthy at all and aren't really 'normal' either, but I wouldn't judge yourself for that. You're in distress, and until now this has been the way you've handled it, the only way you could consider or accept. That's natural, if maladaptive. Now you've decided to let it go, and find better ways to cope. That's perfectly normal and how we grow. But in any case, I've said before and I'll say it again-who defines normality, and why does it matter? Isn't being at peace in yourself better than conformity?

    major product placement moment :P
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    I've been reading another self-help book, 'Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat' by Michelle May. It's designed mainly for chronic yo-yo dieters but it covers both the restrictive and the overeating spectrum and the associated triggers so can apply to those with eating disorders too. It's comprehensive and looks at everything from extremities to those who unconsciously emotionally eat-as in the majority of the population! So far it's been great for me because being on the fringe of DSM-IV rather than diagnosed, I can have both overeating and restricting at the same time and it's hell to understand how that works. But people can't be put in a box eh
    It even looks at the mentality of a truly intuitive eater to help re-learn the process of mindfulness. You know, the friends whose lives don't revolve around food, their weight or their body, they don't even have to have a structured meal plan. They can just eat what and how much they want to suit their immediate circumstances-literally eat when hungry at varying degrees of their choosing, stop when full at varying degrees of their choosing-and still stay fit and healthy, and manage their weight effortlessly for years? Seems like a dream to me after all these years, but maybe it's not. It's dawned on me that anyone who invests their time and energy into true self-love and understanding can have that relationship with food and their world.

    Definite thumbs-up to read. Could help?
    :hugs:
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by Riku)
    major product placement moment :P
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    I've been reading another self-help book, 'Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat' by Michelle May. It's designed mainly for chronic yo-yo dieters but it covers both the restrictive and the overeating spectrum and the associated triggers so can apply to those with eating disorders too. It's comprehensive and looks at everything from extremities to those who unconsciously emotionally eat-as in the majority of the population! So far it's been great for me because being on the fringe of DSM-IV rather than diagnosed, I can have both overeating and restricting at the same time and it's hell to understand how that works. But people can't be put in a box eh
    It even looks at the mentality of a truly intuitive eater. You know, the friends whose lives don't revolve around food, their weight or their body, they don't even have to have a structured meal plan. They can just eat what and how much they want to suit their immediate circumstances-literally eat when hungry at varying degrees of their choosing, stop when full at varying degrees of their choosing-and still stay fit and healthy, and manage their weight effortlessly for years? Seems like a dream to me after all these years, but maybe it's not. It's dawned on me that anyone who invests their time and energy into true self-love and understanding can have that relationship with food and their world.

    Definite thumbs-up to read. Could help?
    :hugs:
    I used to be like that. I used to scoff at people who worried about what to eat and have always been someone to encourage people to eat what they want because they want it and it'll make them happy to eat it. Now I'm the same as them I wish I could have that back.

    Now for troubles of my own... spoilered for excessive food talk
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Been really down in the dumps recently and suffering from quite bad anxiety/paranoia (I am terrified my depression is misdiagnosed/developing into schizophrenia or bipolar if I'm honest) and it's an effort to leave the house. I can now walk over to the local supermarket which is about 15 minutes walk away but ONLY if I grab myself something to eat or drink whilst I'm there. Yesterday was horrible as I spent the day binging - ate so much that I wouldn't normally do. In the end I had:
    Breakfast - A banana, two biscuits, a wheatabix
    Lunch - One ham and cheese toasty, a packet of crisps and a J20 (normally I avoid drinks with calories in apart from the odd alcoholic drink)
    Snack - Nectarine, two petit filous, handful of jelly babies
    Dinner - Normal portion of dinner, cake bar for dessert
    Snack II - A Magnum icecream (I love them but have avoided them because they seem too indulgent), two more cake bars, and half a pot of taramasalata with crackers. Just couldn't stop eating and in the end I wasn't even full

    Normally I'd just have the stuff in italics. Sigh.


    Because of the anxiety thing, I've not had much exercise, and I'm really missing swimming but I just can't handle the crowds.
    • #114
    #114

    This is my first post and I'm really sorry it's so long, but I'm going to admit some stuff to myself for probably the first time; I am getting a bit scared of the eating disorder that I think I've been developing in complete denial for a long time. It put me in hospital last weekend and I'm trying to work out how this started/where i came from as it's just escalating. I've had major money worries since graduating a couple of years back and was unemployed for a long time, constantly fretting about what to do next, and something started to click about a year ago when I realised I could control one thing - my weight - and I started becoming aware of the calories in EVERYTHING. I began with just purging, usually at least twice every day, for about 3 months. I started restricting too then, started filling up on loads of diet fizzy drinks even when I got a job (instead of having lunch). By the time I started my next job, I developed the 'safe foods' list I still stick to every time I'm in a supermarket on my own. It is usually: cherry tomatoes (but I have cut these out too, over the past 2 weeks), grilled chicken breast, fat free plain yoghurt, very low cal green veg (lettuce/celery/cucumber/sometimes broccoli), diet Coke. I always loved food but in the past 4 months I have eaten everything so slowly, cut portion sizes to about a third, and either purge or restrict for days after diverting from the 'safe foods' even slightly. Thats why this post really struck a chord with me:

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Been really down in the dumps recently and suffering from quite bad anxiety/paranoia (I am terrified my depression is misdiagnosed/developing into schizophrenia or bipolar if I'm honest) and it's an effort to leave the house. I can now walk over to the local supermarket which is about 15 minutes walk away but ONLY if I grab myself something to eat or drink whilst I'm there. Yesterday was horrible as I spent the day binging - ate so much that I wouldn't normally do. In the end I had:
    Breakfast - A banana, two biscuits, a wheatabix
    Lunch - One ham and cheese toasty, a packet of crisps and a J20 (normally I avoid drinks with calories in apart from the odd alcoholic drink)
    Snack - Nectarine, two petit filous, handful of jelly babies
    Dinner - Normal portion of dinner, cake bar for dessert
    Snack II - A Magnum icecream (I love them but have avoided them because they seem too indulgent), two more cake bars, and half a pot of taramasalata with crackers. Just couldn't stop eating and in the end I wasn't even full
    Normally I'd just have the stuff in italics. Sigh.
    Having any extras, even just a piece of bread, a banana (one of my major fears but I keep eating them in desperation when I feel dizzy/faint during the day, and then guilt tripping for hours afterwards/going to the gym to burn it off even if I've already been that day), or especially any 'normal' meals (such as a sit-down lunch or dinner), scares me so much. I feel so bad after eating even if it's just a small Kitkat (this evening's transgression), or a yoghurt which isn't non fat or contains any sugar.

    But what is scariest of all is that I was hospitalized last weekend with severe bradycardia (very slow heart rate); I started getting palpitations on Saturday after a week of very strict small portins of low-fat protein only. On going to A&E they found my heart rate was going below 30 BPM occasionally and I was admitted for 2 days, the tests of my heart rate and function are still ongoing. And deep down I know that this will have been in large part to the fact that I haven't eaten meals with any regularity for months. But I don't know what to do. I am currently just under 8 stone and 5'3", I have been quite overweight a few years ago but before my ED started I was probably OK, certainly not over 9 stone. Now I am terrified of being any heavier than I currently am, but with my bradycardia it could be dangerous to keep restricting like this. I want to be 'normal', but I have as many irrational moments as rational ones. The ED is playing tricks on my mind and I know it, but I also know I'll probably wake up tomorrow and not touch anything except for black coffee, raw veg with a small amount of fruit (I've begun to massively restrict fruit for the first time in my life, which says a lot), and low to no fat protein maybe once in the day.

    Even as I'm typing all this, I feel like I'll wake up enormous because I ate a KitKat and some chocolate raisins and half a banana earlier, when my heart started feeling scarily slow again. I know restricted eating causes the condition but I still don't know if I can stop. ARRRGHHH. What makes it worse is living with my sister who is open about the fact she 'just wants to be thin'/'a waif' not healthy, and who restricts heavily herself (but she is taller/bigger built and seems to lose slower.) If she's losing, I don't want to be gaining. But I want to be normal. I also want to be thin. There seems no way for me - my BMI is apparently in the lower range of normal, but clearly the ED is physically affecting my functions already. I know it's getting out of control, and I worry how much worse it can get.
    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I used to be like that. I used to scoff at people who worried about what to eat and have always been someone to encourage people to eat what they want because they want it and it'll make them happy to eat it. Now I'm the same as them I wish I could have that back.

    Now for troubles of my own... spoilered for excessive food talk
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Been really down in the dumps recently and suffering from quite bad anxiety/paranoia (I am terrified my depression is misdiagnosed/developing into schizophrenia or bipolar if I'm honest) and it's an effort to leave the house. I can now walk over to the local supermarket which is about 15 minutes walk away but ONLY if I grab myself something to eat or drink whilst I'm there. Yesterday was horrible as I spent the day binging - ate so much that I wouldn't normally do. In the end I had:
    Breakfast - A banana, two biscuits, a wheatabix
    Lunch - One ham and cheese toasty, a packet of crisps and a J20 (normally I avoid drinks with calories in apart from the odd alcoholic drink)
    Snack - Nectarine, two petit filous, handful of jelly babies
    Dinner - Normal portion of dinner, cake bar for dessert
    Snack II - A Magnum icecream (I love them but have avoided them because they seem too indulgent), two more cake bars, and half a pot of taramasalata with crackers. Just couldn't stop eating and in the end I wasn't even full

    Normally I'd just have the stuff in italics. Sigh.


    Because of the anxiety thing, I've not had much exercise, and I'm really missing swimming but I just can't handle the crowds.
    I used to be like that. I used to scoff at people who worried about what to eat and have always been someone to encourage people to eat what they want becausethey want it and it'll make them happy to eat it. Now I'm the same as them I wish I could have that back.

    Now for troubles of my own... spoilered for excessive food talk
    Spoiler:
    Been really down in the dumps recently and suffering from quite bad anxiety/paranoia (I am terrified my depression is misdiagnosed/developing into schizophrenia or bipolar if I'm honest) and it's an effort to leave the house. I can now walk over to the local supermarket which is about 15 minutes walk away but ONLY if I grab myself something to eat or drink whilst I'm there. Yesterday was horrible as I spent the day binging - ate so much that I wouldn't normally do. In the end I had:
    Breakfast - A banana, two biscuits, a wheatabix
    Lunch - One ham and cheese toasty, a packet of crisps and a J20 (normally I avoid drinks with calories in apart from the odd alcoholic drink)
    Snack - Nectarine, two petit filous, handful of jelly babies
    Dinner - Normal portion of dinner, cake bar for dessert
    Snack II - A Magnum icecream (I love them but have avoided them because they seem too indulgent), two more cake bars, and half a pot of taramasalata with crackers. Just couldn't stop eating and in the end I wasn't even full

    Normally I'd just have the stuff in italics. Sigh.


    Because of the anxiety thing, I've not had much exercise, and I'm really missing swimming but I just can't handle the crowds.

    Well first off, I can tell you for a fact you're not ‘binging’ in the true sense of the word. This really isn't that much to eat or that ‘junky’ (which I know is a common fear for us); what you've had is what most people have every day, really! Tbh, it’s better than that even, you’re adding healthy a mix of healthy stuff like fruit and treats although I understand right now, they don’t feel like that). It is just your ED talking you into this being a ‘binge’, rather it’s a step in the right direction.
    Spoiler:
    Show

    The only exception being that last snack. But the lack of ‘fullness’ could be down to any of a) needing more protein and fibre from complex carbs, b) losing sense of satiety ,c) the restriction. Most likely the restriction. After a point your leptin levels fall so far you don’t recognise fullness.

    On top of this, as anyone else will tell you, physically restriction sets you up to binge-it’s the body’s instinctive survival mechanism telling you it’s not liking you starving it!
    However emotional eating that distress you is still a problem-although again I’d stress, it isn’t anything you’ve had in that list, or the amount, which is the problem-it’s the way you feel dependent and then ashamed of it.
    Your depression might have been misdiagnosed, it might have not. They can both coincide though. It’s common for anxiety sufferers to experience depressive symptoms and vice versa. I mean it’s horrible always being worried and on edge about something when you don’t even know exactly what you’re afraid of, it can make you feel hopeless. Likewise anyone who’s entered a depressed mind-set could start seeing the world as hostile and end up anxious. It’s also common for those with BPD to have both too.

    :consoles: about exercise. When first diagnosed with bradycardia I was scared to do anything for ages and now I still am a little due to my own anxiety. But some fresh air might do you some good. Could you ask a friend for a short walk in the park together, maybe? Take their dogs out if they've got any? How would you feel about that?
    Have you considered CBT or counselling who can perhaps offer exposure therapy? Might help loads with what sounds like social anxiety. (And of course, telling you doctor or someone you trust about the ED if you feel ready?)
    You can get through this. I wouldn’t want anyone to become too scared to live the wonderful life they deserve.
    :hugs:
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    Riku to above Anons, btw. Sorry about repeated texts. Incidentally I love swimming and really wanna get back into it too ^-^ it'll happen x
    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This is my first post and I'm really sorry it's so long, but I'm going to admit some stuff to myself for probably the first time; I am getting a bit scared of the eating disorder that I think I've been developing in complete denial for a long time. It put me in hospital last weekend and I'm trying to work out how this started/where i came from as it's just escalating. I've had major money worries since graduating a couple of years back and was unemployed for a long time, constantly fretting about what to do next, and something started to click about a year ago when I realised I could control one thing - my weight - and I started becoming aware of the calories in EVERYTHING. I began with just purging, usually at least twice every day, for about 3 months. I started restricting too then, started filling up on loads of diet fizzy drinks even when I got a job (instead of having lunch). By the time I started my next job, I developed the 'safe foods' list I still stick to every time I'm in a supermarket on my own. It is usually: cherry tomatoes (but I have cut these out too, over the past 2 weeks), grilled chicken breast, fat free plain yoghurt, very low cal green veg (lettuce/celery/cucumber/sometimes broccoli), diet Coke. I always loved food but in the past 4 months I have eaten everything so slowly, cut portion sizes to about a third, and either purge or restrict for days after diverting from the 'safe foods' even slightly. Thats why this post really struck a chord with me:



    Having any extras, even just a piece of bread, a banana (one of my major fears but I keep eating them in desperation when I feel dizzy/faint during the day, and then guilt tripping for hours afterwards/going to the gym to burn it off even if I've already been that day), or especially any 'normal' meals (such as a sit-down lunch or dinner), scares me so much. I feel so bad after eating even if it's just a small Kitkat (this evening's transgression), or a yoghurt which isn't non fat or contains any sugar.

    But what is scariest of all is that I was hospitalized last weekend with severe bradycardia (very slow heart rate); I started getting palpitations on Saturday after a week of very strict small portins of low-fat protein only. On going to A&E they found my heart rate was going below 30 BPM occasionally and I was admitted for 2 days, the tests of my heart rate and function are still ongoing. And deep down I know that this will have been in large part to the fact that I haven't eaten meals with any regularity for months. But I don't know what to do. I am currently just under 8 stone and 5'3", I have been quite overweight a few years ago but before my ED started I was probably OK, certainly not over 9 stone. Now I am terrified of being any heavier than I currently am, but with my bradycardia it could be dangerous to keep restricting like this. I want to be 'normal', but I have as many irrational moments as rational ones. The ED is playing tricks on my mind and I know it, but I also know I'll probably wake up tomorrow and not touch anything except for black coffee, raw veg with a small amount of fruit (I've begun to massively restrict fruit for the first time in my life, which says a lot), and low to no fat protein maybe once in the day.

    Even as I'm typing all this, I feel like I'll wake up enormous because I ate a KitKat and some chocolate raisins and half a banana earlier, when my heart started feeling scarily slow again. I know restricted eating causes the condition but I still don't know if I can stop. ARRRGHHH. What makes it worse is living with my sister who is open about the fact she 'just wants to be thin'/'a waif' not healthy, and who restricts heavily herself (but she is taller/bigger built and seems to lose slower.) If she's losing, I don't want to be gaining. But I want to be normal. I also want to be thin. There seems no way for me - my BMI is apparently in the lower range of normal, but clearly the ED is physically affecting my functions already. I know it's getting out of control, and I worry how much worse it can get.
    There isn't much I can offer, sorry. I'm so glad you recognise that this has gone too far and has now become something life-threatening. An ED never offers real security, its control is an illusion. Fortunately the hospital knows now, and I hope you can co-operate with them in recovering.
    Why is it a 'transgression' that you had a KitKat? Is it a sin to eat a chocolate bar? What boundary have you crossed? What makes it so that they can have it, but you can't? These are things I hope you can talk about with a therapist once your medical tests are secure.
    I wouldn't compete with your sister. She might have her own difficulties leading her to want to lose weight so unhealthily. Life isn't a competition!

    You don't have to be thin to be happy. You can be you! That is the greatest happiness in the world, to know you're a beautiful person.

    :hugs:
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    Ok. I feel just by posting this here its a step in the right direction. I'm admitting I'm anorexic. My 'inner voice' has been saying it since late last year and I have'nt voiced it anywhere else than here.

    It begun when I had openly chooses to loose weight about a year and a half ago. I was quite 'podgy', not dramatically overweight, yet never comfortable. After being forced to take a gap year until this year as I didn't like any of the universities I finally got a job, and thats where I believed it started. I became incredibly isolated and was a very comfortable size 8, but I was hiding counting calories and such. I lost my appertite and didn't feel hunger anymore. Whilst waiting for customers at work I would write down what I'd eaten and what else I was gonna eat that day, but I'd do it constantly.

    As my periods stopped at around the same time I started my job I blamed the fact that because of such a change thats the reason why they have seized.

    After not having one still, and this time being January, my mum found out and took me to the doctors. Yes, my bmi was a little under but nothing to worry about. Physically, I looked fine.

    Since the end of March I've been signed off work with anxiety and depression and I'm on anti depressants. My weight is still dropping dramatically and I can't escape this cycle of calorie counting and obsession with food. Going out to eat fills me with utter dread to the point of tears, even when others cook I feel full throttle fear. My depression is lower than ever. I can't seem to eat over an estimate of 800 calorie, anything under I feel like its an achievement but then the next day when I see myself I want to change and feel utter guilt and disgust. Disgust in what I've done to myself. I currently weigh around 6 stone.

    I'm incredibly lucky to have a super supportive family behind me, yet sometimes I feel smothered by them caring TOO much. I'm ashamed of how I look, my mood, the fact I can't enjoy anything anymore.

    My mum even said to me last night 'You seem like your holding something back, because you don't seem to be changing'. If I could just blurt it out to someone I know I'd get better, but I'm so frightened.
    • #43
    #43

    Why do I think I need more protein to build muscle one minute and then decide that's a binge the next >_<
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    If there are any recovering bulimics in this thread, I was just wondering how you got help? It's just that I'm a coward and I don't have the courage to tell anyone. I don't even look like I have an ED because I've been doing for so long that no matter how much I vomit I will always end up gaining some weight and no matter how hard I exercise I just can't lose enough calories...

    To be honest, I don't even know why I'm asking because I doubt I will ever reach out for help. I guess I'm just interested.


    This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
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    Hi... I haven't posted in here yet, but I've been lurking for a while. I'm just having a bit of trouble at the minute.

    Spoilered for calorie talk.
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    I'm trying to 'eat healthily', i.e. have at least 1200 calories per day. I started this a couple weeks ago and it was going well. However I have started developing habits that I used to have, where I compulsively weigh every bit of food and plan every single thing that I eat on mfp. I keep telling myself I'm going to have 1200 calories, but if I log a plan and it comes to less than that I am secretly pleased. And I log my exercise on it, and tell myself I will eat the extra calories, but then don't and again am pleased with myself.

    I have had around 600 calories today. I want to have more but there is no healthy food left (unless I go and steam some vegetables, but then my family would think that was a bit weird). And I don't want to binge. If I start having a slice of bread or something then I know I won't stop at that, because that is something I have b/pd on before. I can't enjoy any food that I have once b/pd on anymore because I think the same thing will happen again if I eat it

    So I either leave it at 600 calories and feel okay, or I attempt to eat something and probably end up eating far more than I wanted to. I feel so pathetic writing this

    And part of me is happy I've eaten so little, even though I know its not healthy and won't help me lose weight. I know its better to eat more than that. Arggh.

    Sorry for such a long post! I need some advice..
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    I haven't purged in over a year and it's been a while since I restricted, but then again I have my family here for support.

    I'm so afraid that when I go to graduate school ED will come back.
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    Bear in mind your ED never dies. You never unlearn things; you never just stop all those compulsions outright. But you personally have to choose how much of you will be you, and how much will be the demon.

    At one point I was maybe 90% demon. I lived for it. It was my pet, my only friend, my shield from the real world... My bubble. But then I poked my head out and saw life passing me by. People getting more successful. My niece and nephew growing from babies into toddlers. My childhood friends marrying. I had missed so, so much. Like a cryogenic chamber, I had been kept static from the world around me, oblivious. Only this cryogenic chamber was sapping my life away. Killing me.

    It is a leech, killing you in the moat devious way possible. When the ED latches hold, you may never detach it, but you always have the power to regulate how much, or how little - of your life it is going to have.

    Me? I am about 85% me, 15% demon now. But I revel in how I've changed. Using my terrible knowledge to fuel recovery by seeing those bad signs and anxieties that would otherwise cripple me emotionally, but continuing on with an almost sadistic defiance; only to realise that "sadism" was actually "healthy" in disguise!!
 
 
 
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