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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Would this be something you would be likely to read if completed/published?
    Yes Good luck with it! Sounds good x
    • #129
    #129

    Feel like a bit of an imposter for posting in this thread, but I don't really know where else to go, so...

    I used to struggle EDNOS and purging through my last couple of years of highschool. My parents found out, and forced me into therapy and to eat normally again. Since then, I've gained all the weight I'd lost back and more and been pretty successful in drowning out a lot of sneaky ED thoughts with a ridiculous work and hobbies.

    But I'm moving out for university for a couple of weeks, and I've noticed some of my old habits coming back over the past few months. I feel like maybe I'm trying to pick up from where I left off now that I wont have my parents peering over my shoulder...

    I really, really don't want to get help- I never wanted to recover in the first place, and I know that I should nip this in the bud but I just can't. If i'm honest, I don't really know why I'm posting this here. I just wanted to out somewhere, I guess...
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    An important point: there's either a problem or there isn't. There's no " small ED".
    Either your eating is normal, carefree and simple... Or not. X
    • #128
    #128

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Feel like a bit of an imposter for posting in this thread, but I don't really know where else to go, so...

    I used to struggle EDNOS and purging through my last couple of years of highschool. My parents found out, and forced me into therapy and to eat normally again. Since then, I've gained all the weight I'd lost back and more and been pretty successful in drowning out a lot of sneaky ED thoughts with a ridiculous work and hobbies.

    But I'm moving out for university for a couple of weeks, and I've noticed some of my old habits coming back over the past few months. I feel like maybe I'm trying to pick up from where I left off now that I wont have my parents peering over my shoulder...

    I really, really don't want to get help- I never wanted to recover in the first place, and I know that I should nip this in the bud but I just can't. If i'm honest, I don't really know why I'm posting this here. I just wanted to out somewhere, I guess...
    Hi there, I couldn't help but reply to you because our situations are (or in my case were) almost terrifyingly similar.

    This is my full story but it's long so I spoilered

    Spoiler:
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    I struggled hugely with food and weight throughout high school and got diagnosed with EDNOS just before sixth form. It got particularly bad in my final year and I ended up in hospital on more than one occasion. My parents gave me an ultimatum - get better or you can't go to university. Sounds unfair right? It certainly did to my duplicitous little ED that went "Just get better for now because once your at university they'll never know! Mwahahaha!" So I ate and everything seemed fine and sort of went back to normal. Then I got my exam results and that turned out good and I started getting ready for uni, but just like you I found myself, almost subconsciously, sinking gradually back into old habits. My parents work full time so skipping breakfast and lunch was easy, as was running 3miles a day. Didn't last long though, parents realised what was going on and pulled the plug on uni. It's just as well they did though because I'm pretty sure if they'd let me go I'd probably be dead, and that was the thought that sort of shocked me back into reality.

    I've technically been recovered for six months. I've got a healthy BMI and haven't exhibited ED behaviour for about nine months. I'm also finally going to university and I'm so excited/nervous that I can barely sit still. I do struggle sometimes and have a tendency to freak out over tiny little weight-related things (see my previous post on 220) but I'd take the struggle over not even being here any day!


    Firsly, I've been where you are, and I'm sure a few others here have too; 'recovering' with no intention of actually recovering. EDs are such personal and selfish conditions that recovery isn't something other people can truly force on you. You can pretend, you can go through the motions of health and churn out the right answers to the questions, but until you really want to you can't kick it

    I will say that I think you should try to get some help, because otherwise life becomes more terrifying and complicated than it ever needs to be and you don't really want that when you go off to university. Who wants to be the person that can't join in a big group pizza-and-beer-fest or something without worrying about when you'll be able to make it to washroom and how you'll hide this rather ugly side of you from your new friends?

    We're all far too young and lovely to have to worry about these things so stay strong and fight them ED thoughts!

    And the reason you're posting here is because you want someone to know what you're going through and to ease your mind a little, even if it's just strangers. It's why the invented the anonymous box
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Does the guilt that comes with eating ever go away? I can't imagine ever eating a meal without worrying about it. Even when I eat normally, I can't pick my fork up and think nothing of it. I eat it, I acheive my goals, but I still worry. Will this ever stop? I can't live the rest of my life feeling guilty for eating.
    It does, it honestly does. You can learn to like and love food again without guilt. I've been recovered for ages now and I can honestly say I enjoy good food without guilt and without getting obsessed. I've learnt to treat food as a nutritional source. It keeps me strong, it keeps everything going and working inside me, it makes other people happy if I eat too because it's a sociable thing. Going for a meal, having a dinner party etc. is part of life, it brings people together. Eating is a good thing and one day you'll realise that too. It's not impossible x
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    It does, it honestly does. You can learn to like and love food again without guilt. I've been recovered for ages now and I can honestly say I enjoy good food without guilt and without getting obsessed. I've learnt to treat food as a nutritional source. It keeps me strong, it keeps everything going and working inside me, it makes other people happy if I eat too because it's a sociable thing. Going for a meal, having a dinner party etc. is part of life, it brings people together. Eating is a good thing and one day you'll realise that too. It's not impossible x
    YAY. I love a bit of positivism on this thread. It's what keeps me going. To see that there's green grass on the other side and I'm not on this tough trek for nothing. YOU'RE SO COOL.

    just saying
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    It does, it honestly does. You can learn to like and love food again without guilt. I've been recovered for ages now and I can honestly say I enjoy good food without guilt and without getting obsessed. I've learnt to treat food as a nutritional source. It keeps me strong, it keeps everything going and working inside me, it makes other people happy if I eat too because it's a sociable thing. Going for a meal, having a dinner party etc. is part of life, it brings people together. Eating is a good thing and one day you'll realise that too. It's not impossible x
    This is great

    I'm having an awful day. I couldn't manage a McDonalds with the family, so just sat in the car while they ate theirs. Mum called me miserable and everyone looked at me funny. I feel absolutely awful - she made me feel so small and stupid; I want nothing more than to be able to chow down on a big mac and fries but it's so. hard. I didn't refuse just to annoy her, or to be miserable...I refused because I can't do it Now she's in a mood with me and giving me the silent treatment and evil stares, while my sister is getting hugs and they are laughing together.

    Feeling terrible

    I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy. I know I'm going to get better though, eventually, and I'm going to look back on days like this and be proud of getting over them. I will not let it destroy my family. I will NOT.
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    Candle, the restriction is bad, but the isolation is 100% the greater evil. Next time, join them and get a grilled chicken and bacon salad; it's negligible calories
    Spoiler:
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    165KCAL for the whole thing, 130 if you choose no bacon.
    and you still get the experience. It's all baby steps, I've learned it genuinely doesn't have to be "all or nothing" as my ED used to dictate.

    Baby steps sweetheart.
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    Hi all, decided to give this thread one more go despite not much responses before because I now have a dietician but will spoiler the info in case it stresses some people it.

    Spoiler:
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    Basically in the last 3 months have felt physically weak and have not really gained much weight but my clothes are tighter but I am starting to actually starve more and more often living off something like a tin of beans, packet or two of noodles and whatever else I can find to fill up i.e say a few biscuits and not eat at all the rest of the day.

    For me a "treat" is going to local cafe and getting a £5 2 course meal but then I will not eat anything else the rest of the day.

    I am obese though and the occasion where I do eat I go crazy and can stuff my face though I feel sick even if I have not eaten all day after my first bite have to force myself to eat which ends up making me sleepy.

    I dont know if its related b y my doctor is doing special blood tests as before she thought I had some fat on liver which was just down to weight and diet but due to the exhaustion had more done and my liver is getting worse at a rate far more than diet and weight should affect it and she said that could be reason that despite eating little I am gaining weight.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Candle, the restriction is bad, but the isolation is 100% the greater evil. Next time, join them and get a grilled chicken and bacon salad; it's negligible calories
    Spoiler:
    Show
    165KCAL for the whole thing, 130 if you choose no bacon.
    and you still get the experience. It's all baby steps, I've learned it genuinely doesn't have to be "all or nothing" as my ED used to dictate.

    Baby steps sweetheart.
    Thank you, Toto. Your advice is greatly appreciated.

    You are right about the isolation. The way my mum looks at me just breaks my heart. I'm sure she thinks I go into my room at night, chuckling like **** Dastardly, saying "That was a great day of winding mum up by not eating!"
    • #83
    #83

    (Original post by Anonymous)
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    Your post resonates so strongly with me. I've tried for so long to have the dodgy foods moderately but mindless eating just gets in the way and long and behold 1 bowl of cereal or 1 cookie = diet **** up, thus becoming a whole box or ten cookies respectively! Your advice is sound and I will take it on board though.

    Also, it would be so much easier if I had my own place to keep the bad foods out (or so I seem to think. Whenever I de-rail from my diet, I just have that "**** it" mentality and head out to the nearest shop and whip out my debit card) ! Would also be easier if people stopped offering dodgy foods to me as I have to keep declining which not only wear down my willpower as the day goes on, but probably also pisses off the people offering them to me (wish I was more articulate in wording that sentence :lol:!) I wish I was fat again just so people could guess that I'm on a friggin diet...

    Worth noting, I probably should tackle my unhealthy attitude towards food. Simply using the word "dodgy" probably isn't doing me any favours...
    Hey, sorry I haven't replied yet.
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    I stopped following my own advice and have purged everything I ate the past couple days. I went to a doctors appointment on Tuesday (wow, time has passed quickly) about my irregular heartbeat, somewhat intending to tell her about my bulimia, but after she told me it was normal and that I was fine I never bothered. I just felt like I had been worrying over nothing, and that obviously my bulimia isn't that bad if a doctor can tell me that I'm perfectly healthy. So my purge-free days ended and I've just been eating cereal/toast and purging it the past few days. You would think this would make me lose weight, but it hasn't. Even without purging, my net calories were low so I should have lost weight. My metabolism is crap.
    I've pretty much given up now. I don't want to get better anymore, I just want to stop bb/ping and start restricting successfully. I used to be good at it. It was when I decided to 'get better' that all of my problems started. It has really been the worst year
    Wow, sorry for such a negative post. I hope you're doing better.
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    Hi guys, thanks for making this thread.

    I'm gonna ask a really blunt question and I don't wish to cause any offence to anyone, I just need opions... Does anyone actually think it's possible to totally recover from anorexia? As in not just gain weight and look 'normal' but actually keep a healthy mindset about food and exercise issues.

    A bit of background info, I have 'recovered' and relapsed more times than I can think of and I KNOW I need to get better, I KNOW what I'm doing to mysle fis wrong but it's too much.
    Why does the medical system think you can treat a mental illness with physical treatment.. ie. you've achieved your target weight, you're on your own from here!
    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by jft18)
    Hi guys, thanks for making this thread.

    I'm gonna ask a really blunt question and I don't wish to cause any offence to anyone, I just need opions... Does anyone actually think it's possible to totally recover from anorexia? As in not just gain weight and look 'normal' but actually keep a healthy mindset about food and exercise issues.

    A bit of background info, I have 'recovered' and relapsed more times than I can think of and I KNOW I need to get better, I KNOW what I'm doing to mysle fis wrong but it's too much.
    Why does the medical system think you can treat a mental illness with physical treatment.. ie. you've achieved your target weight, you're on your own from here!
    Spoiler:
    Show

    I saw an old friend yesterday, we hit town together. We used to be pretty close but he left our school around GCSE time and fell victim to anorexia after his parents' divorce. I wasn't sure whether he ever wanted to get in touch again because when he first recovered he moved to a different school to start afresh but last year we reconnected online and yesterday, after his first year at uni, we met in person. I was over the moon.

    Obviously I'm not in his head and can't tell but not only did he look the picture of health and vibrancy, his entire attitude seemed a lot more positive and confident. He was the first guy to suggest Maccies after the clubs, and I visibly saw him eat a slice of pizza looking like he enjoyed it before we went. I've seen a photo of him healthy building a tower of Custard Creams when he was bored too :P and he enjoyed it! Not to mention all that other more important stuff like making it to uni, having had a job, being prepared to enter several relationships and being one of the most out-going and popular people I know!
    There was one moment where a 'beer belly' jab was made at another friend. I thought he was going to (especially since we were a little drunk by this time) but he laughed it off.

    Three years ago, this guy had to be sectioned and was on his death-bed, looking at a matter of weeks to live. I'd say it's a miracle, but that's not giving credit to his inner strength to recover and live his life. He's an inspiration to me.
    It's possible, but I feel it takes much more time, a strong support network, and a very good therapist or psychologist to get you to take a good hard look at yourself. It's difficult to realise how deviously you've deceived yourself and your loved ones without it, the distortion can be very subtle with all mental disorders, but especially an eating disorder.
    Then I think when physical recovery can take a year or two, longer depending on the number of relapses, complete mental recovery and reformation takes a few years on top. Not everyone makes it sadly, but everyone has the potential to, and I’m sure you do too. 


    :hugs: about your services. Is there any mental health service you could contact, counsellor, or a person you completely trust who you can open up to to start with and then get in touch with a professional from there?
    I know I felt just like you, got back to a healthy weight half-way through therapy and then chucked out because I turned 19, terrified really. There was still work to do, still is, but it's a lot better. I don't know where I'd be without my family, friends and the teams I work with now. x
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    (Original post by jft18)
    Hi guys, thanks for making this thread.

    I'm gonna ask a really blunt question and I don't wish to cause any offence to anyone, I just need opions... Does anyone actually think it's possible to totally recover from anorexia? As in not just gain weight and look 'normal' but actually keep a healthy mindset about food and exercise issues.

    A bit of background info, I have 'recovered' and relapsed more times than I can think of and I KNOW I need to get better, I KNOW what I'm doing to mysle fis wrong but it's too much.
    Why does the medical system think you can treat a mental illness with physical treatment.. ie. you've achieved your target weight, you're on your own from here!
    It totally is. Speaking from personal experience here Been recovered for 2 years. I go to the gym regularly but I maintain my weight by understanding what I've burnt and what I need to eat to make up for it. It is definitely possible but you need to truly learn to accept yourself and put past issues behind and resolve them to move forward. I think that the reason why you're relapsing is because the underlying issues haven't wholly been dealt with, therefore you go back to the ED again and again. I can honestly say that I now enjoy food -- not to the point of obsession -- and view it as nutritional, tasty and medicine for my body, something that I need to survive.

    Another thing that helps is thinking about what the ED is stealing from you whilst you have it. It stops you from truly living an ordinary life and causes so many complications. You lose so much by having one.

    I have no idea. The thing is, they just discharge you ASAP because you're another drain on the system and they could be treating someone else. Just because you're physically okay doesn't mean you're mentally okay and inevitably, EDs are mental disorders. x
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    Thanks or your reply!!
    I don't really wanna speak to my doc at home again because I know I;d either be told I'm not nderweight enough for emergency treatment (cos I'm 19 and there's never enough room for treatment once your out of child services). But I'm gonna try and puck up the courage to speak to someone proffessional at uni when I go back, depending on how I feel.
    Glad you're doing better!! x
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    And thanks 'Jazzykinks', sounds like you're doing great - well done!! x
    • #121
    #121

    Hey, is it weird to chew/spit? I've started doing this in the past few days, helps to stop me bingeing...
    • #126
    #126

    I just ate a meal... A proper meal... this late at night... with meat! But I was so hungry! And I assumed my body would be able to throw it back up but I can't! No matter how hard I try... I can't! It won't come back up! And I ate too much...

    Oh, I'm freaking out?! I can't do this!?! I'm so tired and sleepy... I can't sleep with all this inside me! I'm so close to bursting into tears... Should I try again in a few minutes? It's all fat... I'll lose everything I've worked so much for... I can't believe I was so stupid to eat... But yet again, I know I needed that food... I need that food to stay inside for my body... But I'm so scared!

    Please, someone help me. I don't want to lose myself like this... What can I do to make this feeling of... fear go away?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey, is it weird to chew/spit? I've started doing this in the past few days, helps to stop me bingeing...
    it's weird in the sense its not normal. I'll admit I've done it before - and it makes me binge.
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    To the frantic last anon... I hope you looked at your post again this morning with an air of clarity and realised how your mental disorder can make you chaotic and abnormally reactive to an absolutely normal human scenario. If I was to post,

    "OMFG HELP, I ATE A BIT OF CAKE! Guys, HELP, HELP, I'm going to gain 6 stones tomorrow!!" - I bet even you would say, "this guy's crazy!", but at the time, your ED does nutty things in your head.

    Read your post out loud, and imagine I was saying those exact words to YOU in person. Breathe. Reflect.
 
 
 
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