Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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That was me 
The following post will not be a gentle nor a praising post, so be warned.
I am beginning to get incredibly frustrated here with posts attempting to offer advice and perspective. Several times now have I offered consolation and insight, some of my recovering peers too, like Riku's recent insights to the group. We have attempted to offer genuine insight and aid, yet mere hours later, the same question arises with our help ignored.
I'm not saying I don't enjoy attempting to help, but if one of the thread's posters has literally attempted to help you, a "Help Help Help" post an hour later disregarding said advice is silly and outright rude. If your goal is to get better, panicking and self-loathing helps a whole heap of nada!
Secondly, I hear a lot of talk about doctors, medication, titles and diagnoses/prognoses. I will let you all in to a very sad truth- nothing miraculously changes. "When I get a doctor, he'll stop the ED." "When I get the tablets, that'll stop my anguish/neuroses". Nope. I thought it would too, don't get me wrong; I too was naive in that belief.
The buck stops with YOU. Before anorexia nervosa had a name, you were"Starving yourself" or "self destructive", and to be honest both of those terms are more appropriate. By giving your disorder a name it's much easier to blame. You start making excuses for yourself like being utterly helpless, and it's"because I'm Anorexic". In the same breath, try saying "I am starving myself on purpose" instead of "anorexic." Use more literal terms. "Sugar terrifies me so I just don't eat anything". " I only eat 1000 calories a day disease". Can you see how the problem becomes less about a title, a name, and more about what you're doing to YOURSELF. YOU are doing it to YOU.
"I don't know what I can do!" - you do. You know fine well. But you WONT. A person afraid to go outside who has no solution really actually has a few VERY simple options, but won't take them. "I can't leave the house or else I'll be outside!" he cries. This is the same as an arbitrary fear of food; it is simply a normal element of life.
I'm taking this harsh stand because I almost killed myself- so, SO close- via anorexia, now a couple of years ago. Nowadays I discuss my stupid rules I had. "Days where I ate 1200 calories I "lost that day" and did 200 situps." Why? Er, who knows. Broken head? Of course!
Anorexia is just stupid, self-imposed, drawn -out suicide, people. Remember that.
I am beginning to get incredibly frustrated here with posts attempting to offer advice and perspective. Several times now have I offered consolation and insight, some of my recovering peers too, like Riku's recent insights to the group. We have attempted to offer genuine insight and aid, yet mere hours later, the same question arises with our help ignored.
I'm not saying I don't enjoy attempting to help, but if one of the thread's posters has literally attempted to help you, a "Help Help Help" post an hour later disregarding said advice is silly and outright rude. If your goal is to get better, panicking and self-loathing helps a whole heap of nada!
Secondly, I hear a lot of talk about doctors, medication, titles and diagnoses/prognoses. I will let you all in to a very sad truth- nothing miraculously changes. "When I get a doctor, he'll stop the ED." "When I get the tablets, that'll stop my anguish/neuroses". Nope. I thought it would too, don't get me wrong; I too was naive in that belief.
The buck stops with YOU. Before anorexia nervosa had a name, you were"Starving yourself" or "self destructive", and to be honest both of those terms are more appropriate. By giving your disorder a name it's much easier to blame. You start making excuses for yourself like being utterly helpless, and it's"because I'm Anorexic". In the same breath, try saying "I am starving myself on purpose" instead of "anorexic." Use more literal terms. "Sugar terrifies me so I just don't eat anything". " I only eat 1000 calories a day disease". Can you see how the problem becomes less about a title, a name, and more about what you're doing to YOURSELF. YOU are doing it to YOU.
"I don't know what I can do!" - you do. You know fine well. But you WONT. A person afraid to go outside who has no solution really actually has a few VERY simple options, but won't take them. "I can't leave the house or else I'll be outside!" he cries. This is the same as an arbitrary fear of food; it is simply a normal element of life.
I'm taking this harsh stand because I almost killed myself- so, SO close- via anorexia, now a couple of years ago. Nowadays I discuss my stupid rules I had. "Days where I ate 1200 calories I "lost that day" and did 200 situps." Why? Er, who knows. Broken head? Of course!
Anorexia is just stupid, self-imposed, drawn -out suicide, people. Remember that.
Original post by TotoMimo
X
Thanks for supporting my post, Toto. I was hoping it could be supportive (about the girl who did a marathon after recovering and Health at Every Size) but a bit afraid it might be triggering/just my ED slithering in the back door again
Good to hear from you DD and sorry you and Snowy are having a rough time right now X
I have to agree with Toto, that as much as these illnesses aren't in our control (that we had a predisposition towards obsessive, perfectionist tendencies and negative or erratic/distorted, cyclic thinking), it is in our control. Once we're aware of what we're doing, that it's not good for us and it's not helping us, but we do it anyway-why do we do it? Because it's got a payback to sticking with it that we don't want to let go of, surely. Until you’re prepared to give up that payback, we’re not going to get anywhere.
I’ll admit it’s a bit stressful for me at the moment moving house/parents trying to pay the bills/we just had to give away our cat
, hence why I feel the urge to exercise and why I’m going a bit back into ‘safety’ mode with food (at the moment pretty much all safe food except out with friends). So sorry if I’ve been triggering anyone lately with my obsession about whether Mum will let me go to the gym etc.!Out of interest what ever happened to some of the guys around here when I first joined-2 years ago now?! I saw Cloppy on another thread the other day, Briesandwich, Custard, Antiaris, Sentiment + co.? I wondered whether if they were still around, having an update from them might inspire some of those struggling-or maybe they've gone beyond the need for the safety net of an ED forum at all, in which case wishing them all the best
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by TotoMimo
The following post will not be a gentle nor a praising post, so be warned.
I am beginning to get incredibly frustrated here with posts attempting to offer advice and perspective. Several times now have I offered consolation and insight, some of my recovering peers too, like Riku's recent insights to the group. We have attempted to offer genuine insight and aid, yet mere hours later, the same question arises with our help ignored.
I'm not saying I don't enjoy attempting to help, but if one of the thread's posters has literally attempted to help you, a "Help Help Help" post an hour later disregarding said advice is silly and outright rude. If your goal is to get better, panicking and self-loathing helps a whole heap of nada!
Secondly, I hear a lot of talk about doctors, medication, titles and diagnoses/prognoses. I will let you all in to a very sad truth- nothing miraculously changes. "When I get a doctor, he'll stop the ED." "When I get the tablets, that'll stop my anguish/neuroses". Nope. I thought it would too, don't get me wrong; I too was naive in that belief.
The buck stops with YOU. Before anorexia nervosa had a name, you were"Starving yourself" or "self destructive", and to be honest both of those terms are more appropriate. By giving your disorder a name it's much easier to blame. You start making excuses for yourself like being utterly helpless, and it's"because I'm Anorexic". In the same breath, try saying "I am starving myself on purpose" instead of "anorexic." Use more literal terms. "Sugar terrifies me so I just don't eat anything". " I only eat 1000 calories a day disease". Can you see how the problem becomes less about a title, a name, and more about what you're doing to YOURSELF. YOU are doing it to YOU.
"I don't know what I can do!" - you do. You know fine well. But you WONT. A person afraid to go outside who has no solution really actually has a few VERY simple options, but won't take them. "I can't leave the house or else I'll be outside!" he cries. This is the same as an arbitrary fear of food; it is simply a normal element of life.
I'm taking this harsh stand because I almost killed myself- so, SO close- via anorexia, now a couple of years ago. Nowadays I discuss my stupid rules I had. "Days where I ate 1200 calories I "lost that day" and did 200 situps." Why? Er, who knows. Broken head? Of course!
Anorexia is just stupid, self-imposed, drawn -out suicide, people. Remember that.
I am beginning to get incredibly frustrated here with posts attempting to offer advice and perspective. Several times now have I offered consolation and insight, some of my recovering peers too, like Riku's recent insights to the group. We have attempted to offer genuine insight and aid, yet mere hours later, the same question arises with our help ignored.
I'm not saying I don't enjoy attempting to help, but if one of the thread's posters has literally attempted to help you, a "Help Help Help" post an hour later disregarding said advice is silly and outright rude. If your goal is to get better, panicking and self-loathing helps a whole heap of nada!
Secondly, I hear a lot of talk about doctors, medication, titles and diagnoses/prognoses. I will let you all in to a very sad truth- nothing miraculously changes. "When I get a doctor, he'll stop the ED." "When I get the tablets, that'll stop my anguish/neuroses". Nope. I thought it would too, don't get me wrong; I too was naive in that belief.
The buck stops with YOU. Before anorexia nervosa had a name, you were"Starving yourself" or "self destructive", and to be honest both of those terms are more appropriate. By giving your disorder a name it's much easier to blame. You start making excuses for yourself like being utterly helpless, and it's"because I'm Anorexic". In the same breath, try saying "I am starving myself on purpose" instead of "anorexic." Use more literal terms. "Sugar terrifies me so I just don't eat anything". " I only eat 1000 calories a day disease". Can you see how the problem becomes less about a title, a name, and more about what you're doing to YOURSELF. YOU are doing it to YOU.
"I don't know what I can do!" - you do. You know fine well. But you WONT. A person afraid to go outside who has no solution really actually has a few VERY simple options, but won't take them. "I can't leave the house or else I'll be outside!" he cries. This is the same as an arbitrary fear of food; it is simply a normal element of life.
I'm taking this harsh stand because I almost killed myself- so, SO close- via anorexia, now a couple of years ago. Nowadays I discuss my stupid rules I had. "Days where I ate 1200 calories I "lost that day" and did 200 situps." Why? Er, who knows. Broken head? Of course!
Anorexia is just stupid, self-imposed, drawn -out suicide, people. Remember that.
I feel that this was aimed at me.
Brilliant words, and all true, of course - we get nothing less from you! I do appreciate the advice you give, and I do my best to take it in - but I'm sure you know as well as anyone that change has to come from within, and, well... "Within" isn't the strongest place for me right now
I'm very stressed, and when that happens, the first thing it gets taken out on is my eating habits. Sorry
There was nothing malicious about my post, but I was deadly serious.
Riku is very accurate in that we are the perpetuators of our own illness. It's not like being physically unwell, where it's out of your control. It's actually the other end of the spectrum, you're SO in control that loosening up a little is seen as "failing", when in reality that's actually getting better. It's like a racecar driver on a track who starts to drive around the course the wrong way. He sees everyone flying past him super-fast and assumes they're all the ones going the wrong way. So when everyone starts telling you to turn around and drive the right way, you just drive faster and harder in defiance, and this ends up putting you and everyone around you at even greater danger. The longer and faster you drive against the current, the quicker and more inevitable your fiery demise will be.
Don't think I'm trying to be cruel, I'm trying to be REAL. You can all bury your head in the sand and say to yourself the things I'm telling you only apply to one classification of "ill". "Doesn't apply to me." Hah. Just keep kidding yourself! You know deep down in your heart you are the amongst the most ill of mind if you defy it this way.
Moreover, when your mental illness stops exhibiting itself externally (ie, you start to look less like a walking skeleton but still have terrible eating habits) you start to look for other ways to "be ill" to have an excuse for your actions. This is one of the most frustrating phases but you have to work through it. Otherwise you develop other disorders. You start to rely on being pitied to feel special, to be ill enough to garner attention, and that's achieved by either letting your head have daft, illogical rules and thoughts again so that you have anorexic tendencies again, or it goes down even darker, MORE dangerous compulsions (including manic depression and suicidal psychosis).
It's really, REALLY not worth it.
Riku is very accurate in that we are the perpetuators of our own illness. It's not like being physically unwell, where it's out of your control. It's actually the other end of the spectrum, you're SO in control that loosening up a little is seen as "failing", when in reality that's actually getting better. It's like a racecar driver on a track who starts to drive around the course the wrong way. He sees everyone flying past him super-fast and assumes they're all the ones going the wrong way. So when everyone starts telling you to turn around and drive the right way, you just drive faster and harder in defiance, and this ends up putting you and everyone around you at even greater danger. The longer and faster you drive against the current, the quicker and more inevitable your fiery demise will be.
Don't think I'm trying to be cruel, I'm trying to be REAL. You can all bury your head in the sand and say to yourself the things I'm telling you only apply to one classification of "ill". "Doesn't apply to me." Hah. Just keep kidding yourself! You know deep down in your heart you are the amongst the most ill of mind if you defy it this way.
Moreover, when your mental illness stops exhibiting itself externally (ie, you start to look less like a walking skeleton but still have terrible eating habits) you start to look for other ways to "be ill" to have an excuse for your actions. This is one of the most frustrating phases but you have to work through it. Otherwise you develop other disorders. You start to rely on being pitied to feel special, to be ill enough to garner attention, and that's achieved by either letting your head have daft, illogical rules and thoughts again so that you have anorexic tendencies again, or it goes down even darker, MORE dangerous compulsions (including manic depression and suicidal psychosis).
It's really, REALLY not worth it.
This won't be a very eloquent post so I apologise in advance 
Firstly, as a perpetual lurker may I just say how incredibly helpful I've found this thread, particularly a few members who have managed to articulate certain insights that I myself "knew" but could not recognise until they were spelled out (quite literally) here. Toto, Cinnie, Riku...you are all spectacular humans.
To the point, I have a question regarding recovery. I'll try not to waffle
I was at an excellent point of recovery for quite a while, then somehow it got too much (along with other comorbid disorders that I won't go into for fear of boring everyone), and I had a spell of relapse. To sum up, I drank A LOT and hardly ate for a period of around 5 months. Clearly this took a major toll, and the extreme exhaustion I felt as a result of this thankfully has set me back on the good path. However, although I have gained some weight my energy levels are still basically non-existent. It's a struggle to motivate myself to even shower some days, not for lack of wanting but simply because I'm too tired to move myself.
Essentially then, I'd like to know if anyone can provide their personal experiences as to how long into their recovery (or even just eating more) did they start to notice any change in their energy levels?
Thanks amazing peoples xx
Firstly, as a perpetual lurker may I just say how incredibly helpful I've found this thread, particularly a few members who have managed to articulate certain insights that I myself "knew" but could not recognise until they were spelled out (quite literally) here. Toto, Cinnie, Riku...you are all spectacular humans.
To the point, I have a question regarding recovery. I'll try not to waffle
I was at an excellent point of recovery for quite a while, then somehow it got too much (along with other comorbid disorders that I won't go into for fear of boring everyone), and I had a spell of relapse. To sum up, I drank A LOT and hardly ate for a period of around 5 months. Clearly this took a major toll, and the extreme exhaustion I felt as a result of this thankfully has set me back on the good path. However, although I have gained some weight my energy levels are still basically non-existent. It's a struggle to motivate myself to even shower some days, not for lack of wanting but simply because I'm too tired to move myself.
Essentially then, I'd like to know if anyone can provide their personal experiences as to how long into their recovery (or even just eating more) did they start to notice any change in their energy levels?
Thanks amazing peoples xx
Anon, thank you for your personal account. That's not waffling at all!
Personally I found it was difficult to quantify because "energy" was such an odd concept to me. I went through a phase of trying to booze my way through anorexia and depression, I tried spite-eating, which was just eating whatever I was told to despite my own hatred of it (if you've been admitted, you'll know this), and then, binge-eating. None of these yielded a real response other than weight yo-yo; but if you think about it, it makes sense that way. Why would your body react positively by being scammed, plotted against and thrown against a wall for a response?!
It wasn't until I accepted I was wrecking myself and that I would need to be normal for a while that I started to appreciate normailty for what it was. WOW. What bliss. You know something - the best thing I ever did was let someone else dictate my diet for me. It has to be someone you REALLY trust, but if you can, this is a HUGE boon to you.
You let a "normal" person dictate a "normal" life. Sounds simple, because it is. Initially I let mum do it for me. Make my dinners for me again as if I was a child. But then again, an ED turns you back into some fussy little brat kid in many ways, so it's appropriate. It's why I view ED sufferers as "adult children" because that's all they'll ever be.
With the control out of your hands, you begin to accept you can't go, "Oh, potatoes. One. Two. No, ONE potato. One. Oh, I could cut the potato in half. Half a potato. That means I could weigh the potato. Oh, then I could cut the potato into small cubes and...." and it begins again. With someone else telling you, "Whoa, man, what's the deal? THIS is your dinner, EAT IT" - you slowly accept that things are not always within your ninja-like grasp.
Eventually, after accepting the meals and judgement of a friend for a long time, I started to get a night's sleep. I started loving the feeling of my pillow again. I started filling out my trousers. I started to get sexual feelings again. I started to have dreams. These are all things you have no idea how much you missed until they properly return. When you body is starved for so long, if you merely eat to "maintenance", you're not really healing. That's like saying "There are one hundred cells and in the past, you'd feed twenty cells, so eighty died every day. Now you're eating for one hundred cells, so the dead cells are forever dead." You need to accept that energy is necessary to rebuild your ravaged, rotten body. And it is just that - rotten. The tissues have rotted away to nothing so you could be slighter. Nothing glamorous about that. Same deal as having beasties eating away the tissues in your body. People don't look at you and think, "wow, they're slim!"- they think, "Oh, that poor person, what tragedy befell them?!"
And imagine you're on the lookout for a partner. Not many potential partners look for "Physical and mental tragedy" on the top of their lists - and if they do, they're likely to be sufferers themselves.
So long story short - energy levels only returned to me after about 20 months of recovery, and I am now almost BMI 22. That's a long, LONG time. The longer you've starved, the longer it'll take to be a full human again.
Personally I found it was difficult to quantify because "energy" was such an odd concept to me. I went through a phase of trying to booze my way through anorexia and depression, I tried spite-eating, which was just eating whatever I was told to despite my own hatred of it (if you've been admitted, you'll know this), and then, binge-eating. None of these yielded a real response other than weight yo-yo; but if you think about it, it makes sense that way. Why would your body react positively by being scammed, plotted against and thrown against a wall for a response?!
It wasn't until I accepted I was wrecking myself and that I would need to be normal for a while that I started to appreciate normailty for what it was. WOW. What bliss. You know something - the best thing I ever did was let someone else dictate my diet for me. It has to be someone you REALLY trust, but if you can, this is a HUGE boon to you.
You let a "normal" person dictate a "normal" life. Sounds simple, because it is. Initially I let mum do it for me. Make my dinners for me again as if I was a child. But then again, an ED turns you back into some fussy little brat kid in many ways, so it's appropriate. It's why I view ED sufferers as "adult children" because that's all they'll ever be.
With the control out of your hands, you begin to accept you can't go, "Oh, potatoes. One. Two. No, ONE potato. One. Oh, I could cut the potato in half. Half a potato. That means I could weigh the potato. Oh, then I could cut the potato into small cubes and...." and it begins again. With someone else telling you, "Whoa, man, what's the deal? THIS is your dinner, EAT IT" - you slowly accept that things are not always within your ninja-like grasp.
Eventually, after accepting the meals and judgement of a friend for a long time, I started to get a night's sleep. I started loving the feeling of my pillow again. I started filling out my trousers. I started to get sexual feelings again. I started to have dreams. These are all things you have no idea how much you missed until they properly return. When you body is starved for so long, if you merely eat to "maintenance", you're not really healing. That's like saying "There are one hundred cells and in the past, you'd feed twenty cells, so eighty died every day. Now you're eating for one hundred cells, so the dead cells are forever dead." You need to accept that energy is necessary to rebuild your ravaged, rotten body. And it is just that - rotten. The tissues have rotted away to nothing so you could be slighter. Nothing glamorous about that. Same deal as having beasties eating away the tissues in your body. People don't look at you and think, "wow, they're slim!"- they think, "Oh, that poor person, what tragedy befell them?!"
And imagine you're on the lookout for a partner. Not many potential partners look for "Physical and mental tragedy" on the top of their lists - and if they do, they're likely to be sufferers themselves.
So long story short - energy levels only returned to me after about 20 months of recovery, and I am now almost BMI 22. That's a long, LONG time. The longer you've starved, the longer it'll take to be a full human again.
Just a question but one I'm often curious about: what came first, the disordered eating which lead to/strengthened an unbalanced mentality, or a deeply unbalanced mentality which partly manifested as the disordered eating?
For me I feel it's the latter, and I'm not sure how to approach it.
For me I feel it's the latter, and I'm not sure how to approach it.
Original post by rubixcyoob
Just a question but one I'm often curious about: what came first, the disordered eating which lead to/strengthened an unbalanced mentality, or a deeply unbalanced mentality which partly manifested as the disordered eating?
For me I feel it's the latter, and I'm not sure how to approach it.
For me I feel it's the latter, and I'm not sure how to approach it.
Rubix, I am replying to you directly because of all the posters, your particular circumstances hit home with me the most.
Through adverse conditions, you learn to accept a lot of things, don't you? You rattle off a bunch of stuff to your friends that they simply do not understand. Well, maybe yes, and maybe no.
I'm referring to my particular childhood. It was a happy one, but one of absolute restriction. Mum and Dad married at 17, had a kid shortly after, and had no money, and I grew up eating tinned beans and corned beef, spam and mash. A happy childhood, but innately, I had the view I would someday "save" them from a life of poverty. Suddenly I became a class pet, an academic, revered, and my parents started referring to me as the "genius that would buy them a retirement mansion". That started my inherent devotion to perfection and excellence.
It was never about eating for me. It was only about the metaphorical "mansion"; helping my family get to the best place they could possibly get. When I reached a point where that vision was blurred, I started telling myself I could achieve perfection in other ways. Hone my being. Focus. I started being super-fastidious with eating and exercising, and became a machine. Like I said, there is a strong six months of my life I cannot remember. That is my darkest of days, when I devoted every waking day to situps, eating only the cleanest of clean food, and running. When my body started to die, I stopped the running. I broke an ankle, and still exercised. It was "necessary". When I reached the point where my mum visited and started crying as I answered the door, unable to walk, I was slapped in the face.
What had I become? I forgot all the reasons why I wanted to better myself. How could this stupid, brittle robot skeleton EVER hope to repay the happiness and kindess of a family who gave everything to ensure I would succeed?
You know why it hurts so much Rubix? Because you lose sight of the thing you were fighting for. You suddenly become obsessed with doing things to fill the void that make no sense.
You have a family, sweetheart. You have a child who is looking to you for enlightenment. A man who has his own errors, but loves you regardless. It's an ongoing war, a battle, to assert your own worth. Imagine a soldier in the Somme battling for his family's glory, but refusing a ration because it might harm his figure or make him feel weak in some way, that he's relying on some external force to help him. Well, we all fight our own wars, and if we snub the things that heal us, we're only snubbing our goals. It's like saying "no thanks, I know this year the 100 metre sprint will be on hot coals, but I refuse your insulated running shoes. Today, I run barefoot, to get some attention!" - you might get attention at that instance in time, but you'll be forgotten forevermore. Accept the things your body needs, and you might be exceptional. Exceptional as a parent, as a partner...
As a person.
im very curious here. i was thinking about this last night, and became even more confused.
my doctor said the other day that she reckons im becoming bulimic, or following that pattern because of my binging.
HOWEVER
i dont purge or anything after, i eat and thats it...
but after looking online bulimia is more about the purging or something afterwards, where as binge eating isnt. so why did my dr say about the bulimia, even after she asked about purging and i told her i dont do anything like that...
my doctor said the other day that she reckons im becoming bulimic, or following that pattern because of my binging.
HOWEVER
i dont purge or anything after, i eat and thats it...
but after looking online bulimia is more about the purging or something afterwards, where as binge eating isnt. so why did my dr say about the bulimia, even after she asked about purging and i told her i dont do anything like that...
Original post by PonchoKid
im very curious here. i was thinking about this last night, and became even more confused.
my doctor said the other day that she reckons im becoming bulimic, or following that pattern because of my binging.
HOWEVER
i dont purge or anything after, i eat and thats it...
but after looking online bulimia is more about the purging or something afterwards, where as binge eating isnt. so why did my dr say about the bulimia, even after she asked about purging and i told her i dont do anything like that...
my doctor said the other day that she reckons im becoming bulimic, or following that pattern because of my binging.
HOWEVER
i dont purge or anything after, i eat and thats it...
but after looking online bulimia is more about the purging or something afterwards, where as binge eating isnt. so why did my dr say about the bulimia, even after she asked about purging and i told her i dont do anything like that...
Ah, not to trivialise it but the answer there is a really simple one. The differentiating factor between Anorexia and Bulimia is that Anorexia is the act of avoiding food as the definitive factor; Bulimia is using food as a "tool". So if you "use" food to make you feel better in any way, it's bulimia. If you "avoid" food overtly, that is anorexia.
Original post by TotoMimo
Ah, not to trivialise it but the answer there is a really simple one. The differentiating factor between Anorexia and Bulimia is that Anorexia is the act of avoiding food as the definitive factor; Bulimia is using food as a "tool". So if you "use" food to make you feel better in any way, it's bulimia. If you "avoid" food overtly, that is anorexia.
but why bulimia, why not BED am i missing something?
not that i like either "labels" but im getting confused, and my dr didnt really know what she was talking about either i dont think, as i wasnt there specifically for that, it was more of a catch up with her about mental health related stuff...
Original post by TotoMimo
Rubix, I am replying to you directly because of all the posters, your particular circumstances hit home with me the most.
Through adverse conditions, you learn to accept a lot of things, don't you? You rattle off a bunch of stuff to your friends that they simply do not understand. Well, maybe yes, and maybe no.
I'm referring to my particular childhood. It was a happy one, but one of absolute restriction. Mum and Dad married at 17, had a kid shortly after, and had no money, and I grew up eating tinned beans and corned beef, spam and mash. A happy childhood, but innately, I had the view I would someday "save" them from a life of poverty. Suddenly I became a class pet, an academic, revered, and my parents started referring to me as the "genius that would buy them a retirement mansion". That started my inherent devotion to perfection and excellence.
It was never about eating for me. It was only about the metaphorical "mansion"; helping my family get to the best place they could possibly get. When I reached a point where that vision was blurred, I started telling myself I could achieve perfection in other ways. Hone my being. Focus. I started being super-fastidious with eating and exercising, and became a machine. Like I said, there is a strong six months of my life I cannot remember. That is my darkest of days, when I devoted every waking day to situps, eating only the cleanest of clean food, and running. When my body started to die, I stopped the running. I broke an ankle, and still exercised. It was "necessary". When I reached the point where my mum visited and started crying as I answered the door, unable to walk, I was slapped in the face.
What had I become? I forgot all the reasons why I wanted to better myself. How could this stupid, brittle robot skeleton EVER hope to repay the happiness and kindess of a family who gave everything to ensure I would succeed?
You know why it hurts so much Rubix? Because you lose sight of the thing you were fighting for. You suddenly become obsessed with doing things to fill the void that make no sense.
You have a family, sweetheart. You have a child who is looking to you for enlightenment. A man who has his own errors, but loves you regardless. It's an ongoing war, a battle, to assert your own worth. Imagine a soldier in the Somme battling for his family's glory, but refusing a ration because it might harm his figure or make him feel weak in some way, that he's relying on some external force to help him. Well, we all fight our own wars, and if we snub the things that heal us, we're only snubbing our goals. It's like saying "no thanks, I know this year the 100 metre sprint will be on hot coals, but I refuse your insulated running shoes. Today, I run barefoot, to get some attention!" - you might get attention at that instance in time, but you'll be forgotten forevermore. Accept the things your body needs, and you might be exceptional. Exceptional as a parent, as a partner...
As a person.
Through adverse conditions, you learn to accept a lot of things, don't you? You rattle off a bunch of stuff to your friends that they simply do not understand. Well, maybe yes, and maybe no.
I'm referring to my particular childhood. It was a happy one, but one of absolute restriction. Mum and Dad married at 17, had a kid shortly after, and had no money, and I grew up eating tinned beans and corned beef, spam and mash. A happy childhood, but innately, I had the view I would someday "save" them from a life of poverty. Suddenly I became a class pet, an academic, revered, and my parents started referring to me as the "genius that would buy them a retirement mansion". That started my inherent devotion to perfection and excellence.
It was never about eating for me. It was only about the metaphorical "mansion"; helping my family get to the best place they could possibly get. When I reached a point where that vision was blurred, I started telling myself I could achieve perfection in other ways. Hone my being. Focus. I started being super-fastidious with eating and exercising, and became a machine. Like I said, there is a strong six months of my life I cannot remember. That is my darkest of days, when I devoted every waking day to situps, eating only the cleanest of clean food, and running. When my body started to die, I stopped the running. I broke an ankle, and still exercised. It was "necessary". When I reached the point where my mum visited and started crying as I answered the door, unable to walk, I was slapped in the face.
What had I become? I forgot all the reasons why I wanted to better myself. How could this stupid, brittle robot skeleton EVER hope to repay the happiness and kindess of a family who gave everything to ensure I would succeed?
You know why it hurts so much Rubix? Because you lose sight of the thing you were fighting for. You suddenly become obsessed with doing things to fill the void that make no sense.
You have a family, sweetheart. You have a child who is looking to you for enlightenment. A man who has his own errors, but loves you regardless. It's an ongoing war, a battle, to assert your own worth. Imagine a soldier in the Somme battling for his family's glory, but refusing a ration because it might harm his figure or make him feel weak in some way, that he's relying on some external force to help him. Well, we all fight our own wars, and if we snub the things that heal us, we're only snubbing our goals. It's like saying "no thanks, I know this year the 100 metre sprint will be on hot coals, but I refuse your insulated running shoes. Today, I run barefoot, to get some attention!" - you might get attention at that instance in time, but you'll be forgotten forevermore. Accept the things your body needs, and you might be exceptional. Exceptional as a parent, as a partner...
As a person.
You are so right. Throughout my life there are so many things I try and become perfect at: I need to be the perfect mother; the perfect student; the perfect girlfriend etc. And if one silly thing messes that up slightly (giving my son into trouble, not achieving the best possible grade etc) then I try to simultaneously not onluy punish myself, but fall back on something I can constantly try to perfect and become the best at.
I also don't seek help from people, or want help from people, because I'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. By saying that I mean, if I tell someone I'll, ultimately have to talk and try and explain things, relive things I don't want to; if I don't talk, I'll ruin myself.
However, along with the perfection complex I always have the feeling of failure, never being good enough, never being 'right/correct/what's needed' etc. I constantly doubt myself, doubt my strength, my beliefs, my everything. In doubting myself it places hurdles for the perfection to overcome. It also means that no matter what I achieve, it's never good enough. For example, 3 months after my 20th birthday I graduated one month before my son's third birthday with a 2:2 law llb. That's not something a lot of people can say they'd manage, but to me "it's still not a first". In turn the kow feelings push me to the ed tenancies more because I'm "good" at them, at losing weight, exercise and 'healthy' eating.
These feelings are constantly overshadow by a constant feeling like something is empty, pointless - a void on my very being somewhere. However, every so often it's interjected with brief feelings of being 'great' achieving perfection, being the 'perfect' x, y and z which makes me elated ... ecstatic. Although, as quickly as this feeling comes, it's gone, and all the whole I've never really left square one.
Then there's the social awkwardness, anxiety etc which doesn't help.
My ed was 'created' at my way of trying to control things, but like everything else in my life it too became a feature of my perfection/never good enough cycle, a prominent feature and the most abused one .... but a result of my mentality all the same.
I know that the ed tenancies will always be there .... until I can get everything else under control, I just don't know where to start, and as you said, I'd rather try and do it alone to prove a point and be 'the best' before asking.
It's a vicious circle.
Oh edit: I just realised this connection, when the ed tenancies rise from the 'never good enough' side I tend to binge and then work back to restriction - bad and failing, to getting better. When it's purely because I'm striving for perfection, it's restriction. There's no set pattern, but this tends to be the trend more often than not.
Weird the things you notice when you're alone and thinking.
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(edited 10 years ago)
Once again, I state, there is no "real" tag for a mental eating disorder because the disease isn't a disease, it's a wrong way of thinking.
Basically if the way your thought process is harming you is an aversion to food and nourishment (ie, you WANT to neglect your body) - it's anorexic. If you feel you want to bend food and energy to your own will - then it's bulimic. It's as simple as that. But if you fixate on a label and DISLIKE the label you're given, take a little look at it. Why do you want that label... or ANOTHER label - at all?! Why do you want to be CALLED something? Really?!
Think about it hard. Why do you defy or covet a label or reason?
Basically if the way your thought process is harming you is an aversion to food and nourishment (ie, you WANT to neglect your body) - it's anorexic. If you feel you want to bend food and energy to your own will - then it's bulimic. It's as simple as that. But if you fixate on a label and DISLIKE the label you're given, take a little look at it. Why do you want that label... or ANOTHER label - at all?! Why do you want to be CALLED something? Really?!
Think about it hard. Why do you defy or covet a label or reason?
Oh, and thank you Tommy
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Posted from TSR Mobile
Spoiler
Not the best day
Spoiler
Original post by Riku
Not the best day
Spoiler
I totally get how you feel. I've just got my first job and I get sworn at by both passengers and supervisors. Obviously, I must be stupid because I'm new to the job. It's the only explanation, never mind that the system we've been trained on doesn't allow us all the functions of the old system. They also treat me badly because I go to university and I'm only just turning 20. I know they're talking behind my back -- the majority of them are Italian and don't realise that I can actually understand it when they b*tch about me!
The thing you need to do is rise above it and prove them wrong. Acknowledge that yes, they are being two-faced, but do the job to the best of your abilities and kill them with kindness. They won't know what to do. If I let all the s*it at work get to me, I would've quit within the first week. People are always going to be cruel to you throughout every aspect of life and it's up to you to tell yourself that they're wrong. I know it's difficult to be positive about yourself given what you've been going through but you need to. You can't afford to take negativity from colleagues and yourself. x
Original post by Riku
Not the best day
Spoiler
It seems to me that perhaps you ARE overtrying. There's a very strong notion that "The most revered person is the one that doesn't realise it" - if you clamour for positive reactions, you will never receive them.
It's the same in all social scenarios. If you're with a girl you like, you don't do something and then ask her to fill out a questionnaire on how much she enjoyed doing that thing, just for a sense of achievement or positive direction. The silence is inherently positive, not awkward. Do a nice thing for a girl, and she remains silent and smiles, and that is RESOUNDINGLY positive feedback. You needn't follow it up with, "so HOW much did you enjoy it, 1/10?"
You are still gauging your worth by how others see and feel around you. You're placing far too much worth on being outwardly excellent to impress people when by doing this, you probably will never achieve this level of impression.
"Only a coward will ever be called a hero, and only a hero can ever become a coward."
If you keep proving yourself and showing yourself to being this pedestal-bound "ideal guy" who attracts attention and reverence, you can only ever be disappointed when it doesn't happen. If you remain the lad who gets on with it, doesn't place too much worth on the trivial matters and does a good job, you will likely end up being the most highly praised of all. The saying "Only a coward will ever be called a hero, and only a hero can ever become a coward" is a strong phrase in this context because the man who bellows how powerful, smart and brave he is has nowhere to go with his words. Even if he acts accordingly, people would've expected it. He talked a big game and walked a big game. It was expected and as such, hardly even impressive. The "coward" in the saying doesn't need to be "cowardly" in a traditional sense, but that person that meekly says nothing at all, but acts beyond his silent state - THAT draws attention in a positive way.
I'm not slating you because you are clearly totally bound by this self-worth credo dictating you to eat healthy, work out, prove yourself, be the best, show off, look for praise in every avenue - that's the nature of your disorder. I'm just saying you will receive more positive praise by dialling that down quite significantly.
X
