You're not going to get unfit. Listen to me - I have
never been to a gym, I never do any organised exercise, I walk to college each day and that is it. And I am neither fat, nor hideously unfit. You are
OK. Sorry about the sleep thing, but I feel for you
Maybe you could try taking some time off or try being stricter on how long and when you allow yourself online? But only if you think it genuinely could help, if it would end up causing you more stress and worry then obviously don't do it.
In what way are you running away from how you feel? You are on here telling us, right?
I know that I should be content with just walking, but it really feels like I need the ability to get a good workout for the feel-good factor (not to mention the sleep). It's alright when I'm doing brisk, power-walking style for a few miles but don't really get the same effect going to uni (possibly these bags weighing me down whch can't really be helped). Apart from that I've obviously got an unhealthy and self-destructive relationship with food which is probably causing my weight to yo-yo and is definitely making me overpanic (yesterday I drank too much wine at my aunt's, had loads of spaghetti with some Parmesan and then this big rich chocolate mousse which I'd normally never do but it was just ahhh so good-then couldn't get to sleep until 4 because I started having chest pains and thinking I'd die of hgh blood pressure/stroke/heart attack etc.)
But all this worry and fear's making me lose enjoyment in uni and get irritable and depressed. I 'm definitely retreating onto this laptop or the computer sometimes to hide from my pain so that's got to be sorted. I've been getting suicidal thoughts again all morning and it's took loads of mates dropping in a message on my Facebook to snap me out of it.
Tbh I'm not entirely sure I want to live sometimes, I definitely don't want to live with this fear and anger anymore, but nor do I want to hurt those I love when they're doing so much for me and I know if I've got out before, there's a way out of this mess again to a better life. Thanks