Social phobia/anxiety + funeral
My boyfriend's uncle passed away recently. The funeral is on Friday. My boyfriend's family expects me to go with him to support him, and I do want to be there for him, but I really dread the thought of going.
I have social phobia and anxiety disorder. My boyfriend's uncle was a very popular person, so it will be packed. And a lot of the people coming will be people I don't know.
I know that this is not about me. That's what I keep telling myself. I can't help how I feel, though, and worst of all, I worry that if I get an anxiety attack, it's only going to make things more unpleasant for my boyfriend, because he'll be concerned about me as well as dealing with everything else.
I just wish there wasn't so much pressure to go. Not that his family is pressuring me, but as said, it's expected and it's generally seen as right and proper to attend. I'd much prefer to be there for everyone before and afterwards. To support them, cook food, make sure everyone is looked after, etc. My boyfriend and I live together, so this last week and a half I've tried to make life as easy for him as possible under the circumstances. That's the kind of support I am comfortable with. But not attending the funeral may be seen as really disrespectful...
Does anyone have any advice?
I have social phobia and anxiety disorder. My boyfriend's uncle was a very popular person, so it will be packed. And a lot of the people coming will be people I don't know.
I know that this is not about me. That's what I keep telling myself. I can't help how I feel, though, and worst of all, I worry that if I get an anxiety attack, it's only going to make things more unpleasant for my boyfriend, because he'll be concerned about me as well as dealing with everything else.
I just wish there wasn't so much pressure to go. Not that his family is pressuring me, but as said, it's expected and it's generally seen as right and proper to attend. I'd much prefer to be there for everyone before and afterwards. To support them, cook food, make sure everyone is looked after, etc. My boyfriend and I live together, so this last week and a half I've tried to make life as easy for him as possible under the circumstances. That's the kind of support I am comfortable with. But not attending the funeral may be seen as really disrespectful...
Does anyone have any advice?
I would go ahead and tell him about your concern. Don't be tempted to lie your way around it!
I'm sure he'll understand, explain to him that it's likely to set off your anxiety. If there's one thing he won't want, it's to interrupt proceedings because you need help dealing with an anxiety attack, so don't worry too much!
If he knows about how you feel and still insists you go...
I'm sure he'll understand, explain to him that it's likely to set off your anxiety. If there's one thing he won't want, it's to interrupt proceedings because you need help dealing with an anxiety attack, so don't worry too much!
If he knows about how you feel and still insists you go...
Original post by _Dandroid
I would go ahead and tell him about your concern. Don't be tempted to lie your way around it!
I'm sure he'll understand, explain to him that it's likely to set off your anxiety. If there's one thing he won't want, it's to interrupt proceedings because you need help dealing with an anxiety attack, so don't worry too much!
If he knows about how you feel and still insists you go...
I'm sure he'll understand, explain to him that it's likely to set off your anxiety. If there's one thing he won't want, it's to interrupt proceedings because you need help dealing with an anxiety attack, so don't worry too much!
If he knows about how you feel and still insists you go...
Thank you. Yes, I have just done that. And he's really understanding and sweet about it, thankfully. Like he said, it's the first time either of us has had to deal with this sort of thing. Neither of us have lost someone we were very close to before, and neither of us have had to support someone through it, either. He thinks I have done a great job supporting him, which is a relief, especially as I haven't got a clue what I am doing
.Still worry about his family, though. What if they think I am a bad girlfriend, if I don't go? What if they feel I am disrespectful?
And part of me does feel awful, because what if I don't go and my boyfriend needs me? I feel so bad having these mental health problems. I'm getting help for them, but if I didn't have them, I could offer better support during times like these...
Edit - I'm out of reps for the moment, but your advice really helped, so I owe you one.
I know how you feel. Literally, I have social anxiety aswell.
And the way I've coped with social situations with my boyfriends family, is just by going to them anyway...
I tend to be just quiet and keep myself to my self rather than conversing (which is something i do anyway because i don't speak to anyone mostly because i dont know how to-my brain freezes up)
But I've been on many social occasions with my boyfriends family and the more i did it, the easier it got.
My own boyfriends uncle died many years ago and when we started being together i was invited along to a meal to celebrate his uncles birthday. It was in a public environment in a tight space with lots of people (it was only the mum and dad of his uncle and my boyfriends own mum and dad with his two brothers) and other strangers doing their own stuff. But it was still enough to make me terrified x.x but I sucked it up and basically just tried to ignore everything, I also just stayed close to my boyfriend as hes like my safety barrier..
If this helps, think of it this way "I won't let my social anxiety run my life, my boyfriend needs me and so I'll be there for him regardless of my issues. This funeral isn't about me, it's about a grieving family and the deceased"
Just keep repeating that? I'm going to the drs myself in a few week for help so.. x-x
And the way I've coped with social situations with my boyfriends family, is just by going to them anyway...
I tend to be just quiet and keep myself to my self rather than conversing (which is something i do anyway because i don't speak to anyone mostly because i dont know how to-my brain freezes up)
But I've been on many social occasions with my boyfriends family and the more i did it, the easier it got.
My own boyfriends uncle died many years ago and when we started being together i was invited along to a meal to celebrate his uncles birthday. It was in a public environment in a tight space with lots of people (it was only the mum and dad of his uncle and my boyfriends own mum and dad with his two brothers) and other strangers doing their own stuff. But it was still enough to make me terrified x.x but I sucked it up and basically just tried to ignore everything, I also just stayed close to my boyfriend as hes like my safety barrier..
If this helps, think of it this way "I won't let my social anxiety run my life, my boyfriend needs me and so I'll be there for him regardless of my issues. This funeral isn't about me, it's about a grieving family and the deceased"
Just keep repeating that? I'm going to the drs myself in a few week for help so.. x-x
Original post by Kittiara
Thank you. Yes, I have just done that. And he's really understanding and sweet about it, thankfully. Like he said, it's the first time either of us has had to deal with this sort of thing. Neither of us have lost someone we were very close to before, and neither of us have had to support someone through it, either. He thinks I have done a great job supporting him, which is a relief, especially as I haven't got a clue what I am doing .
Still worry about his family, though. What if they think I am a bad girlfriend, if I don't go? What if they feel I am disrespectful?
And part of me does feel awful, because what if I don't go and my boyfriend needs me? I feel so bad having these mental health problems. I'm getting help for them, but if I didn't have them, I could offer better support during times like these...
.Still worry about his family, though. What if they think I am a bad girlfriend, if I don't go? What if they feel I am disrespectful?
And part of me does feel awful, because what if I don't go and my boyfriend needs me? I feel so bad having these mental health problems. I'm getting help for them, but if I didn't have them, I could offer better support during times like these...
It's great that he was so understanding!
I think you're overthinking things about what people will think. If they do ask, I'm sure your boyfriend will let them know you have anxiety issues. It's a very common thing, even if sometimes it makes you feel a bit isolated.
With regards to worrying about your boyfriend, make it very clear that you're down the phone if he needs you at any point, even if you can't be there in person. Like I said, Anxiety issues are common. Don't feel like you're letting people down because of them. That kind of thinking only makes the problem worse and it ends up being a vicious cycle. All you need to do is reassure people that you'll do what you can. Explain exactly what you're thinking, why you worry, what kind of things are likely to trigger it. Being open and honest about it is one of the best ways of dealing with it, and it makes things so much easier later on. Anxiety attacks hold people back from major social situations, but they'll know you'll be there for them individually if and when they need.
Don't panic, I genuinely think you're over-thinking things!
Original post by _Dandroid
It's great that he was so understanding!
I think you're overthinking things about what people will think. If they do ask, I'm sure your boyfriend will let them know you have anxiety issues. It's a very common thing, even if sometimes it makes you feel a bit isolated.
With regards to worrying about your boyfriend, make it very clear that you're down the phone if he needs you at any point, even if you can't be there in person. Like I said, Anxiety issues are common. Don't feel like you're letting people down because of them. That kind of thinking only makes the problem worse and it ends up being a vicious cycle. All you need to do is reassure people that you'll do what you can. Explain exactly what you're thinking, why you worry, what kind of things are likely to trigger it. Being open and honest about it is one of the best ways of dealing with it, and it makes things so much easier later on. Anxiety attacks hold people back from major social situations, but they'll know you'll be there for them individually if and when they need.
Don't panic, I genuinely think you're over-thinking things!
I think you're overthinking things about what people will think. If they do ask, I'm sure your boyfriend will let them know you have anxiety issues. It's a very common thing, even if sometimes it makes you feel a bit isolated.
With regards to worrying about your boyfriend, make it very clear that you're down the phone if he needs you at any point, even if you can't be there in person. Like I said, Anxiety issues are common. Don't feel like you're letting people down because of them. That kind of thinking only makes the problem worse and it ends up being a vicious cycle. All you need to do is reassure people that you'll do what you can. Explain exactly what you're thinking, why you worry, what kind of things are likely to trigger it. Being open and honest about it is one of the best ways of dealing with it, and it makes things so much easier later on. Anxiety attacks hold people back from major social situations, but they'll know you'll be there for them individually if and when they need.
Don't panic, I genuinely think you're over-thinking things!
You tend to over think things when you have social anxiety... o-o
Original post by Shazzarr
You tend to over think things when you have social anxiety... o-o
I know, several of my friends have General Anxiety Disorder. Sometimes reassurance helps.
I know the feel. When you feel really anxious about going somewhere because you shut don't want to deal with the people but you get hassle from others because they don't understand. Right now because of a combination of getting fat and a disastrous attempt to cheapen out my carefully crafted wardrobe has completely collapsed. All I have to wear outside literally is a sportsworld tracksuit. Because of this my confidence in going outside has plummeted but people keep trying to get me to go places with them and won't understand that I'm just plain not feeling confident about going outside without a good set of clothes. I go outside, I start getting paranoid that people are looking at me, and look at them which causes them to actually look at me, I start to sweat which makes me feel even more uncomfortable leading to even more sweating, it's all one big vicious cycle. Up until the weather got hot I was fine hiding out in a big black wool coat outside but now I can't even do that. I honestly don't know how people can just throw on clothes and go outside. Unless I'm in a minimum nicely ironed shirt and chinos I get so anxious.
Sorry for the (very) late response. Hope you understand. I am really grateful for the wonderful advice, and for the understanding .
I was, indeed, over thinking things. There were some other people who couldn't make it, either, for different reasons, and there was no negative judgment.
I asked my boyfriend how I could best help and he asked me to do the shopping, and make everything as pleasant as possible under the circumstances for people who'd stop by. He couldn't deal with all that and, as he'd have other support at the funeral anyway, he needed someone to take care of the regular day-to-day stuff.
He may have partly said that because he didn't want me to feel bad, but it did work out in the end, because it gave him space and made me realise I could help, just in ways different from the traditional ones.
Shazzarr - I hope your appointment went well! I have an assessment next week. Scary, but I know I need more help.
_Dandroid - You are excellent at giving advice. Thank you!
.I was, indeed, over thinking things. There were some other people who couldn't make it, either, for different reasons, and there was no negative judgment.
I asked my boyfriend how I could best help and he asked me to do the shopping, and make everything as pleasant as possible under the circumstances for people who'd stop by. He couldn't deal with all that and, as he'd have other support at the funeral anyway, he needed someone to take care of the regular day-to-day stuff.
He may have partly said that because he didn't want me to feel bad, but it did work out in the end, because it gave him space and made me realise I could help, just in ways different from the traditional ones.
Shazzarr - I hope your appointment went well! I have an assessment next week. Scary, but I know I need more help.
_Dandroid - You are excellent at giving advice. Thank you!
In times of grief with a loved one we are almost inadvertently forced to resurrect (pardon usage) the parts of ourselves that are foreign and far removed from our natural repertoire. It worries the mind of whether we can handle it or are doing it right, it troubles the heart when we forfeit what can actually be done or should do. So with a take from my present situation, you do what may seem impossible to provide comfort to those who are also figuring it out as they go and give them support that they have strength to carry through and forward with their decisions. It would be what you would hope for if the situations were flipped. Yes there are people(family) and anxieties but truthfully no one ever has it completely figured out. And you just might be the difference in soothing anothers troubles by delaying your own.
