Year 12s: what will be the first way you research your future options? >>

Important: English poem

I have to write a war poem and I would like to recieve a high level 7 or an 8 (in year 9) because these go towards gcse options etc... Could you grade this and show me how to get into L8.

Thy soul perished before one's eyes,
By iron weapons with poisonous aims,
Thou had a part of thy shattered,
Like glass responding to her cries,
She,my mother, waiting on edge,
Waiting for the knock on the door,
Knock. Knock.

Up here her face is ambiguous,
Like the puzzle with missing knowledge,
After her face, she drops, helplessly,
He eyes recognise the meaning then shut,
She held the words close to her heart,
Contemplated her son's rest,
And prayed. Prayed.

SHe hoped the words were from a false tounge,
And her untolerable nightmares ceased,
Instead she were shaken by reality,
Frozen, stricken, tears ran down her face,
Her hopes drowned by paraphrasing the (jingoistic - dont know whether to use it) message,
By those abhorrent, ignorant creatures,
WHich slaughtered. Slaughtered.

Incurable damage on innocent lives pass on,
Our rest, their heartache, our peace, their nightmare.

Thanks again.

Reply 1

Gibus_pyro

Why have you used thou/thy?

Reply 2

GeogBerry

Original post by Gibus_pyro

Why have you used thou/thy?

I think it sounds better with thy/ thou tbf.

edit: actually sounds a bit forced in the third line

Not really feeling the one word sentences though, don't think they should be the same word as the word before. Because it's only year 9 though, you'll probably get a better mark as it shows you can use different devices

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 3

**kelly**

try using some rhyme and rhythm itll bump up your marks if its catchy but its good otherwise

Reply 4

Tortious

You've got some interesting ideas, but I think you could improve it by having the structure in place before you start writing. For instance, in the first stanza, "eyes" (line 1) rhymes with the word on line 4, but this isn't carried through elsewhere.

You might find it helpful to look at some existing war poetry before you start. Wilfred Owen's "Anthem for Doomed Youth" sounds similar to what you're going for - both thematically and in terms of structure. Here:

Anthem for Doomed Youth

This site gives you a brief analysis of the poem, which might be useful when choosing the words you'll use to craft your own.

Hope this helps. :smile:

Reply 5

Eliza520

I have writtn a neww one with similar concepts, could you level it

As I arose from the mountains,
The earth began to tremor
Intoxicated smoke drowned the air
Whilst towns ceased their rhema,

Bullets with poisonous aims fired,
While mother's anguished hearts pound,
Echoes of gunfire provoked,
And overtook every other sound,

My deepest thoughts flew from my mind,
On a battlefield they landed,
Amongst cattle being slaughtered,
As well as being branded,

What were they fighting for?
Cultures absent from oppression,
Yet now blood sheds on these mountains,
Until tyrannical actions face suppression,

An ominous darkness befell,
The war's destiny becomes colder,
Today, day three hundred and seventy three,
Of a war just getting older.

Reply 6

Gibus_pyro

I like this one better. Remember not to feel trapped by your own rhyme scheme, i think in a poem like this rhythm is more important than rhyme. Also, im not sure who the narrator is. Is it God? (arising from the mountains). If it is then i wouldnt use first person. I would use the third person to describe how someone else (god would be interesting) sees/feels about the war in a similar way to sOme of the 'crow' poems by hughes. Just a thought. But for year 9 work, its already very good.

Reply 7

Eliza520

Or is this poem worth a higher level

From the dust of the embers, like a phoenix he rose
Fresh from the fires, for a moment he froze
To see the death, and destruction around
To see his men, lay strewn on the ground

The devil, he rode on the battlefield tonight
Condemning them to their doom, enraging their fight,
Forcing them to endure his pain and suffering,
And drowning their lungs to admire their sputtering,

Those abhorrent, ignorant creatures founding it all,
Waiting for a reply on their beckon call,
The gullible cattle, on a field they landed,
To be slaughtered, along with being branded,

An ominous darkness befell that night,
On the day when war begins to ignite,
Of a destiny everyday turning colder,
For this is a war just getting older,