What grade is my answer to this aqa english langauge gcse question 5?

I would REALLY appreciate it if you read through my work and gave it a mark out of 16, how can I do better>

Here goes:

"Describe he scariest time of your life" (16 mark)


Perplexed, panic stricken and petrified with fear: The true definition of the time I was told I was going to get my appendix out.

Dread. This is the feeling that washed over me like a mini monsoon as the doctor told me that in just the next day I would be having an operation. Despite his warm, comforting eyes and him saying, “oh it’s just a thirty minute operation to me he was saying this time tomorrow I’ll be pumped up with every drug under the sun, have a sharp as a razor knife ruthlessly stabbing into my blood vessels with the chance of me not regaining consciousness.

I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

Firstly, and most importantly for me by having this operation I was stepping into the unknown; I had never in my life had an operation before. So it was as if someone had ripped away normality, sucked up any happiness I ever felt and snatched away any hope I had left. I’m the sort of person who gets a chill down my back by even listening to the theme tune of Holby city. How was I going to survive this?

This was really the stuff of nightmares!

As I lay in the so-called bed that night (which was more like a mattress on legs) I wrapped myself in the thin as a sheet, cloth like blanket around me. My thoughts were like ping pong balls, I tried to think of happy thoughts even pretending I was on a beach with the scorching sun down on me, while I lay on the luxuries sand. But it didn’t work. To think it was this time last week I was on a cloud of ecstasy during my holiday in Spain, even though it was cut short because of the excruciating pain I was euphoric, elated and electrified with joy. I wish I could feel that again.

The slow seconds slid away, and dismal fate was coming closer. I could just hear the surgeons sharpening their knives like mad scientists. I tried to stop welling up with tears, but the more I stayed in this prison like hospital with restless, monotonous nurses the more I felt like I was losing my sanity. My mother and father tried to comfort me; they stayed awake all night offering me a haven of love, warmth and protection but the fear kept seeping into my bloodstream making every neurone in my body tighten with fear.

I felt like I was on the edge of an emotional climax.

Then the time came. That morning I just wanted to run full pelt out of the hospital and onto a cliff and just jump. I know that this seems dramatic but wouldn’t you feel the same if you were made to lie on a cold, rock hard bed while your skin is torn apart like a piece of worthless meat?
As I put my operation robe on my body felt numb, I just couldn’t bring myself to move. I was drowning in my own fear and felt isolated, terrified and inconsolable. I was lucky I was taken by a hospital bed because I just could go to the theatre room alone. I knew my body just wouldn’t let me.

As I approached the theatre that’s when the climax to my fear hit. I started wailing and screaming like a demented child. However, that didn’t stop them from injecting me like an animal. Suddenly my eyelid felt heavy and darkness blanketed me…

Finally, after my operation I felt loads better, but to this day I will never forget my barbaric, horrendous and atrocious experience. You would have to be certifiably insane and conspicuously unintelligent to not feel at least an ounce of fear if you were in my shoes. Fact!

I cant tell you a grade as English language varies but you would get top band for it, I would give you 15/16 but some would give you 14 and some examiners would push to give you 16

Tanx for your time, really appreciate it

No worries:') By the looks of things you're going to rip this exam apart ahahahah I really need an A!!! do you have any suggestions on how to get good marks in the first reading section?! In the mocks i got 54, but I only got 4/16 on Question 4:/// I really need to improve that ://