Social Anxiety and My Boyfriend
So myself and my boyfriend have been together for about a year and a half now. I suffer from severe generalised anxiety disorder and depression. Recently I have been spending more nights at his house. Normally I would juts go for a night then leave really early in the morning. I was staying there for a few days, spending quality time together. One day I asked him if he could make me some toast he said that I could go at get it myself and that I should feel at home. I told him that it even though I feel semi comfortable in your house, I don't really feel like going downstairs to make myself food (even though it isn't a big deal to him or his mother, I just don't feel comfortable enough making food for myself in any house but my own). I told him that it's ok for him when he comes to mine, because I have bought the food myself, and he can have as much as he likes but in his house his mother buys the food that needs to feed him and his younger brother. I told him that he knows I have anxiety, and I tend to have a lot of negative though about how others perceive me. He told me that his mum loves and she wouldn't care, and part of me knows that it's true but the other part doesn't want to come across as a scrounger or eat/use something that I wasn't supposed to in the kitchen.
But anyway this led onto him saying "what makes you anxious". I hate thinking about what makes me anxious let alone thinking it, but other than a CBT practitioner, no one has ever asked me. I started saying "people... social situations... fear of being judged" and he kept saying you don't need to be scared of my family, they're not going to say another negative to you. But this isn't necessarily the fear, I fear more of what people are thinking that what they are saying. He told me that they wouldn't think anything negative either, and I said "you don't know what they're thinking" and he said "I know my family, and they're not like that".
I was starting to think to myself, that he doesn't really understand my social anxiety. Even though 9/10 nothing bad will occur when I feel anxious, its just the thought of something bad happening e.g. confrontation, embarrassment, not feeling confident because of the way I look that day etc...
He that went on to say "are you always going to be like that my whole life?" which upset me. It was as if to say something is wrong with me, and I need to fix it. It's like he believes that you can just turn off anxiety when you feel like it. He said he didn't mean it in a negative way, he meant am I always going to feel nervous and self conscious around his family. But I feel he's not trying understand or accept my anxiety, I don't think it will go away for ever but there are ways to keep it at bay. He went on to say that I can't just avoid things that make me feel anxious e.g. speeches at birthday (every birthday his family member ask me to do a speak, I cringe even at the though of it, but I take one deep breath and get it over and done with, just so I don't look bad). I told him no otherwise I wouldn't push myself, I said that I've done so much lately such as going to club with my friends (which is something I would never really do before), doing presentations at uni, coming to his family gatherings and actually leaving the house. After I said that he didn't really speak much more on the matter, but I felt like I had so much more to say, and I felt really disheartened about him asking me if I would feel anxious my whole life.
I feel like he doesn't understand how it is to live with anxiety and depression, and he keeps pushing me to do things that I'm not ready to do and I don't feel comfortable with e.g. at birthdays he hints when I haven't been asked to do a speech and he knows I don't like it. If I want something in his house, he'll tell me to ask his mother and I instinctively say no it doesn't matter then he will call his mother over and tell her that I have something to ask her which just makes me feel horribly awkward. He always gets quite upset with me, when I say I don't feel comfortable attending family events, and a lot of the time he say but I came to your family event but you can't come to mine.
Should I tell him to stop pushing me into awkward situations? and how do I make him understand my anxiety better?
But anyway this led onto him saying "what makes you anxious". I hate thinking about what makes me anxious let alone thinking it, but other than a CBT practitioner, no one has ever asked me. I started saying "people... social situations... fear of being judged" and he kept saying you don't need to be scared of my family, they're not going to say another negative to you. But this isn't necessarily the fear, I fear more of what people are thinking that what they are saying. He told me that they wouldn't think anything negative either, and I said "you don't know what they're thinking" and he said "I know my family, and they're not like that".
I was starting to think to myself, that he doesn't really understand my social anxiety. Even though 9/10 nothing bad will occur when I feel anxious, its just the thought of something bad happening e.g. confrontation, embarrassment, not feeling confident because of the way I look that day etc...
He that went on to say "are you always going to be like that my whole life?" which upset me. It was as if to say something is wrong with me, and I need to fix it. It's like he believes that you can just turn off anxiety when you feel like it. He said he didn't mean it in a negative way, he meant am I always going to feel nervous and self conscious around his family. But I feel he's not trying understand or accept my anxiety, I don't think it will go away for ever but there are ways to keep it at bay. He went on to say that I can't just avoid things that make me feel anxious e.g. speeches at birthday (every birthday his family member ask me to do a speak, I cringe even at the though of it, but I take one deep breath and get it over and done with, just so I don't look bad). I told him no otherwise I wouldn't push myself, I said that I've done so much lately such as going to club with my friends (which is something I would never really do before), doing presentations at uni, coming to his family gatherings and actually leaving the house. After I said that he didn't really speak much more on the matter, but I felt like I had so much more to say, and I felt really disheartened about him asking me if I would feel anxious my whole life.
I feel like he doesn't understand how it is to live with anxiety and depression, and he keeps pushing me to do things that I'm not ready to do and I don't feel comfortable with e.g. at birthdays he hints when I haven't been asked to do a speech and he knows I don't like it. If I want something in his house, he'll tell me to ask his mother and I instinctively say no it doesn't matter then he will call his mother over and tell her that I have something to ask her which just makes me feel horribly awkward. He always gets quite upset with me, when I say I don't feel comfortable attending family events, and a lot of the time he say but I came to your family event but you can't come to mine.
Should I tell him to stop pushing me into awkward situations? and how do I make him understand my anxiety better?
I feel for you, i honestly dont think he will ever understand. he cant even imagine how his words affect you.
In a way its not his fault but he still shouldnt deliberatly put you in awkward situations, i can only put that down to his lack of understanding and immaturity.
it sounds like you have tried very hard to do the things youve done (speeches etc) and well done for doing it.
i think anxiety/depression doesnt ever leave us but it seems to get easier as you get older to the point where your confidence finally grows without you realising it and you sit back and think why did i waste my life worrying about what people think when the truth is people are too self obsessed to even think about someone elses thoughts/feelings.
.
finally, sit him down and try your best to explain the situation and if he continues to act like a goon then get rid of him. he is not the person you want to spend your life with.
dont let ignorant immature idiots even attempt to spoil your night for there own enjoyment.
good luck
In a way its not his fault but he still shouldnt deliberatly put you in awkward situations, i can only put that down to his lack of understanding and immaturity.
it sounds like you have tried very hard to do the things youve done (speeches etc) and well done for doing it.
i think anxiety/depression doesnt ever leave us but it seems to get easier as you get older to the point where your confidence finally grows without you realising it and you sit back and think why did i waste my life worrying about what people think when the truth is people are too self obsessed to even think about someone elses thoughts/feelings.
.
finally, sit him down and try your best to explain the situation and if he continues to act like a goon then get rid of him. he is not the person you want to spend your life with.
dont let ignorant immature idiots even attempt to spoil your night for there own enjoyment.
good luck
My wife does the same kind of things to me. I just got back from staying at her mother's place and the whole time I felt so on edge, it was impossible for me to go in the kitchen and make a cup of tea because of what sounds like the same kind of anxiety you've described. My wife is always making me call up people as well with the reasoning that the more I do it, the less anxiety-provoking it will be. Nope. 
I think it can be very hard to understand anxiety if you don't personally suffer from it. Are you seeing anyone about it currently? I found that having my psychologist talk to my wife a bit gave her more of an idea (not that she's stopped forcing me into doing things
) but at least she understands a little better.
It sounds like your anxiety is pretty severe but it's great you're able to do stuff like speeches at birthdays and presentations at university - I can't imagine ever being able to do either of those. I would say to keep trying but let your boyfriend know when things are too overwhelming for you to do.
I think it can be very hard to understand anxiety if you don't personally suffer from it. Are you seeing anyone about it currently? I found that having my psychologist talk to my wife a bit gave her more of an idea (not that she's stopped forcing me into doing things
) but at least she understands a little better.It sounds like your anxiety is pretty severe but it's great you're able to do stuff like speeches at birthdays and presentations at university - I can't imagine ever being able to do either of those. I would say to keep trying but let your boyfriend know when things are too overwhelming for you to do.
(edited 8 years ago)
It's important for you to understand that people can and do overcome social anxiety, even severe social anxiety. Listen, there's a youtube channel called Simple Pickup and, although you probably won't appreciate most of their content, there is a video called "How I got over my social anxiety" made by one of the guys on the channel. In a nut shell, he explains that going outside, forcing yourself out of you comfort zone by talking to people on a regular basis will eventually numb you from your anxieties. Just give the video a watch I highly recommend it.
try and bear in mind it sounds like he is only trying to help you, it's understandable that if your anxiety is affecting your whole life and his then he is concerned about that continuing for your entire life, it's probably stressful for him to have you over and embarrassing when you wont go to family events... as much as he is going about it the wrong way he probably feels, for example, that making you ask his mum for stuff will make you realise that she is friendly and doesn't mind and will make you feel comfortable
having suffered from severe anxiety myself and having learnt to deal with it very well (for the most part!) I can say he is both right and wrong... he clearly doesn't understand, as many people don't, that the sort of severe anxiety you're experiencing is just different from the normal levels of stress people experience, you're not being lazy, you're not being a wimp - the levels of anxiety you're experiencing make it literally feel impossible to act, you can 'freeze' etc... and he doesn't understand that facing your fear won't just fix it, it has to be done on your terms or it will only make it harder and will stop him being a 'safe base' for you, and facing too much too fast can make your anxiety worse - if the experience is really uncomfortable you will fear it even more last time
however, saying that, you (and plenty of people with anxiety!) can spend their whole lives waiting to feel 'ready' to do things, at some point you do have to start take steps and trying to ignore the anxious thoughts until you become a little more able to deal with things
maybe you should try and have a really honest conversation about how you both feel, let him talk about how he feels too and don't shout at him for those feelings, try and come up with a game plan where he backs off a bit and you try and pick a few things to work on that feel okay
having suffered from severe anxiety myself and having learnt to deal with it very well (for the most part!) I can say he is both right and wrong... he clearly doesn't understand, as many people don't, that the sort of severe anxiety you're experiencing is just different from the normal levels of stress people experience, you're not being lazy, you're not being a wimp - the levels of anxiety you're experiencing make it literally feel impossible to act, you can 'freeze' etc... and he doesn't understand that facing your fear won't just fix it, it has to be done on your terms or it will only make it harder and will stop him being a 'safe base' for you, and facing too much too fast can make your anxiety worse - if the experience is really uncomfortable you will fear it even more last time
however, saying that, you (and plenty of people with anxiety!) can spend their whole lives waiting to feel 'ready' to do things, at some point you do have to start take steps and trying to ignore the anxious thoughts until you become a little more able to deal with things
maybe you should try and have a really honest conversation about how you both feel, let him talk about how he feels too and don't shout at him for those feelings, try and come up with a game plan where he backs off a bit and you try and pick a few things to work on that feel okay
