Suffering from social anxiety, depression and extremely lonely, what do I do?
I am a 21 year old male I will be 22 in November and my life is just constant suffering. It has been constant suffering all through my teens as I made no friends in high school due to my social anxiety and was bullied a lot. My family have never been supportive either and shown that they don't care about my suffering. I graduated school at 18 and went to college for two years, in the UK this is further not higher education. I then chose to go to a uni at the other side of the country instead of one in my home city for two reasons: to escape my toxic family and to be able to meet friends and get a girlfriend.
My first year at uni went horribly, I have been extremely lonely since the start of high school but these two years at uni have been the worst of my life. I made an effort to go out and meet people, my flat mates when I first started at uni but I never had any proper conversations with any of them I just kind of tagged along they weren't really my friends I was just with them. Due to this and the fact they all sodialised with each other had long conversations developed into proper personal friendships exchanged contact details etc I slowly faded out of the picture. I used to sit in my room on a Saturday night and wait for them to go out of theirs so I could join them. That lasted almost two months then I was out of the picture. After Christmas in first year I developed deep depression. I was so alone seeing all the friends together at uni all carefree and happy and especially all the couples. Hearing the girl above me and her boyfriend have really really loud sex which felt like my ceiling would collapse on me hurt me so so much because since I was a young teenager I have desired a relationship with a girl and being so so lonely all these years.
My first year of uni was so so lonely and second year was even worse. The normal people who don't have social anxiety all make friends in first year and go and live with them in second year. I had to live with strangers in second year a bunch of girls who I didn't like, only one I found friendly the rest were very OCD and rude and stand offish. Had I had the confidence to go and make friends in first year I would have lived with them instead. I have missed out on so much joy it is killing me! Instead I have had two years straight from hell!
At the end of first year I decided that something needed to change so I contacted a therapy centre and seen a therapist every two weeks from October to March. During those five months and over ten sessions. I never once told him I had panic attacks only social anxiety and that I was very self conscious in public which is true. However, I never elaborated at any point. He just sat there and talked to me and I just said yeah, that aside I never said anything! I have wasted all that time and money and he gave me exposure therapy tasks to do which involved talking to people at uni but didn't bother to push myself and do them. He also asked me to do skype therapy but I was worried my flat mates would hear the conversation so I said no. I then a month later said I'm going home from uni and will contact you in September for therapy but he never replied even though I wasn't asking him anything but I still would have liked a reply and my anxiety is making me think he is angry at me for not wanting to do skype. Once this lockdown ends which in the UK should be in a few weeks hopefully I can do therapy in my home city, this time I will tell everything no matter how awkward it is that's the only way these thoughts that are ruining my life will be tackeld!
In first year despite being extremely lonely I still managed to look after myself. I slept early had full night sleep every night ate heatlhy meals three times a day although I often got too scared to go in the kitchen when my flat mates were there and went in after they left. I also attended every single lecture. In second year I was so depressed and miserable I stayed up till 5- 6am most nights slept till late afternoon, only ate microwave meals only showered once every 4-5 days and never attedned a single lecture and skipped out on a few seminar readings too. Thus I got nothing socially in both years and only gained academic knowledge fully in first year.
Seeing friends kills me but couples is a lot worse. I just get so scared and self conscious in public I have a really bad stutter since i am really nervous when I talk. I said I was going to push myself to join societies in second year but kept postponing it and in November I said I'll just wait till January but then didn't do it. I also get really uptight don't know if it's my anxiety. The UK isn't exactly America it isn't known for its dramatically friendly people, people here keep to themselves aren't overly loud and never smile. They will move mountains for their friends and family but are very stand offish to strangers. This made me think or made my anxiety percieve everybody to hate me which made me very angry and bitter which itself is an emotional problem like anxiety and depression.
What made me have my breaking point, something that for about a year has been building. The belief that girls hate me. I am an attractive guy and in the past have had a lot of girls get giddy and smile when looking my way, girls who just see me in public but since I've been depressed girls don't look at me like that. When girls look stern or serious at me I take it personally, think they hate me and get really sad and hurt. Then I see couples and my irrational anxious brain thinks those girls would rather be with their boyfriend than me because they hate me and I get really bitter and jealous and sad, even though that is bull****. If I talked to any girl they'd be excited since I am attractive and they'd see the nice kind caring side of me. The one time I was at a nightclub with my one and only friend I made, only because he is extremely sociable and made the effort to talk to me first, seeing all those strangers makeout and then go home and **** made me so so so sad. I had girls eyeing me up all night then other guys who they never even looked at would walk over and talk to them and they'd make out! I felt like crying.
Since I ****ed up two years of uni, although I borderline passed second year, I only have two left and feel cheated out of the full four everyone else gets. I thought about applying for another degree since I study history and really want to do sociology, instead of joining them as I planned I am thinking of doing sociology once I get my history degree as a separate degree but I heard UK govt doesn't fund second degrees and I can't afford to pay all that in a year, it would have to be a loan I pay back over many years. I really don't want two very brief years and only a potential one year living with friends I make if things go well when other people have three even four years at uni living with friends and have many friends back home, supportive family, tons of casual sex, several romantic relationships I have none, I'm 22 almost and have missed out on so so much time and still have two years left of my degree.
This post is really long and could have gone much longer but I really need help. Where do I go from here? I have nobody.
My first year at uni went horribly, I have been extremely lonely since the start of high school but these two years at uni have been the worst of my life. I made an effort to go out and meet people, my flat mates when I first started at uni but I never had any proper conversations with any of them I just kind of tagged along they weren't really my friends I was just with them. Due to this and the fact they all sodialised with each other had long conversations developed into proper personal friendships exchanged contact details etc I slowly faded out of the picture. I used to sit in my room on a Saturday night and wait for them to go out of theirs so I could join them. That lasted almost two months then I was out of the picture. After Christmas in first year I developed deep depression. I was so alone seeing all the friends together at uni all carefree and happy and especially all the couples. Hearing the girl above me and her boyfriend have really really loud sex which felt like my ceiling would collapse on me hurt me so so much because since I was a young teenager I have desired a relationship with a girl and being so so lonely all these years.
My first year of uni was so so lonely and second year was even worse. The normal people who don't have social anxiety all make friends in first year and go and live with them in second year. I had to live with strangers in second year a bunch of girls who I didn't like, only one I found friendly the rest were very OCD and rude and stand offish. Had I had the confidence to go and make friends in first year I would have lived with them instead. I have missed out on so much joy it is killing me! Instead I have had two years straight from hell!
At the end of first year I decided that something needed to change so I contacted a therapy centre and seen a therapist every two weeks from October to March. During those five months and over ten sessions. I never once told him I had panic attacks only social anxiety and that I was very self conscious in public which is true. However, I never elaborated at any point. He just sat there and talked to me and I just said yeah, that aside I never said anything! I have wasted all that time and money and he gave me exposure therapy tasks to do which involved talking to people at uni but didn't bother to push myself and do them. He also asked me to do skype therapy but I was worried my flat mates would hear the conversation so I said no. I then a month later said I'm going home from uni and will contact you in September for therapy but he never replied even though I wasn't asking him anything but I still would have liked a reply and my anxiety is making me think he is angry at me for not wanting to do skype. Once this lockdown ends which in the UK should be in a few weeks hopefully I can do therapy in my home city, this time I will tell everything no matter how awkward it is that's the only way these thoughts that are ruining my life will be tackeld!
In first year despite being extremely lonely I still managed to look after myself. I slept early had full night sleep every night ate heatlhy meals three times a day although I often got too scared to go in the kitchen when my flat mates were there and went in after they left. I also attended every single lecture. In second year I was so depressed and miserable I stayed up till 5- 6am most nights slept till late afternoon, only ate microwave meals only showered once every 4-5 days and never attedned a single lecture and skipped out on a few seminar readings too. Thus I got nothing socially in both years and only gained academic knowledge fully in first year.
Seeing friends kills me but couples is a lot worse. I just get so scared and self conscious in public I have a really bad stutter since i am really nervous when I talk. I said I was going to push myself to join societies in second year but kept postponing it and in November I said I'll just wait till January but then didn't do it. I also get really uptight don't know if it's my anxiety. The UK isn't exactly America it isn't known for its dramatically friendly people, people here keep to themselves aren't overly loud and never smile. They will move mountains for their friends and family but are very stand offish to strangers. This made me think or made my anxiety percieve everybody to hate me which made me very angry and bitter which itself is an emotional problem like anxiety and depression.
What made me have my breaking point, something that for about a year has been building. The belief that girls hate me. I am an attractive guy and in the past have had a lot of girls get giddy and smile when looking my way, girls who just see me in public but since I've been depressed girls don't look at me like that. When girls look stern or serious at me I take it personally, think they hate me and get really sad and hurt. Then I see couples and my irrational anxious brain thinks those girls would rather be with their boyfriend than me because they hate me and I get really bitter and jealous and sad, even though that is bull****. If I talked to any girl they'd be excited since I am attractive and they'd see the nice kind caring side of me. The one time I was at a nightclub with my one and only friend I made, only because he is extremely sociable and made the effort to talk to me first, seeing all those strangers makeout and then go home and **** made me so so so sad. I had girls eyeing me up all night then other guys who they never even looked at would walk over and talk to them and they'd make out! I felt like crying.
Since I ****ed up two years of uni, although I borderline passed second year, I only have two left and feel cheated out of the full four everyone else gets. I thought about applying for another degree since I study history and really want to do sociology, instead of joining them as I planned I am thinking of doing sociology once I get my history degree as a separate degree but I heard UK govt doesn't fund second degrees and I can't afford to pay all that in a year, it would have to be a loan I pay back over many years. I really don't want two very brief years and only a potential one year living with friends I make if things go well when other people have three even four years at uni living with friends and have many friends back home, supportive family, tons of casual sex, several romantic relationships I have none, I'm 22 almost and have missed out on so so much time and still have two years left of my degree.
This post is really long and could have gone much longer but I really need help. Where do I go from here? I have nobody.
Hey.
I read your post briefly as I’m currently at work but I felt too bad to just scroll past. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I don’t know how to get across what I want to say in a response message.
I will just say that it is more common than you might realise for people in this age group to feel incredible loneliness, despite society making us believe these are the best years of our lives and we should be making the very most of them. That false sense of hope can leave us feeling disheartened or disappointed in ourselves when things don’t turn out that way.
I think it’s against the terms of use on TSR to exchange emails or whatever so maybe I’ll message you privately on here (although you posted this anonymously so that’s a bit of an issue).
I think I know what I want to say to you but at this moment I haven’t been able to collect my thoughts - I just wanted to post this quickly to let you know you’re heard, we hear you! We’re strangers but I don’t like to learn people are suffering in such ways, so I care about your wellbeing.
Keep safe during lockdown
**Edit: Sorry, from reading your post again I can’t tell if you’re from the UK or the US? For a bit of context I’m 22, 23 in December. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety since I was around 14 and also have an unsupportive family. Through several different methods (trial and error of course- not everything works for everyone) I managed to get ahold of my terrible mental health and I’m in a place now where I can say most days I’m free from the chains of depression and anxiety. In high school I had no friends and crippling anxiety. But a few years later, I moved to Australia by myself, made a lot of friends, had therapy, learned life lessons and more. Later I moved to Spain by myself (without speaking any Spanish, ha!). I just thought I’d share a bit of my testimony with you cause I re-read your post and for so many of your points I feel I have advice that can help you. Defs get in touch, I’m from the UK and I get what you mean about the standoffish-ness. But due to going through this myself, I really have a heart for people who are suffering!
I read your post briefly as I’m currently at work but I felt too bad to just scroll past. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I don’t know how to get across what I want to say in a response message.
I will just say that it is more common than you might realise for people in this age group to feel incredible loneliness, despite society making us believe these are the best years of our lives and we should be making the very most of them. That false sense of hope can leave us feeling disheartened or disappointed in ourselves when things don’t turn out that way.
I think it’s against the terms of use on TSR to exchange emails or whatever so maybe I’ll message you privately on here (although you posted this anonymously so that’s a bit of an issue).
I think I know what I want to say to you but at this moment I haven’t been able to collect my thoughts - I just wanted to post this quickly to let you know you’re heard, we hear you! We’re strangers but I don’t like to learn people are suffering in such ways, so I care about your wellbeing.
Keep safe during lockdown
**Edit: Sorry, from reading your post again I can’t tell if you’re from the UK or the US? For a bit of context I’m 22, 23 in December. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety since I was around 14 and also have an unsupportive family. Through several different methods (trial and error of course- not everything works for everyone) I managed to get ahold of my terrible mental health and I’m in a place now where I can say most days I’m free from the chains of depression and anxiety. In high school I had no friends and crippling anxiety. But a few years later, I moved to Australia by myself, made a lot of friends, had therapy, learned life lessons and more. Later I moved to Spain by myself (without speaking any Spanish, ha!). I just thought I’d share a bit of my testimony with you cause I re-read your post and for so many of your points I feel I have advice that can help you. Defs get in touch, I’m from the UK and I get what you mean about the standoffish-ness. But due to going through this myself, I really have a heart for people who are suffering!
(edited 3 years ago)
