I'm really feeling like I've missed out in life, and unfulfilled. Any honest help?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#1
I've been feeling pretty **** for over a year now. Last year I turned 25, and thought "oh ****, am I doing everything I should be doing?"

I first got into the uni life a little later than everyone else, at 21, and went to Uni for a year to complete my degree, and went clubbing and stuff (it was a pretty *****y club, but still) I worked as a club photographer for a really brief period. But my passion was always blues music at the time, so I fell in with a much older crowd. I know we're still in lockdown atm, but my younger sister has already done so much more than me. (She goes to raves, free parties with her bf).

In short, I want to go raving because I've never done it, but I feel like I'm too old (I'm 26). It's kind of more of a bucket list thing than anything else. But I've watched promo vids of upcoming events, and just think "Nah. These things are full of kids". I already got told off by a 20 year-old girl last year when I was 25 for hitting on her at a club.

Basically, just to add, my mum died when I had just turned 23, and I kind of shut down and got into the drink and drugs. I've been struggling with my mental health for some time, and don't know what I want to do. I just want to go into my 30s feeling "fulfilled", but I'm worried that I've pissed the "wild" years of my life down the drain, and worry that I'd feel embarrassed in a nightclub or rave full of much younger people. I haven't had that many sexual experiences in my life. Most of my "friends" from school are getting married also, which doesn't help my self-esteem.
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Pathway
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Quite a few things here to unpack. Stop comparing yourself first of all. No one "should" be doing anything, if you're not feeling fulfilled, then find out what it is that you're missing from your life, not comparing what you do/don't have to other people. That's unhelpful. So much comparison in this post, really. You need to focus on yourself, not yearning for what other people have. Create it for yourself.

Get help for your mental health. I'm sorry you lost your mum, that must've been hugely traumatic at such a young age. Grief counselling might be an option too?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Pathway)
Quite a few things here to unpack. Stop comparing yourself first of all. No one "should" be doing anything, if you're not feeling fulfilled, then find out what it is that you're missing from your life, not comparing what you do/don't have to other people. That's unhelpful. So much comparison in this post, really. You need to focus on yourself, not yearning for what other people have. Create it for yourself.

Get help for your mental health. I'm sorry you lost your mum, that must've been hugely traumatic at such a young age. Grief counselling might be an option too?
I've had grief councelling, it didn't do much for me at the time. It has been traumatic, she was my best friend and confidant. I expected the world to stop, but everybody just got on with their lives whilst I sort of let time pass me by. And I do feel very jealous of other people, especially younger, and I'm very bitter and angry.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've had grief councelling, it didn't do much for me at the time. It has been traumatic, she was my best friend and confidant. I expected the world to stop, but everybody just got on with their lives whilst I sort of let time pass me by. And I do feel very jealous of other people, especially younger, and I'm very bitter and angry.
My mum was very street-wise and cool and funny. She always gave me a kick up the behind when I needed it. My dad, on the other hand, is very geeky and bookish, so I don't feel he ever he's ever in a position to advise me. He's also a bit of a mess now.
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s.hazard
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Comparing yourself to others is so detrimental for your health. Everyone peaks at different times in their life and due to your experience and huge loss it is understandable why you haven’t. Just have the mindset that you want to make your mother proud & think about what you want to achieve. Then start walking towards it
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Anonymous #2
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Go and rave if you want to, you're not too old.
I'm 29 and still go out clubbing, no-one knows how old I am so it doesn't really matter!
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username2908878
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Yeah , comparing yourself to others can be really draining! You’re still young, there is this unspoken weird rule that you need to be settled down in your twenties but why !???? There’s a big world out there, lots of experiences to be had and people to meet and noooo time limit to do it. People do things in loads of different orders and none of those things are necessarily the right way because there’s no such thing as the right way tbh.

The thought of marriage and settling down / kids/ mortgages etc bores me to tears (just me personally obviously nothing inherently wrong with it) because I have the rest of my life to anchored to one person and one place forever.

So, basically, don’t worry about what everyone is doing... you do YOU!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Supernova36)
Yeah , comparing yourself to others can be really draining! You’re still young, there is this unspoken weird rule that you need to be settled down in your twenties but why !???? There’s a big world out there, lots of experiences to be had and people to meet and noooo time limit to do it. People do things in loads of different orders and none of those things are necessarily the right way because there’s no such thing as the right way tbh.

The thought of marriage and settling down / kids/ mortgages etc bores me to tears (just me personally obviously nothing inherently wrong with it) because I have the rest of my life to anchored to one person and one place forever.

So, basically, don’t worry about what everyone is doing... you do YOU!
Myself, I can't wait to be a father. It's something I believe I was born to be.
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username2908878
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Myself, I can't wait to be a father. It's something I believe I was born to be.
You do you ! If that’s what you want, then go for it. I would, eventually, like to have a family etc but only when I am ready, when I have finished enjoying myself and having a good time lol and when I’m really financially stable and able to fully provide.

But, go for it !
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Pathway
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've had grief councelling, it didn't do much for me at the time. It has been traumatic, she was my best friend and confidant. I expected the world to stop, but everybody just got on with their lives whilst I sort of let time pass me by. And I do feel very jealous of other people, especially younger, and I'm very bitter and angry.
It might do more now as time has passed. I'm sorry that you feel this way, I felt the same through my losses too. Everyone else just carried on like nothing happened whilst my whole world was ripped apart. It sucks. I understand jealousy and anger too - but they aren't helpful emotions to hang on to long term. They are only hurting you. You need to find ways to let go of them and move on. Be kind to yourself and those around you.
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Anonymous #1
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"Yeah , comparing yourself to others can be really draining! You’re still young, there is this unspoken weird rule that you need to be settled down in your twenties but why !????"

I think this comes from my small-town high school mentality. Basically, everybody had to do everything at the same time. Everybody joined facebook at the same time. Everybody learnt to drive as soon as they turned 17. I think this mentality has continued and, possible, I could be wrong, but alot of girls see their friends getting married, and jump on the bandwagon.
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Anonymous #3
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it's like the world keeps moving and I'm not a part of it. I completely understand you-I've had a similar experience. Do not compare yourself to others and live your life for you. Decide what will make you happy-do not look at others and think oh I must do that! I don't drink alcohol-never have but I did have one or two moments where I was like am I missing out? But then I realised that happiness is not the same for everyone. Not everyone wants the same things so don't look at what they are doing. Find what makes you happy. For example you want to be a father? That's great! I never want kids and they won't make me happy-see the difference? And also, please don't give a **** about age! There is no age limit on enjoying things and it pisses me off but also makes me sad that once we turn a certain age we're supposed to what? go to work everyday, be boring and serious and then die? I've read fanfic and have been a part of fandom since I was 14 and twelve years later I'm still doing it - abeit, there are the kids that come through who are ageist etc but who cares? It's your life! Go clubbing! have fun! Do what make YOU happy and don't give a **** about other people! Don't let them dictate what you do with your life because when you do that, you aren't living your life for you, you're living it for other people-and what's the point of that.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
it's like the world keeps moving and I'm not a part of it. I completely understand you-I've had a similar experience. Do not compare yourself to others and live your life for you. Decide what will make you happy-do not look at others and think oh I must do that! I don't drink alcohol-never have but I did have one or two moments where I was like am I missing out? But then I realised that happiness is not the same for everyone. Not everyone wants the same things so don't look at what they are doing. Find what makes you happy. For example you want to be a father? That's great! I never want kids and they won't make me happy-see the difference? And also, please don't give a **** about age! There is no age limit on enjoying things and it pisses me off but also makes me sad that once we turn a certain age we're supposed to what? go to work everyday, be boring and serious and then die? I've read fanfic and have been a part of fandom since I was 14 and twelve years later I'm still doing it - abeit, there are the kids that come through who are ageist etc but who cares? It's your life! Go clubbing! have fun! Do what make YOU happy and don't give a **** about other people! Don't let them dictate what you do with your life because when you do that, you aren't living your life for you, you're living it for other people-and what's the point of that.
I just more feel like life passed me by because I was sittin' on my ass for too long, mainly because I moved back to my hometown after Uni, and I should've used that time to go out and enjoy myself. There were also more single people my age around in those days.
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Anonymous #3
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I completely understand! When I graduated I moved back home and kind of did nothing because where I live there is nothing. Period. I tried to get school experience to apply for a pgce, needless to say 6 years later I'm in the same place and I feel like I wasted those years. The thing is, we are still young and the most important thing is to not waste anymore time. You will meet single people, maybe even in a few years time the relationships people rushed into will fail and those people will also be single again.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I completely understand! When I graduated I moved back home and kind of did nothing because where I live there is nothing. Period. I tried to get school experience to apply for a pgce, needless to say 6 years later I'm in the same place and I feel like I wasted those years. The thing is, we are still young and the most important thing is to not waste anymore time. You will meet single people, maybe even in a few years time the relationships people rushed into will fail and those people will also be single again.
I hope they will be single again...
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Supernova36)
You do you ! If that’s what you want, then go for it. I would, eventually, like to have a family etc but only when I am ready, when I have finished enjoying myself and having a good time lol and when I’m really financially stable and able to fully provide.

But, go for it !
I just wished I'd balanced what I love doing with what a normal man in his early 20s would be doing. Then I might be happier, or have more cool stories to tell.
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I just wished I'd balanced what I love doing with what a normal man in his early 20s would be doing. Then I might be happier, or have more cool stories to tell.
You can still do that now
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username2908878
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I just wished I'd balanced what I love doing with what a normal man in his early 20s would be doing. Then I might be happier, or have more cool stories to tell.
What is normal ? You can still do whenever in the world you want to do, get out there and do it... create those ‘cool stories’... gotta make the change now before 10 years pass and you feel exactly the same if not worse thinking ‘what if ‘...
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Supernova36)
What is normal ? You can still do whenever in the world you want to do, get out there and do it... create those ‘cool stories’... gotta make the change now before 10 years pass and you feel exactly the same if not worse thinking ‘what if ‘...
Yeah. "What if...." That's what my mind is full of most of the time. Which is my fault, really.
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