English Language Creative Writing GCSE
Would someone mind giving me some feedback on some of my description please 
It was as if my heart had been taken from my chest, ripped into millions of pieces and handed back to me to try and repair. He was the only one who knew how to make my face light up even in the hardest of times and now he was gone…
Sitting on the cold pew, I felt the grief pouring out of everyone and listened to the sound of their weeping. I wished that the tears brimming in their eyes would pool onto the floor and drown me so I could be with him again. My heart ached with such pain, so much so that I felt numb. It felt like his death had murdered my soul, left my core crumbling under the weight of my emotions.
Outside, I heard the sound of rain pounding the stoney path leading into the building and the wailing of the wind. Even the earth was able to display its heartache - why couldn’t I? The overwhelming grief I experienced was much deeper, it lived in every part of my body, every tissue, every cell. I wished the grief would surface and release itself from my broken body.
As I walked to the front of the ceremony hall to deliver my speech, I paused scanning the sea of faces, desperately searching for someone to relate to - whose feelings were as deadened as mine.
No one.
I began to read the words I had written to describe him… As I did, the emotions I thought I was unable to display overwhelmed me. The wave of grief crashed into me, knocking me down, leaving me unable to breathe, strangling me with regrets, starving my lungs of oxygen. There I lay curled up in a foetal position reflecting on the fact that I would never hear his reassuring voice or taste his amazing meals. I could hear my painful sobs echoing in my ears and felt my whole body shaking violently. The sound of many voices offering help surrounded me but I could only think about how I wished I had been able to say goodbye. I never even got to say goodbye…
It was as if my heart had been taken from my chest, ripped into millions of pieces and handed back to me to try and repair. He was the only one who knew how to make my face light up even in the hardest of times and now he was gone…
Sitting on the cold pew, I felt the grief pouring out of everyone and listened to the sound of their weeping. I wished that the tears brimming in their eyes would pool onto the floor and drown me so I could be with him again. My heart ached with such pain, so much so that I felt numb. It felt like his death had murdered my soul, left my core crumbling under the weight of my emotions.
Outside, I heard the sound of rain pounding the stoney path leading into the building and the wailing of the wind. Even the earth was able to display its heartache - why couldn’t I? The overwhelming grief I experienced was much deeper, it lived in every part of my body, every tissue, every cell. I wished the grief would surface and release itself from my broken body.
As I walked to the front of the ceremony hall to deliver my speech, I paused scanning the sea of faces, desperately searching for someone to relate to - whose feelings were as deadened as mine.
No one.
I began to read the words I had written to describe him… As I did, the emotions I thought I was unable to display overwhelmed me. The wave of grief crashed into me, knocking me down, leaving me unable to breathe, strangling me with regrets, starving my lungs of oxygen. There I lay curled up in a foetal position reflecting on the fact that I would never hear his reassuring voice or taste his amazing meals. I could hear my painful sobs echoing in my ears and felt my whole body shaking violently. The sound of many voices offering help surrounded me but I could only think about how I wished I had been able to say goodbye. I never even got to say goodbye…
Well done this is really good - the use of language techniques such as emotive language, imagery and stand alone sentences help to convey the type of tone you are setting. I would suggest you don't overuse one singular technique, like ellipsis, to improve the dramatic impact it has, but apart from that this is brilliant.
Here’s a story I wrote aswell, would anyone mind criticising or even giving a rough possible mark out of 40?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
It all happened in a split second, a whirlwind of events. Three deafening shots shattered the air, instantly ending two lives. The suspect fired twice, striking her partner, who managed to return fire before succumbing to his wounds.
An incessant ringing echoed in her ears, drowning out all other sounds. As she surveyed the scene, all she could see were crimson pools seeping into her hands, staining her clothes, the ground beneath her. The sight of blood was everywhere, an overwhelming sight.
This was meant to be a routine stakeout, a small operation. Now, her partner, who had always been by her side, lay lifeless beneath her. The little dimples that graced his ever-present smile were now still. His warm, natural brown eyes had transformed into lifeless pools of black.
The paramedics labeled it an instant death, a sudden end. Her friends tried to console her, assuring her it was a painless departure.
Gripping him tightly, Ameri held on for dear life, her tears clouding her vision, obscuring his face. Wetness covered her suit, whether from the rain, sweat, or the blood, she couldn't discern. The sound of droplets hitting the pavement seemed to reverberate through the deserted street, blending with the pounding of her heart as she felt her partner slipping away.
"Radio in: suspect is down. Officer 1-15 is-" Her voice trailed off as she looked down at her partner's lifeless form. “- Dead…”
Her trembling hands and thundering heartbeat overwhelmed her. Tears streamed down her face, and her grip on his chest weakened, leaving her hands and arms drenched in crimson. The streets, the sirens, everything around her seemed to be drenched in red.
Her body moved on autopilot as she rose to her feet, witnessing the arrival of sirens and the belated ambulance.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Those were the only sounds that echoed in her mind as they took her away for questioning at the station. "It all happened so fast," Ameri cried, yet she doubted the validity of her own statement. The scene played out repeatedly in her mind, each time questioning how she could have reacted quicker, performed better, been stronger.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
She opened her eyes and found herself in her therapist's office. The ringing returned, as did the thunderous echoes that reverberated through her skull when the gunshots rang out. It was as if she believed she deserved punishment for her actions.
"Amelia?" Her therapist inquired, peering at her intently. "Did you hear what I just said?"
"Yes," she lied.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
As she lay on her bed, all she could hear was the relentless sound. She felt lifeless, akin to her partner on that fateful night when she failed him. Lying there, the ticking of the clock seemed to amplify, and she felt herself drowning. A force pushed her deeper into the recesses of her mind, and she lacked the energy to resurface, to fight back, to become stronger. She surrendered to the darkness.
Bang! Bang! Ban-
Everything suddenly stopped.
The noise was simultaneously deafening and silent at the funeral. The cries of his grieving wife, the wails of his anguished mother, overwhelmed her thoughts. She stood there, frozen, unable to move. She couldn't bring herself to face them, to apologize, for deep down, she knew that they didn’t deserve her pitiful excuses.
"What were his last words?" they asked, their voices filled with sorrow and anguish.
She couldn't bring herself to answer. The weight of her partner's final moments pressed heavily on her heart, and the words seemed trapped within her, unspoken.
"Did he struggle?" they whispered among themselves, their eyes filled with morbid curiosity.
She refused to respond.
"Was she to blame?" they gossiped when they thought she wasn't listening, their words cutting through her like knives.
She could have easily answered that question. In her own mind, she carried the weight of responsibility, the nagging feeling that she could have done more, been better. But admitting it to others felt like an admission of failure.
"Are you okay?" her dead partner's wife asked, concern etched on her face; seemingly the only one to have courage to talk to her, even she didn’t have it.
Ameri didn't know how to answer that question. How could she be okay when her world had been shattered, when she felt like a broken soul adrift in a sea of grief?
Bang!Bang!Bang!Bang!
Her ears continued to ring, but now it provided a strange comfort. As she approached the open casket, the funeral became a bittersweet symphony. The white chapel, once a symbol of purity and peace, now reflected the haunting image of blood spilling onto the ground that fateful night. The greenery adorning the walls seemed to mirror her partner's eyes, reminding her of their vibrancy that had been extinguished.
With each step towards the casket, Ameri wiped away her tears. He didn't deserve to see her cry. He was a radiant soul, a beacon of happiness. It wouldn't be fair to him to let her grief overshadow the memories of their shared joy.
Bang!
That was the sound she heard as the casket closed. It didn't remind her of his death; it reminded her of the moments they had experienced together. She owed it to him to remember the good times, to honor his memory by carrying those cherished moments with her.
And so, Ameri stood there, amidst a sea of mourners, feeling the weight of her partner's absence. Words failed her, but her presence spoke volumes. She would carry his memory in her heart, forever haunted by the echoes of those fateful gunshots.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
It all happened in a split second, a whirlwind of events. Three deafening shots shattered the air, instantly ending two lives. The suspect fired twice, striking her partner, who managed to return fire before succumbing to his wounds.
An incessant ringing echoed in her ears, drowning out all other sounds. As she surveyed the scene, all she could see were crimson pools seeping into her hands, staining her clothes, the ground beneath her. The sight of blood was everywhere, an overwhelming sight.
This was meant to be a routine stakeout, a small operation. Now, her partner, who had always been by her side, lay lifeless beneath her. The little dimples that graced his ever-present smile were now still. His warm, natural brown eyes had transformed into lifeless pools of black.
The paramedics labeled it an instant death, a sudden end. Her friends tried to console her, assuring her it was a painless departure.
Gripping him tightly, Ameri held on for dear life, her tears clouding her vision, obscuring his face. Wetness covered her suit, whether from the rain, sweat, or the blood, she couldn't discern. The sound of droplets hitting the pavement seemed to reverberate through the deserted street, blending with the pounding of her heart as she felt her partner slipping away.
"Radio in: suspect is down. Officer 1-15 is-" Her voice trailed off as she looked down at her partner's lifeless form. “- Dead…”
Her trembling hands and thundering heartbeat overwhelmed her. Tears streamed down her face, and her grip on his chest weakened, leaving her hands and arms drenched in crimson. The streets, the sirens, everything around her seemed to be drenched in red.
Her body moved on autopilot as she rose to her feet, witnessing the arrival of sirens and the belated ambulance.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Those were the only sounds that echoed in her mind as they took her away for questioning at the station. "It all happened so fast," Ameri cried, yet she doubted the validity of her own statement. The scene played out repeatedly in her mind, each time questioning how she could have reacted quicker, performed better, been stronger.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
She opened her eyes and found herself in her therapist's office. The ringing returned, as did the thunderous echoes that reverberated through her skull when the gunshots rang out. It was as if she believed she deserved punishment for her actions.
"Amelia?" Her therapist inquired, peering at her intently. "Did you hear what I just said?"
"Yes," she lied.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
As she lay on her bed, all she could hear was the relentless sound. She felt lifeless, akin to her partner on that fateful night when she failed him. Lying there, the ticking of the clock seemed to amplify, and she felt herself drowning. A force pushed her deeper into the recesses of her mind, and she lacked the energy to resurface, to fight back, to become stronger. She surrendered to the darkness.
Bang! Bang! Ban-
Everything suddenly stopped.
The noise was simultaneously deafening and silent at the funeral. The cries of his grieving wife, the wails of his anguished mother, overwhelmed her thoughts. She stood there, frozen, unable to move. She couldn't bring herself to face them, to apologize, for deep down, she knew that they didn’t deserve her pitiful excuses.
"What were his last words?" they asked, their voices filled with sorrow and anguish.
She couldn't bring herself to answer. The weight of her partner's final moments pressed heavily on her heart, and the words seemed trapped within her, unspoken.
"Did he struggle?" they whispered among themselves, their eyes filled with morbid curiosity.
She refused to respond.
"Was she to blame?" they gossiped when they thought she wasn't listening, their words cutting through her like knives.
She could have easily answered that question. In her own mind, she carried the weight of responsibility, the nagging feeling that she could have done more, been better. But admitting it to others felt like an admission of failure.
"Are you okay?" her dead partner's wife asked, concern etched on her face; seemingly the only one to have courage to talk to her, even she didn’t have it.
Ameri didn't know how to answer that question. How could she be okay when her world had been shattered, when she felt like a broken soul adrift in a sea of grief?
Bang!Bang!Bang!Bang!
Her ears continued to ring, but now it provided a strange comfort. As she approached the open casket, the funeral became a bittersweet symphony. The white chapel, once a symbol of purity and peace, now reflected the haunting image of blood spilling onto the ground that fateful night. The greenery adorning the walls seemed to mirror her partner's eyes, reminding her of their vibrancy that had been extinguished.
With each step towards the casket, Ameri wiped away her tears. He didn't deserve to see her cry. He was a radiant soul, a beacon of happiness. It wouldn't be fair to him to let her grief overshadow the memories of their shared joy.
Bang!
That was the sound she heard as the casket closed. It didn't remind her of his death; it reminded her of the moments they had experienced together. She owed it to him to remember the good times, to honor his memory by carrying those cherished moments with her.
And so, Ameri stood there, amidst a sea of mourners, feeling the weight of her partner's absence. Words failed her, but her presence spoke volumes. She would carry his memory in her heart, forever haunted by the echoes of those fateful gunshots.
Original post by mab0l0
Here’s a story I wrote aswell, would anyone mind criticising or even giving a rough possible mark out of 40?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
It all happened in a split second, a whirlwind of events. Three deafening shots shattered the air, instantly ending two lives. The suspect fired twice, striking her partner, who managed to return fire before succumbing to his wounds.
An incessant ringing echoed in her ears, drowning out all other sounds. As she surveyed the scene, all she could see were crimson pools seeping into her hands, staining her clothes, the ground beneath her. The sight of blood was everywhere, an overwhelming sight.
This was meant to be a routine stakeout, a small operation. Now, her partner, who had always been by her side, lay lifeless beneath her. The little dimples that graced his ever-present smile were now still. His warm, natural brown eyes had transformed into lifeless pools of black.
The paramedics labeled it an instant death, a sudden end. Her friends tried to console her, assuring her it was a painless departure.
Gripping him tightly, Ameri held on for dear life, her tears clouding her vision, obscuring his face. Wetness covered her suit, whether from the rain, sweat, or the blood, she couldn't discern. The sound of droplets hitting the pavement seemed to reverberate through the deserted street, blending with the pounding of her heart as she felt her partner slipping away.
"Radio in: suspect is down. Officer 1-15 is-" Her voice trailed off as she looked down at her partner's lifeless form. “- Dead…”
Her trembling hands and thundering heartbeat overwhelmed her. Tears streamed down her face, and her grip on his chest weakened, leaving her hands and arms drenched in crimson. The streets, the sirens, everything around her seemed to be drenched in red.
Her body moved on autopilot as she rose to her feet, witnessing the arrival of sirens and the belated ambulance.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Those were the only sounds that echoed in her mind as they took her away for questioning at the station. "It all happened so fast," Ameri cried, yet she doubted the validity of her own statement. The scene played out repeatedly in her mind, each time questioning how she could have reacted quicker, performed better, been stronger.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
She opened her eyes and found herself in her therapist's office. The ringing returned, as did the thunderous echoes that reverberated through her skull when the gunshots rang out. It was as if she believed she deserved punishment for her actions.
"Amelia?" Her therapist inquired, peering at her intently. "Did you hear what I just said?"
"Yes," she lied.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
As she lay on her bed, all she could hear was the relentless sound. She felt lifeless, akin to her partner on that fateful night when she failed him. Lying there, the ticking of the clock seemed to amplify, and she felt herself drowning. A force pushed her deeper into the recesses of her mind, and she lacked the energy to resurface, to fight back, to become stronger. She surrendered to the darkness.
Bang! Bang! Ban-
Everything suddenly stopped.
The noise was simultaneously deafening and silent at the funeral. The cries of his grieving wife, the wails of his anguished mother, overwhelmed her thoughts. She stood there, frozen, unable to move. She couldn't bring herself to face them, to apologize, for deep down, she knew that they didn’t deserve her pitiful excuses.
"What were his last words?" they asked, their voices filled with sorrow and anguish.
She couldn't bring herself to answer. The weight of her partner's final moments pressed heavily on her heart, and the words seemed trapped within her, unspoken.
"Did he struggle?" they whispered among themselves, their eyes filled with morbid curiosity.
She refused to respond.
"Was she to blame?" they gossiped when they thought she wasn't listening, their words cutting through her like knives.
She could have easily answered that question. In her own mind, she carried the weight of responsibility, the nagging feeling that she could have done more, been better. But admitting it to others felt like an admission of failure.
"Are you okay?" her dead partner's wife asked, concern etched on her face; seemingly the only one to have courage to talk to her, even she didn’t have it.
Ameri didn't know how to answer that question. How could she be okay when her world had been shattered, when she felt like a broken soul adrift in a sea of grief?
Bang!Bang!Bang!Bang!
Her ears continued to ring, but now it provided a strange comfort. As she approached the open casket, the funeral became a bittersweet symphony. The white chapel, once a symbol of purity and peace, now reflected the haunting image of blood spilling onto the ground that fateful night. The greenery adorning the walls seemed to mirror her partner's eyes, reminding her of their vibrancy that had been extinguished.
With each step towards the casket, Ameri wiped away her tears. He didn't deserve to see her cry. He was a radiant soul, a beacon of happiness. It wouldn't be fair to him to let her grief overshadow the memories of their shared joy.
Bang!
That was the sound she heard as the casket closed. It didn't remind her of his death; it reminded her of the moments they had experienced together. She owed it to him to remember the good times, to honor his memory by carrying those cherished moments with her.
And so, Ameri stood there, amidst a sea of mourners, feeling the weight of her partner's absence. Words failed her, but her presence spoke volumes. She would carry his memory in her heart, forever haunted by the echoes of those fateful gunshots.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
It all happened in a split second, a whirlwind of events. Three deafening shots shattered the air, instantly ending two lives. The suspect fired twice, striking her partner, who managed to return fire before succumbing to his wounds.
An incessant ringing echoed in her ears, drowning out all other sounds. As she surveyed the scene, all she could see were crimson pools seeping into her hands, staining her clothes, the ground beneath her. The sight of blood was everywhere, an overwhelming sight.
This was meant to be a routine stakeout, a small operation. Now, her partner, who had always been by her side, lay lifeless beneath her. The little dimples that graced his ever-present smile were now still. His warm, natural brown eyes had transformed into lifeless pools of black.
The paramedics labeled it an instant death, a sudden end. Her friends tried to console her, assuring her it was a painless departure.
Gripping him tightly, Ameri held on for dear life, her tears clouding her vision, obscuring his face. Wetness covered her suit, whether from the rain, sweat, or the blood, she couldn't discern. The sound of droplets hitting the pavement seemed to reverberate through the deserted street, blending with the pounding of her heart as she felt her partner slipping away.
"Radio in: suspect is down. Officer 1-15 is-" Her voice trailed off as she looked down at her partner's lifeless form. “- Dead…”
Her trembling hands and thundering heartbeat overwhelmed her. Tears streamed down her face, and her grip on his chest weakened, leaving her hands and arms drenched in crimson. The streets, the sirens, everything around her seemed to be drenched in red.
Her body moved on autopilot as she rose to her feet, witnessing the arrival of sirens and the belated ambulance.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Those were the only sounds that echoed in her mind as they took her away for questioning at the station. "It all happened so fast," Ameri cried, yet she doubted the validity of her own statement. The scene played out repeatedly in her mind, each time questioning how she could have reacted quicker, performed better, been stronger.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
She opened her eyes and found herself in her therapist's office. The ringing returned, as did the thunderous echoes that reverberated through her skull when the gunshots rang out. It was as if she believed she deserved punishment for her actions.
"Amelia?" Her therapist inquired, peering at her intently. "Did you hear what I just said?"
"Yes," she lied.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
As she lay on her bed, all she could hear was the relentless sound. She felt lifeless, akin to her partner on that fateful night when she failed him. Lying there, the ticking of the clock seemed to amplify, and she felt herself drowning. A force pushed her deeper into the recesses of her mind, and she lacked the energy to resurface, to fight back, to become stronger. She surrendered to the darkness.
Bang! Bang! Ban-
Everything suddenly stopped.
The noise was simultaneously deafening and silent at the funeral. The cries of his grieving wife, the wails of his anguished mother, overwhelmed her thoughts. She stood there, frozen, unable to move. She couldn't bring herself to face them, to apologize, for deep down, she knew that they didn’t deserve her pitiful excuses.
"What were his last words?" they asked, their voices filled with sorrow and anguish.
She couldn't bring herself to answer. The weight of her partner's final moments pressed heavily on her heart, and the words seemed trapped within her, unspoken.
"Did he struggle?" they whispered among themselves, their eyes filled with morbid curiosity.
She refused to respond.
"Was she to blame?" they gossiped when they thought she wasn't listening, their words cutting through her like knives.
She could have easily answered that question. In her own mind, she carried the weight of responsibility, the nagging feeling that she could have done more, been better. But admitting it to others felt like an admission of failure.
"Are you okay?" her dead partner's wife asked, concern etched on her face; seemingly the only one to have courage to talk to her, even she didn’t have it.
Ameri didn't know how to answer that question. How could she be okay when her world had been shattered, when she felt like a broken soul adrift in a sea of grief?
Bang!Bang!Bang!Bang!
Her ears continued to ring, but now it provided a strange comfort. As she approached the open casket, the funeral became a bittersweet symphony. The white chapel, once a symbol of purity and peace, now reflected the haunting image of blood spilling onto the ground that fateful night. The greenery adorning the walls seemed to mirror her partner's eyes, reminding her of their vibrancy that had been extinguished.
With each step towards the casket, Ameri wiped away her tears. He didn't deserve to see her cry. He was a radiant soul, a beacon of happiness. It wouldn't be fair to him to let her grief overshadow the memories of their shared joy.
Bang!
That was the sound she heard as the casket closed. It didn't remind her of his death; it reminded her of the moments they had experienced together. She owed it to him to remember the good times, to honor his memory by carrying those cherished moments with her.
And so, Ameri stood there, amidst a sea of mourners, feeling the weight of her partner's absence. Words failed her, but her presence spoke volumes. She would carry his memory in her heart, forever haunted by the echoes of those fateful gunshots.
that is so good, i love the use of the repetition of the onimatopea (no idea how to spell that). It really refelects the trauma she is going through. Its a really good piece, I'm not sure about what mark though, sorry
Does anyone have any tips for describing a charcter negatively - like meeting a character and automatically assuming they are evil from their physical appearance?
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