The rot girl summer vent
(If you don’t want to read a long complaint about how I have single-handedly hit almost every self sabotage button this summer, scroll on I guess. I know I’m a d***)
This summer has not gone how I expected it, especially after the extreme stress from my a levels. (Background info: I have anxiety around exams, lots of mental stress throughout the year put me into burnout)
I’ve lost my job over summer as I did not get any more shifts after I took time off during the half term between my exams. no money, no social interactions, hello loneliness and detachment and feeling worthless for losing a job that I enjoyed and worked very hard at.
My friend group has probably cut me off after our group holiday? I haven’t spoken to them and they seem like they’re all still together They won’t contact me back when I reach out and I’m feeling very hopeless. I miss them all so much and it stung when they wouldn’t look at me on results day. I know I have a couple friends left over but I am not as close with them and they’re out on holiday or live far away, once again I am so isolated.
I messed things up big time with my boyfriend who I broke up with just before we took him with us on our annual holiday, reason being stress in a long term relationship wore me down so much when I had to deal with A Levels and my own mental health issues. I felt like I had to distance myself because it felt too intense to be with them but I don’t know if that was the right decision now because they didn’t deserve that. We had a good time on the holiday but the guilt ate me alive. We might talk again soon but I’m torn. Can’t imagine they would ever want me back regardless.
At the very least I got into my insurance Uni which I’m happy with but the accommodation is taking forever and I am so worried I won’t have somewhere to live. Which is again, my fault for not realising the guaranteed accommodation deadline passed when I was away.
I have wasted my summer and I feel horrible, I don’t have energy to do the hobbies I once loved to do and looked forward to getting back into after my exams passed. I feel numb, anxious and detached and it doesn’t feel like things have gotten as better as I hoped they would. I really felt I would just have an incredible time after I pushed myself to get through those exams. I feel I have been incredibly ungrateful for everything I once had and I sometimes wish I could have just ended everything when I had the chance. I’m anxious I will revert to the damaging methods I used to cope with stress when I get to university. I really hope I don’t because I have made it quite far coping in better ways.
At the very least I have my family and I managed to get into university.
If you read this I am sorry it is long but I am oddly grateful you stayed. I hope you didn’t have a rot girl summer too x