i need help but i feel like im already too far gone
i was diagnosed with depression about 3 years ago and 18 months into it id decided id had enough, got myself a job, threw myself into college and tried to start talking to people again. ive still got my job and i managed to get some decent grades in college but i still really cant talk with people.
I dont know how to explain it my brain just shuts off completely when im talking to people. Literally everything that comes out of my mouth is either a laugh, a “yeah” or a mumble of whatever words i can manage to string together thats somewhat related to what the other person said. Doesnt matter if its my family or friends i just cant keep a conversation going at all. I’ve always been quiet but it was never this bad. and i feel like its because i missed a lot of the times in life when youre supposed to learn those skills
Like when i was a kid i was never pressured by my parents to go out and make friends, so i didnt. I had friends at primary school and that was alright but when i got to secondary school and all these new people i hadnt seen before were around i couldnt handle it.
I managed to make friends with some neeks in year 7 and was a massive neek for that year but come year 8 i started talking to my primary school friends again and they knew more normal, even *popular* people, and i did actually become fairly popular. But not in a “im friends with everyone” way, just in a “everyone knows who i am” way. Like i would give a head nod and a “alright mate” to most people in the corridor as i walked past but nothing much more than that. I had my moments in classes where id act out, it was funny and made everyone laugh, but i just couldnt shake this social awkwardness still
And that was pretty much my whole social experience from age 11-15. Dont get me wrong i have left a load of **** out like fumbling girls but i cant let this get too long. I had a ‘main’ group of friends i would sit with at form time and lunch but i felt more like an accessory to the group rather than a part of it. I never even got invited to anything outside of school. I would throw a few jokes into conversations but never anything substantial. I just felt like if i disappeared no one would really miss me. So i did
My attendance in year 10 was like 40% and i went in for about 5 days of year 11. I didnt even get a message from anyone until school was over. It was nice though, someone on my football team invited me to their birthday, but by this point id gained a load of weight and just couldnt face letting anyone see me so i ended up just airing him.
Thankfully my best friend from primary school started messaging me and i eventually saw him a bit and we did some stuff together, and thats when i threw myself into working and college. I did, and still do, feel better than i did; but i still cant hold a conversation to save my life. Its like i havent matured past when i stopped going to school. In my head im still an awkward 15 year old despite being 19 almost 20 now. I really thought i had beaten depression but now ive thought about it i really havent.
I have very troubling self worth issues, get attached to people way too much too quickly, im not scared of but avoid social interaction like the ****in plague, and im a chronic people pleaser. Theres more but idk how to describe the rest. Basically my mental health is ****ed.
I know i need help but i cant even bring myself to make a doctors appointment to talk to someone. I literally cant even see it realistically happening at all just thinking about it now. I feel like if i start talking to someone now all these thoughts ive had bottled up will become real. And ive worked too hard to let myself fall back into how bad i was but i feel it coming more and more every day.
Not a day goes by where i wish i could go back and do anything differently. Whether its going outside as a kid, staying at school or even going to that friends birthday it all could have fixed me but ive consistently made the worse choices for myself and now i have to live with them and its destroying me.
When i was at my lowest i didnt want help. I just wanted to be left alone until i died. But now ive started to get better ive realised i do need and want help but im just so ****ed up i cant even ask for it.
im sorry for basically just rambling for ages but i really just need some advice. I feel like ive locked myself into being a social freak for the rest of my life and i really dont want that for myself. I just want to be properly happy again yk?
I dont know how to explain it my brain just shuts off completely when im talking to people. Literally everything that comes out of my mouth is either a laugh, a “yeah” or a mumble of whatever words i can manage to string together thats somewhat related to what the other person said. Doesnt matter if its my family or friends i just cant keep a conversation going at all. I’ve always been quiet but it was never this bad. and i feel like its because i missed a lot of the times in life when youre supposed to learn those skills
Like when i was a kid i was never pressured by my parents to go out and make friends, so i didnt. I had friends at primary school and that was alright but when i got to secondary school and all these new people i hadnt seen before were around i couldnt handle it.
I managed to make friends with some neeks in year 7 and was a massive neek for that year but come year 8 i started talking to my primary school friends again and they knew more normal, even *popular* people, and i did actually become fairly popular. But not in a “im friends with everyone” way, just in a “everyone knows who i am” way. Like i would give a head nod and a “alright mate” to most people in the corridor as i walked past but nothing much more than that. I had my moments in classes where id act out, it was funny and made everyone laugh, but i just couldnt shake this social awkwardness still
And that was pretty much my whole social experience from age 11-15. Dont get me wrong i have left a load of **** out like fumbling girls but i cant let this get too long. I had a ‘main’ group of friends i would sit with at form time and lunch but i felt more like an accessory to the group rather than a part of it. I never even got invited to anything outside of school. I would throw a few jokes into conversations but never anything substantial. I just felt like if i disappeared no one would really miss me. So i did
My attendance in year 10 was like 40% and i went in for about 5 days of year 11. I didnt even get a message from anyone until school was over. It was nice though, someone on my football team invited me to their birthday, but by this point id gained a load of weight and just couldnt face letting anyone see me so i ended up just airing him.
Thankfully my best friend from primary school started messaging me and i eventually saw him a bit and we did some stuff together, and thats when i threw myself into working and college. I did, and still do, feel better than i did; but i still cant hold a conversation to save my life. Its like i havent matured past when i stopped going to school. In my head im still an awkward 15 year old despite being 19 almost 20 now. I really thought i had beaten depression but now ive thought about it i really havent.
I have very troubling self worth issues, get attached to people way too much too quickly, im not scared of but avoid social interaction like the ****in plague, and im a chronic people pleaser. Theres more but idk how to describe the rest. Basically my mental health is ****ed.
I know i need help but i cant even bring myself to make a doctors appointment to talk to someone. I literally cant even see it realistically happening at all just thinking about it now. I feel like if i start talking to someone now all these thoughts ive had bottled up will become real. And ive worked too hard to let myself fall back into how bad i was but i feel it coming more and more every day.
Not a day goes by where i wish i could go back and do anything differently. Whether its going outside as a kid, staying at school or even going to that friends birthday it all could have fixed me but ive consistently made the worse choices for myself and now i have to live with them and its destroying me.
When i was at my lowest i didnt want help. I just wanted to be left alone until i died. But now ive started to get better ive realised i do need and want help but im just so ****ed up i cant even ask for it.
im sorry for basically just rambling for ages but i really just need some advice. I feel like ive locked myself into being a social freak for the rest of my life and i really dont want that for myself. I just want to be properly happy again yk?
Original post by Anonymous
i was diagnosed with depression about 3 years ago and 18 months into it id decided id had enough, got myself a job, threw myself into college and tried to start talking to people again. ive still got my job and i managed to get some decent grades in college but i still really cant talk with people.
I dont know how to explain it my brain just shuts off completely when im talking to people. Literally everything that comes out of my mouth is either a laugh, a “yeah” or a mumble of whatever words i can manage to string together thats somewhat related to what the other person said. Doesnt matter if its my family or friends i just cant keep a conversation going at all. I’ve always been quiet but it was never this bad. and i feel like its because i missed a lot of the times in life when youre supposed to learn those skills
Like when i was a kid i was never pressured by my parents to go out and make friends, so i didnt. I had friends at primary school and that was alright but when i got to secondary school and all these new people i hadnt seen before were around i couldnt handle it.
I managed to make friends with some neeks in year 7 and was a massive neek for that year but come year 8 i started talking to my primary school friends again and they knew more normal, even *popular* people, and i did actually become fairly popular. But not in a “im friends with everyone” way, just in a “everyone knows who i am” way. Like i would give a head nod and a “alright mate” to most people in the corridor as i walked past but nothing much more than that. I had my moments in classes where id act out, it was funny and made everyone laugh, but i just couldnt shake this social awkwardness still
And that was pretty much my whole social experience from age 11-15. Dont get me wrong i have left a load of **** out like fumbling girls but i cant let this get too long. I had a ‘main’ group of friends i would sit with at form time and lunch but i felt more like an accessory to the group rather than a part of it. I never even got invited to anything outside of school. I would throw a few jokes into conversations but never anything substantial. I just felt like if i disappeared no one would really miss me. So i did
My attendance in year 10 was like 40% and i went in for about 5 days of year 11. I didnt even get a message from anyone until school was over. It was nice though, someone on my football team invited me to their birthday, but by this point id gained a load of weight and just couldnt face letting anyone see me so i ended up just airing him.
Thankfully my best friend from primary school started messaging me and i eventually saw him a bit and we did some stuff together, and thats when i threw myself into working and college. I did, and still do, feel better than i did; but i still cant hold a conversation to save my life. Its like i havent matured past when i stopped going to school. In my head im still an awkward 15 year old despite being 19 almost 20 now. I really thought i had beaten depression but now ive thought about it i really havent.
I have very troubling self worth issues, get attached to people way too much too quickly, im not scared of but avoid social interaction like the ****in plague, and im a chronic people pleaser. Theres more but idk how to describe the rest. Basically my mental health is ****ed.
I know i need help but i cant even bring myself to make a doctors appointment to talk to someone. I literally cant even see it realistically happening at all just thinking about it now. I feel like if i start talking to someone now all these thoughts ive had bottled up will become real. And ive worked too hard to let myself fall back into how bad i was but i feel it coming more and more every day.
Not a day goes by where i wish i could go back and do anything differently. Whether its going outside as a kid, staying at school or even going to that friends birthday it all could have fixed me but ive consistently made the worse choices for myself and now i have to live with them and its destroying me.
When i was at my lowest i didnt want help. I just wanted to be left alone until i died. But now ive started to get better ive realised i do need and want help but im just so ****ed up i cant even ask for it.
im sorry for basically just rambling for ages but i really just need some advice. I feel like ive locked myself into being a social freak for the rest of my life and i really dont want that for myself. I just want to be properly happy again yk?
I dont know how to explain it my brain just shuts off completely when im talking to people. Literally everything that comes out of my mouth is either a laugh, a “yeah” or a mumble of whatever words i can manage to string together thats somewhat related to what the other person said. Doesnt matter if its my family or friends i just cant keep a conversation going at all. I’ve always been quiet but it was never this bad. and i feel like its because i missed a lot of the times in life when youre supposed to learn those skills
Like when i was a kid i was never pressured by my parents to go out and make friends, so i didnt. I had friends at primary school and that was alright but when i got to secondary school and all these new people i hadnt seen before were around i couldnt handle it.
I managed to make friends with some neeks in year 7 and was a massive neek for that year but come year 8 i started talking to my primary school friends again and they knew more normal, even *popular* people, and i did actually become fairly popular. But not in a “im friends with everyone” way, just in a “everyone knows who i am” way. Like i would give a head nod and a “alright mate” to most people in the corridor as i walked past but nothing much more than that. I had my moments in classes where id act out, it was funny and made everyone laugh, but i just couldnt shake this social awkwardness still
And that was pretty much my whole social experience from age 11-15. Dont get me wrong i have left a load of **** out like fumbling girls but i cant let this get too long. I had a ‘main’ group of friends i would sit with at form time and lunch but i felt more like an accessory to the group rather than a part of it. I never even got invited to anything outside of school. I would throw a few jokes into conversations but never anything substantial. I just felt like if i disappeared no one would really miss me. So i did
My attendance in year 10 was like 40% and i went in for about 5 days of year 11. I didnt even get a message from anyone until school was over. It was nice though, someone on my football team invited me to their birthday, but by this point id gained a load of weight and just couldnt face letting anyone see me so i ended up just airing him.
Thankfully my best friend from primary school started messaging me and i eventually saw him a bit and we did some stuff together, and thats when i threw myself into working and college. I did, and still do, feel better than i did; but i still cant hold a conversation to save my life. Its like i havent matured past when i stopped going to school. In my head im still an awkward 15 year old despite being 19 almost 20 now. I really thought i had beaten depression but now ive thought about it i really havent.
I have very troubling self worth issues, get attached to people way too much too quickly, im not scared of but avoid social interaction like the ****in plague, and im a chronic people pleaser. Theres more but idk how to describe the rest. Basically my mental health is ****ed.
I know i need help but i cant even bring myself to make a doctors appointment to talk to someone. I literally cant even see it realistically happening at all just thinking about it now. I feel like if i start talking to someone now all these thoughts ive had bottled up will become real. And ive worked too hard to let myself fall back into how bad i was but i feel it coming more and more every day.
Not a day goes by where i wish i could go back and do anything differently. Whether its going outside as a kid, staying at school or even going to that friends birthday it all could have fixed me but ive consistently made the worse choices for myself and now i have to live with them and its destroying me.
When i was at my lowest i didnt want help. I just wanted to be left alone until i died. But now ive started to get better ive realised i do need and want help but im just so ****ed up i cant even ask for it.
im sorry for basically just rambling for ages but i really just need some advice. I feel like ive locked myself into being a social freak for the rest of my life and i really dont want that for myself. I just want to be properly happy again yk?
Correct me if I'm wrong but these concepts and thoughts still exist whether you realise them in the form of a doctor's consultation or not. When you are mentally compromised you may twist the narrative of your life into a noose of your own creation. The very fact that you are willing to face up to the facts of your reality and seek help (at least inwardly) and attempt to rectify the mistakes of your past is enough. Think of it this way, would you rather have an opportunity to become the greatest version of you or start again. It may well be tempting to suggest that starting again would fix everything but this is simply not the case, or at least not necessarily. Your failures and shortcomings are what make your experience unique and valuable. There is nothing (and I mean nothing) that you cannot accomplish with the right work and attention. I would recommend that you begin journaling your thoughts, allowing the ink to dry and thinking about a response, almost like a conversation. This practice has helped me structure the faults in my life and give them more definition and character rather than the hazy physiological responses that they would incur on me (similar to what you've described) Giving them character may seem maladaptive but this, for me, created a tangible enemy that I could inflict wounds on with better practices. Seeing it as a battle, you can give your actions purpose and strive constantly.
As I've mentioned elsewhere (as you are by no means alone in this experience) the sword is not strengthened were it not for the crucible or hammer. Visualise the sword and the pounding it takes as the tribulations of existence and you shall come to peace with your past.
There was someone in my year who dropped out of everything and was depressed because of social anxieties and it turned out he had an assessment for neurodiversity and he was diagnosed on the autistic spectrum. I'm not saying your on the spectrum but just wondering if it might be something you could find out about as another way forwards, because if you are then that might be why you find conversations so difficult and there are ways to work with that.
