performance anxiety at uni (tw)

TW

I have performance anxiety and social anxiety. both have affected me since I was a child. I would literally cry over missing a mark on a spelling test in early primary school, which is ridiculous, I know. I have always been harsh on myself but to save the length of this post, most of it was triggered by a decision made by my school when I was 6, and unfortunately this feeling has carried with me to this day (I'm 20 in a couple months). I always feel like I have something to prove to others - not that I'm better than anyone - that I'm competent enough to be in the same room as them. I feel the need to always excel even when my grades don't reflect it. I feel the need to prove my worth, especially as I'm not good at talking to people with my social anxiety. it got to the point where I have had s**dal thoughts, and this has happened since I was around twelve up until I started uni last year. now I only get them during pms and at my lowest but it still worries me that those thoughts are going to come back around at any point. (I have never SH'd and don't think about it when I have these thoughts). I don't take any medication but because they occur every month during pms I may have to start (I have appointments in place but I'm still uncertain on whether I want to take anything for it). aside from that I tried CBT but quit because I just ended up lying and saying I was fine.

the start to my second year at uni has really hit me hard. I'm in a studio alone and not in a student complex (my house fell through so we had to split last minute). I'm paying over double what my friends are paying and I feel so bad especially when I'm taking a year abroad next year which will also be costly. I told my parents before I left that the reason why I said I didn't want to learn how to drive at 17 was that I felt bad applying to a London uni because it's more expensive, and I chose not to take a gap year (even though I really think I'd have benefited from taking one and pick up working again as I lost my job in covid and have been scared ever since) because I didn't want to burden my parents or myself with the new student loan rule as I was aware that if I didn't go last year I'd have to pay for longer. I also didn't have a job at this point as my workplace shut due to covid and I couldn't find a replacement. my parents offered to put me into a private sixth form for the better quality of education (in comparison to my local sixth forms) and to renew my confidence and I declined because I didn't think I was worth them spending the money on it. In reality I just told them that I 'wouldn't fit in' among a couple other excuses. I went to a local state sixth form and hated it (although I partially blame 2020-21 covid restrictions for that). I come from a middle class family and there was literally nothing I could have worried about - I'm an only child so it was only me going to uni...I could've taken a gap year and improved on my mental health. I was also considering taking another a level as I really wanted to try a stem subject and I didn't do one, I regret my GCSE grades even though they were predicted grades given to me through covid ...I'm just full of regret on my own performance and it's made me have all these negative thoughts about myself that has just been building up since I was a literal child.. I'm scared that these thoughts are going to come back and I've only just started lectures today. I don't even do a really intense degree?? I literally only have 1-2 classes each day and sometimes I just have an hour on campus. I think I chose it because I knew I wouldn't be capable of the workload for a more intense degree (I wanted to do law). I try to make myself more busy to distract myself from thinking anything 'bad', such as playing violin in the music department rooms, inviting friends over (when they can actually see me..) and calling my friends back home and abroad. I don't drink or go out at night much and I feel quite vulnerable when doing either so I try to make the most of the daytime. but why is it always so hard to accept change when I literally haven't even started yet? I know what I've done wrong in first year. I know which revision methods worked and which ones didn't, and which ones I'm yet to try. I just feel so worthless and like I don't deserve anything nice to myself at the moment, because I'm scared I'll think something 'bad' or not excel in my classes. I literally keep every piece of paper that says that someone is proud of me or how I'm worth it... I'm the first in my family to go to uni and I cannot begin to describe how badly I want a first. in fact if I don't get a first and my anxiety is high, I genuinely cannot see myself living with that.

my parents are aware of this situation - I told them after I got into my studio this year as I knew if they found out earlier they'd have not let me go to uni at all. but is there any advice or similar experience that people have had that they can share, please? I feel like I need some more coping mechanisms to make myself realise that I really don't need to get worked up over this when it's such an engrained mindset for me. it doesn't help that a lot of people see me as this 'effortless' person who just does things with ease, when it really could not be further from the truth and I just feel like I'm tearing myself more and more apart every single day.

I should just clarify that this post is not to show off in any way, especially economically, I just wanted to show that money was not an issue and I put my own performance down as a blaming factor and I did not deserve that money to be spent on me in the first place.

Hey, I'm not experienced with the second year at uni stuff myself as I'm a Fresher this year, but I just wanted to stop in and say you're not alone with those feelings! I completely understand and relate (probably more than I'd like to admit!). This is purely from my own experience as I've never really been advised on what to do, but at the height of my PMS/imposter syndrome/ anxiety I tried a couple of things and it's been a lot more manageable lately. I think this post is actually a great first step as it's showing a desire to communicate and document how you're feeling. You're not burdening the people around you by telling them you feel this way and talking about it, I would just say there's a bit of a balance between offloading all the stuff in your brain and talking up your fears in bigger circles. Don't let them take over your voice, just tell someone what bothers you so that they understand! I also tried keeping a short diary. Some days I just spurt out all the stuff that's cluttering my head for a set period of time, say 15 minutes, so that I can let it go and not think about it for a bit. Every day I try to record my mood and what's making me feel that way. I think there are several benefits: In future, I know I've felt this way before and can remind myself that I got through it. I record what makes me happy, so I can have a more balanced picture of life rather than thinking everything is terrible. You have a resource to show any counsellors/doctors if they ask what's making you feel how you feel. And you can see what makes you feel less worthy in your day sometimes, which can help predict and manage your feelings, e.g. making a phone call makes me feel more nervous and unworthy in the day before, so I will think of a treat to have afterwards/ an activity to calm me down before. It also helps to identify your "roadblocks"- barriers to wanting to feel better, like beliefs that fear and feeling unworthy motivate you. I like to read over entries and identify generalisations, "mind reading" of others and "fortune telling" that my thoughts do, sometimes noting something to think instead in the margin. You don't have to do it all at once! I also gradually got in better habits with physical care (you deserve to feel physically comfortable!) and exercise (massive stress buster for me). I keep a page with resources to help with mental health and some goals and the things I love in life in the front. I love my list of favourite things as it reminds me I'm a unique, valuable and caring person, e.g. I said I love cooking for others, therefore I'm not completely selfish and unworthy of love. Sorry if this is a lot! I have also tried some mindfulness (I think it's ok), breathing techniques (box breathing is simple and sometimes helpful) and various soothing objects/activities that I think are optional and down to personal preference really. It's better to do something engaging and immersive when you're on a downward spiral and build calming activities into your day, rather than pulling the mindfulness out as a crisis fix (it doesn't work to just clear your mind when it's full of racing thoughts!).
I know s**cidal thoughts are scary and sometimes slap you in the face, other times just stay in your brain being unbelievably loud and persistent with all the other things you have to do. It's the obvious thing to say from an internet stranger, but as someone who has read and understands, do not act on it. You matter to me, and a whole lot of other people, we just have to work on mattering to yourself. When you feel that way, I know it's not easy but tell people, distract yourself, make small talk, put your music/radio on. Mental health helplines are for using, especially if you're scaring yourself.
It's really hard to feel this way, but also hard to change your whole mindset! You will be learning and relearning new habits all the time, it's difficult to feel happy but it's worth it. Don't listen to people who say it's more worthy and interesting to have a tragic and issue-filled life, comparing yourself to others is a hard habit to break but one you will be relieved to be rid of if you can!
If you'd like to chat I'm around! I hope this is not too much and maybe gives you a place to start. Even a little step can help a lot, in my experience. Sending virtual hugs!